And The Cardinal Hits The Window
by Good Question
Summary: Destiel, w/ a side of unrequited Sam/Cas. High school AU. ? warnings inside ** BEING RE-WRITTEN: Original story still up but is being re-written for grammar and typoes and junk. Hopefully being "re-released" on it's anniversary.** See profile for info.
1. Introduction

**A/N; .2 [ ] Re-written Friday November 16 2012. **

**Title; **And The Cardinal Hits The Window

**Rating; **M

**Trigger Warnings; **Sexual child abuse, incest, bullying and other mature themes along with drug use. And underage!Cas (for a bit and then after depending on which state/country you're from.)

**A/N: **Prompt given by human credential; my wonderful bata and amazing woman all in all.

**Prompt Summary; **Dean Winchester has just turned 17 and is beginning his senior year in high school. He plans on having an uneventful last year with his only worry being his 13 year old kid brother Sam who's just starting high school. All that changes when 14 year old Castiel Novak joins the school year and Sam begins to have some pretty strong feelings for him. Dean likes the kid, too, even if he is shy and very twitchy.

But Castiel has a strict and abusive father by the name of Lucifer, and an equally appalling older brother name Uriel, a new senior to the school. Uriel brings a storm of trouble to the school, including to Dean who he immediately bumps heads with. When Castiel accepts a sleep over invitation from Sam as part of a study project, he never expects to be moved to kiss Dean and he certainly never expects to be caught by Dean's father.

**Introduction**

'Who is that?'

Sam's mouth dropped a few inches to the floor.

The boy held his books tightly against his chest as he moved through the crowded hallway to his locker, which to Sam's future benefit was no more that ten down from his. It looked like he had black hair but the shine from the lights in the hallway showed sparks of dark brown. The kid had smooth skin, what he could see of it anyway, since the boy wore several layers of clothing. It sent an odd jolt through him. The boy stuffed his books in the locker with haste and grabbed a few more out of it, what Sam assumed to be for the next class, before slamming the locker shut.

Then he looked up.

Bright blue eyes, not all too unusual but with a spark that most people didn't have shining through. One blink, and then he was lost again in the crowd of students, walking always with hunched shoulders.

He looked lonely.

Sam didn't remember him from his middle school years, although in fairness he didn't remember many people. Sam had been pushed forward by a group of encouraging teachers and his family into an accelerated program. He'd felt scared and intimated enough for his first day as is, but being an accelerated student most of the kids were 15-16 while he was following behind at a 13. He was the 'fishiest' of the fish. Luckily enough he had a natural born talent for growing tall and fast. But even through the nerves in his stomach, this was a kid he had to get to know.

Sam had always had a curiosity for life in general, no matter what aspect. It didn't matter what subject it was. History; he wanted to know about the specifics of the civilization before European discovery. Math? He needed to know when alphabetical symbols began to be used in mathematics and why they mattered; what they represented. Hell, even language, he wanted to know which style they belonged to. Germanic? Latin? Roman? He needed to know it all.

Sam turned back to his locker and fished his own materials out heading for class with this new curiosity in mind. He made a steady pace to his first class, having obsessively gone through the route before his classes started, and slid into a seat in the first row. He gave a small short hand wave to his fellow classmates trying to be sociable as his mother had taught him. Ruby and Jessica sat down on either side of him at the front. He'd known them for awhile. Ruby lived 5 houses down from his on the left and Jessica lived across the street from him. Despite them being a few years older than him they'd managed to establish a strong friendship throughout the years. Despite the friendship as Sam settled himself he was reminded of the thought in the back of his head that the two girls didn't like each other very much.

"Do you always have to sit up front?" Ruby complained as she tossed her supplies on the desk.

"It's easier to see the board and hear the teacher," Sam replied while organizing the pencils and pens in front of him. Ruby and Jess had always been a teachers favorite and thus allowed free roaming time around the halls which they spent visiting him in the classes the teachers allowed them to.

"I think it makes sense," Jessica put in as she organized her desk similar to the way Sam did.

While Sam had his head turned Ruby stuck out her tongue at Jess.

"You guys know a lot of people right?" Sam asked as they waited for the teacher to arrive.

They answered at the same time which left him trying to decipher which part of the answer belonged to the other. The general consensus was 'yes'. "There was this guy I saw-"

"Oh man Sammy, a guy," Ruby giggled.

Sam turned to give her a confused stare at the giggle. "Yeah, this one guy. His locker is a few down from mine and he seemed" - " lonely... I don't know what grade he's in but maybe you've seen him. I think I want to be friends with him, help him out. He had a... it looked like it was hand knit sweater and black slacks and really messy black hair. Really looked out of place."

Sam had never had much tolerance for people that seemed lonely. Especially people who radiated it like that boy had. Despite his personal social anxieties and shyness he'd spent his 'free time' in middle school sitting at random tables with people who were sitting by themselves. While they'd spent the most amount of time in the town he couldn't shake of the memory of being small and new at too many places. But he knew the feeling. It wasn't until his brother had coached and helped him into socializing that hed' gained the confidence to push further with other people. Those sunken shoulders reminded him of the days he'd spent tucked away in a corner at lunch, too shy to approach any of his classmates for a seat at their table.

Sam remembered hating that feeling and had made a choice never to let anyone else go through it if he could help it.

It seemed amazing how caring for other people could bring out the inner strength in a person. The energy they'd never be able to reach on their own.

"That could be a thousand kids," Ruby said as she rolled her eyes.

"I just figured-"

"What she _means _is that at least in our grade we were never in a class with the person you described. I haven't seen any kids with hand knit sweaters since like elementary school. Maybe it was a one time thing? If you see him again we might be able to help you if you pin point him out," Jessica offered with a smile.

Before Ruby could make a retort the teacher walked in and their first class started.

Sam tried to keep his eye out for the kid for a few days, loosing hope until one day he found him sitting in his English class. It had only been a few weeks since class started and he had made adjustments to his own schedule so it wasn't so odd for someone to just show up. But that it would be this mystery kid threw him for a loop. He blinked and stood stock still at the door staring at him before moving to take the seat next to him at the front of the class. He spent all of the fre time of students filing into the class trying to figure out how to talk to him. Just to say hi. But for whatever reason it seemed harder to do it with him than other kids. The class got started before he could figure anything out to say and it started heavy and fast. But the only thing Sam could remember was that the boy apparently did wear knitted sweaters regularly.

The first time he got the courage to talk to the kid was unfortunate. It was in between his fourth and fith period.

Sam was walking across the 'senior bridge' as it had been dubbed. The small stretch of hallway spreading between the massive space between two stairways to the second floor. He was trying to visit his brother, who was a regular visitor with his popularity in the school when he happened to look down. He watched as a kid knocked into the boy he'd spent some days trying to figure out how to talk to. The boy's supplies flung out of his arms and exploded across the ugly carpeted floor. The boy scrambled to pick up his stuff as fast as he could, trying to avoid getting trampled by the crowd around him.

They'd recently also okay'd drinks outside of the tiled cafeteria that you first saw after the entrance and the boy that had knocked into him happened to have a full cup. It had jostled and sloshed all over his jacked and drippled a little onto the knee of the jeans he was wearing. He watched the expression change on the older boys face as he glanced at the mess on his shirt and then looked at the other boy crawling along the floor to gather his stuff. Sam didn't even remember any thought process as he turned a corner away from his brother and raced down the stairs.

That look meant trouble.

He sped his way until he halted his heels next to the kid and knelt down to grab a few things before shooting in between the guy and the boy on the floor. His hand flew out without much thought and grabbed the wrist flying out before it could do damage. His brother had taught him obsessively about self defense and reaction time. Once he looked up into the guys face he felt a vague sense of recognition, probably from one of his brother's games somewhere in the past, or a regular in the bleachers to support the team.

"It was an accident," Sam said sternly glaring up at the older teen. He refused to let go of the wrist that still fought to get a hold of the boy on the floor.

"The hell it was! Do you know much a letter jacket costs?"

Sam tightened his grip, surprising the teen. "Yeah. I do. My brother, Dean Winchester," he hated using that card but it seemed like an appropriate time if any to use it, "had to buy one for the last three years."

The boy's face blanched a little into bleach pale at the name and the wrath that would come if someone fucked with anyone carrying the same title. There was a visible change in attitude as he began to recognize who Sam was.

"Didn't realize you were high school level." The teens voice trembled a little while he pulled his hands back.

"First year," Sam replied with a dark glance and a stern tone. He could never stand bullies. He turned around and the crowd that had gathered around them began slowly moving as he bent down to help the boy pick up the rest of his belongings.

"Thank you," the other boy whispered into the ground as he horded his pencil case and books to his chest. It looked like his hands were trembling.

The boy finally looked up and Sam was struck speechless by the weight of the full gaze on him. "Uhm, no problem. He's just a jerk... I'm just lucky to have my older brother to keep me safe."

The boy smiled briefly, almost a sad twitch of his lip before he shook his head. "No, thank you very much. I appreciate your show of kindness." And then he took off. But in the middle of the hasty retreat Sam caught the quiet and rushed words. "My name is Castiel. And thank you again."

At the end of the day Sam met his older brother Dean at the senior parking lot, special privileges for being older and all. He slid into the passenger side of the old Impala and waited for the familiar hum of the engine. When it didn't start immediately he looked at his brother.

There was a smile on his lips.

"Saw what you did today kiddo," Dean started with," I'm proud of you. Stood up for something. Might make a man out of you yet."

And with a blush and a laugh they started driving home.

Sam was still glowing a little bit at his brothers compliment when they got home. It was immediately taken out of him by their dad. Dean was old enough now that me made most of his own decisions. He had a job at the garage in the local area owned by their dad's friend. He'd also played soccer all of his life and been team captain until he resigned his senior year.

"How was school today?" "Do anything useful?" "I want to see your last grades."

Sam had complained to Dean one night that he swore their father never rode him as hard about this. His older brother had only ruffled his head, eyes turning back to the movie they'd been watching at the time. He couldn't remember the name. Or the plot. But before he'd gone to bed his brother had muttered, "He's just wanting to make sure you get accepted into those high end colleges you've been day dreaming about like a dork. Couldn't fantasize about chicks to be easy could you? Just had to be smart. You're like 12, you shouldn't be thinking about that stuff yet. Just tell him you want to be a mechanic and he'll leave you alone about the school shit."

Sam had glared at him as he left the room.

But that was in the past.

"Don't roll your eyes at me," their father said as Sam listened to the same speech he got a few weeks before school had even started. This one had been spiced up a bit since he was in AP.

"You're not having any issues? The age gap is pretty high."

Dean laughed as he back downstairs after disappearing for a bit to get rid of his school stuff. "I don't think you need to worry about that. Little Samantha over here got some hair on her chest today."

"It's Sam," the young boy muttered in complaint. He had been hoping the story would not come up to their father.

"Oh really? And what did our Sam do?"

Dean grinned as he leaned against the kitchen counter, "Tell him Sammy."

"It was nothing. A kid was getting picked on and I helped him out a little. Can I go now?" Sam asked running a hand through his hair, already halfway to the stairs to flee to his room.

"Well done son," he heard his father say as he raced up the stairs. Followed by a remark from Dean in relation to balls finally having dropped. Really, he cloud've just left it at the 'I'm proud of you' in the car.

Still, he did feel a certain personal pride in himself. Middle school life had been relatively tame for him and that he could overcome his shyness t help someone who was in need have him a pleasant fuzzy feeling. It also made him think of the little nerdy boy at the center of his heroics, even though he'd technically only threatened the boy with his older brother. It wasn't like Sam had charity case complex or something but the moment he'd head him whisper his name shyly Sam had decided that if he was going to accomplish anything in his high school career it would be to become friends with this boy.

Sam went to bed determined to have an actual conversation with him.

Except once again the evils of fact filled lecture, something Sam usually enjoyed, kept him from having no more than a brief hello with Castiel. He'd even tried to search him out before class started. Sam had roamed through the halls without anything to show for it but apparently a knack for getting lost in the various hallways. He couldn't even managed to catch Castiel at his locker. Either Sam sucked at searching out people or Cas was avoiding him.

A week into school, and a snappy conversation from Dean to nut up about his new friends and just talk to the guy so he would stop hearing about it made him push forward.

"Hello Caslite," he said sitting down, a little surprised when the boy squeaked and twitched in his seat, like he wasn't expecting to be talked to. The tense shoulders seemed to relax a little when he noticed who it was. There was a shy smile and Sam felt a bubble of joy in him. He was off to a good start on his plan.

"I apologize for leaving so quickly," Castiel muttered shifting uncomfortably in his desk. " I didn't even ask for your name, that was very rude of me."

Sam laughed as he sat down. "Don't worry about it. You're doing it right now. I'm Sam," he said sticking his hand out. He almost missed the way Castiel flinched at the motion, but seemed to recover quickly enough. He didn't think Castiel would be so easy to surprise. Sam frowned a little confused, the kid was jumpy as all hell, and focused on getting his books out. He didn't think he was that intimidating. He waited for the other boy to continue the conversation and once Sam had run out of stuff to fiddle with on his desk he looked over to see that Castiel was just siting there silently staring.

"I haven't seen you around much, where are you from?" Sam asked thinking of the most neutral question to start a conversation.

Castiel's head jumped up a bit and his eyes flit across the room. "W are new. To this area. Lived a few cities over, my father decided it was time for new scenery."

"Welcome then. I hope those jerks haven't completely ruined what you thin about our school. They're not all bad. The kids here I mean," Sam said with an easy smile he'd mimicked from his brother. He Dean was so much better at social situations. Castiel fell silent for a second, head tilted in mild contemplation.

Finally those blue eyes turned to him.

"You seem pleasant so far at least," he said softly as the teacher walked in to begin to lecture.

Sam didn't even care that his teacher hadn't gotten their last quizzes graded yet. He didn't need an A on a quiz to make himself feel accomplished that day. The feeling carried him through the rest of the day, even if Castiel had bolted from the classroom the second the bell rang. He seemed like the type to take his studies very seriously. Maybe he was one of those kids that always got to class super early. After all Castiel was always seated by the time he made it into the class.

The day faded quickly and the second he got into the Impala he began to rattle off details about his day. Dean laughed and teased him about how it seemed like he was talking about a crush or something. Sm smacked his older brother in the arm but laughed with him "Nothing like that, just, you know. I get the feeling. Being new someplace and being lonely. I'm just glad to get to help out," he said with a bright smile.

Dean glanced over with a small frown and a dip in his eyebrows, "When were you feeling lonely? I didn't hear about any of this. Whose ass do I have to kick?"

Sam rolled his eyes, "Don't worry about it Dean. IT was awhile ago before we moved back here."

"Doesn't make it any better," Dean muttered focusing on the road. "So what's your new best friends name?"

"Castiel."

Dean's eyebrows quirked, "Now that's a mouthful. Sounds like a girl name."

"He's not a girl," Sam defended with a huff.

"Calm down there champ. I'm sure your girlfriend's got all her junk in the right places," Dean said laughing as he received a blow to his arm. "Ow- you're so abusive you know."

"Oh shut up you deserved it, jerk."

"Maybe, maybe not. Just try not to infect Cas with your-OW"

Sam would've responded with something snappy but paused, "Cas?"

Dean glanced over at his brother as he pulled into their driveway and parked, "Yeah. It sounds manlier than _Castiel. _"

Sam watched as his brother got out of the car, all the while muttering the name to himself and giving off periodic chuckles.

'Cas'.

Sam decided that he liked that nickname too. He sent the rest of the evening worrying about when it was appropriate to give someone a nickname despite his brother just throwing one out there by laziness. He huffed in frustration lying in his bed. He couldn't believe that no one had made a manual for how to relate properly to other people at this point seemed like on the greater failures of humanity.

At the same time on the other side of the city, as Sam contemplated social etiquette, a neighbor pulled his curtain shut tighter and turned his TV volume up. The screaming that happened on some nights was about to start. It always started with the slammed front door. A tall figure, in a hoodie, ragged torn pants, a backpack hanging loosely from his shoulder, a cigarette between his lips; strode out of the house after the second slammed door. The door he had just slammed flew back open and yelling exploded across the neighborhood after the teen. The father standing on the porch.

The teen made no hurry to move faster.

His father hadn't chased after him in years.

The the polished mahogany door closed eerily softly. The neighbor turned up the volume a few more notches. Damn Novak's and their trouble making children. For a public character he sure had a shit of a son or two. Tho', in all honesty the neighbor wasn't being truly fair. Usually there wasn't any screaming, if anything it was just the few arguments on the porch.

But if they had listened just a little closer.

What the neighbors chose to ignore shoudld've been paid more attention to. Castiel was watching with big eyes in the hallway as his father strode back into the house. His father's body shaking with furious intent as he ripped the curtains shut in the rest of the house.

He did not take kindly to being disrespected.

Castiel knew what was coming.

Usually it didn't leave him with a limp and in pain. His father didn't want to leave physical evidence of any kind. Very proper. Very thorough.

Quiet.

Discreet.

And all sorts of _proper. _

Not tonight tho. He was furious.

Castiel swallowed nervously trying to pray the night away with his palms clenched together.

At least Uriel was out of the house.

At least he got away.

It's what he told himself as he backed into the wall.

At least he got away .


	2. Good Morning Vietnam

**A/N v 2; Re-written November 17th 2012. **

**A/N: **Woah this was a doozie. I'm pleased with it so far tho'. Got to write in a scene I'd planned out when I first got the prompt.

Also; to anon review, Miss Kelly; yes it is.

Also times two; I'm a little worried when the ff word count is different from my openoffice word count. By like 100 words. What?

**Chapter 2; Good Morning Vietnam **

Cas woke up that morning slowly, clinging to sleep as long as he could. As it faded it gave way to twinges of pain. When he could no longer ignore it he sat up, holding a pale hand to his chest and wiling himself to take deep calming breaths through the ache. It was too early for a panic attack. He shuffled into the bathroom and didn't bother to close the door while he took a brief morning shower. His father had taken the lock off long ago.

Castiel's alarm beeped in his room and he toweled himself off as fast as he could, stepping gingerly out of the raised edge of the tub and refusing to look at himself in the mirror as he passed. The only thing he stopped to do was adjust the row of soaps and lotions into a line, double checking before moving on. Organization helped him calm down. He dressed as quickly as he had dried himself off, running his hands through his hair to dry it more, and wandered his way into the kitchen. His father's door was wide open, he'd already left for work. A small sigh escaped him.

He made his way into their little kitchenette area and noticed a sticky note next to a small brown bag. 'Your new medication came in.' He opened the bag and pulled out the bottles. Some Paxil and some pain killers. Castiel could never quite decide how he felt about this crooked window in his life. He'd been diagnosed with severe anxiety issues after one too many freak outs in the classroom. He'd been on basic medication for two years but as his anxiety seemed only to increase he'd been given a new medicine with a higher dosage. He wasn't fully convinced when his father said he cared, but it kept him calmer at school and that was good enough for him. His recent panic attack at their old school had been bad enough that he didn't want a repeat. Castiel popped a pill into his mouth and took two of the pain killers his father had left out. A glass of orange juice and a piece of toast later he was ready to go. He grabbed the house key that was hanging on a chain at the front of the house, put it around his neck and tucked it into his sweater.

He usually walked to school if his father wasn't driving him. It worked out in Castiel's favor that his father had such an early working schedule. The young boy always made a point to get to school just as the doors opened to try and avoid most people. Being around large crowds of people made him feel suffocated and unsafe. The same feeling is why he'd decided after a few attempts that he could deal with the longer than necessary walk to void the crowded bus.

It didn't come at the right time for him anyway.

On the other side of the small town Sam woke up to a small book slamming into his stomach. He sat up with a yelp and turned to glare through blurry sleepy eyes at what he assumed was his brother. He didn't know anyone else in the house that would think that was an appropriate way to wake someone up.

"What?!"

"Dude, your alarms been going off like crazy. If you don't get your ass out of bed I'm leaving you behind," Dean quipped as he closed the door.

Sam frowned, confused, and turned to look at his bed side clock. His eyes widened as he sprinted out of bed and out the door to his and Dean's hallway bathroom. He brushed his teeth and hair at the same time before sprinting back into his room and grabbing the first clothes he could find. Sam almost tripped over the loop on his backpack in his hurry and managed to make a near face plant at the bottom of the stairs as he missed a step.

Dean was the only one downstairs.

"That was fast," Dean mumbled around a mouth full of cereal, " I'm not even done with food yet. And I could eat competitively."

Sam's breathing evened out, "We're gonna be late."

"Your fault not mine," Dean said as he pointed the spoon at Sam, "and relax. I'll just drive a little faster than usual."

Sam's face turned white. Faster? They were barely skirting around the socially accepted limit above the designated speed. He wasn't looking forward to taking a leap to down right illegal.

"Dude, you look like shit," Dean said once he was done with his cereal, tossing it into the sink and running water into the bowl.

"Shut up," Sam grumbled at him as he ducked a hair ruffle from his brother and headed for the door. He got there just as his dad was walking in.

"Morning Sammy," his dad said cheerfully, patting him on the back.

"Mornin' dad," Sam muttered back.

"Why the sour face,son?" his father asked in a good humor that so wasn't appropriate for that early in the morning. But their dad had been in the marines and had always been a freakishly early riser. Years of being thankful for another sunrise had made it his favorite time of day. You rarely caught him in a bad mood before noon. After that tho', all bets were off.

"Deans a jerk," Sam said simply as he walked out.

"Am not!" came the muffled protest from the kitchen followed by his father's laughter.

Sam had made it to the car by the time Dean came out, their father in tow. John had waved them off, wishing them a good day as they pulled out of the driveway. The young Winchester's fears weren't disappointed as Dean stepped on the gas, turning up the classic rock station until it vibrated in the windows. Sam clutched the door handle with wide eyes as Dean drove. He couldn't wait until he got his own license and didn't have to deal with the safety hazard that was his brother anymore. By the time they reached school Sam was having a near panic attack. Not that he wanted his brother to get a ticket, but the one morning he wanted the cops around they were all pencil pushing somewhere else.

"Poor Samantha," Dean grinned, ruffling his hair successfully and then stepping out of the car. Sam got out of the car slightly fuming and just grateful to be standing on solid ground and out of the car.

"It's Sam, and quit doing that with my hair," he grumbled with a pout, straightening it out and heading into the school while Dean locked up his car.

By the time he sat down next to Ruby and Jess he felt exhausted, he hadn't gotten a lot of sleep the night before and the morning felt like it had gone by in a haze.

"Are you all right Sam?" Jessica asked, eyes searching his face, concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Why?" Sam asked confused. Did he really look that bad? He couldn't quite remember what his reflection that morning had looked like. He turned to Ruby who seemed a little confused too.

"You just look a little tired," Jessica replied with a small smile.

"I am, got to bed pretty late last night."

Ruby scoffed and turned more of her attention back to the front of the classroom, personally satisfied that there wasn't anything more wrong than that. Not that she was wanting to share that with the class. "And what could've kept your pretty little noggin up so late?" she asked with a sarcastic lilt, "trying to figure out that world peace thing again?"

Sam's lip quirked a little. One of the things he liked about Ruby was that unlike his brother's teasing, this was just kinda how she was, to everyone. That and she wasn't his brother. And despite being older than him had always treated him as an equal. And something else he couldn't quite place, but it always seemed very affectionate. "Social etiquette actually, which you have plenty of," Sam teased back.

Ruby laughed but before either girl could ask anymore questions class had started. Sam did his best to pay attention but couldn't help but focus on the fact that in a few hours he'd be in the same classroom as Cas again. He wanted to make moer progress with him. If he wasn't so wary of the intense amount of teasing he'd get from Dean he might've asked for his older brothers advice. Instead he was left trying to decide between 'Just use the nick name. Nick names show that you like people and that they're cared for' and 'we barely even know each other. He'll think I'm weird.' Now in the morning it seemed stupid that something like that had kept him up late at night. Luckily he didn't get too much time to wallow about it as time passed quickly and he found himself walking into their shared English class.

Cas looked up at him with a small smile. He even initiated a soft hello of his own.

"Hey Cas," Sam said cheerfully plopping down in his seat. "What's up?"

"Cas?" the other boy repeated, and if Sam squinted he could imagine a small blush. Maybe it was too familiar to use.

"Yeah, you know. I'm sure I'm not the only one that's thought of it," even though technically his brother had, "and if you don't want me using it that's fine, just, Castiel's kind of a mouthful." 'And totally not a girl's name' he added mentally.

Cas smiled again," I do not mind. It is quite a long name to have."

As class started Sam was convinced that the universe was giving him a prize for a job well done. They were going to have a major project, in two parts. He was partnered with Cas. A quick glance in the other boy's direction let him know that Cas was pretty pleased with this development too.

The rest of the day proved pretty uneventful for Sam, but not for Castiel.

Cas waited in the library until most of the students had left, thanking the librarian for the new book suggestions and finally walking to his locker. He began to fiddle with the lock, putting his combination in when suddenly his head flew into the locker. He made a small noise and immediately put his hands to his forehead, dropping his books. Through squinted eyes he looked up at the older teen. He recognized him as the guy he had run into on some of his first days of school.

"That's for my jacket. You'd better watch your back, and don't go crying to that fuckin' Winchester kid," the older kid warned with a sneer, "or it'll just get worse for both of you."

Cas couldn't even speak before the older kid headed down the hall and out of sight. He swallowed thickly, feeling the spit slowly crawl down his throat and gathered his things off of the floor. His small shoulders shook as he practically ran out of the building and made a half blind dash home. When he got to his house he slammed the door shut, locking it and raced to his bedroom. He crawled into his bed and pulled the covers over his head breathing deeply.

Calm.

Inhale.

1...2...3...

Exhale.

1...2...3...

Inhale.

1...2...3...

Exhale.

1...2...3...

It went on like that until his alarm rang.

His father was about to be home. He turned off the alarm and softly padded his way to the kitchen, getting pots and pans out to prepare dinner. Lucifer, his father, liked to have a hot meal ready when he walked in the door. Since Uriel had stopped spending most of his time at the house it had fallen early on to Cas to prepare the meals.

Sometimes, he burnt his hands. He feared that the most. Not because of the burns because of what would happen after his father rubbed ointment on them. The hands wouldn't stop.

Carefully he picked up the oil and spilled some into the pan, throwing chopped up onions to start browning them. He wasn't even halfway done cooking when the door opened. His back stiffened as he waited for his father to come into the kitchen.

"Smells good," his father said with a smile and a kiss onto the top of his head.

Cas let himself breathe easier as his father closed the door to his bedroom to get changed after his long day at work. He'd already set out the plates and the food on the kitchen table by the time his father came out. They finished dinner while watching the news channel that his father liked to have on. He'd learned early not to even ask to change it.

"Come here," his father said after he was done eating. Castiel's eyes darted around the house quickly before nervously walking towards his father.

"I won't hurt you."

That's what he said every time.

"Oh my god that was amazing," Dean said as he leaned back in his chair, hands folded across his belly. "You ordered out didn't you? And just put it into fancy bowls and shit?"

Their father laughed and Sam finished up his last piece of spaghetti. "Bobby's new girlfriend's been teaching me a trick or two. Who knew a pinch of garlic could change an entire recipe."

Sam nodded in agreement as he swallowed down the rest of his food. They all got up and rinsed off their dishes in the sink. John went to go sit at the TV as Dean and Sam faced off.

"All right, one...two...three!"

Dean threw scissors, Sam had rock.

"Yes!" Sam said lifting his fist in the air.

"What! No fair! You cheated. Best 2 out of 3," Dean said with a frown.

"Always with the scissors, Dean! You always go by the first one, you get to soap up all the dishes," Sam said taking off up the stairs.

"You little brat!" Dean yelled after him.

Sam closed his door grinning. All in all it had been a good day. He sat down at his desk and turned on the lamp. There was still some light outside but he always made a point to turn on the lamp before it got dark. He'd noticed that sometimes he just let his eyes adjust to the darkness and the last time they'd gone to the doctor they'd told him that if he kept straining his eyes there might be damage. Dean called bullshit but Sam had taken it seriously.

He opened his binder and pulled out the notes and assignment sheet for English. He was determined to get a head start. Obsessed about making a good impression on Cas. He was no slacker by any means and was going to prove himself a good project partner. The project was on a book called The Outsiders. Sam briefly read the description before getting started on the first chapter even though they wouldn't truly start the heavy work until a week later. He made a bet to himself on Cas being an overachiever like him, in the best of ways.

Sam would turn out to be somewhat right.

Cas sat at his tiny desk near the window, his father having allowed him to crack it a little bit for a job well done.

He took small pleasure in breathing in the fresh air.

After searching through his bag for awhile he took out his notes for the day and re-wrote all of them in neater hand writing, making sure not a single line moved beyond the light blue lines on the paper. It had to be perfect. He smiled to himself, slightly satisfied at the end of his notes. Not one letter out of place. His hand hovered over the book they'd been assigned. He wanted to get started reading it right away, but after a glance at his meticulous agenda he tucked it away. There was a history exam in two weeks he had to make sure to ace, and a math exam in one week as well as working on perfecting his understanding of balancing chemical equations.

The book would have to wait until later.

In the evening his father tucked him in with a smile when 'bed time' hit. His father believe in a good night's rest.

Just the same Sam made sure to go to bed early that night so he could get up on time. He didn't want to repeat the near death experience he'd had with Dean. He even managed to wake Dean up the next morning early and pushed him enthusiastically out the door earlier than usual. He couldn't wait for his day to get started and talk to Cas.

"What are you so excited about," Dean grumbled moodily as he turned the key and the car roared to life.

"Nothing, just looking forward to school," he said staring out the window as they pulled out of the driveway.

Dean chuckled, "Oh I get it. It's okay. I remember my first girlfriend and wanting to get to school as fast as I could to see her."

Sam frowned at him, not catching the teasing at first. "What?"

"Cassie," Dean said with a wink," I get it."

Sam's cheeks flared to life as he hit his brother with the book he had in his hands. "Shut up, jerk. And his name is Cas."

"Oh so it's Cas now?" Dean continued teasing.

Sam pouted the entire way to school.

Since the project had been assigned the day before, they were allowed a work day to start planning it and read the first chapter, although the chapter wasn't due until the end of the week. He pulled his desk closer to Cas's, watching the boy's eyebrows rise up.

"It's easier to work together," Sam explained. By the way he was acting Sam almost wondered if he'd even been to a public school. That maybe in some weird private school world things weren't as relaxed. Or if he'd even had friends or partners to do stuff with. The thought made him sad.

Cas nodded in agreement after a quick glance behind his shoulder, angling his desk a little more to be able to face Sam.

"So I guess, where do we start? I read the chapter last night."

Cas blushed and tilted his head down, his bangs covering all of his face at that angle. "I am ashamed to say I could not complete it myself."

Sam briefly waved his arms in front of him, " Nah don't worry about it. I had the extra time. You wanna go through it together? Read a few pages out loud to each other? It's what the other kids are doing."

Cas glanced shyly up at Sam, "That will not be necessary. I read at about 1000 words a minute, if you have something to occupy yourself with for a few minutes I will have read it it. Then we can begin with the analysis."

Sam agreed and as Cas read he kept a quick eye on the clock the other on the book in front of him. He was smart, he knew that, but as the seconds kept ticking he noticed he could barely make it to 600 words a minute in the book. And that was including passages he skimmed because he'd read them the night before. After about 15 minutes Cas lifted his head with another one of those shy smiles, "I apologize for keeping you waiting. Are you ready to begin the analysis?"

Sam nodded, impressed," Yeah sure."

They spent most of the class time highlighting the chapter in different colors for different themes. Symbolism, characterization, and some of the smaller things like personification, metaphors, foreshadow, etc. Towards the end of class Sam felt a little overwhelmed by just how far Cas read into the novel. He figured by the end of the project his book would look like a rainbow.

"I think that's all we got for chapter one," he said letting the pages fly past his thumb as he watched the colors go by in a blur.

"I believe so as well. Any further analysis would be a little obsessive and inaccurate. Some words are just words," Cas replied.

They sat in silence for awhile before Sam spoke up.

Conversation. Good start. All he had to do was start a simple conversation.

"Say, how come I never see you in the morning? I try and look for you sometimes but you're never around."

Cas did that small eye dart across the room that Sam had started to notice. "I like to get here early. The gates open at 6:45 AM, I like to be here for that."

Sam's eyebrows shot up impressed. He had been right about the above and beyond aspect of Cas's personality. "Wow, that's really early. But, I don't see you around the halls either, or lunch when I think about it. "

"I enjoy spending time in the library whenever I can. It's... peaceful," Cas said with that shy smile that Sam was starting to enjoy getting out of him. It made his chest glow and filled him with pride. He had put that there.

"Oh. You want company?"

Cas's eyes widened for a moment and he couldn't speak. Sam just raised his eyebrows in a silent question. It wasn't that far out of a request to ask somebody.

"I don't know. Uhm, if you want. I suppose," Cas stuttered out.

"Sure, just wait for me by the doors," Sam replied confused, it was like he'd never been asked to hang out before. "Wait, hold on. Do they even allow food in the library?"

Cas shook his head. "No they don't. I usually eat a very small lunch," ' at the edge of the cafeteria near the trash can where there weren't too many people' was left unsaid, "and I spend the rest of the lunch perion in there."

"Oh," Sam said fiddling with his pen. "Okay then. Well, we should have lunch together and then go. I'm sure we can get a lot of work done while we're there."

Cas's lips spread in an unsure smile, a little wider than Sam had seen him smile before. Then his face dropped back to a more neutral expression. "I will see what I can do. If nothing else I will meet you at the library doors."

As he finished the little metal bell clanged at the top of the door.

"Well, see you at lunch," Sam said as he stuffed his books and pencil bag into his backpack.

Cas didn't meet him in the cafeteria but they spent the rest of the lunch period around a small table silently reading chapter two and commenting to each other on certain parts they got to that made them have an idea, then jotting it down. They left the library together as the bell rang. Some moved onto his next class too quickly to notice the soft smile that bubbled on Cas's lips at the friendly hand Sam had unconsciously put on the other boy's shoulder.

"Oh my god this kid," Sam said as he slid into his brother's car at the end of the day.

"What? Another one? You two-timer," Dean said as he put the car in reverse with a wink.

"Oh shut up. But dude, Cas. He's so cool. You know he can read at 1000 words a minute? A MINUTE, Dean. He's so clever and he spends all his free time at the library," Sam rambled. He found that he was starting to really look up to Cas.

"So he's a nerd, like you," Dean said with a roll of his eyes.

"No, he's a genius," Sam said sticking out his tongue in a way he knew was immature.

"So when do we get to meet the parents?" Dean asked and received a blow to his knee as a response. "Hey! Watch it! Legs are off limits. Unless you want us driving straight into a ditch- But I guess the family needs to meet Cassie first- OW- I said watch it!"

"Oh like you would ever let anything happen to this car. I think you'd rather cut of fyour ownd dick than let the Impala get dented," Sam shot back.

"Woah woah woah, cut off? Can't we just go with maimed?"

"Whatever. I'm done talking about your dick."

"You're no fun Sammy."

"And you're five."

When they sat at dinner that evening Sam couldn't finish his food fast enough.

"Woah there kiddo," their father said with a smile, "you'll choke on your food at this rate. I don't want to go to jail for killing my son with delicious food. That kind of thing doesn't really get you a rep in there."

Sam swallowed the large lump of chicken alfredo pasta he had stuffed into his mouth. "Don't worry dad, I'll make sure to leave a note that I brought it onto myself. I just wanna get started on my English project."

"when did English become your favorite subject?" John asked twirling his fork in the pasta.

"Since that's the class he has with his new girlfriend," Dean responded with a cheeky grin, earning him a piece of pasta on his cheek.

"He's not my girlfriend! His name is Cas and he's just really cool," Sam said with a glare.

"Quit throwing food. And Cas?"

"Yeah, he's a new kid. Just moved to the area this year. He's really smart. We're working on a project together in English that's worth 10% of our total grade for the year. I just wanna make sure we do good."

"Cas huh? I'm glad you've made a new friend. Ruby and Jess are charming girls but I'm glad you've made some more friends," his father replied finishing his meal. He'd always been concerned about Sam's social life, especially since they'd moved around rather rapidly before settling down. He'd met too many of Dean's friends to remember half their names. Sam on the hand rarely brought anybody home. "I'd like to meet him."

Sam nodded enthusiastically, "I was thinking of asking him to come over and work on the project before our first progress report on the project is due. Get everything ironed out. I think we're gonna make an A on this if we keep it up."

"Of course you will, speaking of, how are the rest of your classes going? How much homework do you have today?"

Sam rolled his eyes as he stared at the table, "Just a little bit, don't worry, I take care of my grades."

"Of course you do, Samantha," Dean quipped and got a roll in the face.

"Don't throw food!" their father said sharply, "I swear it's like living in a zoo."

Sam muttered a small sorry before picking it up from the floor and eating it. 5 second rule.

"Well, he's welcome over anytime. But while we're all at the table together, Bobby's bringing his new lady friend over Friday, I expect both of you to be there."

"What? Friday? Dad, you really need to send out memo's or some shit. I have a date!" Dean complained.

"Yes, Friday. Bobby's family and he hasn't seen anyone in years. You will be there," John said sternly, standing up and tossing his dishes int the sink after a brief rinse before going to the TV and watching the evening news.

"Damn it."

"I heard that and watch your language."

Instead of responding to his father he chose to lightly punch Sam in the arm at the smug face he was making. "Oh shut it lover boy."

Sam threw his last piece of spaghetti at him. Dean yelped and pointed a finger at their dad, "Hey! You heard the man, no food throwing."

Sam ended up loosing the game of rock,paper, scissors that night. He spent the rest of the evening mentally cursing Dean if he didn't get the next chapter read so that he and Cas could get started on the project. Once they'd finished analyzing chapter two they could get started on the questionnaire their teacher had handed them for the book. If they were lucky they might even get extra credit by turning something in before it was due.

The next day they met at the library and huddled around the same small table gain. They'd it halfway through chapter three before pausing and answering some questions on the sheet, when Sam felt a question bubbling up. Sam had tried to get there earlier, much to Dean's misery that morning but he hadn't been able to resists Sam's puppy eyes. But still hadn't seen Cas.

"I got here a little earlier today, but I didn't see you anywhere near the loop."

Cas bit his lip and gave a small shrug of his shoulders. He pulled out a small key from his sweater. "I'm a high school latch-key kid. The bus makes me uncomfortable so I walk. I usually use the back freshman entrance."

"Oh. Well. That sucks. I don't know about the bus tho', my brother, Dean, he takes me to school in the mornings and picks me up. Have you seen him?"

Cas shook his head, "I don't talk to a lot of other people, or really notice them."

"Well, you'll eventually meet if I have anything to say about it," Sam said cheerfully. No matter what he said he loved his older brother and looked up to him a little bit.

They turned back to the book and Cas spoke up after a while filling out another question, feeling brave he offered an unrelated opinion. "I like Sodapop. And Darry."

Sam lifted his head, surprised. Cas so rarely initiated conversations. "Why is that?" pen ready to write something that could maybe be used for their character slots.

"They sound handsome," Cas whispered low, a soft smile on his lips. "And warm."

Sam's gut twitched a little confused.

He spent the rest of the day obsessing about that for a reason he couldn't quite discern. It was like that he wasn't unaware that you could just throw out compliments to people. It happened all the time. But it had still struck him.

He'd approached Dean that evening before going to bed. "Why would you call someone handsome?"

"When a girl digs a guy? I dunno, you're the nerd. The hell kind of question is that anyway?" he'd responded before shutting his door.

'When a girl digs a guy.' But Cas was a guy. 'When a guy digs a guy.'

Sam's brain didn't let him sleep much that night either. And before he fell asleep he realized he'd forgotten to ask Cas for a study date.

**A/N: Who else read the Outsiders in freshman English? It was the first book that got me into slash fiction. And yeah, my school did an assigned project like this so I'm going with that. I still own my annotated book. I might go dig it out to add a little more meat to the story. I can't decide if I'd compare Sodapop or Darry more to Dean, but that's where that's going. I'm thinking Sodapop with the carefree but def. With a heavy edge of Darry as far as parenting goes. **


	3. For What It's Worth

**A/N v 2; Re-written November 17th 2012. **

**A/N: **Thanks again to my lovely beta and the brilliant prompt she gave me. This will be the last we see of heavy Sam POV for awhile, but I wanted to build the relationship realistically before moving on. We're about to go into the rising action. Some of it will be fluff, some other stuff, the warnings were given in the first chapter. Also, please review, they feed my ego and my ego is oh so very small.

**Chapter 3; For that It's Worth **

Sam spotted Cas waiting by the gates that pulled up only when it was okay for students to enter the main hallways. They didn't want kids walking around unauthorized without teachers in the hallways to monitor them. He waved at Sam and ducked his head after a glance behind Sam. Sam turned his head to look around him. It was just his grumpy brother. Dean patted him on the back and wandered into the cafeteria. He'd agreed on driving Sam to school early only if he bought him breakfast. Sam plopped down next to Cas who finally looked up after ducking his head shyly at his brother.

"I know he looks mean, but he doesn't bite. I don't remember if I mentioned it before, but that's him. My brother Dean. He's just mad 'cause I'm making him get up early," Sam said cheerfully while getting his notes out.

Cas's stomach tingled, not that he let it show. He'd been watching the older teen out of the corner of his eye every morning that he dropped Sam off since they'd started to meet together in the mornings.

"Oh... why are you here so early now, Sam?" Cas asked as he took his own notes out. "I believe we are making exemplary progress in class. I don't think it is necessary to disrupt you and your brother's usual patterns."

Sam stared at him for a second before putting his notes way. "You know what, we're not working on this today. We're friends Cas, and I want to hang out more often with you," he said holding Castiel's eyes with his own, "I just want to hang out with my friend. We are friends right?"

Sam stopped breathing for a small bit as Cas smiled, a small brief one, but it was a real bright smile as Castiel put his notes away too.

"Yes, Sam. We are. What would you like to talk about?"

Sam smiled back instantly and glanced around for ideas on a conversation topic. Having a conversation with Cas required going in with a game plan. The kid really needed to loosen up in social situations, and coming from Sam that meant a lot. He heard his brother's loud laughter echo from the cafeteria and had an idea.

"Oh, I know! You've met my brother, well sort of. What about you? Any brothers or something?"

Cas's smile faltered a bit. "Yes, I have one. His name is Uriel."

Sam noticed the dip in expression, "Not very close, huh?"

Cas shook his head, "No. He's not around very much. It is usually just me and my father."

Sam scooted closer, "So just you and your dad huh? Where's your mom?"

"Gone," Cas said nearly visibly shutting dwn.

Sam felt awful for bringing it up.

"I'm sorry, I didn't to, well. Yeah. We can talk about something else," he stammered out, panicked.

Cas just smiled softly and shook his head. "We're not very close yet, there was no reason for you to have prior knowledge of my family situation. Please, tell me about your family instead," Cas pleaded.

Sam immediately agreed. He told Cas about their dad, who always bugged him about his grades. How his dad had been a marine and his mom a hippie, a very loud, activist hippie. He told Cas how their mom was in Haiti at the moment working the local community as a volunteer, and how he remembered sometimes his dad would have to go away for chunks of time because of his service obligation. That Dean had been left to take on the role as parent for some small chunks of time and their 'Uncle Bobby' who'd been there to check up on them during the times when both parents were gone. He briefly mentioned too how the volunteer work and their different histories would cause tension in the house. Sam told Cas about how annoying his brother was, the rock, paper, scissors games, and how Dean worked at the garage salvage yard type place that their adopted uncle owned. He tld him about how Dean had practically inherited the Impala, the pride car of the family that his mother had begrudgingly finally accepted instead of the van they'd wanted to get when they were young. By the time he was done rambling, he was blushing slightly. He figured he must've sounded so stupid but the look on Cas's face was worth a little feeling of humiliation. He was smiling and looking positively enraptured with the conversation; as one sided as it was.

"Forgive me if I am too froward, but your family sounds wonderful," Cas breathed out.

Sam ran a hand through his hair, "Nah, they're just weird. But I love them.{"

"I mean it Sam, they sound perfect."

Sam didn't even pause to think, "Then come over. Tomorrow. I know my dad won't mind, and you can get a ride from me and Dean."

Cas paled, " I don't know if I can." His voice got smaller with every word.

"Don't worry about it, I'll just have my dad call your dad. Sounds like yours is pretty strict tho'. I figure my dad could help."

"Yes," Cas paused, biting his lips, "strict."

The bell rang and the gates began to slide open. They walked to their lockers together. "You're in the student phone book right?" Sam asked, walking backwards to his locker so he could continue talking to Cas.

"I, well, of course," Cas stammered clutching his books.

"Good. My dad'll call yours later tonight. See you in English," Sam said as he turned to his own locker and barely missed Cas staring at him with panicked eyes. Cas hadn't had a friend in a long while, not since his late elementary school years. He also hadn't been invited to anyone's house since, well essentially forever ago. When he thought about it he couldn't get too upset because it was better for everyone involved. But... Sam seemed determined to a point he could not fight, and seemed to also have a strong, good family to back it up. As long as he stressed that Sam never visit him, everything would be okay.

Cas cooked an especially good dinner that night.

Not that he didn't always do a good job but really complicated meals made him the happiest. He even made the sauce by himself, melting cheese into it and crushing tomatoes in a little bowl. He was going to keep names out of it for now but he figured if the meal was all right he could ask his father for permission to go on a study date. His father was very serious about school work and generally allowed day time visits for that purpose. Usually he checked up on all the information but this time Cas hoped he could somehow sway him to forget to ask for a specific name. He would tell him that they shared a class together and only met a few times and wasn't quite sure on exactly what it was. Lucifer knew he didn't have many friends, so it would be a hard battle to fight.

His father came home beaming, after a good day of work, and glanced into the kitchen with another smile just for him and a compliment. As he cooked, his father finished his daily come home rituals.

They sat at the table and made idle talk.

"You cook like your mother," Lucifer said with a ruffle of Cas's hair as he left the dishes in the sink. Cas hated the feeling of pride that followed the compliment. He didn't remember much of her, but the compliment still made him proud. He wondered just how messed in the head he had to be for that.

Cas got up and cleaned, put the leftovers into tupperware containers that he meticulously labeled, and told his father he was going to take a shower. He hadn't gotten the courage to bring up the study date yet. But, he took it as a good sign that his father didn't follow. The happy feeling ended when he came back to the living room.

"So... I received a phone call, while you were showering," Lucifer said while patting the spot on the couch next to him.

Castiel sat down obediently, keeping his body tight with tension. He hadn't wanted this type of conversation to happen. Maybe if it was on his own terms there would be a better reception for it. Although deep down he knew there would probably be no way avoid it. Sam had said he'd call, after all.

"No wonder you've seemed... happier. Lately," Lucifer's hand brushed through Cas's hair. "I'm glad. It's good to see you make some friends. Are you glad Cassie?"

Cas felt a shudder in his shoulder blade but nodded.

"Why don't you show me how glad?"

An hour later his father patted his shoulder.

"I like this Sam. He's good for you." He gave Cas a gentle peck on the forehead. "You may got to the Winchester's tomorrow."

Cas wasn't sure whether to cry or laugh when he crawled into bed.

The news had been much bubblier when John had hung up the phone after talking to Lucifer. Sam had been ecstatic. Even his brother's teasing about it being 'serious' now with Cas, bringing 'her' home to meet the family, didn't phase him. Sam ignored it all and instead told, well more asked, his father to make sure he made something extra good for their dinner the next night and then hid in his room for the rest of the day. He stared at the ceiling while a tingly feeling raced across his chest, filling him to his finger tips and toes.

His phone beeped at him.

"Hey Jess."

"_You sound like you're in a good mood." _

"Yeah, Cas is coming over tomorrow," he said turning on his side in the bed.

"_Oh. Well, I was going to invite you to a little movie night, but," _she paused.

"Yeah, no. I'm sorry. Already made plans. Next time, yeah?"

He was too excited to notice the soft dissapointed sigh," _Yes, of course. So.. you and Cas seem to be hitting it off well." _

"Yeah, he's great. He's so smart and his hair always sticks out in these really funny angles that's just ridiculous. I don't think he owns a brush. His family sounds kinda lame tho'. I think we're really starting to become good friends. He likes chess too, and non-fiction novels and I'm going to introduce him to some scifi movies and he's really sweet. Like insanely nice," Sam blabbered with his legs propped up against the wall.

Jess laughed a little, "_If I didn't know better and you were a girl, I'd say you were in love with the guy," _Sam didn't have a chance to respond to that, "_that's good tho'. That he's got you. You're really sweet, I bet you make school and just other things so much better for him., ya know?" _

"So much better?" Sam asked confused, lifting to one elbow.

"_Yeah, 'cause of the bullying and stuff." _

"Wait what?"

"_You didn't know? He's, he's got a class below the stairs from mine. Sometimes I see kids knock his stuff out of his hands. It's stupid and childish. I've been thinking about getting later to class to maybe help him out but Mrs Brent is such a stickler for people being seated and ready when the bell rings," _Jess rambled. It wasn't like she wasn't the type of person to leave someone in trouble, but the class was too important and the teacher docked what seemed like an illegal amount of points off of your daily grade for tardiness.

"What class period?"

"_Second." _

The conversation pretty much ended there.

The next day as Cas flailed miserably in an attempt to catch his flying school supplies Sam was already stooped down to pick them up. Until Cas looked up he hadn't even noticed his friend there.

"S-sam?" Cas suttered out, pausing in confusion.

"Yeah?" Sam asked casually with a blank face. He'd watched the kid who it it retreat into the crowd. He recognized the letter jacket but counting to ten was all he could do not to chase after him. It would do no good to cause more trouble at the moment.

"What are you-? Why are you-?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sam interrupted, putting the pencils on top of Cas's books and making eye contact.

"About?" Cas asked, truly confused.

"This," he said spreading his arms out. Cas still seemed confused, like it had never occurred to him that this was bullying or hell, something to be upset about. To need help for. "Cas..." he paused, just if people are doing this every day let me know. This is stupid, and wrong. And you don't deserve this type of treatment."

Cas's face was still lined with confusion as he tilted his head. "Oh," he said finally. "It's my own fault. I brought it on myself."

"No. No it's not. Cas." The bell rang and Sam could only vigorously shake his head. "We're talking about this later. I'll see you in English. We're still on for tonight right? Dean overslept in the morning so I couldn't see you."

Cas smiled and everything seemed better in the world. "Of course. I am looking forward to it."

Sam smiled back at him before they aprted ways.

Towards the evening Dean sighed as he leaned against the door to his car. "Fuckin' geeks," he muttered as he kicked at the small rocks by his feet. His morning had started out pretty damn good. Got to sleep in and everything because Sam hadn't woken up in time. He'd woken up to the gradually rising sound of AC/DC blaring from his alarm clock. He had to admit, he'd have to hand it to technology, they'd nailed it on this one. Music instead of screeching? He could roll with that even with his leaning towards anything old school. He'd rocked out in his bed for a little, drumming in the air before kicking his sheets off and jumping dramatically out of his bed for the guitar solo. He'd stretched and yawned, letting the music blare as he stepped into the hallway and to the bathroom. Judging by the sound of no bitching about the volume, he assumed Sam was still asleep. It might've been a dick move, but he had hit the snooze button on his brother's alarm clock in the morning. But hey, if he was going to drive his and Cas's ass to Mars and back he had earned himself a little more sleep in the morning. He frisked his hair with his fingers and winked at himself in the mirror.

"Damn I'm a handsome devil," he told his reflection. He wasn't being vain, it was positive reinforcement shit or something. Working on that self-esteem.

As he was pulling his dark t-shirt over his head Sam had burst into his room. "You dick," his peeved younger brother said with a glare.

Adorable.

"Huh?"

"Very funny. You're lucky I woke up, and turn that shit down," Sam griped out before closing the door. Dean let out a short bark of laughter and just turned the nob on the volume higher. An open green button up and some socks later he was making his way downstairs where Sam waited with a sandwich in hand and a bottle of orange juice. Dean raised his eyebrow.

"You made me late, no breakfast at home," Said said shoving the items into his hands.

"What? No real breakfast!?"

"No real breakfast!" Sam said walking out and grabbing the keys to the Impala.

The little brat. He knew that Dean would never let someone walk more than five feet away from him with his keys.

So yeah, the day had started great for Dean until then. Sam had whined all the way to school and for a little bit, it was still awesome because the radio was having the type of kick back in music he rarely got to hear. First period teacher forgot to collect homework so that made it everything better too, especially since he'd forgotten to do it the night before. They had a free day in gym, which he was taking to keep in shape even through his 3 years of being captain of the soccer team had cleared him of his physical requirement. The hot brunette in his chemistry class had given him her umber after they'd worked together on a lab. And then another notch in his day. Homeroom had come and somehow decided to kick him in the nuts.

He couldn't remember the kid from anywhere, but the face was kind of familiar. Like he'd always been around somewhere but never really paid attention to him. He watched with a quirked brow from the back where he was sitting with his friends Ash and Garth.

"Nice of you to join us once in awhile," the teacher said to the grumpy teen. The guy hunched his shoulders and even from the back of the room Dean could smell the faint scent of weed. He'd exchanged glances with Ash and Garth. They looked jealous. The smell meant that he'd recently smoked and to them there was nothing better than being stoned at school. Dean didn't really care much for it. He'd had an athletic to career to think about and job opportunities, and they drug tested. His friends were not quite as concerned. He wasn't going to work at the garage for forever and you never knew when the next big opportunity would around. He didn't want to risk a failed rug test.

The teen dropped into his seat, towards the edge of the window and didn't say anything. Coach Meadows was still talking to him but the boy wasn't listening. Dean liked Coach Meadows. He headed the girls soccer team and taught one math class and his homeroom class. Everyone loved him.

"I haven't gotten any signed notes of absence for at least 4 days," the coach continued.

The teen just a 'fuck you' back at him. Dean bristled. He'd never talk to a professor that disrespectfully, especially not Meadows, one of the best teachers out there. They watched for awhile longer as the two went back and forth, the teens temper rising sharply. Dean had half a mind to get up and pull the guy out for a talk in the hallway, or at least shove him into a wall after class and teach him the word respect but didn't get the chance. The teen stood up, kicking his desk and storming out of the classroom. The class was silent for a second before Coach Meadows picked up the phone in the classroom and caleld the head office about 'Uriel." Dean had finally caught the name.

"Dude, I didn't think anyone could be pissed and stoned at the same time," Ash said in mild awe.

"Yeah well fuck him either way," Dean muttered," Who the hell does that kid think he is?"

"Dunno man," Garth said and then went back to the game boy he'd smuggled into class and was playing on behind his propped up book. Like that would fool anyone.

And now at the end of the day he had to wait while Sam and his friend Cas stayed after school for 15 minutes at the library. Sam had run out and told him they had one last thing to print out before the day was over. It had been almost 20 minutes since that.

"What the hell are they doing in there?"

Finally, he saw two figures exit the front doors and head towards the loop where he was waiting. He noticed Sam immediately who waved at him and watched the smaller figure behind him. Cas, thought curious. He'd only ever seen the kid a once before clearly, from the senior bridge as his younger brother had defended him. He remembered thinking that the kid looked small, not just physically since he was a freshman but the aura he had around him. It made him seem really small. He learned that even up close he gave the same vibe.

"About friggin' time," Dean complained as Sam and Cas finally got within ear shot. He pulled open the door to the Impala and climbed in. "that was almost worse than waiting for a girl to get dressed."

Sam tried to respond but Dean had already closed the door. Sam opened the door for Cas and indicated with a wave of a hand for him to crawl in. Dean looked at them in the mirror. Sam climbed in the back with Cas. The boy's eyes darted around the car in what seemed like panic and awe. Dean smiled, "I promise I'm a good driver no matter what Samantha here has said about me."

Cas's head jumped up then and the made eye contact before the younger boy blushed a bit and looked down.

"It's Sam!" came the protest from behind him, Sam's cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

"Oh no, I have faith in your driving abilities. After all you get Sam to school and back, just," Cas bit his lip, " this is a very nice car."

Dean's smile split into a grin. "You like her? I fixed her up myself with some help from our dad. This is my baby. You've got good taste kid." He turned towards the front and turned the key. He turned up the music and his good mood was returned. They made it to heir house without any major incidents. He hopped out of the car and marched into the house, the door was unlocked which meant hteir dad had come home early.

"Hey! We're home" he hollered into the house as he kicked off his boots and put up his leather jacket on the hanger in the entryway.

Sam was dragging Cas behind him, holding onto the sweater as the teen reluctantly stepped into the house. John appeared around the corner, gave him a pat on the shoulder, after wiping his hands on a dish towel. It smelled great in the house. His dad turned to their visitor.

"It's nice to finally meet you Castiel. Sam here has told us a lot about you," he held his hand out for a handshake.

Cas seemed oddly mesmerized for a second. Then he put his own hand out. "Good things I do hope. It is a pleasure to meet you Mr. Winchester."

"Call me John, Winchester reminds of my age too much nowadays," their dad laughed, "dinner'll be ready in about two hours. Just washing potatoes now."

Dean didn't see much of either of the boys for the rest of the day, other than when they got together for dinner. Sam had talked to him a little about how he really wanted to help Cas out, and how out of place he seemed at school and with people. Dean saw it for himself now and had to agree with the observation.

They sat down at the dinner table, the TV humming in the background as they passed food back and forth. Cas looked like he was going to melt into his chair when he took the first few bites of their dad's cooking, and spent most of the dinner quietly laughing into his hand. The most confusing part was how he looked at the entire evening. Eyes wide with awe and confusion, with a soft tilt of the head like he couldn't quite understand what was going on, and constantly fidgeting in his seat like he wasn't sure what he should be doing. Especially when one of them addressed him.

Three hours after the meal and the sun was already down he knocked on Sam's door, heard some rustling before it was opened. Sam's eyes had a hard time meeting his. "oookay," Dean said with a raised eyebrow. "It's time to go."

Sam nodded and closed the door again leaving Dean to stare at the door. He'd never understand that kid, he thought to himself as he made his way downstairs and gave Cas a lift home, Sam joining them. They pulled into a rather well off neighborhood and Dean was impressed by the time they'd pulled up to Cas's house. Even though it as a one story it seemed massive, but cold. The yard looked like it had been made for a magazine. And the colors on it, made it seem like no one had ever really lived in that house. Hiring strangers to take care of their home.

"Well, we're here," Dean said turning back to look at the two in the back seat, leaving the engine running.

Cas looked up at him and gave a small smile before sliding out. "Thank you very much for having me."

Dean barely caught it with how quickly the boy had whispered it. Then Cas was gone and to the door, knocking on it. They stayed long enough to catch a glimpse of Castiel's dad. Dean felt a shiver run up his spine as they made brief eye contact. The man's eyes were far too blank.

He didn't trust blank eyes.

**A/N: Just a brief mentioned on the weed thing, since that and drugs are going to be mentioned in this story. I gathered from certain scenes from the canonverse of Supernatural that Dean has at least experimented with and has had fond memories of recreational use with chemicals that do things to your body, and I wanted to keep true to that. You know the days he wasn't on hunts with his dad. And giving up on school. Anyway; thanks for the support and reads! Chapter 4 coming soon. **


	4. Run, Boy, Run

**A/N: Re-written November 17th 2012. **

**Chapter 4; Run Boy Run**

Even when Cas rinsed his mouth out, the small glow in his chest would not leave him. As he crawled into bed, his father passed out in his own room, he thought to himself that he must be smiling. Lucifer hadn't even said anything to him about his visit other than if they'd been productive and to be home a little earlier next time. Cas was please with himself for not stumbling over his words when Dean had talked to him. For weeks now he'd been quietly admiring the older boy. There were a few others he'd noticed at school but Dean fascinated him. He was growing up fast, already developing stubble, face clean of acne, and broad shoulders that led to strong arms. He'd immediately fallen in love with the dark car when he'd edged himself in. It smelt warm, a smell he found lingered in the Winchester household as well. Their father surprised him. Handsome ran in the family and it made his gut clench a little. The concept of sexuality was fairly new to him, though he knew he was more cemented in it than some of his peers. But the Winchesters were attractive.

He'd long ago found Uriel and his father's respective porn stashes, well, some of them. Cas tried very hard to ignore the existence of the others. He wasn't sure 100% on which side of the sexual fence he stood on but he knew one thing. If the porn didn't have a t least one man it it, it did nothing for him. Cas had considered going online but he feared his father's reaction. The only things he was allowed to watch were with his father and he didn't much like those.

Either way, he was aware of it at least more than Sam was. Something he'd realized at their study session. They'd settled into Sam's room and he'd gone exploring. The massive amount of books was a pleasant revelation, but with many titles he'd never read. Sam had promised he could borrow some. He had one hidden away in his backpack that very moment. He was extremely enthusiastic about all the puzzle games Sam had collected over the years. And then he'd even made a few jokes that Sam had laughed at. Before they started on their homework Sam had told him it was great to hear him laugh.

"I think there could be more between Ponyboy and Jonny," Cas remarked as they got to the barn scene, much further in the book than they had to be.

Sam squeaked a little oddly (what Cas didn't know is that in some of Sam's more self indulgent fantasies, he saw himself as Ponyboy saving the abused Johnny, but only a little. He wasn't sure if he could ever actually kill someone and Cas's dad didn't kick him out of the house and beat him. Small differencences) and leafed through the book. "What? They're just friends."

"It _is _possible for two men to share relations, especially in such a close bond," Cas replied evenly. In his memory he thinks he remembers Sam blushing.

"What, I don- I mean I guess," Sam mumbled. What followed was an extremely educational and worrying conversation for Sam, and a mildly amusing one for Cas. He looked up to Sam and was surprised that he had more knowledge of something than Sam did, especially sexual. It had made him wonder if his sexual experiences were just that unique. He really figured most of the kids his age were already sexually active.

Then his brother had knocked on the door and they'd left.

The scent from the car still lingered around him if he concentrated hard enough.

Of course that type of peace never lasted. Though he could only guess it was his own fault for being so damn transparent.

Usually he had no problems in class, other than some of the kids who wouldn't let go of the behavior he'd exhibited on the days he'd attempted to brave without his medication. He was still quiet, but he didn't jump around like he was waiting to be hit. His sweaters didn't win him any favors either, but it was a quiet attempt to be close to his mother. They didn't have much connection on that side of the family. His father never talked about it and Uriel just didn't talk to him. He wasn't even aware of why these over-sized sweaters had been left to gather dust in the attic but his father had been pleased when he'd picked them up and asked to wear them.

Now if only there was a pill to calm down his hormones.

Mrs. Alexandra was ill and they had a substitute. He hadn't run into this problem yet. Most of his teachers were females or males that were inching into their 50's. This was the first substitute teacher that had been male. Although sometimes he was extremely confused and unsure about his sexuality, moments like these (his heart racing and the growing discomfort in his pants) made him quite aware of the fact that he enjoyed men.

Cas was too busy starting and missed the teacher's name completely. He'd only be here for one day either way Cas figured, so it wouldn't be important. He was tall, and if Cas had to guess probably mid-thirties. He felt himself begin to feel ashamed as he glanced over at Sam to see if the teacher was causing some type of reaction in him as well. He wasn't. Sam was just sitting there, attentive as always.

"Who are Castiel Novak and Sam Winchester?" the sub said with a rumble in his voice.

Cas fought not to squeak as he and Sam exchanged glances. They slowly raised their hands. The sub smiled at them. Cas found that smile to be very charming.

"Ah, good. Mrs. Alexandra left a note here, that if I needed help with anything in class to ask you two. She's left some high praises on your understanding of the material. Now, could one of you tell us where we are in the book? I haven't read it myself in years," the sub laughed.

He had a very nice laugh.

Cas's mouth was dry and after a few silent seconds Sam jumped to his rescue, giving the page number. He heard snickers from behind him. Sam sent a quick glare at the kid making faces before turning back and giving Cas a re-assuring smile. Sam figured that it was one of those days Cas forgot his meds and was jumpier than usual.

Even with Sam's re-assurance he spent the rest of class digging a pen into his thigh and stuttering and squeaking, ears bright red whenever the su leaned in over their shoulders to check on their work. Cas made note that none of the other kids in class reacted the same way to the teacher. Not even the girls. He just dug the pen in deeper into his thigh trying to keep his reactions under control. He just prayed that none of the other kids cared enough about him to glance under the table. Erections were embarrassing enough as they were to him.

When the bell finally ran, Cas's shoulders collapsed slightly in relief.

One of the kids, Cas had never really bothered to learn any of their names (it wasn't like he was going to spend much time out of class with them and due to the work ethic he and Sam shared they were always paired together.) walked over to him and paused. There was something familiar about him, the way he stood up and something about the way his face was angled. Like he'd seen it on someone else before. Cas turned to face Sam about to get up and out of his seat. The kid smirked and stared pointedly at his crotch. A small blush erupted on his face and covered his lap unconsciously with his hand. Of course someone had noticed. Luck wasn't something he had an abundance of.

"Didn't know we had a fruit in class," he shot at him and kept walking, "Wait till people hear about this."

"Shut it Roy," Sam hissed, a little oblivious to the insinuation that Cas was gay for their substitute teacher. It wasn't a phrase he'd ever heard before and a subject he'd never cared about. "You know better," Sam said in a threatening tone, and despite their size difference, Roy being the taller one; the boy rolled his eyes and left them alone. "Don't worry about it Cas," he said with a friendly rub of his shoulder. "I know how you get with new people, especially adults. It's okay. You took your meds today right?"

Cas nodded and wondered what he'd done to deserve Sam.

He thought he was off the hook until he was attempting to exit the building. Dirk, he'd finally learned his name after being tripped on the way to the library, found him. He sighed and bundled into himself, eyeing his surroundings. If he was going to get knocked into something, he'd prefer to pick what that something was.

"So I heard you're a fairy and a perv," he said laughing, "damn. Knew there was a reason you got on my shit list so quick."

"Wha-what? Excuse me?" Cas stuttered out. Usually he didn't talk back, it was better if he didn't.

"Turns out my brother's in your class," Dirk replied eyes dark, "you'd better not rub any of that queer on him."

Cas stared closer at the older boy. 'Oh'. Those same angular features. The kid from English.

'Oh no.'

He attempted to make a confused reply but couldn't as the drink in Dirk's hand exploded onto his face. It dripped down from his cheeks and his hair, onto his shoulders. His shirt and sweater soaked. He told himself he wouldn't cry as he retreated to the locker rooms as fast as he could, Dirks laughter chasing him. Cas didn't know what he would do if the food coloring in the soda stained his clothing. His father would not be happy. And it was his mothers' sweater. His chest tightened as he realized he'd have to wait for it to dry too. He could hardly walk around without a shirt, but his father's meal had to be prepared. He didn't own a cell phone and Lucifer would be so mad if he was late making it.

"Cas?"

Cas looked up at the familiar voice and rubbed furiously at his eyes. It just had to be Dean.

"Hello Dean."

"What are you doing?" Dean asked, confused. He set down the net of soccer balls he was carrying.

"Spilled something," Cas muttered with a lop sided smile that he hoped was convincing. He held out his shirt in front of him, defensive about being seen shirtless.

Dean took a note of the droplets that still clung to Cas's hair and the large stain on the sweater and how it had soaked into the other shirt on the bench. "Spilled... right."

Cas couldn't even pretend he'd gotten away with the lie.

"Uhm, what you doing here Dean? If you don't mind me asking?" Cas said instead of replying to the suspicion in the older boy's voice.

Dean nudged the net at his feet. "Sam had some last minute meeting thing, so I told Coach Meadows I'd help set up practice for the girls team while I waited...wait here."

Cas stared confused as Dean retreated into the back area of the locker room. He came back with a plastic bag and a sweatshirt. "Sorry if it smells. It's all I've got." - his P.E. Hoodie- "you can toss your clothes in this and just give the hoodie to Sam when you're done with it. I've got extras so no rush."

Cas stood speechless as he was handed the items, holding them weakly in his grasp. He stared at them for awhile before Dean rolled his eyes and told him it would help the shivers running through his body if he put the piece of clothing on. Cas felt hot once he'd wriggled himself into the hoodie. Which didn't make much logical sense since his sweater and t-shirt kept him more insulated than the thin cotton material the hoodie was made out of.

"Thank you," Cas whispered as he wrung out his wet clothes in the sink and tossed them into the bag.

Dean nodded and they both began to go their separate ways before Dean spoke up. "The buses all left already... you got a ride home?"

Cas froze, eyes wide. "No. I walk home."

Dean's eye twitched in return and his eyebrow spiked up on his face. "Dude, that's like... a 20? 30 minute walk."

"It doesn't bother me."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Look, just go wait by my car. Sam should be done in like five and I'll be there once I'm done dropping these off. No best friend of Sam's is walking home that distance. I mean, fuck, half of the road doesn't even have a sidewalk on it. Idiot."

Dean left before Cas could protest. His body glowed with warmth as he made his way through the school and to the car. He knew a lost argument when he saw one.

Sam was already by the car, giving him a confused look.

"I had an accident and met your brother in the locker room," Cas explained with a sheepish smile. Sam knew it wasn't an accident just from the expression on his face and a part of him bristled up. He could only nod silently tho' and stare at his friend. Thankful for his brother if nothing else positive. Cas stared straight back before blushingly averting his eyes.

After that it became normal for the Winchesters to give Cas a ride home.

Sam approached Dean that evening, knocking tentatively on his door. He took the grunt as a 'come in'.

"What's up kiddo?" Dean asked as he sprawled on his bed, starring at his TV.

"How do you know if you have a crush?" Sam asked sitting in Dean's desk chair.

"Sammy, Sammy, Sammy," Dean said getting up to pat him on the shoulder while he got his Dr. Pepper can. "When did you start growing up so fast? I'd better not catch you stealing my porn."

"Ew, Dean, gross," Sam sputtered blushing. "I'm serious."

Dean's expression softened a bit as he moved back to his bed, facing Sam. "It's kinda like being on fire on the inside I guess, I don't know. Or a calm at the center of a storm."

"Very poetic," Sam replied dryly, trying to hide his own emotions. He paused, "Is that what you had with Lisa?" Sam questioned thinking of one of the two serious relationships his older brother had been in.

Dean laughed, "I guess. That was puppy love more than anything else I think. But yeah. A crush. God. That way back tho'. Barely remember most of it now. I just remember," Dean laughed again "we did so much stupid shit together. But yeah. Kinda like Lisa. We fit together pretty good. And when we'd hang out there'd be this rush and tingle and I'd just feel good when we hung out. Like I could do shit, and junk like that." Sam was already alarmed by that point in the conversation. It sounded too close to what he was feeling around Cas. Dean noticed the change and attempted to give a reassuring smile. "Welcome to the big top kid. Time to ditch those panties of yours and put on big boy boxers."

Sam threw a bean bag from Dean's desk at his older brother. Before he could storm out of the room Dean paused him.

"Hey, about Cas."

Sam froze, terrified for a moment that Dean had figured it out.

"Yeah?"

"Is he in trouble?"

Sam blinked confused, before he remembered just why he'd started to question his fondness for Cas. The protective instinct that had brought them together. "I dunno... some kids pick on him still, Jess told me. I don't know why."

Dean nodded and rolled fully onto his bed, signaling the end of the conversation. The last thing Sam heard before he shut the door was, "Keep an eye on that kid."

Sam huffed softly. He didn't need Dean telling him _that. _

Sam did not sleep well that night. His mind over-analyzing everything he'd ever done in his life. Dean went to bed snoring. And Cas went to bed with Dean's hoodie tucked away inside of his pillow case. It had the same warm smell that made him feel a little safer. He snuggled closer to his pillow, taking a deep breath and it washed over him; pushing away his shame. He'd never had a safety blanket before.

It was a Saturday the next morning, and he was allowed to sleep in a little before his father woke him up. "You're such a good child," Lucifer said petting his head. "I think I'll make breakfast today, wouldn't that be nice?" Cas nodded, eyes blinking tiredly in confusion. His father never cooked. Only on special occasions.

He got dressed and padded into the kitchen. He took a look at the ingredients that had been laid out. The recipe he was making was more of a brunch type thing than anything else. Cas edged his way into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of milk.

"Dad... is that mom's recipe?" Cas asked confused and quiet. He didn't remember her at all, but he'd been told a lot.

"Yes it is Cas, good eye," Lucifer said with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Oh... we don't usually... cook her recipes," Cas muttered trying to find the right words not to offend his father with. His mother was a sore subject.

"You don't remember Cassie? No, you wouldn't. Uriel turns 18 today," the smile twisted more.

Cas felt like an awful brother, "I shouldn't have forgotten."

They heard the door open before more conversation could be had. There was angry stomping down the hall. Lucifer smiled as he walked over to Cas and ran his hand through his hair. "No, you're always very good" he said picking up where they'd left off on the conversation, "It's not your fault he's never around." Uriel came into the room.

Lucifer and his son stared each other down.

There was a moment of silence before Cas spoke up, "Happy birthday, Uriel."

"Yes... happy birthday son."

Lucifer had stopped abusing Uriel when he'd started swinging back. Not that Cas knew that. Fights left bruises on both of them, and he didn't want to do that. Bruises told stories. It had been Lucifer's luck that his younger son had turned out with a much more docile personality. So much more like his mother , and maybe like himself. He was sure the aggressive streak came from whatever bastard father Uriel had before his sweetheart had married him and they'd had Cas.

Uriel stepped more into the living space and immediately noticed what was being cooked. His shoulders shook in anger. The house phone rang and Lucifer went to it; leaving the two brothers to stare at each other in silence. Cas was nervous, and fidgety. Uriel was staring darkly at the half cooked food on the stove. Their father came back and gave them an apologetic smile. Attempting for sincere.

"There seems to be an emergency at work. I will be back shortly," he said as he placed a kiss on Cas's forehead. Uriel's body seemed to seize up and puff itself up more with rage. His eyes danced angrily across Cas's skin. "Would you finish cooking your brother's birthday breakfast?"

Cas just nodded in confusion and immediately went to prepare the rest of the meal. By now, Uriel was furious, and he didn't think there would ever be enough drugs to put into his system to make the rage go away. He dodged his father's hand when Lucifer attempted to pat his head in passing. They stared each other down, Lucifer's eyes darkening as he withdrew his hand. He moved past him down the hallway.

"It's good to see you home," Cas said timidly as he cooked. Pleased to see his older brother again, although he got the feeling his brother did not feel the same way.

The door slammed shut and Uriel turned his eyes back to his 'brother'.

It wasn't fair.

Even as a kid he'd spent many nights running away from home. He was 9 when he'd started fighting back, half a year before his father gave up, and he'd started running from home. Since then he'd never spent much time in the house. He'd started smoking cigarettes at 13, the crowd that had taken him in when he'd run away telling him it would help. And they didn't exactly have qualms about the ages of the people who chose to hang out with them. Then it was a fast and heavy escalation into what he was doing to himself now. Even now, he was high as a kit; tho' he generally was when he was home. He couldn't handle the household sober. Uriel's hands shook as he stared at that pale skin, much like their mother's and those blue eyes, also much like their mothers.

He wanted to vomit every time he saw how gentle and kind Lucifer was with Cas. It wasn't fair that he got treated so special when it was the little fucks fault that _his _mother had left. When his mother left his abuse had started. It was damn near sin worthy to the deepest pits of hell that this brat was allowed to cook _his _mother's food. HIS mothers. Cas was just an unfortunate byproduct of his mother's marriage to Lucifer.

And then there were the clothes he wore.

Cas fidgeted, his brother's silence making him anxious. He'd only just woke up and hadn't had time to take his pills yet. "Any special you want me to cok it?"

Uriel tried to calm down his shaking fists as he stalked around the house and gathered what belongings he could fit in the bag he'd brought with him. He broke into their fathers study as Cas watched on in horror. This was not good. Uriel had come by that day because he'd wanted to get out as fast as possible and hoped that his father would've been working the Saturday as he usually did. There was no way to tell if he was home or not since he always parked in the garage and kept the door closed. He grabbed his birth certificate and other legal documents he thought he might need, as well as all the cash he saw lying around in the drawers that were meant for their yard people.

Cas watched him storm back out of the room confused.

Those damn eyes didn't belong on that face, Uriel thought and felt the absence of his mother screaming at him. The burn of the whiskey in him and the twitching energy from the coke he'd bumped before coming over to the house egged on his anger. Drunk on jealousy and high on rage he looked at Cas, "Mom would've probably hated you."

He walked out before he could see the droop of Cas's shoulders as he stops cooking. Small hands shaking. Sometimes, he thought Uriel knew about what was going on and hate Cas for it. To do such things. To be so utterly destroyed and messed up. He made guesses that this had to be the reason his brother hated him so much, and barely wanted to touch him and cringed every time he saw him and their father together.

Cas's lip quivered a little as he thought ' I think she would have too.' He thought about what she would say about the things that happened to him. How it was well and truly his own fault and choice because he wasn't, well. He just wasn't. He thought about how she would've never wanted to have him knowing that he would turn out like that. He thought about how if Uriel were in his situation he wouldn't have ever let it happen. He was strong like that. His older brother has strength in ways that Cas could only dream about, and he prayed every night that the choice he'd made years ago would keep his brother that same way. But even then he knew, his brother would've never crumbled the way he had. No. But at least one of them would make it out okay. That thought brought him out of his stupor. Cas continued to cook, he knew full well what Uriel's little collection of items meant. He wasn't comign back. Ever.

Cas gave a small hysterical laugh.

He was out.

It wasn't such a bad day after all.

The elated feeling was drained from him like water out of the bath tub when his father came home and noticed all the missing items. He ate the food in tense silence and as he went to put up his dishes he walked up close to Cas and whispered in his ear.

"Just because it's just you and me now, doesn't mean we won't have as much fun without him. This just means more time for us to enjoy."

Cas tried to stutter out that no, it wasn't fun. He'd rather it stop. If he could have a choice he'd rather just; he didn't even know. Lucifer just chuckled and stroked Cas's cheek noticing the freeze and the protest rising up in his son. "If you don't want to spend time with your old man, Cassie, maybe your friend Sam will."

Cas's eyes widened and he had to pinch himself to keep from hyperventilating.

"If you don't like it, don't do it," Lucifer said his eyes dark and calculating where Cas couldn't see them. He moved to sit on the couch for his mid-day news. Cas's shoulders shook and he tried to calm himself down. No, was the only clear through in his head other than the panic. He got up from the coffee table and silently knelt before his father.

"Good boy."

**A/N: Hello new followers. I see you. Also we are now obviously getting into heavier stuff. **


	5. A Face To Call Home

**A/N: Re-written November 17th 2012. **

**Chapter 5; A Face To Call Home **

"So, where's Cas?" Ruby asked with a smile as she twirled a straw in her chocolate milk. "Not attached at the hip today I see."

Sam huffed as he sat down with his little throw away tray. He stabbed at the suspiciously off colored mashed potatoes. They really needed a new lunch menu. "Library, he had some stuff to take care of."

Since the visit to the Winchester house they'd begun spending more time together between classes and Sam had tried to make an effort when he had time to, to find Cas between classes and escort him so douche bags wouldn't be able to make his life harder. Sometimes it really paid off to have Dean Winchester as his older brother.

"Oh," Jess chimed in, her smile lifting, "so I guess we get to monopolize your time today then." It was meant as a joke and they all laughed but there was a tug in both girls hearts that reacted to the staement.

"I actually agree with the airhead here on this one, it's hard to compete with those bright blue baby eyes," Ruby teased winking. Sam almost stabbed his fork through the styrofoam. "I've had to make new friends."

"New friends?" Sam asked confused, and he couldn't stop the small pitter patter of fear that race through him. Not that he didn't have other friends but...

"Hey there gorgeous."

Sam looked up to find a girl staring down at him, a baggie of McDonalds in her hand and a glow in her eye.

"Sam, meet Meg," Ruby said with a small lip twitch to show her surprise at one of her new friends walking up just as they were talking about it.

He pouted for a little, not quite trusting the eager way her eyes gleamed, "Hello. I'm Sam."

"I know who you are, and I know about that cute little friend of yours," she turned to Ruby, "I thought you said if I came by I'd get to see the little angel doll for myself."

"Library," Ruby answered with a roll of her eyes as Meg squeezed herself tight next to Sam, making Jess frown, who sent a short glare towards Ruby.

"Shame," Meg said as she ripped her bag open and popped a fry in her mouth. She propped her elbows on the table and stared at Sam, her cheek resting on one of her hands as she munched.

"Yeah... shame," Sam muttered back, edging closer to Jessica. He was not comfortable at all with the way that Meg was staring at him. The rest of the lunch period was spent with him trying to hide himself in Jess as the conversations between Meg and Ruby seemed to zero in on him and Cas. He felt relieved as he took a glance at the clock on the wall. Lunch was almost over. But of course that's when Cas had to walk up to the table. Sam had never thought there could be a moment where he didn't want Cas around. Of course everyone at the table noticed his eye twitch and zeroed in on him.

"Sam."

"Hey Cas," he replied, smiling despite knowing that the situation could only end up bad.

"Cas, huh?" Meg said turning around in her seat, straddling the bench on their side of the table. She reached up, fast as a snake lashing out, gripped his arm and yanked him down onto the bench next to her. He landed shakily on the bench, just barely, eyes wide and confused. "meg," she continued with a purr in her voice, leaning closer to him, and her eyes roaming over his concealed body.

"I... uhm, hello. Sam?" Cas said and turned wide confused eyes to his friend.

"Ruby's friend," he replied shortly. He wanted to get them both out of there as soon as possible.

"Now, now Sam. We can _all _be friends," Meg replied with a toothy grin before turning back to Cas. "I especially want to be friends with you," she said leaning forward on the table, maneuvering her arms so that her breasts lifted up a little more. Cas only stared at her confused in response. Meg frowned.

"I see," Cas replied with a confused tilt of his head, eyes flitting to Sam again. The only friend of Sam's he'd ever seemed to get along with was Jessica. They'd met a few times, only briefly, in the hall while Sam happened to walk the same path as him to class. She was sweet. He wasn't sure how he felt about this new addition to the group of Sam's friends.

"I'm sure you do," Meg replied evenly, trying to angle herself more into the view and scooting closer, placing a teasing invasive hand on his thigh. Cas jumped back a little like he had been shocked, eyes wide. Meg laughed and Ruby's voice joined hers. "Adorable! You didn't tell me he was this... precious," Meg purred. She made a great show of stretching and lowering her arms, the front f her dipping with it to reveal more skin. Meg frowned as Cas didn't seem to react. It always worked on everyone else.

"What are you? Queer?" she spat feeling the looks on her. It was one thing to behave the way she did and have it make men bend backwards for her. It was another to do it and be made a fool out of.

Sam frowned and got up, drawing the final line. This was not appropriate. No one was going to treat Cas that disrespectfully. At least that's what he told himself. It totally wasn't any of what he pegged as jealousy of how many emotions this new girl seemed to be able to make Cas feel. Although the more rational part was just pissed at the harassment. He grabbed Cas by the arm and waved goodbye to his friends before turning the corner with him. While they weren't allowed to return to the main hallway yet, he seated them right at the front where a group of kids was already waiting for the bell.

"I don't like I like her very much," Cas admitted.

"I don't either," Sam said as they passed the water bottle he still had between them.

"She makes me nervous."

Sam didn't even bother to make a verbal agreement, just made a noise in the back of his throat.

He didn't trust her.

Their suspicions proved to be true.

Meg was a sophomore with a reputation to uphold and she had take the little conversation at the lunch table very seriously. Usually Sam was pretty obvliious to the small shit that Cas had to go through during the day. He fought what he could but it was always somewhere in the corner of an eye. Not blatant. Since he'd already been in tune with the amount of bullying that Cas had been going through it seemed that the amount of people that bumped into Cas and accidentally tossed all of his belongings to the floor, or pushed him into the walls, had increased an unnatural amount. There was definitely a problem. And maybe he wouldn't have blamed Meg for it if she hadn't had an all too pleased smirk every time they passed each other in the halls. (He'd also started seeing her more around the routes they took.) Sam didn't even know he had it in him to want to hit a girl. His father had taught him chivalry. He'd tried to ask Cas about what was going on when he wasn't around but the boy stayed mute on the subject and just smiled at him confused. Sam didn't buy it. If Sam had known what little dirty whispers Meg had been spreading around he would've easily broken his perfect school record in attendance and behavior to follow his best friend like a guard dog and make sure nothing touched him.

But. He didn't know.

Cas was showering after his gym class, relishing in the warm water kneading his muscles. He'd waited until all of the other kids had left the locker room. He didn't get a chance to shower very often, usually there were people that lingered but for whatever reason most everyone had cleared out that day early. And usually he also didn't even want to shower but they'd done wights that day and recently he'd been more determined to get his scrawny body into a better shape. Being around the Winchesters had made him appreciate himself a little more, not for his own sake but at the very least for theirs. And after Sam had commented on his rather lither appearance on one of their shared library lunches he'd decidced to make more of an effort in gym. This meant more sweat. Which meant more showers. Cas's body tightened as he heard a door slam. He paused trying to see around the corner of the shower stall if anyone had come in. He prayed that it was just an echo from the gym nearby. Not hearing anything after obsessively listening he finished his shower and grabbed the towel he'd hung on the rack outside next to him.

His face dropped as he stepped out of the shower. He knew he should've trusted his paranoid instincts. All of the clothes he'd lain out were gone. Cas didn't want to cry but as he sat on the bench and wrung his hands through his hair he though to himself he should've known better. He should've locked up his clothes even if it was after everyone had left.

Cas wandered to the coach's office with a trembling sigh, clutching the towel he held around his waist tightly. He wished it was big enough just to wrap his entire body in. Surely, he thought, the gym office would have extra clothing. He knocked on the door and when talking to the coach the old man raised his eyebrows and told him no. They didn't. And that he was highly skeptical of anyone being so malicious as to take his clothes. Cas's lip quivered but he steeled himself and tried to hide under the man's watchful gaze. He felt awfully awkward and wished for another dose of his medication. There was nothing even remotely attractive about the man but something about the situation reminded him too much of home.

Cas took a deep breath, "Would it be possible to call a friend to provide me with some of their spares?" The coach looked ready to say no but in a sudden rush of bravery Cas continued, "Sam or Dean Winchester perhaps?" He'd learned from Sam that their name, especially Dean's, had a lot of value around the school. Staff or students.

The coach looked at him with disbelief, like there was no way this scrawny little kid was friends with the soccer legend and his brother. And for whatever reason the coach decided to humor him and sent a call to the front office with the predicament to see if one of the students mentioned could be bothered to be pulled from class. He secretly hoped it would be Sam, Cas wasn't sure if he could live it down if Dean saw him in such a compromising situation gain. He waited in the locker room, his hair dripping a little as the eldest Winchester waltzed in.

"Can't keep yourself out of trouble, huh?" he remarked with a lopsided smile.

Cas blushed darkly, "My apologies. My, my clothes were taken and I didn't want to be presumptuous, I asked for Sam too-"

Dean laughed and strode towards a locker that was much closer to him than where he remembered Dean's being. "Calm down kid. Sam's give you the Winchester ok and so has my dad," he said as he twirled a few numbers on the lock and it popped open, "I've got a little more pull around the school than most. Sam couldn't get out of class but I did get his locker combo. His clothes should fit you better than mine." He pulled out neatly folded sweatpants and a t-shirt. "At this rate you'll have half our closet at your house.:

Cas felt sure his head was going to explode from the heat rushing to it. "My apologies for that as well. I'll return your sweatshirt to you soon."

Dean just shook his head as he went to leave," I told you not to worry about it. Hell, for all I care keep it. I told you I have spares." He paused at the door to exit the locker room. "Oh, and not that it's any of my business but Sam's getting his panties in a twist about your ass getting knocked around. Should talk to him. Kid worries too much."

Cas found his clothes peeking out of the trash can later near the cafeteria. He'd found a plastic bag to wrap them in and tucked them away in his locker for the rest of the day. Mutely he stuffed all of his stuff into his backpack and raced down the stairs and out the door. Instead of waiting until the end of the day, he'd made a habit of sprinting as fast as he could to the Impala. It was less likely that someone was going to grab him when he around anything that belonged to the Winchesters. Sam was already there, giving him that concerned Sammy look. They shared a shy hug, Sam gripping onto him tightly.

"I found them" Cas offered meekly.

"This can't keep happening," Sam told him stubbornly. "We need to talk to the principal or something. Does your dad know? Something needs to be dne."

Cas shut down a little but held his small smile. "That's all right. I don't think it will be necessary."

Sam put both of his hands on the other boys shoulders and held his eyes with his own.

"No. Cas. This is not okay." Cas opened his mouth to respond, heart warmed by the protective sincerity behind the other boy's eyes.

"Sam-"

"All right ladies, break it up," announced Dean as he walked up, startling the two younger boys. Blushing slightly, each for a different reason, they crawled into the car. The ride was comfortably silent and filled with a warm family atmosphere Cas found himself addicted to.

Sam stopped him briefly as he got out of the car, "We're still on Friday right?" They'd made another study date.

"Of course," Cas said as he gave a small wave," and thank you again Dean." The older Winchester just nodded at him.

The week passed quickly and it seemed for the moment his tormentors had taken a vacation from his daily abuse. He wasn't going to let himself think about what that would mean for when they did start up again. Instead of worrying, at the end of the week he just snuggled comfortably into the leather seat in Dean's car, sitting with Sam in the back again, talking animatedly about a movie they'd watched in English. Every so often Dean would make a snorting noise and mumble something under his breath along the lines of 'nerd' or 'geek'. Cas had found he enjoyed the soft teasing. That Friday when they got to the Winchesters they'd decided to give Cas a little bit of social education other than straight forward studying. They'd made themselves a spot on the living room floor where they had been working on a few pages before switching to video games. Early on in the few visits he'd had Sam had taken note that Cas enjoyed the brightly light living room the most. In a shocking spur of personality Cas had even admitted that his favorite part of sitting in the living room was being able to smell the fresh food their father, John, was cooking. Sam had to agree.

Dean would even sometimes join them on the couch and watch TV s Sam tried to explain the premise to the newest action game they'd bought. This had become one of Cas's bi-weekly routines.

"Dude, Cas. You suck," Dean said from his sport on the couch, watching Sam as he tried to teach Cas how to play the new fighting game they got.

"I am well aware, there is no need to continue pointing it out," Cas shot back, tongue poking out from between his pursed lips in concentration.

"He's still learning," Sam defened, turning around and losing sight of the screen for a second which allowed Cas to land an unplanned two blow combo attack and knocking Sam's character out of the ring.

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Dean cheered as Sam whipped his head back towards the screen.

"What? No fair! Re-do," Sam pouted as Cas let himself grin. It was his first victory since they'd sarted attempting to educate him into fighting games.

As Sam re-started the round they all reacted to the phone ringing before continuing the game. They didn't pause it as John walked across the room to the kitchen. He picked up the phone.

"Unless ya'll are too busy for your mother, she's on the phone."

Dean and Sam immediately sprang up, leaving Cas to sit on the floor. He listened quietly as Sam and Dean animatedly talked to their mother over the phone. They asked her questions about how the volunteer work in Haiti was going, when she was coming home, what souvenirs she would bring back. Just as his heart started to dip and sink into loneliness, self pity, and a certain longing for his own mother, he heard Sam say his name. He heard the words best friend thrown around a few times and even Dean chimed in with a few nice words that left him glowing. Cas had a soft smile on his lips and a tinge of pink on his cheeks by the time Dean and Sam came back into the living room.

"Mom's coming to visit us around January or February I think, or earlier," Sam told him, " she's super excited to meet you. I know she's gonna love you!"

"I hope so," Cas replied, voice small but pleased.

"You should spend the night sometime Cas," Sam said as he shoveled rice and chicken onto his spoon, dinner having been served in the living room as a special occasion. "You're over here enough."

"I'm sure I would like to, but I don't think I can," Cas said as he poured himself a glass of juice from the pitcher.

"If this is about your father I am more more than happy to talk to him," John said decisively from the chair where he was eating his own dinner with them. Dinner was always a family affair at the Winchester household.

"Oh I wouldn't want to bother you with that," Cas stuttered out.

"Y ou should just give up now Cas. Sam's already decided he's gonna make it happen, might as well roll with it," Dean said with a wave of his spoon.

John Winchester did give his father a call, after they'd eaten. He waited anxiously in the living room with Sam. He'd been allowed a lot of freedom's as of late and didn't know if this would be stretching it. To his surprise, although he wouldn't let him stay the night that particular night, his father had told them that he would drop Cas off tomorrow and Dean had offered to give the ride back home.

He stepped into his own cold home after leaving the Winchester household and walked towards his father's room. Cas found him sitting on the bed. "Uhm, thanks dad," he said eyes flicking around the room, "for allowing me to stay out."

Lucifer smiled and motioned him forward. "Of course Cassie, you know I love you. There is one thing however-" Cas's insides sank to the floor- "I will miss you so very much with you gone at night." He pulled his son into his lap and held him closely. "It would be nice if you could give your father a little something to keep him company, hmm? You know I don't sleep well without you in the house."

For a brief moment Cas considered canceling out on the Winchesters, but it had been so long since he'd done anything like spending the night out, and what was about to happen was nothing new. He could just close his eyes and go someplace far away. It seemed like an appropriate price to pay. His father _was _after all being very generous with him. So Cas nodded quietly.

"Good," Lucifer said as he moved Cas to the bed and walked over to the camera he had set up in the room. "Very good."

The next morning Cas found himself being dragged out of bed particularly early. His father told him t go make something for breakfast and to have his stuff ready to go. He had to get something checked on his car and would drop him off after that before heading to work. Cas reminded himself to slow down as he cooked to make sure he didn't ruin any of the food in his haste. Time dragged on for what seemd like an eternity before they finally got into the car, seatbelts clipped on. Lucifer turned to watch Cas briefly as he pulled out of their driveway.

Cas had been a lovely, easily excitable baby. Wide eyes and a questioning gaze about everything that came his way, beautiful and perfect. He still was. Lucifer could still remember clearly the day he was born. His own son and those eyes just like his mother's staring back at him. Unlike the little bastard he had let live under his roof because of his sweet wife. This child he could easily love. He'd even stopped the harsh punishments and cruel words towards Uriel for a little with the new angel. He hadn't even touched the boy yet, his wife keeping all of his aggressions in check. And he had his secret collection. Then his wife fell into a massive depression after the birth and it didn't help that Lucifer was ostracizing Uriel from the family unit, keep all members of the family as separate as possible from each other. He'd whispered words that created careful wedges into his wife's heart. He hadn't expected it to break her. It was not the outcome he'd planned for. A year and some change after the birth of Cas his wife left them. He went after Uriel that night, all anger and despair and everything he'd held back for his wife's sake.

This continued for awhile, every time Lucifer lost his temper, and then for fun and punishment. He made sure it was always without marks; restraints were his favorite to use and made sure to keep him quiet with threats and tales of his mother. It took Uriel a few years for him to figure out that his father had lost contact with his mother years ago. Then one day Lucifer caught his 4 year old son staring wide-eyed through the cracked door. How he had managed to crawl out of his high bed without help he would never know. Lucifer stared into those blue yes and thought briefly of his wife and that small tiny body. He hadn't had a proper released of impulses in years, not even with his wife. It was as if a trigger had gone off in his head. He became obsessed, even shifting through his personal collection to replace as much material as he could with blue eyed angels. For several weeks when he tucked Castiel in, he ran his hand across the soft belly of his child. He always drew his hand back at the end tho'. He wanted the boy but had t make sure that came willingly. Not like Uriel, who was getting increasingly irksome. So he bid his time and took out his frustrations on his favorite outlet at the time.

Lucifer truly lost it one night when his baby shied away from his touch with confused eyes. The two brothers had apparently been spending time together and had left the small child with a wary imprint of horror from the way Uriel looked at their father. He couldn't have that. The outcome of the evening still gave him something to smile about despite his anger. Even though Uriel had fought back hard that night, leaving Lucifer with a split lip and a soft black eye (an 8 year old could only deliver so harsh a blow), the night had ended in his favor. After he'd finished with Uriel, Cas had waddled into his room.

"Please no moa-" he's said softly, small shoulders shaking. He stilld had trouble pronouncing r's. "No moa make him sad."

Lucifer smiled gently and fathered the boy in his arms. "Oh my dear Cassie, but he needs to be punished."

Cas hiccuped, "I help. I'll make it bettew."

"So like your mother. I love you Cassie, I'll never hurt you," he whispered into the child's ear with a grin, "if you come to me willingly, I won't hurt him anymore. As long as you stay good."

Lucifer smiled fondly at the memory as he drove the car towards the shop, one of his fingers dancing to the classical music playing on the radio. He turned his blinker on and glanced at the silent child next to him. He thought he really should find his ex-wife and thank her.

"This won't take long," Lucifer said as they pulled into a winding street.

"I don't mind," Cas muttered as he flipped through a book in his lap. He was going to be on his best behavior.

"Such a sweet thing you are," his father said, reaching over and brushing a knuckle across Cas's cheek. The only reaction he received was a twitch in Cas's eyes.

They pulled into the garage area and Lucifer told him to wait in the car. Cas nodded silently. He ended up digging out the book he had with him and trying to loose himself in it. Cas had been so immersed in his book that he nearly had a heart attack when someone rapped on his window. His head snapped around to stare.

"Dean?"

The older boy made a rolling down motion. Cas hit the button to lower the windows. "What you doing here?" he asked confused. Dean leaned his head into the window, hands resting on the ledge.

'So many freckles,' Cas thought as he tried to hold his breath. This was the closest they had ever truly been and he couldn't notice how good Dean smelt.

"I could ask you the same thing kid... I work here," he said punctuating his statement with that charming smile of his.

"My dad," Cas managed to squeak out, his pulse speeding up as Dean leaned in a little further to inspect the car on the inside. Cas could now see some of the small beads of swear that had gathered at the nape of Dean's neck. He wasn't sure to pray thanks to the gods as Dean pulled away or to yank him straight back into the car.

"I see," Dean looked around, eyes landing on the tall figure talking to Bobby. "Doesn't seem like the nicest guy," he remarked offhandedly.

Cas bit his lip, nervous that his father may be listening. "He's all right. Just a little strict. I think his was like that too."

"Think?"

"We're not all too close to the rest of the family," Cas admitted drawing his mouth into a tight line.

Dean understood a dropped subject when he saw one.

"So... well. I guess I'll see you at the house. That's where you're going after this right?" Dean asked, awkward as hell. He couldn't figure out why he was not having trouble having a conversation.

"Yes, it is," Cas said nodding and attempting to physically disappear back into his book as Dean began to back way. The older boy gave him a nod of understanding and then a short wave as his boss called him over.

Cas tried to stop himself from staring as he walked away.

He failed miserably.


	6. Igniting Napalm

**A/N: Re-written; Sunday, November 18th 2012. **

**Chapter 6; Igniting Napalm **

Cas tried not to stumble as he half jumped out of the car, waving good bye to his dad. The small overnight bag he had packed, smacked against his hip bone as he raced up the stairs. He knocked on the door and waited impatiently. His father hadn't driven off yet.

He'd wanted it to be Sam that opened the door, so that he could just race inside, but instead it was their father, John, and Cas had to pray that the eldest Winchester wouldn't want to go and have a chat with his dad. To his luck, Lucifer only waved and then drove off. Cas dove into the entryway and was greeted by an energetic Sam ready with a hug. They'd never shared too much physical contact, Sam being ever polite about his issues, but he welcomed the familiarity.

"Finally!"

"My apologies, my father had to get his car worked on," he paused, "I saw your brother," Cas said as he took his shoes off, placing them in the entryway. No one else in the house had ever done it as far as he'd seen but he always made sure to do it. It seemed impolite to him not to do it.

"So you went to Singer's huh?" John said walking up, "hope the old guy didn't give you a scare." The statement was followed with a good natured laugh.

"I did not get the chance to meet Mr. Singer but Dean seemed to be working hard," Cas said, suddenly shy as he he tended to be around the father of the Winchester's/ There was always a weird jump of, something in him when he was around and Cas hoped he hid it well enough to make sure he didn't make things awkward. It scared him that it was a familiar feeling he got with his substitute teacher for English. Not quite the same, he could tell that much, but there was the same electric taste to it that made him uncomfortable. And there was the feeling he got with Dean. Cas tried to shake himself out of the things crawling under his skin.

"I would hope so, the job's going to be paying for half of his tuition bills."

Sam laughed at his father and grabbed Cas by the arm, dragging hi upstairs to his rom. "Okay, so dad dug out a blow up mattress for you. It's a little lumpy but I can trade with you. If you want."

Cas eyed the blue monstrosity. "I'm sure it will be fine, my only worry is it swallowing me whole."

Sam bounced himself onto the blown up mattress. He sank a little but remained relatively unconsumed. "Good?"

Cas smiled and nodded at him, placing his belongings near the door.

"What now?"

Sam lifted an eyebrow, "We hang out."

"I'm not sure I'm well verse in the 'hang out' etiquette," Cas confessed.

"Well versed? Dude, we're just spending time together. No big deal." Sam rolled of the bed and hopped onto his own.

"I haven't spent many nights hanging out with friends."

Sam's face drew back a bit as surprise lined his features, "That's hard to believe. You're awesome."

"Thank you for the compliment, but it is true. I'm sure you could teach me however," Cas added as he sat down on his assigned bed, sinking into it a little bit.

Sam's mind jumped off the tracks for a little bit before finding the rails again. Teach him. Right. No more pore explorations for him. "Well, we could play video games, uhm, watch movies or something." He'd never actively had to think about hanging out. It was always something that just kind of happened.

"I'd like that," Cas said with a bright smile that reached all the way to the corners of his mouth.

Sam didn't even bother asking which one of his suggestions it was directed towards and instead shot up and walked out the door, waving for Cas to follow him. Movie sounded good. They went to the TV in the living room, Dean had one too but he didn't have permission to go in there (and no matter how much he pushed his brother he tried to be respectful when he could), and Sam had never been interested in having one in his own room. For the first time he kinda wanted one in his own room, to monopolize Cas's time. He brought Cas over to their large movie collection and waved his arm at it.

"Pick one."

Cas's eyes widened a little as he edged closer. His eyes felt overwhelmed by the amount of titles. He only recognized two out of the five shelves worth of movies, and they were documentaries. "I'm afraid I can't. I don't recognize most of these movies."

Sam wasn't willing to believe it. A lot of the titles were very popular movies that had been re-watched again and again by just about everyone he talked to_, _and didn't talk to. But he reminded himself Cas had a rather strict father and some families had weird opinions about movies. "Here, how about this," he said pulling a romantic comedy off the shelf. He had a soft spot for them.

They settled on the small couch and Sam found himself extremely pleased as Cas became wrapped up in the story. It was one of his favorite movies, and it wasn't like he had any ulterior motives about trying to show that friends could become romantically involved. That was a usual plot for many rom-coms. No motives at all. About halfway through the movie John walked in, glancing at his wristwatch. "I don't usually approve of this, but since it's a special occasion if you don't want to suffer through my cooking you guys can order pizza or something."

Sam immediately lit up at the suggestion but a glance at Cas dampened him a little. He could've sworn that he looked disappointed at the suggestion. So he played the diplomat. "I dunno, what do you think Cas?"

A mont or so ago he may not have said anything but if the Winchester's had taught him anything it was that in their family and small opinion mattered. "I rather enjoy your home cooked meals Mr. Winchester."

"For the last time, it's John," he said with a laugh, "soup and toast it is then."

"Not gross fish soup!?" Sam protested, alarmed.

"Always 'gross' fish soup," his father shot back. Sam glanced around the counter and felt relieved. The ingredients out were for potato soup with sausages and vegetables mixed in. He could live with that.

Thy were about ¾ ths done with the movie by the time Dean walked in, announcing his arrival with a slam of the door and a loud groan.

"I'm home!" Followed by, "Smells good!"

Dean made his way to the junction between the dining area and the living room, nodding hello to his dad before stopping briefly by the two younger kids. He took one look at the TV screen and made a face. "What the hell are you guys watching?" Cas held up the empty DVD case.

"Really, Sammy? I raised you better," Dean exclaimed with a shake of his head. He pointed a finger at Cas, "wait here, I'm gonna go rinse off and then I'll show you some real movies."

The meal ends up being done right after Sean's shower; although throughout the entire meal he continues to assert that once they're all done eating 'that crap' is out of the DVD player and they'll get to see some real entertainment. Sam seemed worried but went along with it because Sam seemed to look forward to it. If it was something that put Cas in an even relatively good mood he could put up with his brothers choices to indulge his friend. The second movie title began to roll on the TV screen and he knew he should've trusted his gut instinct.

As if scary movies didn't traumatize him enough, his brother in the past had made a habit of changing out his paused Dvd's if he was gone for too long to a scary one; pausing them right at the pop out moment that left him screaming and bolting out of the living room. There was one thing Sam did realize he couldn't complain about. Despite his fear and dislike of the movie, it made Cas inch closer and closer to him. Halfway through the movie they were practically in each others laps as Dean laughed at them, earning him glares from the two boys.

"We're watching Disney next," Sam announced, eyes wide and traumatized as the end credits rolled. Cas nodded in mute agreement. They disentangled themselves to Sam's disappointment and Cas padded gently into the kitchen to grab a fresh coke.

He nearly flung it at the wall as someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Dean!"

The older boy just laughed and smirked at him, finding his surprise endearing, "Well well, even Mr. monochrome range of emotions can raise his voice."

"Big word Dean, I'm surprised," Cas shot back turning around quickly. He'd been pressured into being much more verbal and snippy by the two brothers and obliged just to see the smiles on their faces as he 'loosened up', as they called it. He'd Cas had learned how to joke with the Winchester's but that didn't mean that he would stop hiding from the things that came out of his mouth. Regardless he still let himself smile as Dean laughed.

"That hurt Cassie."

Cas froze in place and had to take deep breaths to calm himself. He tried to push his voice into a joking tone. "Don't call me that. Cas or Castiel. Castiel if you can handle the syllables."

Dean rolled his eyes but clapped him on the shoulder as he rolled his eyes and smiled to himself.

"The Little Mermaid? Really? Can we at least watch the Lion King or something? ANYTHING?" Cas heard Dean complain as the boy entered the living room.

Cas counted his breathing exercises once Dean had cleared the room.

"If you don't like it you don't have to watch it with us."

Even through his small anxiety fit Cas knew he didn't want Dean to leave. Not yet. He walked into the living room with his coke happily fizzing away in his hand. "What is the Lion King?" he asked, with a small head tilt. Were it any other time he would have liked to have watched the movie adaption of the mermaid lore. But this was about Dean.

"It's bad ass is what it is," Dean said as he grabbed the movie off the shelf and briefly scuffled with his brother to put the DVD in.

"Fine," Sam pouted but the expression soon melted away as Cas placed himself just as close as they'd been during the scary movie. He figured that despite Dean's assurances Cas wasn't 100% trustful about where hthis movie would go.

Eventually they had crawled into bed, Dean retiring before they did. He'd nestled himself into his blankets and fallen asleep content.

Then Castiel had woken up in the middle of the night with an edge of a nightmare in his memory. He forced all the images back into his mind as he listened to Sam's soft snoring in the bed next to him. Cas went to the bathroom and splashed water on his face.

Cas was about to return to Sam's room to sleep when he heard a noise. Not just any noise. He knew that sound.

Luckily he'd always been silent on his feet. He crept towards the door that the sound was coming from.

He knew that voice. And the door was cracked open.

He peeked through, crouching on the ground. Cas's eyes blew wide open and he felt blood pulsing to his crotch. Dean was sprawled out in a chair, legs wide open watching something. Cas briefly glanced up at what he was watching. He recognized it as porn. He grew a little hard while desperately trying to pry his eyes to anywhere else but Dean. He'd seen naked men, and women, before but nothing quite made his body pulse and race as this. He watched with rapt attention as Dean's hand slid down to his dick, his thumb swiping over the crown of it after every pull.

Cas couldn't move.

Dean moaned again and gave a hard tug. Cas could feel his mouth moistening, his tongue running circles around his lips. Dean jerked his hips up into his hand and then moved briefly to cup his balls before going back to stroking a thick vein on the underside f his dick that Cas could see clearly in the bright computer light. Unconsciously, Cas's hand moved to push his palm against his own erection. Dean tightened his grip around his dick and gave a few more tugs before he came. Castiel watched, rubbing himself harder, as Dean's cum flew up and onto his bare chest. Pump after pump of a lazy fist. He watched as Dean went limp in the chair, sprawling out and carelessly yanking the headphones from his ears. Cas listened to his heavy breathing as he watched Dean's dick start to top down and soften. The older boy leaned towards the computer screen ready to close out of the window.

It was time for Cas to make an exit.

But he stood up a little too quickly from his half crouched position and knocked against the wall. The older Winchester's head snapped towards the sound. Cas backed up and started to move towards Sam's room, making it halfway. But since he had back pedaled his way to it he was still facing Dean's room as the older boy stepped out.

Dean opened the door and they stared at each other for awhile.

"I was going to the bathroom... and I heard," Cas started, trying to find any excuse for the flush on his face. He'd managed to angle his hips so that his own 'shamed' couldn't be seen.

Dean blushed darkly, too embarrassed to notice Cas's state. "Uh... don't worry about it. Just, fuck. Uhm, awkward. Just, go to bed. Shit. Just, my bad. I thought, fuck. Uhm. I'm sorry. I don't usually-"

"It's all right Dean," Cas replied quickly, "I did not see anything," he lied, "I was just confused about the noise."

"Yeah, okay. Uh. Don't tell Sam?"

"I won't. Good night Dean."

"Night Cas."

Cas nodded and fled back into Sam's room. He slid into his cot and waited until he heard the soft click of Dean's door closing before letting his hand wander down under his PJ pants. He paused and crawled over to pull the duffel bag closer around him (they'd laid it out on top of the mattress for extra comfort). After a quick glance to make sure Sam was well and truly asleep, he replayed the scene in his head until he came into his hand. His pants would be sticky and crusty in the morning in some spots, but he could live with that.

Dean and Cas wouldn't talk about what happened that night, which was just fine with him. If they didn't talk about it, Dean couldn't make him feel weird or rejected. Which meant that he could take whatever warm and tingling sensations he wanted to from the memory. He had even started wearing Dean's sweatshirt on some of his rougher nights. It gave him something warm to wrap up in. And sometimes. Just sometimes. He could even bliss out his mind when his father took him,a lthough even with the hoodie to lull him into a safe place not much helped bathe the sting away. Lucifer had started drinking heavily again. Despite the fact that Uriel was now 18, their father was still responsible for the school related activities, and from what he understood things at work weren't going well either. And somewhere in the back of his mind Cas liked to think that Lucifer missed Uriel in the best of ways. But the stress of the emotions wasn't anything he couldn't handle, he told himself every night he dared a glance in the mirror. Trying to be brave before running to his bed and puling the covers tight around him like a cocoon.

The sleepover, despite some of it's more awkward moments, had given him what felt like an extra bone in his spine that helped him stand up straighter. He was even able to talk back to one of his bullies as his head was shoved into his own locker. Luckily his temple had missed the door slamming shut. Cas had slid his hand up to avoid the impact.

He was learning.

Things took a dip for the worst for a little while, but Cas supposed it was his own fault as everything tended to be. He hadn't seen his brother in a few weeks so when he saw him standing in a corner with a few of what he assumed were his friends, puffing on a cigarette (although Cas was convinced it was against the rules to smoke on campus property despite your age), he had to approach him. He wanted to make sure his brother was doing all right, and he missed him dearly. They didn't have a lot in common but it was still his only family other than their father. That carried weight. Family meant things. He'd walked up, shy and his anxiety escalating, as he crossed the parking lot from the Tennis court (they had just gotten done with P.E.) and he was out of breath as well.

"Uriel," he said with a shaky smile. His brother hadn't responded but just raised and eyebrow as his face drew into a grimace.

"Didn't know you associated with homo's," one of his friends said with a jab at Uriel's ribs and noticeable disdain hidden behind the 'friendly' quip.

"I don't," Uriel responded turning his back, walking way. Cas watched his brothers retreating back as the group encircled him.

"Cas!"

The entire group stopped and some of the faces in it paled. One person took off.

Dean Winchester.

Even in that clique of people, Dean's pull around the school and small town was a well known fact. Although he wasn't known for violence, he was known for his vehement defense of people he considered his own. Cas had been rumored to now be on that list because of the younger brother.

"H-hello Dean," Cas stammered out, trying to back himself into a wall to feel safer. He didn't like the vibe that the boys around him were giving nor the surprise of another person, even if it was someone he knew. His eyes softened as Sam trotted up behind his brother.

"There a problem?" Dean challenged as Sam tried to square his shoulders to appear as talla s his brother.

The boys didn't even responded as they slinked off, one of them stopping only to put out the lit cigarette he still held between his fingers.

Cas breathed in deeply.

Sam rushed to his side and began to guide him to the doors that would lead back into the building, seeing the build up of the anxiety attacks he'd sometimes witnessed while walking the halls. "What was that about?"

Cas just shook his head.

"That kid... was that your brother?" Dean asked, his eyes still fixated on the retreating backs of the kids he'd managed to scare off.

"What? Them? No," Cas began.

"No I mean the kid you were talking to, the one that walked off right when you walked up?" Dean said his voice kept monotone. Sam knew that was his brother's 'about to flip off the handle' tone, but Cas didn't so he was left a little flustered and embarrassed. Cas was fighting between sharing too much of his own life that felt too forward, and wondering why Dean seemed so shut off and cold. He'd never seen him like that and it made him nervous.

But honesty was the best way to go, wasn't it?

"Yes, that was Uriel," Cas responded as Sam held the door open for him and they slipped back inside the school.

"He seems like a fucking jerk," Dean said with a hint of venom in his voice. Cas recoiled a little, not enough to attract attention but Sam had been watching him long enough to see the smallest changes.

Sam noticed that this cold calm of protectiveness was making his friend uncomfortable. And without knowing him he could kind of understand why. Not every one was privy to that specific type of defense mechanism of the Winchester family. He couldn't exactly pull his brother aside to tell him that he was probably scaring Cas a little. So he opted for a joke.

"Yeah, well. You're kind of a jerk too," Sam quipped, trying to put a double emotion behind some of his words, signaling with emphasis and eye motions that the topic needed to be dropped.

To his luck, the years Dean had spent raising Sam paid off. He go the hint. "Yeah well not that much of a jerk," he grumbled letting the subject drop.

Word about their little confrontation had snaked its way across the school to all the wrong people. Specifically a pair that didn't need any more excuses to torment him. During class, Roy had at least backed off, finding that Sam made an effective guard dog. Cas told himself that maybe if he could just figure out what he'd done to offend these people it would all stop. He couldn't imagine people taking senseless amusement out of pain. Pain always had a reason, he'd learned. Usually one that was his fault, admitted. But if he tried hard enough, he had to believe he could make it lessen. He just had to try much harder. Cas thought that desperately as the the brother tormentor pair cornered him near the grasy edge outside the dinner tables in the school yard.

As he stumbled backwards from the bump he was given, his supplies flew out in a clean arch (in bitter humor he was starting to develop, if this getting his stuff knocked off of him in perfect arches was an Olympic sport, he'd have won several gold metals); he thought he heard Dirk mumble something about his older brother, Uriel, and staying out of someone's way. He wasn't quite sure what it was as his elbow crashed sharply into the table behind him.

"Lay off him boys," came an unmistakeable purr.

The brothers stopped and stepped back, exchanging looks before walking off.

Meg, much like Dean, had pull at the school, but for significantly different reasons. Cas squinted through one ye as he fought back the sharp pulsing that raced through his elbow.

"M-meg," he said through clenched teeth. Generally this would've been followed by a 'thank you' but Sam had given him a very informative lecture on just the type of person Meg was.

"The one and only. Here. Let me help you with that," she said with a grin as she yanked Cas up from the ground. He stumbled into her, face planting itself snugly near her chest from the unbalance. The younger boy had never found himself wishing for a growth spurt more. He pushed himself backwards but she held a strong grip on his wrist.

"Thank you. Meg. I appreciate your assistance" he rushed out, " I am capable of handling it from here."

Meg pouted and tried to rub her body closer to Cas'. "Aaaw. What's with the attitude gorgeous? What? Am I not _old _enough for you?" she hissed and Cas froze, "or maybe not muscular enough? Huh? A soccer captain? No, I've got it ," she leaned in closer to Cas who's eyes widened as he began to shake, "or I thought I did. Save you frm a few bullies. Get myself a cute little lapdog. Like Sam did."

"Enough!" Cas yelped, extending his arms out fully to back away from her. She stumbled back in surprise. It wasn't as if Cas exceptionally strong, or confrontational, but she did _not _have permission to speak of Dean and Sam like that.

Meg's expression darkened as she heard a few giggles from passing by students. Public humiliation was what she did to people, not the other way around. She pulled Cas sharply and left him wobbling before angling him to the side by his sweater and shoving him down into a muddy wet patch, created by the sprinklers that had been on earlier during the day.

She leaned down, toeing carefully around the mud in her sharp bots and knelt next to him. "Shouldn't have done that. I'm not the only one who has an eye on that sweet little ass of yours. You should know better. Small little town like this," meg said as she crouched lower while Cas tried to disentangle himself from the patch of mud and grass and her grip. His jerky movements ended up giving her easy access to his ear. "Just remember. I tried, I really did." And with that vague threat, that left Cas a litle more preoccupied with feeling confused than how terrified he would be later, she left.

**A/N: Things are about to get a little bumpy and confusing. We're about the halfway point of the rising action of the story. We'll be getting some Sam POV in the next chapter and while I'm still working on the first draft there's def. Going to be one major plot point that was given by the prompt in the next chapter. Thank you for your continued support, and those of you who are reviewing. You make my inbox smile. **


	7. Do You Know, if There's Light at the End

**Re-Written; Wednesday November 21st **

**Chapter 7; Do You Know, if There's Light at the End of the Tunnel?**

Sam found himself realizing that he hadn't been in such a good mood in a long time. He really had to find a way to get Cas to spend the night again. His friend had been loosening up significantly already, but Sam couldn't remember when he felt like something had been a perfect success. The sleepover had been it. Somewhere in his brain he did a little cheer that he could be there for Cas when he was unnerved, such as the movie. Even with it was in the stupidest littlest ways possible. He'd never thank his brother for the scary movie but it had felt nice to be there for his friend. It almost made him feel like Dean. A protector. Someone to look up to.

That night he'd had an odd dream where he was a strange mixture of his brother and himself, taking care of Cas,going to school together, and him sleeping in his room. He'd woken up panicked with a small glow in his chest. He didn't think he was gay, not that he had much understanding of what the term even meant. He'd had his late night google explorations but the research had stopped there and from the images he'd stumbled upon he didn't think he had a physical reaction to them. But maybe his puberty wasn't going right. Or slow, so he didn't chalk that discovery up to much. Sam had never really had much of any physical attraction to anything. He'd started for a little to panic that he wasn't capable of sexual feelings, it felt important that he should. That panic was quickly squashed by a gander through a few racy stories he'd read online. It hadn't done much but it was enough for him to feel comfortable.

Despite the confusion he was experiencing by spending so much time thinking about his best friend he was proud of himself, well, mostly proud of Cas. He'd been joining them for lunch more often and they'd managed to make out a somewhat functioning schedule so that Sam could shadow him to class. Although Cas wasn't the happiest camper with Sam taking extra time out he'd won with an 'I'll worry about you being knocked around otherwise and get distracted in class' argument. It was nice too because he was able to keep an eye on other things with Cas. For example, as long as they were in the safety of their own little group, he even saw his friend laugh. Cheeks glowing and the edges of his lips dipping into spots where most people had dimples. Maybe he'd develop them if he smiled enough. Sam decided he would like that. Cas didn't smile enough. It also helped that for whatever reason Cas's ad was letting him come by their house more often. He'd tried to ask about it once after the sleepover but Cas hadn't felt like sharing.

It left him wondering about Cas's home life. He never could stop talking about his own and when asked for some details on Cas's he'd steer the subject away and just ask more questions about the Winchester's. Sam tried not to think too much of it. If it was important Cas would tell him. He had faith in that.

The only down side to Cas hanging out more was his brother. It wasn't like he was being a dick or anything. He was actually being really awesome, which Sam happily chalked up to Dean just being really happy that Sam had a best friend that didn't have a vagina. The strange feeling he had about his brother and his best friend started when they'd had to go to the garage for an 'emergency' after school. Cas and him had waited in the car and although the conversation didn't lag he couldn't help but notice the way every few seconds those blue eyes would drift to his brother and just follow him around the lot. It couldn't have been an interest in the cars or mechanics specifically, all Dean was doing was rolling a tire to the car sitting up on the lift. How the hell could that be interesting?

The second time he felt that bit of strange sting was when instead of asking Sam, like Dean usually did, he asked Cas to climb out of the car when the car had overheated. Admitted, Sam had told his brother several times that he didn't really care about cars and mechanics but at the same time his stomach did a weird twist as he watched Cas enthusiastically memorize the engine parts that Dean pointed out to him.

The pat on the back and the way Dean's fingers curled around Cas's shoulder didn't help.

Jealousy.

It wasn't a word that Sam had expected to assign himself. Ever. That is, until Jess pointed it out one night. He'd finally made time between his heavy school work and Cas that they could have a proper hang out evening. Ruby hadn't been able to make it because she usually needed a lot of heads up. Sam's hectic schedule didn't allow for that. Sam was a little guiltily thankful for that. He wasn't sure he could've handled the teasing when he brought his issue up to Jess.

"I don't get it. I should be happy that they're getting along," Sam said with a pout as he tossed a tennis ball against the garage wall. Jess's parents had cleared a hang out place in the corner for them to spend time if they wanted fresh air without having to open windows and mess with the A/C system.

"You're not mat at them or anything right?" Jess asked, curled up in her bean bag chair.

"What? Of course not," Sam exclaimed, "I'm honestly really good with it. Just. I dunno, it's weird and something in me doesn't like it."

"Okay, so, well, Cas is not exactly the social type right? I think your brother's the first person, outside of you, that he's gotten close to I guess. He doesn't even talk to _us _that much at lunch."

"I guess."

Jess sat up straight and caught the stray tennis ball as it missed its mark. "Well, the guy's been like your shadow for a few months now. And hey, take it as a compliment. Cas is branching out probably with a lot of help thanks to you. There's just something about you Winchester's that makes people want to get close to you, and you make them feel better." Sam was too busy staring at the wall and thinking of Cas to notice the blush that spread across her cheeks and tinted her ears.

"I suppose. I dunno. I Just, argh. You're right. I guess I just feel a little left out," he sighed, running both of his hands through his already messy hair.

Jess' smile held a droplet of disappointment. She'd hoped that maybe Sam would've caught her hint at herself too but Sam's brain was all for that blue eye wonder boy. "Well then, why don't you plan a day or something where you guys do something you two like, that Dean doesn't?"

"That sounds a little insecure."

"I guess it does," Jess replied tilting her head down.

This time Sam noticed.

"Hey, it was a good suggestion. Very crafty," Sam said with a smile as he leaned over and lifted her head up with his hands. "I'll plan something out tho', that we can geek out about. Or I'll take him somewhere new or something. Dean doesn't hang out that much anyway when you really think about it. I think we've just been thrown together into close situations lately. I'm reading too much into this.

"I don't know, but you should that. He's a sweet kid."

"Isn't he?"

Jess could only nod as Sam went on praising him.

After his little night with her Sam felt pretty goo about his relationship... and maybe crush (although he was still vehemently fighting that notion) in relation to Cas. That small little bubble lasted for a few days until Cas started acting strangely. His friend had opted not to ride home with them one evening, the reason given had felt like an excuse to Sam but he was going to trust Cas. The next day went well enough, except he felt an odd distance between them. Every time he tried to get closer to Cas the other boy seemed to try and edge himself away with a smile. It wasn't anything he would've noticed if he hadn't been obsessing about their relationship for the past few weeks.

It wasn't until a rather direct confrontation in the cafeteria that he got clued in. He'd been trying to figure out why Cas was so gloomy and distant. Sam had draped his arm across his friend's shoulder and pulled him close s they were walking, concerned eyes fixated on the mop of dark hair because Cas was staring at the floor. Cas did this thing where he wouldn't look up at you when he was 'hiding' something. Cas was very well aware that his eyes always betrayed him.

The buzz that led up to the cafeteria confrontation started with a few snickers. Sam had looked up at a group of people they'd walked past. He didn't really care much about the comments being tossed their way as they walked. He could care less about whether it was being girly, or overly affectionate, or not masculine enough for the other people in the school the way they hung out and how Sam took care of him. Or how they walked down the damn hallway. Sam always just put it to other people's insecurities that they didn't feel comfortable being physically close to their friends, or just being able to grab their hand and not feel ashamed tugging them through the hall. The way that Cas went rigid under his arm made him gain a whole new irritation at the behavior of others. He battled with himself if he should let go of Cas just for his sake, but as they left the hallway and the snickers died down; Cas relaxed.

They'd made it all the way through to the lunch line, trays in hand, with nothing but whispers. And then Cas tripped. He'd missed a step and began to fly forwards. Sam easily balanced his tray in one hand and caught his friend into his own body, angling his knee gently so that Cas's food tray would be held relatively high to prevent it from toppling over too.

The scene was followed by a small chorus of laughs, followed by a loud, "Aaaw. Look at Prince Charming with his little princess."

Sam would've replied to the douchebag sitting two tables away from them but he was stopped by a roll flying across the few feet. It hit the guy squarely in the nose. Sam glanced back behind him to see Ruby missing hers from the plate. Her eyes were locked with the other guy's and a grin broke out on Sam's face as the other boy visibly retreated into himself. Not that he could blame the guy. Ruby was pretty scary when she wanted to be.

"Usually I don't approve of that behavior but what he did was uncalled for," Jess said as she tore her own roll in half, offering the other half to Ruby. They had an odd moment where things were awkward for both of them before she took it. Defending Sam's honor was at least something they could both agree on. And Cas' too of course. But mainly Sam's.

Sam laughed as he sat down. "Glad to know we've got our own hit squad," he joked with a friendly poke at the ribs towards Cas. He was the only one that didn't laugh. And for good reason.

Sam didn't know that he was being used as a threat towards his best friend. He didn't know about Meg's little venomous whispers to Cas. He didn't know about the empty pit in cas's stomach as he stood next to him, realizing that she'd meant business.

The subtle teasing continued throughout the entire day and Sam couldn't help but get angrier and angrier. By the time they crawled into Dean's car he was fuming and ranting.

"It's so stupid!" he yelled out with a frustrated groan. "It's like they're five and have nothing better to do than make, make- I don't even know anymore!"

Dean only laughs a little. As far as he can tell there's no serious harm being done to his brother, and Cas included nowadays, and he could live with that. "Oh come on Samantha," Dean says as he listens to his brother's rant. "You do have those sparkling eyes and flowing locks." Sam hits him. "Hey now. I'm just saying, maybe if you two didn't cling to each other like a pair of old ladies and tossed around a football once in awhile you might not be getting this shit."

"Dean! That's not the point," Sam huffs. He glanced at Cas in the back stea who seemed to have shrunk a little during the conversation. He watched Cas sink further into the seat as Dean went into the merits of manly straight behavior. Cas only mumbled a good bye as he got out of the car. As they drove off Sam gave Dean a stern look.

"I think you offended Cas."

"What?" Dean said confused. "The hell did I do!?" he asked as he exited the street.

"You know there's nothing wrong with being gay right? 'Cause it kinda sounded like you were ragging on it," Sam said after a pause of figuring out what word choice to use.

"What? Come on Sam. You know I'm not like that."

"Uhuh."

"Seriously, dude. What some guy sticks his dick into doesn't matter to me. What's this have to do with Cas anyway?"

Sam gave a short glare and shrugged, "I dunno. He hasn't been very happy about the stuff at school all day and then you had to open your mouth. Just seemed like it got to him personally." Sam wasn't about to let himself fantasize that his little crush was also interested in men, although in his opinion the evidence was piling up. Dean only made a small 'hm' sound but was quiet for the rest of the drive.

Cas sighed and leaned against the door as he heard the Impala rumble off. He closed his eyes and let his face drop completely. Yes, he had been aware of the developing feelings for the eldest Winchester, yes he had been aware that Dean was straight, and yes he had been aware that the few graphic thoughts that had floated through his mind would never come true. What he had never really considered was that Dean might not be... well. Cas took in a deep breath trying to push aside some of the comments Dean had made during the drive out of his mind. It didn't matter, he told himself. This would just help him push the fantasies out of his mind.

Despite his brain's constant hammering he couldn't erase the small tightness in his chest as he peeled potatoes for dinner. Every so often he would pause and just stare at the sink for a little it. It was best that he put away the thought of Dean pushing him slowly against the car, leg sliding between his. It was best that he put away the imaginary days of being invited to sit next to Dean, curled up against his side to watch a football game that ended with wandering hands. Maybe this way his skin would stop tingling whenever the older Winchester happened to hover over his shoulder to reach something Cas was standing in front of.

He dropped the potatoes in the boiling pot., ignoring the splash of hot water that made a leap for freedom out of it.

Cas squared his shoulders and took a deep breath. He'd just have to find something else to fill his mind with. His mind toyed with a few people for the rest of the night. Strangers, some of the guys from the athletic teams he'd seen around, he even tried to imagine a few rather beautiful women to give a shot at Dean's straightness but nothing. To his horror a few teachers danced across his mind and even though his body finally responded he shoved them away violently. Some of them were more than 25 years his senior. He couldn't help but feel a little skeeved with himself, especially when those thoughts decided to come running back to him while his father was with him.

"Eager tonight, aren't we?" Lucifer had muttered with a pleased hum.

Cas immediately started to imagine his elderly female professors naked. He need more female professors in his life.

Thankfully the moment with his father didn't last long.

He curled up and nudged his face closer to the edge where Dean's sweater lay and drew his blanket over his head. Despite his best efforts to shove Dean out, after all he didn't seem to be the biggest cheerleader of the gay male community, he ended up reaching for the sweater. Cas took in a deep breath and only frowned a little as he realized it was losing its homely scent that Dean carried wherever he went.

It was staring to smell like his house.

'Perfect timing,' Cas thought bitterly as he fell asleep.

These thoughts hung over his head like a cloud so thick that for a little he could even ignore the jabs thrown his way at school. Maybe if he'd been more outside of his own head he would've noticed the deterring effect not reacting had on his tormentors. The only time the mood shifted was due to embarrassment. After Mrs. Alexandra's little stint with her sickness she'd returned for about a month before taking another larger leave of absence. They weren't sure what was wrong with her but she had decided to a month off for testing and rest, after all she had an unborn baby to worry about. Cas only vaguely concerned when it was announced because it meant that the rather attractive substitute teacher would be staying for a much longer time. Sam had noticed the light panic in class and leaned over, "Don't worry I'm sure she's fine" misunderstanding where Cas's concern lay. Cas nodded and swallowed. If only Sam knew.

Of course the stone rolling down the hill didn't stop there. Their teacher and their substitute, Jacob Carol (he'd finally remembered the name), had decided that because she would be unable to properly help them on their second ongoing assignment to make a new one. About family.

"... so she thought It would be a fun idea for you guys to write a little essay. 3-4 pages long about what it means to be a family, since she's expecting her own little one here in a few months. She also asks me to pass along to make them really good. Who knows she might even take a few tips from you guys," Mr. Carol said with a wink as a trickle of chuckles followed and a few feminine voices swooned. "It'll count for a test grade so for those of you who are only a few points below a C, getting an A on this will bump you back up to passing easy."

"This should be easy," Sam agreed as he glanced over the rubric being passed out.

"Easy.. yeah," Cas muttered staring out at his own rubric.

"You can't be worried about this? You're one of the best writer's I've ever met," Sam said noticing his expression.

"Oh, I'm not. I would just," he paused struggling to find something to say, "prefer something that exercised a more creative approach than what essentially would amount to a biography."

"Creative, right," Sam repeated and continued to stare. "Hey, is everything okay?" Sam had a sneaking suspicion that maybe Cas was still bummed out about the conversation in the car but hadn't quite yet found an eloquent way to bring it up.

"Everything is as usual," Cas replied in monotone.

"If there's something wrong, you'd tell me rght?" Sam insisted unconvinced.

"Of course Sam, you're my best friend."

Sam ignored the odd sinking in his heart at the 'best friend' comment and concentrated on instead that at least he was number one somewhere in Cas's life.

Cas's gloom didn't budge much until the last day of the week when Sam had to nudge him out of his thoughts as the entire class began to file out of the classroom.

"What?" he asked, confused and looking around.

Sam raised an eyebrow and frowned a little, "You sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine Sam, thank you for your concern," he replied standing up, "I've just been unusually tired."

Sam nodded but didn't seem convinced, "Okay, well. Let's go, we're getting left behind."

"Left behind for what?" Cas asked confused as he followed Sam closely out of the classroom.

"They're doing that fitness day thing today remember? That 'pro-health' thing the city council just pushed through?"

"Oh."

Even if he hadn't been so preoccupied for the past few days he doubted that he would've remembered. Sports weren't exactly his favorite thing, well, at least he thought they weren't He hadn't exactly been enrolled in many throughout his life.

They were doing it in groups of classes and hallways. They'd split the entire day up into little sections and would be slowly moving through the indoor gym to the field outside and then cycling them back into their classrooms. Cas thought it was a rather stupid system and their principal was lucky they had a relatively small student population. Cas stuck close to Sam as they got dressed in the locker rooms, feeling extremely exposed. His ind wandered to Dean as he slid on a pair of sweats. It seemed that there was nowhere that he could hide without his brain relating it to Dean.

"I still need to give your gym clothes back," Cas said suddenly.

"Huh?"

"The ones Dean lent me, that he borrowed from you. I've yet to returnt hem," Cas explained as he put the lock back onto his locker.

"Oh, that. Don't worry about it. Dad's kinda obsessed about us staying fit so he got us several spares," Sam said and made a face, "I tried to get out of P.E. Once to hang out in the library when I was in middle school with the excuse of having lost so he buys like 3 pairs now."

Cas smiled. That did seem like something Mr. Winchester would do.

"Ready?" Sam asked clapping Cas on the back. The smile dipped away.

"Not particularly."

To their luck Sam and Cas has been placed into the same group for every event that they were going to be participating in. All the better for Cas. He was starting to get jumpy from being around so many people and anytime someone walked and brushed by him where he couldn't see he twitched and jumped a little. He didn't trust most people to begin with and the bullying hadn't made him any friendlier to crowds. His only silver lining was that Sam was there with him, and he was praying that no one would try anything as long as he was.

Of course that didn't mean that when the games began things would be peaceful. The first event they were forced into was dodge ball. Cas's heart sank as he looked t the members of the opposing team. Roy was grinning at him, tossing one of the balls in the air with one hand, and catching it before bringing it to settle on the center line. Cas had been put into the first group to play. Sam gave him a mournful look from the sidelines. With a sigh he accepted his fate and as the whistle blew, only brought his hands up to cover his face. At least a quick and painful out saved him from further humilation. He did manage to smile a little as Roy's winning team wen against Sam's and he received a large red ball square in the groin. Cas hid the smile behind his hand as Sam pretended to look sorry, all wide eyed and concerned. He knew it would only make things worse in the future, but for that moment, it was nice to see a little payback.

Cas was of course right about the backlash to it. He just hadn't expected it to happen to Sam so quickly. They were crossing from the indoor gym after a few more activities to the outdoor field. Their circulation was soccer. They were crossing the small concrete road that trucks used to bring the food deliveries to school, when Sam suddenly flew forward. He hit the curb with his elbow and scraped his knee across the ground. It wasn't anything traumatic, just very sudden and it left both of them bewildered looking around. If Roy hadn't looked back at the from the crowd they'd been immersed in Cas would've even let himself believe that it had been an accident. He crouched down next to Sam, slightly panicked, and slowly growing angry. It was an unfamiliar emotion for him.

"Sam, are you okay?" he asked hovering over his friend.

"Yeah, fuckin'" Sam cursed. His entire knee had been scraped open, the road near the sidewalk had been starting to crumble into gravel and he'd scraped through it. He'd have a nasty bruise in a few hours, he thought a he picked out small bits of rock from his knee. He looked at his elbow which thankfully wasn't scraped up but was also going to bruise.

"Ill go get a teacher," Cas said and raced towards the nearest person he could find. His agitation increased that no one had stuck around to make sure all the students even made it to the field. He attempted to follow the teacher back to Sam but the teacher only waved him back towards the field.

Cas stood awkwardly in the furthers corner of the field, waiting for everything to start. His eyes anxiously danced around Sam as the teacher examined him.

"OH no, did something happen to Sammy?" a voice said into his ear.

Cas twitched and his breath hitched as his flight response kicked in. He turned around and got a face full of Roy's smug, grinning face.

"Guy should really watch himself," Roy said with a deep sign and an exaggerated frown. "He really should be more careful, before something worse happens." And with that he practically sauntered off with a laugh, joining his friends who were all smirking and staring in his direction.

A few silent moments passed as groups were being assigned. Cas's vision was shaking but zeroed in at the same time and he couldn't figure out why. He looked down and noticed in silent awe that his fists were clenched and it was his arms that were shaking. He licked his lips and tried to identify the warm heat in his chest, so very different from anything he'd experienced before. A part of it tasted like the same protective instinct he had for his brother, the other parts were something spicier.

'I'm... furious,' Cas thought surprised.

This shock carried him onto the soccer field where a quarter was flipped to see which team began. He stood there, dumbstruck as other kids around him began running.

And then it took one look at Roy's smug face, the ball rolling accidentally to his feet, and an automatic reaction fueled by anger for Cas's leg to kick out. He watched, his mouth dropping a little further with each second as it sailed the distance between them and floored Roy to the ground. A large, angry red mark spreading across his face.

There as a small moment of silence before a teacher ran to the field where he was lying on the ground groaning and whining. A second later there was laughter from the sidelines. Cas could only try and make himself as small as possible, mortified. The only thing that made it better was a 'whoo' of joy that sounded like Sam's voice. But he wasn't going to look.

Sam had been placed on one of the benches and had been watching the game for about 10 minutes, wondering why Cas had been just standing there. He'd only paused momentarily to turn around a the noise coming from the walkway that led to their modest football stadium. It looked like one of the senior groups that had just been released from the mock field day activities. Sam kept one eye out of his brother as the groups rushed to the water fountains that were located in the weight and pool room, which was was next to the soccer field. Cas still hadn't budged and Sam was starting to get nervous. He felt someone approach and looked up to see his brother.

"What's up short stuff?" he said breathing heavily, shirt soaked in sweat.

"I won't always be, you know," Sam grumbled back.

Before he could keep going Dean interrupted, "Dude, what the hell happened to your knee?"

"I fell," Sam replied simply. Telling him about Roy's bullcrap would just enrage his brother and this wasn't the time and place for that. If at all. He could take care of himself. He wasn't a kid. "Cas is playing. Well, standing."

Dean looked up at the field confused. "... yeah he is. What is he doing?"

Sam shrugged and then they watched the damndest thing happen.

The kick took about 5 seconds from lift off to the connect. The silence two seconds. And then the laughter broke out. Dean's hand was resting heavily on Sam's shoulder as he laughed and Sam let out a cheer.

"Oh my god, that was beautiful! I'm glad I stopped by to say," Dean said in between chuckles. "Kid has good aim," he added impressed.

"I honestly don't think he was aiming," Sam replied equally in awe.

Dean heard his teacher calling his name for them to reassemble, and let himself stare a little longer at Cas slowly becoming a ball of flustered arm motions and a red face. "Well, your better half's got quite a leg on him."

"He's not my-" before Sam could finish protesting Cas had managed to be excuse for the rest of the game. He didn't look up until he was by Sam's side, only then did he notice two pairs of feet instead of just one.

"Oh, hello Dean," Cas said glancing up, ears red. His heart hammered from embarrassment with an extra shot of hormones. Dean's hair was ruffled all over the place, well as much hair as there was to ruffle, shirt clinging tightly to his chest. He forced himself to stare directly into Dean's eyes, seemed safer than letting them wander. He wasn't sure if he could hide the admiration in them.

"Hey there champ, quite a kick there," Dean said as he heard his teacher call his name again. He placed a warm hand on Cas' shoulder. "Keep it up and rub some of that off on Sam and we'll make men out of you yet," he teased with a playful wink as he walked off and disappeared amongst his friends.

As they watched him walk off all of Cas' issues avalanched back Sam made a mental note to have another talk with his brother, as he glanced at Cas.

They hadn't been the only ones watching Dean.

"Don't you look gloomy," a voice purred into the watcher's ear, sliding her arms around his shoulders.

Dirk jumped, spooked, and turned to glare at Meg. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

Meg grinned and leaned in closer, staring at Dean in the midst of the crowd. "Right, what why you're standing all the way over here away from all of your boys trying not to get a crotch rocket."

Dirk scowled at her and considered retracting his usual policy not to hit women.

"Don't worry, it's okay. It's those eyes isn't it? So distracting I bet you didn't even notice your little brother dropping to the ground like a fly," she smirked.

"What? He," his head snapped to the soccer field and he noticed his brother was no longer on it, but sitting on a bench on the other side of the field, holding his head. "The fuck?"

Meg chuckled and scooted closer to him, wrapping one arm around his and giving a breathy sigh, "I know another little doll with gorgeous eyes who might've had something to do with it. A little angel that Dean seems to like very much."

"That little faggot," Disk hissed out, eyes zeroing in on Cas.

"Now now, there's no need for name calling," she purred, glee dripping from her voice. "Well, this was lovely, but I'm sure my teacher's wondering where I am right now."

Dirk turned his head towards her, eyes still locked in a glare, "Why are you here anyway?"

"Oh, a little birdie told me my favorite boy was playing. Thought I'd skip out a little to come watch, and boy was it worth it. I'll see you around, hot stuff. And say hi to your brother for me, will ya? Hope he feels better," she added as she sauntered back into the building.

The senior stood, watching her go, his mind turning. He needed to get all the anger out. He pulled out his phone and sent out a text to a few of his friends. His face broke into a nasty grin as he read the replies.

They waited out most of the day and then cornered Cas in the bathroom. He was just washing his hands off when they came in. All of Cas's muscles tensed as he tried to make himself as small as possible. Maybe they wouldn't notice him.

"Well, well, look who it is."

Cas tried to struggle his way out of the situation as one of the boys grabbed his head and shoved it into the sink, turning the water on full blast. He tried to spit out the water as it tried to rush past his lips, trying to use his hands to lift him from the sink but didn't do too much.

They were too strong for him.

His only saving grace was the bell ringing.

"Fuck."

"This isn't over."

Cas pushed himself up from the sink, clothes dripping wet from the water that had splashed on them. He had a bruise developing across his forehead where it had originally collided with the sink. His stomach knotted as he thought to himself that he should've been smart enough to start carrying extra clothing with him. The pit in his stomach grew as he examined himself in the mirror. He made a sorry sight. The bruise had ripped skin enough to cause a small swelling of blood to sit across it. Cas knew he could've called either Sam or Dean to help but he'd received enough help for them, and he wasn't about to let them get pulled more into his own troubles. He comforted himself with the notion that maybe Sam would be left alone since he'd endured this. He couldn't pull them more into, he just couldn't. Cas ran a nervous hand through his wet hair and took a deep shaky breath, meeting his own eyes in the mirror. They were bright and glistening.

His only other option was his father.

Breathing deep he made the choice to walk to the nurses office where after several minutes of fussing he told them that he had slipped and fallen in the showers trying to retrieve a watch he'd left in the gym. Because of the field day. They called his father and after a brief bit of pleading managed to convince his father that he was well enough to walk home even though he was supposed to be picked up. He was praying to get changed and home before anyone noticed, even if the walk would be miserable, which seemed to fit the rest of his mood just fine. A little voice in his head said he deserved to walk home alone.

His body ached from the strain of fighting as he made his way home, relieved to be able to lock at least one door between him and the world. He fell asleep and couldn't even register his alarm going off to begin preparing dinner. Cas woke up to his father's gentle hand across his forehead. His eyes flew open in alarm, how could he have fallen asleep?

"Shh, it's all right," Lucifer whispered, a troubled expression on his face as Cas tried to regain full consciousness.

"I'm sorry," Cas whispered curling up.

"It's all right, I'll make dinner tonight," Lucifer said standing up. Before his father left the room he turned back with a concerned gaze, or one that Cas believed to be concern. "You need to be more careful."

The rest of the night went eerily gentle, without anything but an odd gaze from his father and a little session with the first aid kit for his bruise.

**A/N: Officially mid-point of the entire story, well, not really. I don't think the rising and falling action are going to be equal in stuffs. Anyway my eta pointed out some things that pinged in her head and don't worry if some scenes ping you with a '?' there's more of it to come. We're about to tie together a lot of loose ends. As well as get a firm time line. A lot of characters are about to come back. The next chapter will either be back to being in shorter length or ridiculously long. We shall see. **


	8. This Is Not A Victory March

**A/N: Re-written November 22nd 2012 **

**Chapter 8: This Is Not A Victory March **

Cas woke up the next morning to the smell of eggs and sausages. His body automatically relaxed into the smell before his brain caught up with him in his morning confusion. Sitting up slowly, he looked around the room to remind himself that this was in fact his own home.

Then who was cooking?

He glanced at the clock at the bed side table, the alarm had been turned off.

He hadn't missed school yet but he'd slept in an extra 45 minutes. Baffled, he slowly made his way out of his room, shuffling with his long pant legs tucked under his feet so they didn't get cold. Cas had to rub at his eyes three time before he believed what he was seeing in the kitchen.

Lucifer was in the kitchen, back turned towards him, cooking. Breakfast. Not at work.

"Dad?" Cas asked shuffling closer.

"Oh, you're up," Lucifer said with a small slur to his words.

Cas nodded, confused, and as he stepped closer to the dinner table his father came up to cradle him, running a hand through his hair. Then he smelt it. Alcohol, sharp and invading. Panic swelled up inside of him. It wasn't like his father didn't have a glass of wine at dinner but the liquor hadn't been brought out in a long time, especially not in the mornings. His father missing work wasn't a good sign either.

"Is everything okay?" Cas asked as he tried to dislodge himself gently from the embrace, so as not to make him angry. Peering around the counter top he noticed a heavily dipped into bottle of skotch.

"Sit down," Lucifer said instead of answering, running his hand down Cas' cheek as he guided him to the chair. Obediently Cas followed the instructions despite being bewildered. His stomach felt like it was churning cement into concrete. Something was terribly off and he couldn't figure out how he was at fault yet. He waited in silence as his father half stumbled around their little kitchenette, tossing pepper and salt into the scrambled eggs and turning over the breakfast sausages. "Eat up," his father said putting a generous helping onto a plate and placing it in front of him.

Cas glanced at the stove and noticed there was no more left. His father had cooked _him _breakfast. Cas tried to calm down. He hadn't even had a chance to take his meds yet.

"Something wrong?"

Cas' head snapped up and he smiled, trying to appease the slightly darkened expression on his fathers face. "No, just, groggy," he replied with a smile and dug in. It was good.

Which was not good. Not good at all.

He ate his food as fast as he could as his father disappeared into the living room bathroom. He was on his last bite when Lucifer came back with the first aid kid. Cas had completely forgotten about his bruise in panic. He almost said something about not needing any more help but the shadows behind his father's eyes kept him quiet as those big hands wiped his small cut clean again. His father applied the ointment that was supposed to reduce swelling and color as well as keep it clean. Cas had to admit the cooling effect helped.

"I want to keep you home today," Lucifer finally said, brushing Cas's hair from his eyes.

Every muscle in his entire body seemed to clamp up and seize at the same time.

No.

He took a deep breath through his half opened mouth and held it. Gathering all the courage he could muster, he shifted his eyes briefly to his father's and failing to retain eye contact as he'd hoped, "I can't miss school dad. We've got big grades coming up."

His father frowned and ran his hand down from the strand of hair to his cheek and across his lips. "Why? Why would you want to go to a place that leaves you with such ugly blemishes," he leaned in closer, "you could stay safe. Right at home. With your dad. Don't you want to be safe?"

Cas' mind raced, trying to find a single word to cling to. "We have important things to turn in, but I'll be home right after. Of course I want to stay safe."

To his relief Lucifer pulled back a little but still held a frown. "I can't drive you."

"That's all right, I can take the bus if I get dressed right now," Cas babbled.

His father had obviously drank more than Cas at first suspected because Luficer's gaze began to wander a little as he nodded. "I'm picking you up from school, be read at the gate." Before Cas could just nod and bold back to his room Lucifer reached out and grabbed his wrist tightly. They locked eyes for a second, as well as they could, and a dark rage crept up behind his father's eyes. "Don't let that beautiful skin get hurt again."

As Cas shuffled to his room he had to wonder if that darkness was directed at him or the guys that had done it to him. He really hoped that by choosing school he hadn't signed himself up for a rougher patch ahead. It wasn't often he got bruises from others but was well aware that his father did not like seeing marks on his skin. A few years ago he'd run into a troubled teen in a bathroom who'd given him a few tips for handling pain. His father had yanked him from school for a month and threatened to go after his brother if he ever did it again.

He'd made it downstairs and to the bus stop without seeing his father again, but as the bus pulled up he wondered if maybe staying home would've been the lesser evil in the long run.

The bus ride had been horror enough but to add to it he was yanked from his first period class down to the principal's office. He usually didn't like being hazy or heavily medicated but was starting to feel like he should've taken a double dose that morning. It turned out that his father had called the school demanding that something be done about his son being attacked. Lucifer held enough weight with the adults in the community that it was taken seriously. Cas spent the entire first period arguing that it was an accident and that no one else had been involved. He'd simply slipped and fallen and his head had collided with the sink. If things were this bad already, he couldn't imagine the wrath being brought down on him if officials became involved.

Cas shuffled out of the office with his head hung low and nearly collided into a woman on his way out. If he'd looked up his fear might've taken a flying leap off a clip, taking him with it.

Meg watched him sulk off and out of the office. She paused to think to herself. On one hand she would have to find a way to punish Dirk and his friends for doing actual damage to her favorite boy, but she couldn't exactly let off of Cas either. One way or another she would corner Cas to the point that Meg would be the only way out, she'd just have to refine her attacks and educate Dirk and his friends on subtlety. She stepped into the office after knocking gently, squaring her shoulders and widening her eyes a fraction.

"Come in."

She stepped in and closed the door behind her.

"Yes?"

"Meg Masters," she said and sat down in the chair, "the counselor told me that I may have some relevant information to something that the school is investigating." Of course she it was it was a fact. She'd noticed Cas being escorted through the hallway and listened to the idle chatter between him and the teacher on what exactly would be discussed. If Cas' father had called there were very few ways this could end. She'd also heard a few words thrown around about 'getting to the bottom' of something. Now Meg was a clever girl if nothing else and had immediately connected it to the bathroom incident. She was a shark in bloodied waters when it came to seizing opportunities. She made a play out of feeling terribly upset about something and that she would need to talk to a counselor. She'd waited patiently until she'd been pulled into an office where she made a very colorfully touching case about her heartbreak. She just had to tell an adult. There was no way she could continue watching this poor, young, blue eyed boy being abused by other classmates. And right on the money the counselor immediately called the principal.

"I think I can help," Meg said trying to make herself look as nervous and uncomfortable as possible.

The principal leaned forward after reading the note she'd acquired from the counselor, "I see. The boy was just in here. He claims nothing happened."

Meg made herself seem sadly surprised, "Oh. I suppose that makes sense," she let her eyes glaze a little and dropped her expression to her hands in her lap, "I shouldn't be surprised. These... boys," she looked around the room for a little, "they're very vicious. I'm sure they've threatened.. repercussions if he tells anyone."

"And who would these boys be?"

She made herself squirm a little more in her seat. "I'm not sure I should say... they might come after me. They're a really scare group."

The principal leaned across the desk and attempted to give a reassuring look, "We can leave you anonymous if that is your concern unless charges are brought up. Although we may have to pull you in again for a confirmation of identity through school pictures."

"Oh, thank you. I know it's selfish of me to be worried about myself when someone else is being hurt."

"Nonsense, thank you for coming forward. You are a brave, young woman."

Meg smiled and then tilted her head down to hide her smirk as she wrote on a little notepad the names of Dirk and his friends. She took extra time to write them down so she could enjoy her grin. Oh this was going to be fun, she told herself as she handed the list over. Meg spent the rest of the day with a warm glow in her stomach, even daring to join the little rag tag bunch for lunch. Ruby waved at her and she sauntered over, sliding snugly in next to her, ignoring the glares from the others. Meg flashed Cas her best grin and judging by the way he shrank back and tried to appear polite meant he hadn't shared any of their little arrangements with the others. Good. This made it so much easier.

"Where've you been?" Ruby asked as she bit into a burger.

"Around," Meg replied stealing a fry from her tray and dipping it in the ketchup. "Was feeling a little lonely so I decided to come by," she winked at Cas.

A part of her was humored by the way Sam inched in closer to Cas, almost pushing him behind him a little. As if there was a way to protect him from her. Meg had to admit, Sam was pretty intuitive when it came down to it. But intimidation was no way to move her plans forward, so instead she straddled the bench and turned her attention to Ruby. She made sure the conversation they held was light enough so that she could eavesdrop the conversation going on next to her.

"Why aren't you coming home with us gain?" Sam complained, pouting deeply. "You're not mad at us or anything are you? You kinda disappeared and then-"

"Oh no, never," Cas replied, reaching over and touching Sam's shoulder gently. They did a lot of that.

"Then what's up?"

"My father. He's insisting," Cas said withdrawing his hand and gently lifting it to point and the bandage covering the small cut, "Because of this."

Sam's expression darkened as Cas pointed out the bruise. He'd been furious once he'd figured out why Cas hadn't ridden home with them. Sure they'd gotten a note from Cas later that day (because the office was awful at getting news anywhere on time), but nothing had been explained about the situation until he'd seen Cas that day in English. Sam was nearly pulled aside by how unruly he'd spent the rest of the class period. He'd fumed silently until lunch and had manged to calm down for a bit until the anger sparked back up again.

"Cas, you have to tell an adult or teacher," Sam insisted, torn between flipping the table and b-lining it to finding the douchebags, or gathering Cas up in his now much bigger arms (he'd had a growth spurt he hadn't noticed until the past few days that made him super aware of his size compared to others) and never letting go.

"I don't think that's necessary. Besides, Dirk is leaving this year," Cas responded stubbornly and turning to finish his pile of peas.

Meg felt an opening, "Is that how that happened?" She gave her most buttered smile, "Sam's right. This is a serious problem. You should tell someone. Enough people chime in I'm sure something can be done."

Sam looked shocked but Meg felt a small flutter of satisfaction as she saw a small +1 Meg slot slide into Sam's assessment of her. It couldn't have been more perfect. So perfect that when she made it home she helped herself to her parents liquor cabinet. Not that anyone would be home to stop her. She poured herself a hefty glass. Meg drew herself a bath, popped open the window and let herself settle in with her glass as he called up Dirk. His angry hello just made her smile.

"What's wrong?"

"_Some fucker got us called into the damn office of that little-"_

"Now now, we talked about name calling," she purred and then reigned her voice into confusion, "now what's this about the office?"

"_Castiel, that little fucker," _he spat his name out like rot on his tongue, _"he went crying to his dad who called the damn office and someone friggin' snitched." _

Meg paused him there, "Someone? I think we all know who it obviously was."

"_What? He wouldn't have the spine to-"_

"That's _exactly _my point. He went to his dad, and then the school knows? I bet he feels really protected right now. If he's going to go cry to one adult then-" she left the rest of her sentence hanging in the air. There was a pause on the other line before she heard him take in a deep, angry breath.

"_I'll fucking kill him! I'll-" _

"No you won't," she took a sip of her brandy and played with the bubbles in her bath tub. "They'll be looking for that. No, we do it my way."

"_Your way?" _Meg swore she lost brain cells every time the boy talked.

"My way. Now, let's see if you can keep up. We can't get to him physically, but that's not the only way to pin someone to the wall. I happen to have heard of a friend around here who happens to have taken some pretty pictures of our favorite angel. And I also have a friend who might be able o do something fun with them, "she purred, stretching in the bath.

"_I don't get it." _

Meg huffed, you couldn't get good help anywhere. "I mean, you idiot. That Cas cares so very much about the Winchesters and those around him. With a little computer magic I'm sure these pictures could be turned into something... more interesting."

"_I dunno man, the Winchesters are-" _

"Not a problem we need to concern ourselves with. Just let mamma do the work and you try not to fuck up and draw attention to yourself." She snapped the phone shut and curled deeper into her bath. She held up the few pictures her friend had sent he as she'd plotted. It was really such a shame that Castiel hadn't taken an instant liking to her. Meg thumbed through the pictures she had of Dean and Cas hanging out by the car, Sam and Cas touching shoulders, then the three of them earlier in the school year walking out of the school. She thanked her absentee mother for giving her the gift of foresight as she thumbed through more of the earlier pictures.

The next morning Cas found himself staring at a crudely photoshopped images of him and Sam, and him and Dean, on other people's bodies, stuffed into his locker. He'd nearly cried in humiliation and hunched his shoulders, stuffing them back in and praying that no one else had received such media. Not even Sam could get him to open up during the rest of the day about what had been bothering him. He just couldn't tho'. Not about this. Of course he'd been cursed and blessed with one of the most caring best friends ever. One that had decided to drag his brother along after school to make sure he was all right.

He'd already spent the entire day in a mist of avoidance, not even sitting with his usual library friends where he retreated when the cafeteria became too much. He'd hoped to dart out quickly with enough time to rip up the images and trash them. He didn't want to leave them whole. Someone might see them and dig them out.

"Hey there Cas," Dean said easily, his eyes glancing over Cas' defensive shoulders as he froze at the sound. Due to the hunched posture he missed the 'you were right' look Dean gave Sam.

"Hello," Cas replied as he slammed his locker shut and tried to clutch the papers in his hand. "Good bye," he added swiftly as he tried to dodge past them.

"Woah there hot stuff," Dean said with a good natured laugh, placing a hand on Cas' shoulder to prevent him from moving further. He wasn't expecting Cas to twitch away from him so suddenly. They hadn't had any problems before that had earned him such a reaction. Maybe what Sam had said held some weight after all. He glanced at Sam who shrugged his shoulders and waved a hand to indicate that Dean should do something.

"Look, we're just worried Cas," Dean said and Cas had to look up at the warmth in his tone, "Sam's telling me you've been really... off today. And I gotta say, I agree." Sam chose to keep his mouth shut, staring at Cas and further convincing himself that this wasn't even non-medicated Cas issue.

"I did not sleep well," he replied stiffly and once again tried to move. Except, to his luck he tripped a little over one of his shoe laces and the papers ruffled out of his hands. He'd made a desperate grab for them but not before Sam managed to taken one. Cas's breath stopped and his chest clenched painfully, barbed wire curling around his ribs.

Sam's eyes were wide as he stared at the paper. He finally looked up, "Cas, what?"

He lowered his blue eyes and attempted to hold in a panicked sniffle, "I found them in my locker this morning."

Cas handed Sam the rest of the papers, there were four in total. He stared at the carpet as Sasm handed the images over to Dean. Cas looked up a little as Sam came forward to hug him.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Sam asked, eyes bright with worry.

"Because, I was," Cas muttered and paused. "It's shameful." He glanced to his side at Dean's sigh but refuse to look up into his eyes in fear of the disgust he knew he'd see. But he didn't even say anything. Sam released him enough to grab the photos from the older Winchester and rip them to shreds, tossing them into the trash can.

He felt Dean move closer and finally that warm hand landed n his shoulder again. "Kiddo."

Cas tried to look up, but couldn't," I'm sorry you had to see that."

Dean laughed, "Me? Dude, don't worry about it."

Cas' eyes finally shot to Dean's, "It, it doesn't bother you?"

"No," Dean replied evenly. He took in a deep breath and removed his hand, Cas found he missed it sorely. "Just,"he paused running a hand through his short hair, a habit Cas noticed both of the Winchesters had. Dean rubbed the back of his head, Sam the front. He almost smiled. "Just don't let them get to you Cas, and you've always got us. Ya know." Cas had to smile then. It was so awkward and it warmed his heart to see Dean attempting a heart to heart. So unlike the obsessive masculinity he tried to broadcast. Cas turned to look at Sam gave him a small smile as well.

"Thank you Dean, I appreciate that," Cas replied as he re-adjusted his backpack. "I do, really."

"Yeah well," he shrugged, there was a small pause. "I'll have to get you into some martial arts classes or something so we don't have to worry about people picking on you anymore," Dean said concerned eyes on the bandage that would still remain for another day. "Samantha over here too, he's starting to get scrawny." The comment earned him a light kick from Sam but it was well meant.

It was just about perfect. Cas knew he was cared for and Dean still had his precious masculinity.

"You coming home with us?" Sam asked eagerly, ready to have him back in the car if everything was okay.

Cas' smile faded, "No. My father is expecting me."

"We could go talk to him, introduce ourselves so he knows you're safe with us," Sam added trying to find a way to convince him.

"No, no," Cas said quickly and then recovered a little, "that's not it. He just gets this way sometimes. I am sure once he sees that I've had no more incidents he will be more relaxed again."

"Fine, I see how it is. Don't wanna ride with us anymore," Dean teased with a mock sigh, "my baby not good enough for you anymore?"

Cas' eyes widened and his words tumbled out, "Oh no! Not at all, I do love that car. And I love riding with you two."

Dean laughed and ruffled Cas' hair, "It's a joke kiddo. A joke. You've been spending too much time away from us. Looks like that stick is back up your ass." Same gave him another brotherly punch on the shoulder as Dean turned to walk down the hallway, satisfied with his participation in the conversation.

Sam lingered for a moment longer, concerned. "You sure everything's okay?"

"Yes I'm sure," Cas replied, pulling Sam into a hug. Initiation of physical contact was always something that seemed to calm Sam down. "Thank you,, really."

For the first time in a few days he felt elated. Dean didn't ahte him, and maybe, didn't even have a problem with anything gay! His father hadn't even tried anything for the rest of the evening, only cooking them a meal, watching the news, and telling Cas to go to bed early. Cas didn't even have the energy to spend on feeling suspicions. He only assumed it was the massive hangover he was sure his father had been nursing for awhile. The glow even gave him a lovely moment strength and his father's hang over a moment of peace to pull out the hidden sweater and bring it to himself, grinning into it with a smile so warm that could melt glaciers.

He didn't get a chance to spend much more time with the Winchester during the next week. Which was a double edged sword for him. On the one hand, he missed them even more desperately now that everything had sunk back into an ocean of normalcy. On the other, with the lack of his father's more aggressive abuse his mind had taken to thinking a lot more about Dean. His dreams were the worst.

Worst, because now every time he walked past Dean, briefly he couldn't stop imagining how in his dream Dean had walked in on him in the school showers. How his mind had conjured up a Dean moving under the showers with him, fully clothed so that they outlined his toned body. The way that dream Dean had moved his hands to Cas' chin and tilted his head back, his lips parting slightly so that when they kissed it was the sweet taste of water and Dean's soft lips. The way he drank in a few sips from Dean's lips when the droplets pooled together between them. And then how Dean grabbed a bottle of shampoo after taking off his shirt and...

Yes.

The worst.

But when it came down to it he missed spending with in the Winchester home too. Desperately so. He was convinced that he would never see them again until they received an extra addition to their project in English. One that required excessive time out of class. Computer time.

"I'm not sure the library is open late enough for me to get this done," Cas said mournfully as he stared down at the paper in front of him.

"You should just come to our place," Sam suggested a little hopeful. They'd been carefully avoiding invitations because it just seemed to make Cas sad. So Sam was careful mentioning it now. But the bandage had come off of Cas' forehead a few days ago and he seemed to be feeling much better.

Sam was expecting immediate refusal but instead Cas considered it. "I don't have a computer at home. My father has one but it is very old. He mainly uses the one at the office..." If he played it right, he could probably convince his father to let him over. Worst case he was sure he could make a convincing argument for at least a meeting at the public library in the city. "I'll talk to him tonight."

When he brought it up to his father he was surprised at how little resistance to the idea he received. He was a little naturally concerned when his father clarified that it was Sam Winchester's home but he didn't inquire past that so it seemed safe.

"You can go with them after school, and eat there if they let you. I will be picking you up at 8," he said as he folded up the newspaper he had.

"Uhm, thanks dad," Cas said awkwardly, not sure what to do. His father hadn't done anything but gentle touches and wandering hands since he'd received the bruise, and well, he wasn't sure where to go from here. Whenever he received his few allowances there were generally steps to be followed. The decision wss made for him as his father walked into his own room and shut the door. Cas' curiosity left him slowly walking past it. His gut sank as he recognized the sounds coming from the speakers of the computer his father owned. He shuddered and moved into his own room. At least they were just memories, he was free of the reality for now.

And with those odd blessings Cs found himself once again in the back seat of the Impala. He'd almost even said hello to the car as Dean had a habit of doing, but instead just quietly slid in. The relief was short lived because of course as he settled more of his bothersome dreams decided to crawl into his brain. He tried to focus on what Sam was talking about next to him but all he could think of was how he'd dreamt of this smell. How he'd been in the front seat instead of the back, Sam had been gone for whatever reason. How Dean had stopped the car suddenly on the side of the road and reached over to drag him into a searing kiss, getting angry at the seat-belt for keeping Cas from him and nearly breaking it off in his hurry. He'd dreamt about how in this very Impala, Dean would've pushed his eat back and pulled him into his lap. How his own hands had shaken in the dream as he slid Dean's zipper down and-

"Cas?"

He turned to find Sam starting at him with a worried expression. He sent a thank you to whoever was watching over him that he'd had his bag clutched over his groin.

"Yes Sam?"

"You okay? You seem a little out of it."

"Of course. It's just," he paused formulating words, "been awhile since I have been out of the house. I'm just enjoying it. I apologize for not listening better."

Sam just smiled at him and then settled back in the seat, "Zone out all you want then, Cas. We're almost there tho' so enjoy it while you can. We gotta get work done if you have to be gone before 8."

Cas had just nodded and settled further into the seat, trying to press his backpacks plastic edges into his erection to make it disappear. This worked until he got into the Winchester household and Dean had offered up his computer for use. Cas would use Sa'ms laptop and Sam would use Dean's computer. Their father of course had one in his room but that would've been too awkward. The amount of progress Cas had made by the time dinner was called made him feel ashamed. Instead of concentrating on finding more of the literary elements in the chapters he'd spent his time looking around the room and trying to curl himself up in the way it smelled so uniquely like Dean. The posters of women, classic cars, and only a few bands he recognized from Dean's attempt to educate him. The one big window and the two bookshelves that had more empty space and car models than books. It didn't help that Sam had placed him on Dean's bed and Cas' poor brain couldn't quite handle the softness of the blanket and how he'd love to be curled up in it. He'd figured Dean for a rougher guy who didn't get his sheets fluffed and softened. He bet they had a high thread count as well. And while Sam went to he bathroom (Dean was watching a marathon on TV) he'd let himself drop down onto the bed, taking in a deep breath and nearly falling asleep as he waited for Sam. Zero productivity and way too many naked thoughts.

Worse, he knew it had to show whenever he was downstairs and alone with Dean. It was only about 7 when they'd finished eating and Sam had suggested a small break before they finished up. Which was fine with Cas, it was probably better if he didn't spend anymore time in Dean's room. What he hadn't counted on was that Dean would continue to stay with them downstairs and that every time he accidentally brushed against Dean, or when they were in the kitchen together, he'd startle and twitch and not be able to look at the boy. This went on for an agonizing hour before the Winchester phone ran and Lucifer informed them that he was about to come pick Castiel up.

"I'll go get my stuff," he said hastily as he went upstairs and back to Dean's room tog rab his bag. He thought he'd be able to make his quick getaway but when he walked back out Dean was in the hallway. The Winchesters were making a habit of foiling his escapes. Cas didn't know but Sam had noticed hiss twitching and decided that Dean hadn't been nice enough yet and that there were still some issues to resolve. And what Sam didn't know is that Dean sort of felt the same way, he was an easily likeable guy and didn't like misunderstandings to get in the way of shit.

"Hey Cas," he started.

"Dean?" Cas responded unable to maintain eye contact. 'Make this quick,' he prayed.

"Look, Sam's been riding my ass about this and I'd like him to shut up, so. You know. I don't have a problem with any of that gay shit, right. Sam said you might've gotten the wrong idea and shit and you know. Well. I really don't care, so you can stop jumping around me like I'm gonna deck you. I really don't mind it," he said awkwardly. Even to himself none of the words seemed to fit together right and he hadn't even really had an idea where was going with it when he'd opened his mouth.

Which maybe he should've clarified exactly what he meant. And maybe If Cas hadn't already been head over heels, that awkward mouth wouldn't have been shut with a press of quick, warm lips. Cas had taken the apology as an 'okay'. Dean had taken it as 'I'm not a biggot'. Somehow the middle ground had ended in a kiss.

"Cas! Your dad's here!"

Before Dean could react to what was going on, Cas had darted around him and down the stairs, ears bright red and nearly glowing. The older Winchester stood in the hallway as he stared down at the carpet.

"What the hell," he mumbled still shocked and ran a hand through his hair as he always did, and then brought it down to rub the heel of his palm over his eyes before shaking his head and walking into his room. Too much at the moment.

What neither boy realized was that John had stepped into Sam's room to check for hidden dishes that Sam sometimes brought up and had seen their little exchange. His brow furrowed together as he watched Dean shut the door firmly and made a mental note to call Castiel's father later.


	9. Mad Rush

**A/N: Re-written November 22nd 2012 **

**Chapter 9: Mad Rush**

John mulled over in his head the rest of the night, just what he was going to say to the other father. He didn't have a direct problem with it but the boy was 14 years old and well into puberty. And if he was gay he couldn't exactly keep leaving doors closed despite his personal assurance that his boys were straight. It didn't sit right with him. The next morning he woke up a little earlier than usual, before his sons woke up, and made the phone call. He drummed his fingers on the desk as he waited for the line to pick up.

"This is Lucifer Novak speaking, how can I help you," he heard the other man say over the phone.

"This is John Winchester, hello, we've spoken before."

"Ah, yes, our sons had a study date today."

"Yes, about that. There is something I think you might need to be aware of. Now nothing against the boy, Cas is a good, sweet kid. He's welcome over anytime. I'm just concerned. See, I caught him kissing my eldest son, Dean. They're not aware I did but I saw anyway. Now if you're son's gay there ain't nothing wrong with that, I had enough foxhole buddies that were and they bled for their brothers just the same. I'm not sure if you were aware of this or not, seeing as both of sons are male. I would ask the same of a girls parents if she was spending the night with my boys and hanging out. Rules change ya know?" John said, the whole thing having gone much more smoothly in his head.

"Oh. That. I had my suspicions but I was not sure until now. Thank you, Mr. Winchester," Lucifer's voice came over the phone, even and slick. "I will be sure to sit down and have a conversation with him about this issue."

"He's still welcome over at our house anytime, just maybe make him aware there may be some different rules in place. I figured it would be less awkward if you discussed it with your son first," John added wanting to clarify that he had no problems with the boy. It was just that this was a little important.

"Of course, of course. Truly, thank you for this. I'm just a little saddened that he didn't feel like he could share this part of his life with me. Have a good day, Mr. Winchester," Lucifer finished, waiting for the 'you too' before hanging up.

Just as Lucifer hung up, Cas had already made it out the door for school. He shook his head as a cold wave of air filled his chest and curled around the rest of his limbs. "Oh Cassie, Cassie, Cassie," he whispered to himself as he moved away from the phone, rubbing his thumb and forefinger over the bridge of his nose. When had he become so wild and out of control? He couldn't even trust him out of the house anymore. Lucifer shuddered thinking that his golden angel would turn into something like Uriel. He made his way to his bedroom and pulled a box from the shelf. He pulled from the box a tape labeled 'Cas 1' and put it into his TV which still had a built in VCR player. Next, he pulled out the pictures of him and his wife. He let the tape play on mute as he thumbed through the pictures. Everything was supposed to be so perfect. Uriel had never interested him as much, briefly thoughts here and there, the bastard from her previous marriage, and then he'd given birth to Cas. He knew he'd made the right choice to marry her then. She'd given him something of worth, just for him. Prettier and more gorgeous than any other boy or girl, and more gorgeous than his wife. He was happy Cas had inherited her dark hair and blue eyes.

And now it was ruined. What had happened to his good little boy?

He'd played a few more tapes, along with grabbing himself a few drinks from his favorite skotch, before he called the school asking for Cas. He told them it was a family emergency and he's going to be picking Cas up after lunch and for him to be ready to go by the entrance. Someone in their family was _very_, very sick.

Cas had been on cloud nine since the previous evening and that remained for quite some time. Dean's lips had been just as soft as he'd imagined them. And warm, very warm. He'd managed to dodge his father's advanced the evening before, claiming that he was extremely intent on the project. It was luck that Lucifer cared so much for academics. He'd even woken up in an especially good mood and made it out the door without having to interact with his father too much. Even Sam had commented on his unusually uplifted mood, not that Sam complaining. He'd considered briefly telling Sam but figured if his brother hadn't mentioned it then he wouldn't either. This feeling of course drained out of him when one of the office ladies handed him a note at the end of his math class. His father would be picking him up, it was an emergency. He was quiet and fidgety all throughout lunch, wondering what had happened. Cas' mind raced across anything he could've left out, something he might've misplaced at the house. Anything.

His father wasn't the type to pull him out of school in the middle of the day without good reason. Something had to be wrong.

He waved good bye to Sam and went to wait by the parent loop. From the moment he saw his father's car drive up his stomach began clenching itself into a tight knot. The closer the care came the more he wanted to throw up. Something was wrong, really wrong. He'd climbed into the car and attempted to ask what was wrong, but his father only held up his hand so silence him. Cas could feel his pulse in his ears as they drove to the house. Even the driveway seemed more haunted than usual.

Lucifer got out of the car first, not bothering to look back at Cas and headed straight for the door. Cas, of course, followed quickly on his heels. His father held the door open for him to go first and ushered him into the small, narrow hallway. Cas wasn't sure if it had always made him feel so claustrophobic before. The door slammed shut with a sharp bang and Cas felt himself being pushed towards their kitchenette. On the table was a gathering of pictures of his mother and baby pictures of him fresh out of the hospital.

Lucifer walked over to the bottle he'd opened earlier and took a few large swigs. Cas started wishing he'd never left school. Found some excuse to stay.

"What did I tell you about being discreet? Unnoticeable?"

Now Cas was confused, it helped ebb the fear a little. "I don't understand."

"You," he paused and shook his head. A sighing croak escaped him as his smile slid lucid, "dirty, little slut." His fingers played with the bottle like a glass of wine. "Kissing other boys. Making daddy feel unspecial."

Cas felt the world tug out from underneath him and the air left his lungs like he'd been punched.

Dean.

Dean had told.

Told...

"I received a very informative phone call from his father this morning," Lucifer said, moving around to stand next to Cas, his hand trailing around his son's neck. "Do you want to know what he said?"

"No," Cas squeaked out, feeling tears sting the back of his eyes.

"Of course you do." And without warning Cas was yanked out of the chair, Lucifer's grip tight in his hair as he was dragged to the bedroom. He stumbled in and stared at the bed. Cas turned his wide eyes towards his father.

"No."

Lucifer shoved him forward and he landed face first into Dean's hoodie that he'd found underneath Cas' pillow, and knelt over him. "Never. Again."

And Cas cried for the first time in a long while.

Lucifer got himself cleaned up afterwards and collected the hoodie and then the gym clothing he'd had Cas bring him after asking if there was anything else. He went to the bathroom and took a hair dryer to dry off the small patches of wetness where the spots he had to rub clean were still soaked.

"Stay here, won't you Cassie? Daddy's gonna be back in a little bit," he said as he arranged his hair. "I'm just returning these clothes where they belong."

Lucifer ruffles his sons hair and kissed him on the cheek before walking out of the room and closing the door softly behind him. He drove to the Winchesters, gently humming some of his favorite classical tunes. He parked in the street and grabbed the neatly folded clothes and went to the door. He knocked on it twice and waited. To his luck, John Winchester opened the door.

"Mr. Winchester, good to see you," Lucifer said, all smiles. "I apologize for not calling beforehand but today has been a long one."

John looked at a him a little confused before nodding, "I can imagine. Sam mentioned something about an emergency?"

Lucifer let his eyes drop," Oh yes. My sister, Anna, has taken very ill and we're having to take care of her. We went to visit her at the hospital."

"Oh, well. I hope she's all right," John said, genuinely concerned.

"We all hope so too," he said and then left the conversation hang in a polite pause before continuing. "But that's not why I'm here. I was looking for some clothes for Castiel and I found these," he held out the gym clothes. "They're your boys I believe. Castiel said they were kind enough to lend them to him awhile back but he hadn't had a chance to return them yet. He can be quite," he paused, "forgetful."

John reached forward and grabbed the clothes. "Right, thanks," he said with a nod.

"No, thank you. And I spoke to Castiel. He's terribly embarrassed. He'd prefer to talk to Dean on his own and asked if us adults could keep out of it," Lucifer smiled oily slick and bid his goodnight.

"Makes sense. They won't be boys forever, need to handle their own stuff," John responded and bid his own goodnight.

John shut the door and looked at the clothes a little confused. When he handed the boys the articles of clothing they went to bed just as clueless as him. Sam doesn't think much of it but Dean does. He doesn't spend the night thinking about it, that's what the early hours of the morning are for. When he's brooding and stuck in the car with a brother who won't stop staring at him.

He'd for the most part just ignored that the kiss had even happened. Except for those times that he couldn't, the memory crawling into his brain like a worm through an apple every time he wasn't focused. Dean liked the kid, sure, but not like that. This had never been on his to do list. He spent a good amount of time wondering how to let the kid down, or if this was even something they were supposed to talk about. Maybe they could both ignore it. Is what it meant that he got his hoodie back? He'd told Cas to keep it. Or maybe the kid was embarrassed or regretted it? It was too early for his brain to continue on anymore tangents he told himself; after Sam had made a girly yelp as they'd barely barreled through a yellow light.

"Dean!"

"Oh can it short stuff, it wasn't that bad," Dean muttered, suddenly grumpy.

"Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?" Sam shot back with that bitchy pout that guaranteed trouble.

"Nothing, okay, now drop it." As if Sam didn't know 'drop it' as Dean for 'there's a ton of shit wrong'.

The thing was, Dean could've maybe ignored that his behavior was affected by it and just chalk it up to his touchy-feely crap brother, but even Chuck and Ash had noticed. Worse, they commented on it as he shoveled down his mashed potatoes, peas and all.

"You know there was something green in that, right?" Ash said looking up from his chicken sandwhich.

"Huh?"

Ash pointed a finger towards the mess of a plate he'd made by fidgeting around with the food. He'd mixes some peas into his mashed potatoes. He cursed and wondered if there was a way he could regurgitate the peas.

"Everything all right, man?" Chuck asked from next to him.

"Yeah. Just friggin' fine," he mumbled, angry at the peas.

"Right. Because you're regularly PMSing all over the place," Ash said flippantly and went back to his food. Dean flipped him off and spent the rest of the day smiling and flirting with just about any girl who started with him. Even he realized he was overcompensating for normal behavior, and that was a little sad.

Even his work at the garage shifted a little. He'd dropped Sammy off and spent most of the day staring at the ceiling of a car he was trying to ding back into shape, instead of actually hammering at it. He knew he was distracted. He just didn't like the suspected reason why. Emotional shit was stupid, he decided. All he was going to tell the kid was, sorry no dice, end of subject, and Cas would get it 'cause he wasn't a girl like that. But the argument sounded weak even to him. The second day he almost shoved Sam out of the car for the stupid worried, puppy eyes he was giving him. A part of him knew that some of the worry behind those eyes was because of Cas. He hadn't shown back up to school yet, and that he could roll with. Although it wasn't best case he assured Sam that nothing bad was probably happening to him, just some trouble with the sick aunt. Needed family time. The part that made him want to shove Sam out of the car was the one that kept needling at his more silent than usual behavior.

Not seeing was was kind of a problem tho', he had to admit.

He'd been all prepared to just barrel in and say "shit happens" but now he'd been forced to have time to think. His mind did stupid shit when left on its own for awhile. He'd spent most of his time barely concentrating on the homework he had and instead had come to a -bucket of ice water- internalization that he'd never kissed a guy. He'd let himself laugh for a little about just how bizarre it was that the little nerdy twerp had gotten a Dean Winchester first. There weren't many left. And then he'd sobered himself back up from the giggles and shake his head at himself in the mirror, wondering how the hell his simple senior year plan had suddenly gotten extra clauses added to it. He just wanted to go to prom with some pretty, nice girl. Finish working at the garage. Graduate. Eat burgers and stay out late with his friends.

This was not in the plan. Wasn't even in the same language as the plan.

For a worrying second his mind went into 'romantic novel' mode after some sleep deprived late night search on 'how to give it to 'em easy'. Half of the links weren't helpful for jack shit. The line that bothered him went something along the lines of ,"If someone won't stop running through your mind, maybe they belong there." The quote had been covered with a hodge podge of hearts and bright flashing graphics that made Dean want to hurl his computer out of the window. It wouldn't stop blinking at him. The quote however, had given him a small scare before he finally managed to reel himself back in. No. He knew he wasn't attracted to Cas. It wasn't like he'd felt anything at all for the kiss. He cared about Cas, of course. He'd become like an extension of his little brother. Dean wasn't sure if he could say little brother on it's own yet for Cas, without having to take it back, but the kid was getting there. Dean wasn't the most eloquent speaker but he tried not to use words he'd have to take back. So yeah. He cared about the kid and that really was the problem. He'd trampled n a few hearts in his short few years of dating, but the situation was a little different this time. That, and it was his brother's best friend.

Fuck.

On the third day he really knew he had to get it together. He was wondering if he was maybe over-analyzing it too much. Maybe Cas had meant it as a peck on the cheek and missed? That was one of those weird affectionately girly things Cas probably did, not that he'd ever seen him do it. Dean had almost let a tire explode by pumping too much air into it. Bobby sent him home a little earlier that day with a warning to get his head straight before he got back. Dean couldn't even evade his family. John sternly asked what was wrong and Sam just stared at him with wide, focused eyes from the other side of the table.

He'd even almost managed to dodge Sam at the end of the night, but just as he was closing his door, a foot slipped in between and Sam pushed it open with a little bit more force than Dean had expected out of him. It also made him notice that Sam had grown significantly taller too.

"Dean."

"Samantha," Dean replied, trying to push the foot out of the door.

"We're talking."

"That's your opinion."

Sam sighed and gave a well angled shove at the door so that Dean had to step back a little. Seeing the determined look in his brother's eyes told him that he'd loose this argument. So he stepped back quickly and let go of the door to get himself at least some satisfaction. Sam came flying into the room, nearly face planting on the carpet but catching himself.

"Very funny, Dean."

"I thought so."

He sat down in his chair and Sam made himself a spot on Dean's bed.

"What do you want?" Dean asked with a sigh as he leaned on elbow against his desk.

"You've been weird. Like. Really weird. Even for you weird. I'm tired of running yellow lights," Sam said crossing his arms. Telling his brother he just cared and wanted to know about his well being wouldn't work. Putting himself on the line was always a great tactic. Logical reason to talk about feelings if not a little underhanded.

"Just some stuff, all right," Dean said not wanting to talk to his brother at all about his best friend. That had been another problem plaguing him. Should he tell Sam? Would Cas tell Sam? What the hell was the etiquette on this type of shit.

"Dean, I'm not stupid. It's important. I can tell."

He looked at his younger brother awhile before caving in. 17 and still unable to resist the puppy eyes. "Is Cas gay?" Blunt and straight forward. Best way to go.

"What?" Sam asked, eyes blown wide. That hadn't been on the long list of things he had expected to come out of his brother's mouth. It took him a few seconds to compile anything other than question marks into his vocabulary.

"Cas, is he gay?"

"I don't know, I don't think so. Why?" he asked a little quickly. Did Dean know? Was this his round about way of asking about Sam's weird situation feeling thing for him. Was there anything he'd been obvious about? But wouldn't Dean just ask him straight? It's not like he had a problem with it or anything.

"Well," Dean said and scratched his cheek. "He kissed me."

"What?!" came out of Sam with a squeak.

"Yeah, a few days ago. Right before all the hospital shit with the aunt," Dean admitted, running both of his hands back and forth through his hair, head bent.

Sam's mouth made silent open and closing movements as he tried to get his bearings. A part of him felt a growing sting. Jealousy, he thought again. Maybe heart break? He wouldn't know, he'd never felt it before. So instead he focuses on the neutral part. The confusion. Where had this come from? He hadn't thought there were any obvious indicators of Cas' interest. How could he have missed the signs? He'd had his suspicions about Cas in general, but his brother? Thousand of questions ran through his mind but the only thing that came out was, "Oh... what are you gonna do about it?"

"Fuck man, I dunno," Dean replied sounding shockingly genuinely distressed.

"Well, you don't, I mean-"

"No no. I don't like him like that. He's just a kid, and your best friend, and a GUY," Dean said with a huff. "I'm not gay. Just, you know. He's a good kid. Don't wanna let him down too hard."

Sam allowed himself a small smile at that. It was nice that at least his brother cared. It didn't help with much tho', and he couldn't think of any advice to give so he took a page from his brother's book and teased. "Oh wow, DEANA," he said, heavy on the name, "when did you loose that heart of stone?"

Dean frowned and glared at him, grabbing a stress ball from his desk and chucking it at Sam's head. He dodged it and began to get up and leave the room as Dean called after him, "Last time I tell you anything!"

Sam laughed as he closed to the door but as soon as it shut his expression dropped. He really needed to talk to Cas. He wandered into his won room and shut the door, dropping himself on the bed and staring up at the ceiling. He bit his lip as he tried to bury away the jealousy, trying to make a nest in his heart to shield it. So what if Cas liked his brother more? Hell, it didn't even have to be more, just different. He sighed, confused with himself. If nothing else he'd have to talk to Cas about Dean. Sam wasn't sure if it was his business to or not but it involved some of the two people he cared about most. It wasn't like Cas had mentioned to him briefly at school (although in all fairness, he thought, when would he have had the privacy to), so maybe he didn't want Sam to know? But just in case he just hadn't had the chance, Sam prayed that Cas would be at school soon. If anything, he wanted to make sure his brother wuoldn't butcher it too bad. He knew, of course, that his brother had one of the biggest, softest hearts known to man but fluffy things weren't quite masculine enough for his brother. Which mean, that there was a very high probability of his brother royally screwing the pooch with Cas. And at the end of the day Cas was still his best friend and that meant protection from his brother's neanderthal ways too.

Sam was just about ready to let himself go to bed early when he herd his father call them from downstairs. It took him awhile to untagle himself from his bed sheets and toss on a shirt. He came out of the hallway at the same time Dean did. They gave each other an awkward look that lingered for a minute, the conversation still a heavy weight between them. Sam sighed and decided to put on the big boy boots and walked forward. He turned and looked at Dean, "Just don't hurt him."

Dean blinked a bit confused and then catches up. He gave a sheepish smile, "I'll do my best."

When they reached the bottom of stairs their father was just hanging up the phone. "What took so long?"

"Nothing, dad. What's so important?" Dean asked leaning against the dinning room table.

"Well, if you'd been a little faster you would've caught your mom," this was followed by dual 'aaaw's' " but I got news anyway. Now your mother can't make it for Christmas," this was followed by a frown and a small quivering lip from Sam, "but they did give her a few weeks break from the major work to come up here for a little before then. She's already booked the plane ticket and should be here next week."

"So soon!?" Sam said excited while Dean grinned.

"Yup, I don't know what kinda magic she's working with the airlines but she's coming home,"P John said, a matching grin on his face.

"Oh my god, pie," Dean said as he rubbed his belly, a blissful smile on his face as they made their way back upstairs.

"Hey now! I make pie too!" their father called from the living room as they walked up.

"No, mom makes pie. You make cakes with weird filling," Dean shot back with a laugh.

"That's not my fault. You know your mother guards that crust recipe like a hawk!" were John's last words before they couldn't hear him anymore.

Dean had even managed to forget Cas in the excitement until he heard Sam's quiet voice, "You think she'll like Cas?"

Sam looked up at him with wide eyes, it was his first real best friend in a long time. Sure, he'd had some when he was little but none he was this close to. Ruby and Jess didn't even really count, they'd been neighbors for forever for one. Sam had felt kind of stupid for asking but it had slipped out of his mouth before he could stop it. He was expecting a little more teasing from Dean, but instead his older brother just sighed and put a warm hand on his shoulder.

"She'll love him."

And despite the good news, and fluffy warm feelings, neither brother slept especially well. Well, well enough, but it was hard to be fully rested with the lingering thoughts from their little confessional conversation.

The quiet, twitchy boy had really given their lives a run for their money.


	10. Ohana

**A/N: Re-written November 23rd 2012**

**Chapter 10: Ohana**

Sam had attempted to keep his mind worry free, he really had. But by the time Cas had been four days absent his concern grew stronger. He'd asked the teacher already who hadn't been able to give him any concentrate information. Nothing past that he hadn't been labeled truant, which meant his father was aware of his absence. It really didn't help much. A small part of him was worried that Cas got sick himself, maybe it was something awfully contagious. The other part of him is heart broken at how badly it must mean his aunt is doing. He tried to push away the worry by working extra hard on their project. It was a little harder to do without Cas, but he figured at the pace he was going his friend wouldn't be too far behind the classwork. Sam found himself wishing Cas owned a cellphone.

Still he broods and started to find that even food had started to get a funky taste. Most of his lunch period was spent with the people around him trying to give him various food items to see if may they'll find something he's in the mood for. Ruby was getting frustrated with him and Jess just settled with silent sad eyes and concern. They all knew what it was about of course. Sam hadn't directly mentioned anything past Cas' sick aunt but if the boy was just hiding in the library Sam wouldn't be acting like this.

The suspicion was confirmed when 3 strangers approached their table. Ruby and Jess had never seen them before but by the way Sam sat a little straighter they guessed he had. They were Cas' library buddies, and probably more than that, Sam assumed. Probably shared a few classes. Rachel wasn't the nicest person. He'd decided that early on in the three times he'd tried to join Cas in the library to study. He'd ventured to label her an elitist and Ccas had given him a 'be nice' look. It wasn't very often Cas chastised him so he'd kept quiet. Then there was Inias. Quiet but enthusiastic from what he could tell. They hadn't talked much. The third person that approached them he'd only seen once. A little snide British boy, transferred in freshman year. Something about his mother marrying an American.

Sam figured it had to be about Cas that they had sought him out. He'd rarely seen them venture out of the library, especially during lunch time, and Rachel looked like she wanted to burn the entire area down. It wasn't a social call. He felt hopeful for a few seconds. They were almost done with the semester and they'd never interacted with each other much. Maybe, just maybe, Cas was back and had been a little busy and found them in the library, told them where he usually sat, and sent envoys to let him know what was going on. Reminded them of who Sam was to make sure they could find him.

"Sam Winchester," Rachel said coolly.

"Rachel, right?" Sam replied trying to be friendly. She only scowled further.

"Be nice," Inias said with a hand on her forearm. "We're sorry to bother you. I'm just glad we managed to figure out where you usually sit from Cas' descriptions-"

"Descriptions?" Sam asked. So was Cas here or not?

"Yes, he talks about you quite often," Inias said with a kind smile while Balthazar and Rachel snorted. "Forgive them," he said to Sam in response to their behavior. "They're a little rattled. We haven't heard from Castiel in a few days now and since you are his best friend we were hoping you would be able to tell us smething."

Sam's spirit dampened, "Not really. His aunt's sick in the hospital or something. I was hoping you guys would have more info."

There was a pause in conversation before Balthazar put both of his hands on his hip and frowned, confused. "Aunt? Anna Milton? The one who lives a state over?"

This was news to Sam and he couldn't help but feel a little jealous that he didn't know that about his best friend. But he WAS Cas' best friend, Sam reminded himself. At least according to the small group. And it wasn't like he'd ever asked details about the family. "I don't know, I don't think so. His dad dropped by our house."

The three shared a look of disappointment. This was not the news they had hoped for either. "Well, when he returns, if you could let him know we'll be... waiting, I guess. And if you happen to talk to him before, give him our well wishes for his aunt," Inias said with a smile as he steered his two friends away from the table.

"I don't think the blonde likes your very much," Ruby commented after having watched the exchange silently.

Sam turned back towards the table and shrugged, "Which one?"

Ruby scoffed, "The girl."

"I don't know. I've only met her like twice."

"You've probably only met her on bad days," Jess supplied, "it's hard to find someone who doesn't like you."

Sam blushed a little at the compliment and Jess continued. "You should feel a little comforted tho'! If the aunt they're talking about is a state over, well, it would probably take a while to get there and back if she's so sick she can't travel."

"Yeah," Sam said, not entirely convinced but enjoying the way the comment lifted his spirits. "You know what... that actually makes total sense. Always so clever."

He missed the way Ruby pouted as he watched Jess turn a little red.

Ruby wasn't the only one pouting.

Meg had been prowling around the school trying to find Cas once she'd realized he hadn't shown up at any of the regular paths he took during the day. She told herself she wasn't a stalker, just determined. She'd get him eventually. Meg had watched from the back corner and read Sam's facial expression that Cas still wasn't back, before turning around and sneaking her way down the hallway to the quiet theater hall. That was where she ran into Roy. Probably waiting on his equally dumb older brother.

"Meg," he greeted cheerfully. She just grimaced at him and shoved him aside as he tried to crowd closer into her.

"What's wron-" he tried again and this time Meg whirled around and slammed him against the wall.

"Can it sweet cheeks, before I put your head through this wall," she snapped at him.

"Hey what- Meg, lay the fuck off him."

She snapped her head around to see Dirk finally walking out of the black box*, zipping up his pants. No doubt there was some young, pretty blond still scrambling to find her clothes in the dark in the room. "You won't lay a god damn hand on him. Now back, off."

Meg smirked and pulled back, sauntering her way over to the older brother. "Or what, big guy?" She didn't stop until they were touching chest to chest. "I think you're forgetting who you're talking to." As she spoke tho', she had to give the older boy a bit of credit, at least he didn't flinch back too much. "Good try tho', sweetheart," she purred and ran a hand down the side of his face before patting him on the chest. "I'll rip you to shreds if you threaten me gain."

Dirk just swallowed and shared a quick glance with his younger brother, who looked more confused than shaken. "what's got you in a bitch fit today?" he said instead of trying to find an eloquent response.

She frowned at him and took in a frustrated breath. "Have you seen our favorite angel around?"

Dirk seemed confused for a little before realizing who she was talking about. "Nope," he said with a bright, proud smile once he realized they were talking about Castiel. "Not in awhile. Maybe he learned his lesson and switched schools or something."

Meg's expression darkened and her hand twitched to swing out at him. "Your parents should've used better condoms," she said with a hiss, "this is NOT good. Do you understand? Not. Good. We weren't done with him yet!"

"But I thought getting him out of the picture was the point," Roy said meekly from behind her.

Meg sent a glare towards the younger kid, she didn't like him. Too eager to please. "I'd feel cheap using the same insult twice. I'm giving you one warning, and one warning only. You see him, you lay off him. And you let. Me. Know. And we go from there." She gave each of them a resounding smack across the back of the head before storming back out of the hallway. She would just have to double her efforts. The point had never been been to loose sigh of her favorite toy. The point was to make him break him down so that Meg was the only option he had left, the only savior. Not this. You couldn't control a ghost.

Friday came and went and the Winchesters are a few more days closer to mary coming home, and Sam is now a week's worth worried about where Cas could be. Despite Jess' clear cut logic, Sam ends up messing up his laptop as he stares out his window at the leaves turning color in the front yard and the dark sky. He knows he's reading too much into the weather but the ominous feeling makes his mind mind cloud over and before he knows it he's spilled his cup of hot chocolate on his keyboard.

"Damn it!" he cursed out as he hastily flips the laptop over so that most of it drips out immediately. Running around his room to grab the cleaning wipes he keeps around just in case. He turned his laptop off and wiped across the keys. He poked through all the cracks so he can try to catch all the liquid. Out of all the things to spill... He finally spread it out on a few towels, keyboard down so that the towel would catch the drip. He had just been in the middle of typing out his biology assignment too.

Luckily for him, he had already sent it to himself online as a precaution and could just use another computer. He didn't even bother knocking on Dean's door, he'd left an hour or so ago to go out with Ash and Chuck to the local diner for some burgers and then probably to Ash's. Or the Roadhouse to meet up with Jo. He sat down at his brother's computer chair and swiveled the mouse to get the screen back to life.

Sam's eyes widened into saucers as a very graphic image of two women, one in between the other, legs spread out across the screen. Panicking a little he tried to 'x' out of it too quickly and ended up hitting the video where it sprang back to life. His cheeks flushed as he tried to concentrate on properly finding the 'x' button again. He struggled to find the mute too so instead he pushed in Dean's headphones. It seemed like a faster way to shut off the sound. He was surprised to find it didn't bother him as much with the sound off. That that he'd never seen a naked woman before, or something like that. Or that it hadn't crossed his mind. Or wasn't aware that this type of stuff went on but he'd never had a direct run like this with porn. It had just never really interested him, and with his brother's near obsession it was a miracle he hadn't been more exposed to it.

So as he sat there staring at the moving images he told himself that he was just curious as to what the hell the fascination was. He looked around guiltily and noted the mark where his brother had left it. 'Idiot' he thought to himself. Even he knew how to delete browser history and close windows. He slipped on his brother's headphones and felt his cheeks grow hotter with the audio. Thankfully, he'd left the volume low and heard the slam of the front door and Dean's voice. Hastily he slid the video back to the spot it was at and popped out of the headphones, pausing the video. He thanked the school administration gods for making computers a mandatory freshman class as he pulled open the control tab and set the screen saver to switch on within a minute of inactivity. Sam lingered nervously in his brother's room as he listened to Dean stomp around downstairs and in the kitchen. He breathed a huge sigh of relief as Dean's screen saver sprung to life at the same time the steps started creaking. He attempted to calm himself down and make his way out of the room. To his luck he runs into Dean just as he makes it to the top of the stairs.

"You need something?" his brother asked confused and slightly irritated.

"N-no. I just spilled something on my laptop," he said keeping himself diligently turned away from Dean and b-lining it back to his room. "But you weren't home yet, so. Never mind. I can do it later."

He heard his brother make a questioning humming noise before he closed the door with as little suspicion as he could muster. Which wasn't very much at all by the looks his brother gave him the rest of the day were any indication. He curled up into bed and still felt a little odd and decided to try his laptop again. It turned on and the keys didn't even seem to be that sticky. Sam glanced at his door. It had a lock on it, but he's never bothered to use it before. He knew Dean started using his when he started masturbating and he wasn't going to give his older brother the satisfaction of teasing him about the locked door. Besides, he wasn't going to do anything, just look.

The glow of the computer screen in the otherwise dark room made him feel even sketchier as he typed in the website name he'd seen on his brother's computer. Several image stills for videos popped up on his screen and he swallowed a little nervously. Sam dug out his own headphones and plugged them in. He clicked on a random video and immediately brought his mouse to click on the 'x' in the corner.

After about an hour or so Sam wasn't anymore sure of his sexuality. He'd found that he didn't much enjoy gay porn, male or female. And was undecided about the rest of what he had ventured into. He did, however, know that his hormones were definitely doing their thing as he tried to go to sleep with a boner. Sure, he figured he could've fixed the issue himself but he'd only done it once or twice, and after watching some of the things he had he wasn't sure he could do it without feeling skeevy.

He fell asleep, angry with himself.

Their mother arrived on the following Monday. He'd spent the entire day nearly skipping through the entire school while waiting for the end of the day. Dean already had the car started and was strapped in the driver's seat when Sam ran out of the school. He practically threw the door open and slammed shut. Dean didn't even gripe about Sam being careful with his baby. Sam had barely managed to get his seat belt fastened before Dean reversed and peeled out of the parking lot. Their mother had arrived around 10am that morning and had promised to make lunch for them if she had the energy. And she always had the energy when it came to her family.

Sam had taken a leap out of the Impala before Dean had even managed to turn the car off, and judging by the harsh slamming sound, Dean was right behind him. They made it to the door at the same time. Sam struggled with his key while Dean opted for banging on the door. They heard soft, bright laughter from the other side of the door. "Hold on, hold on!" the voice said just as bright.

The door opened and the two boys flung themselves at her. "Mom!"

Mary laughed and brought her arms up so that she could bring them around her two boys. It was harder to do than she remembered. "I need to stop staying away for so long!" she laughed as she gave them both a tight squeeze. She pulled back just a little so that she could really look at them. Sam had grown about 3-4 inches since the last time she'd seen him, and Dean. Dean was turning into a handsome, young man.

As the boys pulled her back in for another hug, John entered the hallway with a small smile. Mary turned around to look at him. "You didn't warn me they'd grown this much!"

"They still look like kids to me," John said with a laugh.

"Hey!" both of the boys shot at each other before racing past their father into the kitchen.

Mary chuckled as John came to giver her a small hug and kiss. "I think they missed me," she teased, "Who'd have thought?"

John gave her a lopsided smile and a kiss on the forehead to that, "We all missed you." Mary started to walk down the hallway when he grabbed her hand. "I mean that. I know the last few conversations we've had-" Mary walked back to him and placer a finger to his mouth, her eyes bright and understanding.

"I know," she said softly, making sure her voice didn't carry. They tried to hide their fights the best they could from their kids. "It's hard. I get it. But I'm home, so let's just forget it." She kissed him. "Okay?"

He smiled into her lips and gave her nose a small peck, "Okay."

Sam and Dean were already hauling the dishes of food to the dinning table and eagerly setting up all the plates.

"They never work this hard for my food," John grumbled, fighting a smile.

"When you learn how to make a decent pie, we'll talk," Dean shot back as he sat himself down with a fork and knife in each hand, waiting for the rest of the family to sit down. As much as he wanted to just dig in, when his mother was around they were a little more polite about their table manners.

They ate slowly, enjoying each other's company. It had been months since their mother had last been home. They talked about the basics. Dean's college search, although he was opting to stay local so it wasn't much of a search. How Sam's grade's were coming along. Dean's job at the garage and finally how Sam was situating being so young at the high school.

"I'm sorry I had to miss your first day, honey," Mary said as she and John had themselves a small glss of red wine.

"It's okay!" Sam said waving an open hand in front of him. "Really. I'm doing great. I've got this new best friend too, Cas." Dean's hand twitched a little under the table at the mention of the boy. He still quite hadn't sorted out everything as far as the younger kid went. And Sam's smile dipped a little as their happy family reunion was interrupted by the reminder that his best friend had been absent that week.

"Oh yeah, Cas. You mentioned him a few times," Mary started, "but I sense some hesitation here."

Sam looked at both his brother and his dad, "Well.. he's been absent from school for a week now. Just kinda worried."

Mary frowned, "Oh well. I hope he's all right. He sounds like such a sweet boy, I'd love to meet him."

John put his hand on top of Mar's. "I don't think it's anything serious. I spoke to his father about a week ago. Lucifer's," Mary raised an eyebrow at the name, "sister is sick so they're taking care of her I think. It was a little confusing."

"Oh, well then," she said as she stood up to put up some of the dishes, patting Sam on the shoulder as she passed. "A week is a little serious sounding but I'm sure everything will turn out for the best."

Sam nodded and then had to add," I heard from one of his friends that his aunt lives out of state. So..."

"There ya go, worried for nothing Samantha's," Dean said as he stood up to clear away his own plate. He'd never admit to anyone that he'd been getting a little worried too, and the new information eased some of it.

"Dean, you know your brother hates it when you call him that," Mary chided from the kitchen. Sam smirked at his brother and Dean just stuck his tongue out at him.

"Yup, just two little kids," John muttered with a laugh, finishing his wine.

Despite the reassurances by his family and the constant logic trying to hammer its way into his brain by the time Wednesday rolled around and Cas had now been absent from school a week and a half, his gut was clenching uncomfortably. He figured that if something super serious would've happened Cas' father would've notified them, they were best friends after all. Then again maybe he just wouldn't think to. Sam's worry creeps into so much of his mind that one morning he decides he's going to have to find one person that he's sure would know, even if he's a little scared to go up and talk to him. He spent the entire drive to school shifting uncomfortably in his seat and sweating a little from nerves. He wouldn't even know where to start looking for him, or how to start the conversation.

"Someone put itching powder in your boxers?" Dean asked as they pulled up to their parking spot.

Sam tried to move out the door quickly but Dean reached out his hand and yanked his brother back into the car. "What?" Sam asked sullen.

"Nothing man. And usually I wouldn't give two shits about what's crawled up your ass but you don't look okay," Dean said with a raised eyebrow, "more constipated than usual."

Sam sighed and pouted, trying to get out of the car again but was held back by Dean's grip on his jacket. He wasn't going to win this one.

"I'm going to talk to Uriel."

Dean let go and sat up a little straight, angry and confused. "What the hell? What do you need to talk to that dick for?"

"Look, it's been almost two weeks. I think I've seen him around at least a few times so-"

"Sammy, no." Dean said sternly. Though now that Sam mentioned it, it was a little odd that they hadn't seen a bit of Cas but had managed to catch Uriel at least twice in homeroom. He sighed and leaned his head back against the headrest. "I'll go."

Sam's eyes widened and if it hadn't been such a serious situation, Dean would've laughed at him. "Look. You're not the only who who gives a crap about the nerdy little dude," he began and quickly followed with, "and I'll be damned if I let you anywhere near that fucker on your own. He could be on anything."

And just as the words had left his mouth, Dean wanted to take them back. Sam launched across the seat to hug him, "you're the best."

"Yeah yeah, whatever," he said pushing Sam off of him, "now shut up."

Dean kinda had a feeling that he wouldn't find him in homeroom and he was right. He figured he'd at least give looking around the rest of the school on his lunch break before he gave up. He did promise Sammy. Dean finally pinned Uriel down. He was standing outside with a group of his buddies, across the fence in some broken down excuse for a backyard with a storage shed. He shook his head and cursed under his breath. Honestly, why did the jackasses even bother being near campus if they weren't even going to be going to classes? But for now, that worked in his favor.

He watched and hunched his shoulders a little tighter into himself as the group slowly took notice of his approach. Dean moved around the metal gate and slipped through the broken door and marched into the open yard. He held his head up and walked straight towards Cas' brother. The other boy started to open his mouth, probably to shoot off something sarcastic, but Dean doesn't give him the chance.

"Where's Cas?"

Uriel looked confused for a second. Clearly not what he had been expecting. Then he put his cigarette back to his lips and took a long drag, sending an obnoxious cloud into Dean's face. To Dean's credit, he didn't cough or flinch. Uriel frowned and dug through his pocket, popping a white pill dry. "Don't know. Don't care."

Dean feels aggravation crawl up his spine, he really did not like this kid. "What the hell do you mean?"

Uriel sighed and rolled his eyes, his small group of friends chuckle a little. "It means, you simpleton, that I don't. Give. A. Fuck. Figured the great Winchester was smarter than that."

"What the hell is wrong with you? That's your _kid brother. _Are you so fucked off your ass you don't even notice he's been absent for almost two weeks now!?" Dean barks back. Yeah, some of it's because he legitimately cares about Cas. But a good chunk of the anger explodes from how lightly Uriel takes his older brother role. Dean takes his job very seriously, it's practically all he is. And then there's this douchefuck. Dean decided he held no warm feelings for anyone in Cas' family. He only prayed that whoever the sick aunt was strayed away from the flock.

Uriel frowned a little, "Now that's quite the tone there. He's probably at home with dad." He spits out the last word with as much hatred as he could muster, while his body relaxed into a nearly boneless state from the codine he'd popped.

"Probably?" Dean said spreading his arms open, struggling not to punch the kid.

"Yeah. Probably," Uriel spat back, "I left months ago. Haven't been living there since. So yes, Dean Winchester. PROBABLY. Now kindly, fuck off."

Dean shook his head and turned around to stomp off but then shook his head again and squared his shoulders, turning around. "You know what. No!" And Dean realizes he's a little louder than he needs to be. "Fuck that. You're his god damn older brother. You're supposed to _always _know where that kid is. I've got friends who drink and smoke and fuck all but not a damn one of them comes even close to being as miserable excuse for human being. All I see is a waste of space that can't even be coherent enough to protect his little brother from taking nose dives down the stairs and being shoved into fucking lockers every day." He took a huge breath. Dean found himself a little pleased that Uriel seemed to be paying attention now, at least if the wide eyes had anything to do with it. "There is something fucked in you, man," Dean finished shaking his head. "But you know what, fuck it right?" He turned around and started walking off.

Before he can make it to the gate he hears Uriel shout at him. "Why the hell d you care anyway Winchester-" the rest of what Cas' older brother yells at him is lost in the wind as he made his way back to school. He's thankful for the cold fall weather on his way in. It simmered down his anger. He ha to give Uriel credit tho'. Why did he care? And he decides, as he broods through the rest of his day, that it's because he trusts the kid with his little brother. Because Cas is well on his way to becoming an honorary part of the family. Because he actually has a huge soft spot for the dorky little goof.

He's still seething tho' by the time Sam climbs into the car that afternoon.

"What's wrong?" Sam asked concerned, immediately scared that something bad's happened to Cas.

"Nothing like that," Dean assures his little brother before Sam's imagination can run off. He gives a brief, expletive filled synopsis of his encounter with Uriel. "That guy is a damn piece of work," he grumbled as he put on his seat belt, "Doesn't know jack shit and apparently moved out."

While Dean spent the rest of the car ride grumbling to himself, Sam found himself horribly saddened all of a sudden. It wasn't that he found it odd that Cas never mentioned that his brother moved out, it seemed important and of course he would've loved to have been clued in on that. It was because Cas didn't have a brother to rely on. Sam glanced at his own brother and allowed himself a small, bitter sweet smile. Yeah they fought but he really couldn't have gotten luckier. And then there was Cas, shitty brother. No mom. Strict, weirdo dad.

"Hey-" Sam's head snapped up towards Dean, "I'm sure he's all right. Kid's stronger than he looks. Probably caught a bug or something from his aunt if she's sick. He'll be back in no time and then we can have him over and mom will smother the shit out of him."

"Yeah," Sam agreed but the smile he gave Dean faded quickly as the turned back to the window, watching the rain start pouring.

At least they were almost home.

**A/N: Forgot to add in chapter 9 re-write; but there's now at this time a new shortficlet out that takes place during ch. 9 -13. So rem. To read that when you get to 13. :] **


	11. Teenage Dirtbag

**A/N: Re-written November 23rd, 2012 **

**Chapter 11: Teenage Dirtbag **

Even though he'd tried to be supportive for Sam, Dean couldn't shake off his own worried vibes. Mainly angry wasps dancing in his body and stinging down into his arms so more often than not his fists were clenched. Uriel pissed him off like no other. But worry was in there too.

At least there was pie.

"Any news from your friend Sam?" Mary asked as she placed the oven fresh pieces in plates for each of her boys.

Sam picked up his fork and shoved it experimentally into the pie, trying to find the perfect first bite. He frowned and set his utensil down. "Not really, no. I asked my teacher about it and they weren't very specific. I just know he's not truant, so his dad knows."

Mary nodded and gave her son a sympathetic smile.

"Not even his brother knows anything. But he's a major dick," Dean grumbled moodily around his bite of pie. He stopped chewing when his mother raised her eyebrow. "Not a nice person, same thing."

"Well that's a little worrying," She said, sharing a quick glance with John. "How about we give them a call later?" Marry added reaching over the table to hold Sam's hand. "You can even sit in the living room with us, and if he picks up you can run up the phone bill all you want."

Sam's face immediately lit up, "Thanks mom." He'd already shoved in a happy bite of pie when John made a small noise of discontent.

"We don't wanna pry," John pointed out, "his dad knows how close the boys are. If it was serious he would've given us a call."

Sam didn't see the look that his mother shot back at him, but continued eating with content as his father backed down. The warm and fuzzy feelings didn't last long. They called after dinner, timing it at what would usually be a polite time in the evening. Sam had made it very clear Cas' dad was strict. The phone rang a few times before Sam heard Lucifer's voice on the other end. The entirety of the conversation consisted of, 'Hello, Very busy right now, Thank you for calling. Fine but sick.' Once they heard the beep on the other end of the line John just raised his hands in a sort of 'see' motion. Mary smacked him lightly on the stomach and pulled Sam into a hug.

"we know he's alive at least?" Dean offered but there wasn't much humor in his voice. He never liked interacting with Lucifer. Always felt a little too, slick, too smooth. The way you could hear that smile in his voice and he wasn't about to invite you to a friendly brunch.

Dean spent the rest of the night wondering why the hell he was so obsessively bothered. He told himself he'd already answered that question earlier for good with Uriel. But it wouldn't leave his brain. Okay so Cas wasn't a bad kid, and shit even Dean would have have to admit for a little weirdo he was kind of endearing. The odd vibes he kept getting didn't ease up the next morning either and it left him in a grumpy mood. It helped that his bran hadn't let him sleep either. Some days he was convinced he could do just fine without sleep. And even tho' he'd predicted it, Uriel not being anywhere at school pissed him off a little more. How could anyone not give a damn about their family?

To his luck, a homemade meal during lunch and the day off from the garage left him in the care of Chuck, Ash, and a very lovely, lively group of girls. They'd split up into two groups. Chuck on his (sorry) excuse for a bike and the girls and Ash in one, and Dean in his own after dropping Sam off at home. They'd picked one of his local favorite places to go to. He knew from the way Ash had clapped his shoulder at the end of the day that they could tell he was feeling a bit... not right. Dean refused to even let the word moody come to mind. Righteous anger had a nice ring to it tho'.

"You know we've got beer back at the house," Ash suggested eventually, noting that not even the bombshells he'd found to hang out with them were making Dean anymore fun to be around.

"Nah, I'm all right. Besides, mom's back home," Dean explained with a shrug, digging into his burger. It wasn't that Dean wasn't allowed to have a beer here and there, but it was generally only in a supervised environment. He adhered to those rules a little stricter whenever his mother was home. He knew he could get away with it with his dad more.

"Can we come?" one of the girls asked and flashed a bit of a nervous smile. She'd been trying to talk to Dean for most of the time and his hunched shoulders and short answers had made her wonder what she'd done wrong. Dean was known for being very social and always flirtatious with the women he was around. Always all smiles and winks and compliments.

"Of course," Ash replied leaning over a bit towards her across the table. "Ignore Grumpy over there."

"I'm not-" Dean started but didn't get to finish his sentence. Just behind Chuck's head he saw Uriel sauntering past. His eyes narrowed into a sharp glare as he watched the other boy cross the street and turn a corner. Dean squeezed his burger a little too hard and ketchup dripped out in huge globs onto his plate. Chuck turned around to see what he was glaring at but saw nothing. He swallowed nervously.

"What's up, man?" Chuck asks taking another look behind him.

"Nothing," Dean replied stiffly, downing his burger. "Hey, I'm gonna head home. Told mom I wouldn't stay out long. Family time and all that."

While Dean said his goodbyes and made his way to the Impala, Uriel had made quite a lot of progress on his walk. He pinched his nose and inhaled deeply, trying to get the last of the white powder into his system. Sniffling, he ducked around another corner, taking the back alleys to his old house. He couldn't have explained it to anyone, but he didn't like being looked down on. Especially by someone like Dean Winchester, with his damn cookie cutter family. Especially about his own family. The hell did he know.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the flask he kept tucked in it at all times and took a swig. He didn't particularly want to go back, but he wasn't exactly sober either. The leftovers of some rather fun pills from his friends were still buzzing in his system. Good ideas weren't a part of the plan. It took him about 30 minutes to make it to his house and by then Uriel was well and truly hammered. He stared at the door for a long while before walking up. He'd thrown his key off of a bridge when he'd left so he had to knock. Uriel waited just long enough at the door, swaying from side to side to start regretting what he was doing. Before he could turn around and leave, the door swung open.

Lucifer opened the door and slid against the door frame, a smirk forming n his face. "You came home," he said trying to reach a hand out.

"Fuck no," Uriel shot back, side stepping his father's hand. "Someone mentioned Cas at school today. Got curious." He fumbled over some of his words. He hadn't actually thought about what he would say once he got home.

"Don't tell me you've actually started caring," his father said with a humored laugh, "well isn't this a development."

Uriel grit his teeth together, "I haven't."

Lucifer smiled at him, all teeth and a dark light in his eyes. "Well good, because the little angel is very very sick. Stayed out a little too long in the cold." He paused and licked his loewr lip. "You should come in from the cold too," he smirked, "get warmed up inside."

"Go to hell," Uriel snapped, turning around and storming down the entryway. He heard the door close and unscrewed his flask again. Why the hell had he come? It hadn't been worth the walk in the cold.

On the other side of town Dean climbed out of his car and made sure not to slam the door shut. He jogged up to the front door and twisted the key. She smiled and waved at his parents before making his way upstairs, feet heavy on the floorboard. He dropped himself onto his bed and kicked off his shoes across the room. "This is stupid," he told himself.

Before he could mope longer there was a soft knock at his door. "Yeah?" Dean called out.

Sam opened the door and made a questioning face as to whether he should leave the door open or closed. Dean shrugged so Sam shut it. He settled in Dean's computer chair and stared for a bit before sighing.

"You gonna just sit there and stare or did you want something?"

"What crawled up your ass?" Sam shot back, frowning.

"Nothing."

"Right," Sam said drawing out the word. "I've just been thinking about Cas."

Dean 'hmmd' in response in the back of his throat. "And about his brother." Dean's eyebrow twitched and this didn't go unnoticed by Sam. "I don't like him."

"No kidding," Dean replied sitting up a little.

"I don't think he treats Cas very well," Sam mumbled. He wasn't exactly one to pass too much judgment before having all the facts, but his few brushes with Uriel and how little Cas talked about him left a rather upsetting feeling in his stomach.

"I don't think the fucker even has the world 'family' in his vocabulary," Dean ground out frustrated. Sam nodded. If there was anything he could trust Dean on, other than cars and girls, it was things like this. Character judgment, family type things. If Dean said Uriel was being a bad brother, then he was being a bad brother.

"Whenever Cas gets better we should do something with him," Sam said swiveling Dean's chair back and forth. "not just like, hang out," he clarified as Dean's eyebrow shot up in question. "Like... family type stuff, ya know?"

"I guess," Dean said confused. He liked the kid yeah, but that seemed a little much. Then again, maybe not. Yeah they'd only known him for a little under a semester but he'd edges his way into their household quickly anyway. There was even a small pile of extra clothes Sam had insisted that Cas keep at their place after a mishap with some cranberry juice. And yeah, the kid (even if it was on accident) balled a guy in the nads for picking on Sammy. He knew car parts well enough not to hold a conversation with Dean about it. Their dad seemed partial tot he kid too, making some of the dishes Cas seemed to like more whenever he came over. So maybe it wouldn't be too weird. "If he gets better while mom's here I don't we'll have a choice. She's gonna melt the second she sees his baby blues."

"Baby blues," Sam agreed with a distracted nod. It actually gave him the near perfect sequitur to the other thin he'd wanted to ask his brother. He'd let himself have another peek at porn. Which had been followed by a rather vivid dream involving two women he'd never seen as anything other than friends. He blamed it on Dean and his exposure to lesbian porn. But it had given him something to chew over. He'd spent the rest of the day at school feeling awkward and heated around Ruby and Jess. Whether they were around each other or not. He'd started noticing small things about their physical appearance too, eyes wandering to places he felt a little rude just glancing over. At least he hoped he was being discreet.

But those nervous feelings and heated skin had gotten him thinking. He'd never really considered what physical attraction was actually like. He'd cared about a ton of people, and there was that rush of excitement with Cas, but it wasn't quite the same as hen he looked at Jess or Ruby. He'd tried to figure it out on his own, googling things while Dean was gone but came to the conclusion that this was not something he could learn in a book or do research on. So he went to the best source he knew.

"Something else too," Sam added before he lost the nerve. He knew he could go to Dean for anything, but that didn't mean her particularly enjoyed the teasing.

"Hmm?"

"How do you know if you're attracted to someone?" As Dean kept looking confused he added, "not like a crush but like..." he didn't quite know how to say it.

"Sammy, Sammy," Dean said grinning, sitting up more attentively. Now this was a conversation he could enjoy. "You sly dog. This the same chick you had your eye on?"

"No," Sam said carefully. He wasn't going to mention anything that had pertained to his question about Cas. Especially now. He knew his brother wouldn't mind, judging by what they'd discussed recently, if Sam did have an interest in boys. But it didn't really matter at this point. Cas was interested in his brother anyway, and while it had stung a little at first (and he still felt odd about it), maybe this new development would make things clearer for him. Maybe things weren't as simple as Sam had originally marked them up to be. Puberty sucked.

Dean didn't even try to make a snarky remark as he watched his little brother's attention waver away a little. Whatever Sam was thinking about, maybe he could be nice this once. "I don't know man," he started leaning against the wall that touched his bed. "Kinda like the same shit as before but," he paused trying to find a way to compare it and realized he couldn't. That surprised him a little bit. He sure as hell wasn't going to have the birds and the bees talk with Sam, the kid wasn't that dumb and at 13 Dean was already well aware that certain things happened with bodies. But he couldn't find any other way to explain it. "You know what, never mind. This is more awkward than I thought it would be. Go ask dad, about time you got the talk anyway," Dean teased.

"Shut up," Sam said with a pout and got up out of the chair after finding nothing to throw at his brother. "Just never thought about it much before." Sam closed the door to his room and Dean stared after him.

"Apparently neither have I," Dean mumbled to himself and settled to stare up at his ceiling. At least he wasn't pissed anymore.

He spent the next few days wondering about it.

It had been an agonizing near three weeks. Still no news from Cas and their mother had a little over a week left with them. Not for the first time, Sam had suggested driving over to Cas' house but the plan had been vetoed. The younger brother had managed to rope their father into giving one attempt at a phone call to the other household, only receiving the same jargon before the line went dead. Dean took it as a reluctant 'can't be too bad?' but Sam wouldn't stand for it. Luckily for him, Wednesday morning when he'd made his mopy way through the doors the wait was over. It was odd that he could recognize Cas' back, but there he was. And no one else wore dorky sweaters like that. Sam couldn't even get a coherent noise from his mouth as he sprinted to the little attendance window attached to the main office specifically for permission slips.

"Cas!" He finally yelled out just as his arms flew around his best friend. What he hadn't expected was for the boy to go completely rigid underneath him and he could've sown he felt Cas shaking. Sam pulled back a little bit and for a terrifying moment he thought he'd confused some other guy with him. And a few moments later once Dean had joined them, he wished it had been someone else.

Castiel looked awful.

He was pale, really pale. Cas had never been on the tan side but he'd never looked like a washed out piece of notebook paper, the thin blue lines of his veins standing out a little in the harsh light. Maybe he looked better in natural sunlight but Sam didn't have high hopes for it. The blue eyes were sunken inside of two darkened shapes around the edges. Sleep deprivation. They stood there like that, watching Cas. There seemed to be small droplets of sweat gather on Cas' forehead, nervous, and the way Cas was breathing reminded Sam of the days he forgot his anxiety medicine. Maybe he had.

Dean broke the silence.

"Dude, you look like shit. What the hell happened man?"

Sam elbowed him really hard in the ribs and took a tentative step forward, keeping his hands casually open like he was approaching a skittish horse. "We were really worried."

Cas gave them a shaky smile and his voice seemed a little hoarse, "I've been ill."

Dean tried to open his mouth for another comment but Sam shut him up with a quick glare. Every so often he was glad to have his brother around, but the more he stared at Cas the more he felt that being a smart ass probably wasn't going to get the right reaction at the moment.

"I guess your aunt was pretty sick," Sam commented, mouth firmly set in a frown. "Is she all right? Are you al right? Even tho' my brother's an ass he's right. You don't look too good."

"I promise I don't feel as bad as I look," Cas said holding tightly onto his backpack strap. He jumped a bit as the lady at the office window called his name to hand him his slip to get back into class.

'Bull shit,' Dean thought but said nothing. Wasn't his business anyway really. He could back off of Cas for now, especially since he wasn't going to bring up the issue that had been plaguing him since Cas had disappeared. He'd prepped himself for it but walking in he'd immediately lost the will to. It looked like Cas had enough shit to deal with. Hell, maybe he'd even forgotten about it, but by the way that Cas was avoiding looking him in the eye, he hadn't. "Right, well, good to have you back." He left it at that and clapped Sam on the shoulder before wandering into the cafeteria to join his friends.

Sam watched his brother go and turned back to Cas who gave him a small smile. "Just let me know if you start feeling back okay," Sam finally conceded.

"Of course Sam," Cas said with a small nod and his shoulders relaxed a little. So far so good. He had to do a better job this time. No more slip ups.

Sam spent the rest of the day carefully watching Cas. Watching for smalls signs of sickness and his own body tense, ready to spring forward if his friend fainted. But maybe he really was being overprotective. It really wasn't that bad other than the physically ashen appearance. He didn't seem to be in any pain other than being a little twitchy. Sam was relieve for lunch time and found Cas, dragging him away from his library friends and insisting that he eat a real meal n the cafeteria instead of rabbit snacking. Cas had protested but after some pushing and needling from Rachel of all people that it was a good idea, Cas left with him.

It wasn't until they'd made it into the entryway of the cafeteria Sam realized he'd forgotten his lunch. He'd been hoping to share some of his mother's cooking with Cas. Food filled with love could heal any sickness. Especially his mom's food.

"Something wrong?" Cas asked him as they slowed down, detouring their path to walk towards the front desk.

"I forgot my lunch," Sam said miserably. Maybe he could phone it in and his mom make it before lunch was over. Of course he should've known that his mother would never leave him without lunch as he looked up. "Mom?!"

Cas looked up as they rounded the corner at the tall woman that Sam seemed to be addressing.

Long blond hair, a strong stance. And a bright, warm smile. He immediately had no doubts that this was Sam and Dean's mother. They shared the same smile. He felt like shrinking into himself and disappearing. He'd heard a lot about their mother and here she was when he was looking so pale and unkept. He'd hoped to make a better impression. Nonetheless Cas followed behind Sam, trying to hide himself by Sam's now much taller figure. That wasn't something he had expected coming back to school, but Sam was starting to have some strange growth spurts.

"You forgot your lunch. It's still fresh and warm," Mary said handing the package to Sam and giving him a hug. She straightened herself and peered around Sam, who then stepped to the side. "So this is Cas, huh?"

Cas blushed and struggled to find some words to say, he ended up with a soft, barely audible, "Hello Ms. Winchester."

"Yup! How could you tell?" Sam said cheerfully pulling Cas forward. "Cas, this is my mom. Mom, Cas."

Mary drew Cas forward and gave him a strong hug. Cas froze for a bit and Mary eased her grip a little until Cas relaxed and gave a small half armed hug back. "You're just as handsome as I imagined you would be," she said holding him at arms length to look at him and then released him. "I wish I would've known you were back today, I would've brought you something too."

Cas blushed and his neck flushed in embarrassment. Being around their mother was like being shined on by the sun itself. He wasn't use to it, but he could tell that this is where the Winchester home got it's warm glow from. "That is not necessary. I bring my own food, but thank you."

"That's a lie," Sam said poking Cas in the chest. Turning to his mother he said, "Don't listen to him. He eats more rabbit food than I do. Carrots and an apple is not a lunch."

Mary laughed, "I don't think that's quite true. My husband says you eat quite well at our house."

Cas nodded, "He is a very good cook."

"Well, I'll talk to him and see what you like and have Sam bring you some next time," Mary said glancing at her watch. "I think they have a microwave you can use here-" Sam nodded "-but I have to get going." She gave Sam another hug and smiled at Cas, putting a hand on his shoulder. Cas figured that was Winchester thing. "Get to feeling better Cas, my boys could not stop talking about you. I'd love to have you over for dinner before I leave," she said moving past them towards the doors. "Oh, and Sam. Tell Dean, Bobby called and that he doesn't have wrk today. The car that was supposed to come in is going to be a day late."

"I will," Sam said waving enthusiastically. After she'd made it out he turned to Cas, holding the wrapped up box of food out for him to look at. "You're going to love this!"

Feeling a little overwhelmed, Cas let himself be led past the plastic silverware for Sam to grim him some and to the table they always sat at. He was greeted with a few waves and smiles and then the loud chatter continued. Sam opened up the box and shoved it towards him, watching as Cas took the first bite.

It was heavenly.

And for a moment, with the noise of the cafeteria buzzing in the background, Cas felt like the last three weeks hadn't happened at all.


	12. Tell Me Tales of Heroes

**A/N: This chapter is UN-BETATED. My beta had to disappear for reasons. I have not hear heard from her in almost a week now. Keep her in your prayers if you're the praying type. Which means when I hopefully hear back from her soon this chapter will be re-written. I ask that you guys read the second version too. **

**A/N 2: Update. Apparently the 12 of you who read the new chapter already (according to my stats) had some really good vibes because my beta's back! So whenever she gets around to it, the chapter's gonna be updated. :] I'll upload chapter 12 at the same time so you guys know it's been update. **

**Re-Written December 5th 2012 **

**Chapter 12; Tell Me Tales of Heroes **

Despite his protest Cas had ended up eating most of the lunch that Sam's mother had brought for him. The only thing that encouraged him and simmered down his guilt for eating it was the pleased, glowing smile Sam gave him. It felt a lot better than the concerned, invasive stares the brother's had given him that morning. His mind wandered on that note, once he was in Biology class, sitting in the back of the classroom at the lab tables going through worksheets he'd missed. For the most part he'd ironed himself out of any thoughts of Dean. It was easier to do now. He really missed that sweater. He'd been nervous about coming to school again, knowing he didn't look the picture of health but his father had told the school he was sick anyway. And he did not want to stay at home with his father anymore.

Cas had made himself stop thinking about his little lip lock with Dean, since it had bothered the older teen so much that he'd had to go to his father. He had tried to shove it into the box filled with his life-time mistakes and glued it shut with his father's words and actions. Yet when he saw Dean that morning, he couldn't help it. It was so much easier not to look at the bright concerned eyes, or the soft frown on those even softer lips.

He felt like a coward.

Cas being the skeptic that he was about people and sometimes giving into stereotypes had half expected Dean to take a swing at him like some of his jock buddies did. Or immediately star chewing him out. He'd expected dirty looks from Sam too. Instead he was surprised to hear concern, and actual concern at that. From _both _of the brothers. And then there was of course their mother. He still felt a soft buzz in his chest and his belly felt warm even almost an hour after he'd eaten. He'd thought to himself that this was truly the most perfect example of what home cooked meals should taste and feel like. It carried him through the day and the awkward feelings that sprang up every time something reminded him of Dean.

He'd hoped to be able to hide from them at the end of the day, not quite ready to face them again. There had been a stipulation to him coming back to school as well. He was to stay away from the Winchesters. During his absence his father had made it clear where he belonged and who he belonged to. And it was not the Winchesters, and that the Winchesters were ruining their family, and that Cas was letting it happen. A small sparking flame inside his chest refused to believe that but he couldn't help much, it was the only life he knew. Until he'd met the Winchesters, despite having friends in the past, and had been invited into their home, he'd almost believed everyone's family functioned like his did. It made him question what was wrong with him to stay at home. But the thinly veiled threats were always following him. His father wasn't one to let anything _threaten _the family.

Cas never could hide from Sam, of all people. He'd tried to corner himself in the cafeteria where most people wouldn't be at that time, staring out of the huge panel windows to the parent loop. Pretending that he was waiting for his dad. His father still worked a few hours after school was over so he'd have to walk home. He still had to wait because at least a part of the Winchester's drive home down the path he took home, they'd no doubt notice him and give him a ride home. And as much as he wanted it, he couldn't risk his dad coming home early and seeing him step out of the Impala. He wanted to stay in school and was filling to fight for it, in his own, little, cowardly way. Avoiding people didn't strike him as a much of a fighting stance, especially when he'd been told to stay away from them.

But sure enough, the brother's found him. Sam plopped down across the table from him and lowered his head to catch Cas' down turned eyes. "We've been looking for you!"

"Oh?" Cas replied with a smile.

"Yeah, you're usually at the car by this time, we got worried."

Cas's heart gave a twitch and he turned his smile to Dean as well, because he couldn't believe Dean had waited for him too. And then back to Sam. "I forgot, I'm sorry. It's been pretty busy for my first day back. My dad's picking me up, I have to wait for him."

Sam's face dropped and Dean raised his eyebrow. "Oh," Sam said softly with a frown. "Wouldn't you get home faster if you went with us ?" His eyes got a hopeful shine.

"He's just worried since I've been so sick. He gets very," Cas paused, "protective about stuff like this. Especially after the three weeks he wants to make sure nothing goes wrong."

"Sounds like a great dad," Dean commented half sarcastic. Something in his gut still didn't like this situation. Although if he had to be honest with himself it was mainly because his father skeeved him out. But he shrugged it off. Still wasn't his business and he still couldn't quite bring himself to look at Cas for too long. "I'll be by the car," he announced and walked off.

The two younger kids watched him go. Sam grabbed Cas' hand and gave it a tight squeeze, staring into his eyes, trying to make sure that everything was actually okay. He wasn't as intuitive as his brother but he could try. Somewhat satisfied he began to get up from his seat but stopped abruptly sitting back down. "You didn't tell me your brother moved out."

Cas' heart rate sped up and he had to focus on making sure he showed no other physical reaction to the news. How had Sam found out about that? His mind immediately filled with all the worst case scenarios. And they all included his father. "Oh, it didn't seem like it was that important. Never relevant to the conversation we were having."

Sam's perpetual frown deepened and he gave Cas a stern look. "Cas," he waited two seconds to make sure that the boy was actually paying attention. "I don't care if it's 'relevant' to the conversation. That's stupid. You're relevant, always. And it is a big deal. He's your brother. I wanna know about stuff like this. That's what friends do."

Cas couldn't help but smile, "Of course Sam, I apologize." He took a small berath, glancing at the clock in the hall to make sure they didn't make Dean wait for to long. "Well, he moved out some time ago. He turned 18 and decided he wanted to have his own place. He's more of a free spirit like that."

"I'll say,"Sam muttered but didn't keep his comment going at Cas' confused, tight frown. Cas wasn't exactly ignorant that his brother would come home drunk or smelling of something strange. But he wasn't aware of the complete extent of the extracurricular activities his brother got into. They didn't interact much and it's not like anyone spent time talking to him about it. He figured Sam was talking about the underage drinking and smoking, and he could live with that.

"Either way, that is what happened," he said finally gathering himself up again. "How did you find out?" Cas added, praying he sounded casual.

Sam started grinning and Cas's chest deflated with ease. If it had been through his father he doubted Sam would sport such a smile. "Dean bitched your brother out."

Cas's heart dropped into his stomach. His eyes blew open and his mouth did little fish movements as he struggled to find something to say. "Wh-, I. Wait. I don't. When?"

Sam's grin widened and he drummed his fingers excitedly on the table. Now that Cas was back the confrontation didn't make him quite as worried or sad about Cas' situation. He'd found throughout the day he'd wanted to be bale to tell him exactly what had happened. He had been very proud fo his brother and hoped Cas would be too. "Yeah, we were really worried about, and Dean went and found Uriel, asked him where you were and he didn't know because-" Sam paused his wording to take the harsh words out of it. If nothing else Sam could adapt to situations pretty quickly and Cas didn't seem like he wanted to his brother to be ragged on too much, "- well, reasons and told him he hadn't been back in forever and Dean got piiised. It even got around the school for a little bit that they'd had it in with each other. Not a lot of people know why, Dean's kinda private like that. But yeah, he got into it with your brother to try and found out what was wrong since you were gone for so long."

Cas felt a strong heat build underneath his cheeks. He felt it spread from his nose out towards his ears and he fought a smile. His teeth rolled his lower lip around as he ducked his head. Dean had picked a fight with his brother. Dean had picked a fight with his brother to FIND him, because. Because he'd been worried. Maybe Dean didn't feel as disgusted about their incident as he had thought. Maybe he'd let it go. Maybe... Cas' heart gave a strong flutter, like a bird taking flight. All of a sudden his last few weeks seemed a little more bearable. He didn't have the chance to bask in the glow as they heard boots on the tiled floor approaching them.

"Seriously ladies, I'm not waiting here forever. Sam," Dean said shoulder stiff with irritation. It was just about nearing the end of October and it was getting damn cold. He still had his green jean jacket on instead of his winter leather one and did not appreciate the cold one it. He'd rather be out in the hot sun than an icy breeze, "grab your purse and let's go."

Sam gave him one of the bitchiest glares he could muster but Dean's focus moved to something else. Cas and Dean had finally shared a true full eye contact look for the first time since that morning. Dean's heart squeezed weirdly at the unabashed adoration he saw in the younger kids eyes. They stared at each other for a very long time, not even blinking until Dean felt overwhelmed and had to dart his eyes somewhere else. 'The hell?' he thought as he started to feel awkward. He'd finally gotten used to Sammy sometimes looking at him like he was made of gold but he figured that's because he shared certain qualities with their mother as far his 'totally nonexistent' nurturing side went. He'd never expected this from Cas. The awkward feeling intensified when Cas stood up and appeared to hover for a bit, never having stopped looking at him even as Dean had drawn back. Unlike Dean, he was wholly focused on the fact that someone, especially someone older (and thus in his book more ADULT, more mature) had stood up to his family for him. And while he loved his family, of course he did, how could he not, the defense felt warm. And safe. In ways that he had never expected to feel.

The feeling reminded him of the first time John Winchester had cooked his favorite dish for him. It reminded him of one of the first times he'd sat down with Dean and Sam to play a video game and they'd joked around with him, just as they did with each other. It reminded him of the first time he'd met Balthazar and been dragged into the little group of friends that held their base in the library. He figured this had to be the type of feeling people got when they were kids; scared of the dark and monsters; after they ran into their parents room and curled between them. A fort of human bodies and heavy blankets to protect him from things he couldn't fight off.

His arm muscles twitched as he fought not to hug the older Winchester. Out of everything he'd discovered since their first meeting, Dean Winchester did not do hugs. Or physical affection period, unless it was in the form of punches, random projectiles, or sex. That was another thing the news reminded him of. The first time Dean had chucked a crumpled piece of notebook paper at him and called him cheeky. Sam had gotten upset and defended him but he'd gone to bed smiling that night. He wasn't outgoing enough to initiate the same type of joking around affection with Dean so he sure as hell wasn't going to hug him. He settled with a quick touch of his hand to Dean's shoulder and a hurried thank you before taking off. He could hide somewhere else until the Impala had rolled by. They needed to get home. They had a family waiting on them.

He waved at them as he lied and said he saw his father's car drive by the loop. Feeling braver than usual he decided to move back behind the fence that outlined one side of the school (the backyard where his brother and other sketchier students hung out at) but he had to get away from the loop area first. He'd made sure the two brother's had left before he left hiding behind the cars as the loop and squeezed through the half open door on the fence. He noticed it had been rusting for awhile.

He made it home a little slower than usual. He wasn't as familiar with this route as the one that took the main road streets (even if it in some areas lacked sidewalks and he had to walk in ditches.) As he turned the key into the door he heard the rumble of his father's car pulling in the driveway. Cas made his way inside quickly. His father wouldn't be happy he was so late. And sure enough that was the case. He'd taken his shoes off at the entryway and moved in further, taking off his school bag and putting it down on the kitchenette table when he heard the door he'd left open slam shut.

"Welcome home dad," Cas started out, moving to the kitchen immediately to start cooking.

"Where have you been?" his father asked sharply, putting down his own work bag on the same table. It shook a little from the force of it. "We had an agreement. You weren't with those Winchester's were you?"

Cas cringed a bit. He knew he couldn't lie," They tried to talk to me so I waited a little bit. They tried to give me a ride home because of the cold but I refuse." He opened the fridge an took out eggs and half an onion. He was going to make burger patties that day. "I had to take a back route so that they wouldn't see me on the way home." Cas waited, holding his breath as his father went over the information ins his head. What his father said next he hadn't expected at all.

"It _is _getting cold."

"Huh," Cas remarked confused as he broke the egg and tossed it into the mixing bowl, adding a bit of water and bread crumbs to the mix.

"You need to stay away from those boys," Lucifer said entering the kitchen and coming behind Castiel, running a cold hand across his shoulder, down his arms as he broke apart the pound of meat into the bowl. "But it is cold. At least this happened on your first day back so we can fix it."

"Fix what?" Cas asked nervously, grinding the pepper in.

"Their meddling. You need an after school activity. They shouldn't bother you with that," his father said shortly, running his hand up from the shoulder and through the back of his son's hair. "Something that takes a little while. I will pick you up every day from school. I've switched my shifts so that you don't have to take the bus either."

Cas' heart stuck in his chest tightly. He couldn't even get his body to relax as his father pulled back and pulled out his personal laptop from his bag after pushing the code in.

"I don't know how many are left at this point that are open," Cas stammered out as he mixed the meat together with the other ingredients after adding a pinch of salt.

"There has to be something, I will make certain calls to the school if I have to," Lucifer said with the tone in his voice that suggested finality. Not that Castiel wouldn't have appreciated something else to do, but the restrictions placed on him around the new activity didn't quite seem worth it. He concentrated instead on forming the meat into a consistent mixture, pouring oil in the pan with onion shavings for flavor as his father clicked away on a school list of activities.

"Here we go, winter sports. The swim team still accepts casual members for after school activities," Lucifer said with a pleased, almost lecherous tone in his voice

Castiel froze up and left his hand hovering near the stove too long so that a spark of hot oils prang from the pan and onto the underside of his forearm. He sprang back with a small yelp, cradling the burned area with his other palm. Cas turned to the sink and yanked the cold water knob and pushed his arm underneath it. He heard his father make a 'tut' sound and the scrape of a chair. Castiel's breath quickened as his father came up behind him, holding him close, a hot pressure pushing against him.

"I'm not sure the swim team is for me," Cas tried, stammering and voice tight. Out of all the things... why couldn't it have been a book club or chess team? Something clothed.

"It won't be if you keep hurting yourself like that," Lucifer said wrapping his long arms around Castiel's midriff and pulling him close. "People will ask question," his voice dropped. "And we don't like questions, do we Cassie?"

Castiel shook his head and debated whether or not it would be better to lean further forward to turn the water back off and get a small ice pack or just let the water run. He ddn't have much choice as his father pushed him further into the sink. "No," Castiel whispered cradling his arm under the water. "I don't want to," he said and lifted his arm, hoping it was an extra excuse, but his father's hand's just drifted lower and he found it didn't matter.

"You liar," his father laughed, fingers splayed out, "you like it."

Cas dropped his head down and tried to stop his shoulders from shaking. No. No he didn't like it, at all. But biology didn't seem to care much about motivation or fear.

So, Cas ended up joining the swim team. His father had gone to the school the next morning while dropping him off to make sure his son could still participate. He wouldn't actually be on any team, but he had been let into a group of boys who needed extra after school activities. His father had told them, and the coach had agreed after one look at him, that Cas needed to build back some of his strength after being 'ill' for so long. He'd felt awful even as Lucifer escorted him from the coaches office back to the front area where the school gates where. His only consolation to the steadily growing discomfort was that Dean and Sam were already waiting for him. Sam waved and it and he felt Lucifer's grip on his shoulder painfully tighten.

There was a short exchange of hello's, and for awhile Cas thought Dean's interaction with his father seemed a little tense but he brushed it off. His father gave his shoulder another squeeze and left Cas alone with the two brothers, giving a stern glare. Cas waved a shy hello towards Dean now that his father had left them. He only nodded in response and made a quick exit. While Cas made himself busy watching Dean walk off a light bulb turned on in Sam's head.

'Oh yeah.'

Sam stared at Cas watching his brother for a little bit as his brain caught back up with the fact that things were okay and Cas was back, and that they hadn't had a chance to talk about the kiss. As far as he knew. It still made his brain take a few jerky movements in it's usually smooth flow when he thought about it. His brother and Cas had kissed. After the initial news he'd been too busy worrying about his friends health to think about the implications of them hanging out again. At the very least his brother had been receptive to Cas driving with them again, automatically waiting by the car for Cas to show up. So that was a good sign. But judging by the quick glances and the long stare Cas was trying to fight away from they hadn't had a chance to talk about it. In all fairness, Sam figured, they didn't spend much time in the same areas, and now that riding with them was out of the question... Sam decided then that he would just have to figure out a way to convince Cas' dad to let him have dinner at their house with their mother. She was only going to be in town for about a week longer and they were running out of time.

"My-" he started and Cas' head spun back around towards him, the smitten stare wiped away, "- mom made you lunch today. Her and dad actually." He handed over a wrapped up plastic bag to him. Cas' eyes widened and shimmered, his smile twitching his lip a little above his teeth. Sam felt warm. "My mom made her special gravy and home-made mashed potatoes, and dad made that chicken fried stake that you really liked. It won't taste as good in the microwave but-"

"I love it Sam," Cas interrupted, cradling the plastic bag to his chest. "Tell your mom and dad thank you." He stepped forward and wrapped Sam in a hug. "I don't know where the microwave is tho'," he added, "could you show me at lunch?"

Sam smiled, pleased. Not only was Cas happy with the food and the choice of food, but he'd just essentially promised to eat lunch with him. Cas's lithe form was a continuing point of worry for him and despite understanding the friends his friend lunch with, he preferred it when Cas ate real meals. "Oh, hey. What was your dad doing here?"

Cas' smile lost some of its shine but he held it firmly in place. Things were finally good again. He was back at school, had a home made lunch, and Dean didn't seem to hate him. He'd be damned if he gave anything away that would put him back at home. He'd even asked his father to up his dosage by about 5mg for his anxiety medicine to make sure he could follow through with all the requirements. Cas had never been a big fan of the pills but found them shockingly helpful. "He felt since the sickness took such a toll on me I should try and find a light after school activity to revitalize me. I'm participating in swimming lessons each evening."

"Oh," Sam said and paused. It made sense. Admitted, a little unusual so late in the year, but it made sense. "I guess we won't be seeing you after school anymore."

Cas gave him a sad, small smile, but relief settled into his bones that Sam hadn't questioned further. "We still have English together." The bell rang. "And our locker's are next to each other."

Sam nodded but couldn't help the frown he still had in place. He'd been deprived of his best friend for about three weeks, who'd come back looking worse for ware, and now he was being kept from hanging out with him at all. "Have you talked to your dad about coming over to dinner?" Sam asked as they made their way up the stairs to the freshman lockers. Cas' shoulder muscles clenched. "We could have my mom call, ya know."

"No-no," Cas said, "I just haven't had the chance. I've only been back for two days." He tried to keep his voice light. "I'll talk to him when I have the chance. He's got a very important business deal going on right now. He's very busy."

"Right," Sam said, his voice drifting off at the end of the word.

They went their separate ways and met back up in English. Halfway through class, and things being as normal as they could be, Cas was called up by the teacher. He gave Sam confused wide eyes as he shimmied out of his seat, aware of all the people in the class sneaking glances at him. He squeezed his hands behind his back and willed himself to think chaste thoughts as he settled into the chair directly in front of the sub, now full time teacher. Cas' absence had not made him any less of an attractive man.

"I've already done this with everyone else," he said with a bright smile. "You're doing great so far on the project with Sam. He's made sure you guys are on track and all of your make up work isn't really that much. I wanted to talk to you about your essay. I haven't had a chance to have your consultation of the first draft., and I really have to ask Is this really what you want to submit?"

Cas tilted his head, a little confused. He took the draft of his essay and skimmed through it. There were barely any red marks. He couldn't figure out what was wrong with it. He'd briefly talked about his brother, his father, his absent father but that they were still a family, but as he skimmed through it the second time he began to have a sneaking suspicion as to what his teacher was alluding at. It was something he hadn't expected to notice until his return to school.

"You're usually such a great writer Castiel," the teacher continued, "but this essay seems a little cold... very blank language. It's not quite up to part on how you usually write. Is everything okay?"

Cas blinked before nodding, "Yes sir." He flipped back and forth through more of his essay. "I wasn't quite prepared for the topic content to be so in depth when I prepared my first draft. I believe you will find my second draft much more up to par. Thank you for your concern, however I simply misunderstood the purpose of it. It needs more pathos."

His teacher didn't seem quite convinced but smiled, "I look forward to reading it Castiel. You're a bright kid." He sat back down next to Sam and held up his paper in response to the inquisitive look.

"Oh yeah. You never got your review, huh. Did he give you an extended deadline?"

Cas just nodded but didn't comment much, and as he was finally sitting down later, eating the meal that Mary and John prepared for him it pieced together. Tumbling more solidly with Sam sitting next to him, their legs warm against each other, and he'd even seen Dean briefly before lunch (who'd given him a short wave), and although it wasn't much it made him pleased. For the first time Cas felt there'd been a silver lining in his absence. He felt much closer to his closest friends.

He knew what he was going to write about to get that A, even if he'd been convinced originally just to turn in the sub-par essay. .

He was going to write about Dean and how he stood up for Sam, had stood up for _him._ He was going to write about Sam, and his unrelenting kindness and the teasing games he played with his brother. He was going tow rite about John and his short lipped disapproval or support of his sons, and the special care he took to make every meal perfect.

And he was going to write about Mary.

Her warm smile, the way her household still glowed even in her absence because of the love she had filled it with. The smile she had given to Sam and Dean. The food she cooked, and even for a brief moment of contact, how safe her arms felt.

He was going to write about the Winchesters.


	13. Double Time On The Seduction Line

**Re-Written December 6th 2012 **

**Chapter 13: Double Time On The Seduction Line **

Dean's phone volume slowly started to increase while it buzzed around on the table from a phone call. It took Dean until he's half belting "I'm a cowboy" along with the tune before his sleep clouded brain realizes that it's his phone and not the radio or something. After four years of having the same ring tone one would think he'd be used to it. It was kinda his thing. He ran his hand over his face to try and rub the sleep out of his features. His other hand groped around the edge of his bed and he winced as his knuckles hit the edge of the night stand. Dean mumbled a cruse and rolled over a little to the side so that he could fingertip his phone to him. With one quick flick of his wrist he had it sliding across the table and flying straight into his bed.

"What?"

"_Good morning sunshine," _cam Ash's sing-songy voice over the other line.

"You need something?"

"_You're positively dazzling to talk to when you wake up, ya know." _

"Fuck you very much too."

"_Sure thing, just let me butter myself up for ya," _Ash shot back, followed by a laugh. Even Dean had to grin a little.

"Seriously tho', what do you need?"

"_Well, it's like 2pm on a Saturday and you're still sleeping. Me and Chuck are headed to the pool hall. They got done with the renovation so the first couple of games are free." _

"Sorry, Ash," Dean ground out as he glanced at the clock to double check Ash's time telling. He hadn't meant to sleep in that long but it was cold and his bed was warm. "Wouldn't have been able to until later anyway, got a shift at the garage."

"_Always at the damn garage." _

Dean knew he was joking but felt the need to defend himself anyway. He had a tendency to get touchy with things he took pride in, especially since that list was pretty small. "Always making money too. There's this cool thing that happens where I can buy all my own stuff and won't have to take out loans for college."

"_The recipe for happiness is money, women, and a cold one, Dean. You're not partaking enough in the women and the beer." _Dean laughed. _"We'll pick you up after. Text me." _

Dean didn't have to wait for the dead ring sound on the other side before he closed his phone. Ash never really had the best phone etiquette so the second Dean heard the ending tones in Ash's voice he'd stopped bothering to wait. Despite the sudden wake up he was glad for the call. He had a tendency to sleep later in the colder months. At least he'd had a few hours left to have himself a lazy morning. He launched himself out of his bed to wake up his sleepy body by pumping adrenaline into it and shook out his arms. He walked over to his radio and turned it on, cranking the volume up. Dean yawned and pulled his arms up into a long stretch before walking out of his room, leaving the door open so that he could hear the music from the bathroom. He got a quick glare from Sam, who had peeked his head out at the ruckus, before his brother slammed the door shut.

"Come on Sammy! It's quality music!" he called out.

Dean walked into the bathroom and ruffled through his hair, trying to decide if he needed a morning shower. Deciding it was fine he turned on the sink and splashed water on his face, hand scrubbing it in, then cupping both palms under the running sink and running the water through his hair. He tapped his toothbrush to the beat of the music as he searched for the toothpaste. He didn't spend too much time brushing his teeth before tossing in a round of mouthwash and jamming his way back to his room. He let the door slide almost shut as he glanced at the clock.

"Sweet," he said to himself when he realized he still had time for a hot breakfast, and with mom in the house and it being around 2pm it would mean grilled cheese sandwiches. He balanced himself and reached out one foot to kick up his jeans into his hands. He did the same with his t-shirt and then spent 20 minutes obsessing about the weather and how fluffy he would have to layer himself up to withstand it. This was one thing he didn't even care if someone made fun of him for, he'd wear UGG boots if he had to. Luckily that claim had never been challenged by the weather and he was always grateful.

Once he'd finalized some sort of compromise with his clothing he went downstairs where he spotted his mother. A small shadow crept across his heart. Mary would be staying the weekend and then flying back that following Monday evening. At least it gave them time for one or two more family dinner's before having to say goodbye. Dean marched over and gave his mother a strong hug, which she returned and warmly patted his arm.

"Sit down," she told him with a smile. "Grilled cheese?"

"If you could," Dean replied going to the fridge to pour himself a glass of milk. He sat down and idly listened to the TV that his father had on. He drummed his fingers on the table as he watched his mother move around the kitchen. Dean had suggested that he not work that Saturday but she'd vetoed it. He'd only be working for a few hours and had Sunday off. He needed the money and more than that Bobby really needed his help. Since it was getting colder a lot of the main cars they were long term working on (instead of the pieces that they were leaving in the junkyard half of the garage) had to be moved to an indoor space. He'd be helping more or drive all of the vehicles on the active working schedule in and getting the covers out for some of the others. They were about to head into November with Halloween around he corner, which always meant snow in about the second week of November.

So yeah, it made sense. And he really did need the money with the end of the year coming closer and closer. That didn't mean that he wouldn't miss his mother, but she'd always been a very 'responsibility first' type of person. It was one of the reasons she did so much volunteer and out of country humanitarian work through her friends company.

Mary placed the plate with two warm, perfectly pressed grilled cheese sandwiches in front of him and rubbed his shoulder as she went into the living room to join John on the couch. "There'll be pie for you when you get home," she added quickly. "Fresh out of the oven too. Home made apple sauce and sliced apples in it. And pumpkin pie. I know it's not your favorite but Sam requested it to bring to school for Cas."

Dean had been grinning the second the word pie had floated through the air, and it just split bigger as the word was followed by home made. But as Cas' name popped up he felt a piece of toast attempt to lodge itself in his throat. He grabbed the milk and took a huge gulp. His eyes stung as he felt the piece of toast scraping its way down his throat. "Good idea," he said after swallowing thickly. Mary smiled at him from the c ouch. 'Get a grip man,' he thought to himself as he went to put the dishes in the sink, rinsing it off. 'It's just Cas.' Except no matter what he did, the boy was slowly starting to become a weird complex for him.

"I'm headed out!" he called to his parents.

He hopped into the Impala and his eyes darted to the spot in the back where Cas usually sat. Dean wasn't going to admit it out loud to anyone but he kinda missed the kid sitting there. It wasn't that it wasn't fun or comfortable in his care anymore, just, felt like there was a seat empty where it had always just been the back seat to him. (Well sometimes a little more than a back seat but that wasn't a luxury he indulged in very often.) Cas spending more time doing his own thing and the swim team (which still baffled Dean, he'd never pegged the kid as the athletic type) had made Dean realize just how much time they'd been spending together before. With the near 3 week absence, followed by this withdrawal by Cas, Dean found himself feeling off kilter. And not just in the car. He realized he'd gotten used to waking up some mornings on the weekend and finding Cas and Sam already up annoying early working on something. The evening after dinner felt odd. Even with his mother home she never really joined them for couch time, preferring to read so that left a space on the couch where Cas had usually situated himself. Video games or education on good movies and TV had become a sort of thing he'd looked forward to with Cas. It wasn't something he and Sam did on their own much either. There wasn't really a reason to. Dean had nothing left to teach his little brother.

He missed having someone be excited about car parts with him.

Dean frowned to himself and turned up the radio to drown out his stupid thoughts. Which is what they were, he told himself, stupid, lame, touchy feely thought bull crap things. He was probably just obsessing because his mother was leaving so he was projecting. And that he still needed to talk to Cas. Although a part of him hoped that because Cas hadn't tried any direct advances since his return that maybe they were both just going to ignore it. Which Dean told himself also that he should've been fine with. Ignoring problems was generally a great strategy he went by, but what had happened with Cas had knocked his world a few inches tot he left and he could tell he was going to be OCD about it. He'd never even had a friendly peck on the cheek from a male. Parent, grandfather, or otherwise. And here came Cas just planting one smack dab on the lips and running off. And hit and runs were wrong. You at least had to stay after to exchange information and figure out who's fault it was. Or something.

Bobby waved at him as he pulled into the garage, moving his car out back so that the customers could have a clear space to drive in. "Hey Bobby, where am I starting?" Dean asked, ready to get to work. He caught the pair of keys Bobby threw at him and started walking to what he assumed would be the first car.

"I already moved a few into line, all you gotta do is file 'em in like that. First car's the latest deadline and we go from there. Don't mess it up," Bobby said sternly as he started to walk to the other side of the shop. "I've got one car propped up in the shop for you. Told James not to touch it until you've taken a look at it so try and hurry up."

"He'd better not," Dean said as he got into the car. James was a pretty good mechanic, and actually speaking probably could've gotten the job done on his own and they'd have one less car to work on, but Dean had started working on the car and he'd be damned if he didn't finish the job without meddling. Not only did it have his personal pride in completing something involved, but then if something got messed up, it was his own fault and he could have no one else to blame. That's the way it should be. A man takes responsibility for his own actions.

He'd managed not to think about Cas the entire day. Dean had even shrugged off his outer coat, the weather having warmed a little. The day was looking up as he sat happily in the bed of a broken down Ford truck. He was chowing down on sandwiches he'd left in the break room fridge the day before when Ash and Chuck showed up. Dean waved at them as they pulled in.

He took another huge chunk out of his sandwich, "I've still got an hour of work."

"What? Lame," Ash said jumping up and sitting next to Dean. Chuck eyed the rusted truck nervously and chose to stay standing.

"Yeah, sorry. I've got like...20 more minutes of break tho'," Dean said around a mouthful of meat and cheese.

"Bad ass," Ash said with a head nod, "good 'cause you'll never believe what we fuckin' saw."

"It was kind funny," Chuck added.

"Kind funny?! Man, you are the king of understatements. Aren't you writer types supposed to have a really accurate vocabulary," Ash said with a look towards him before turning to Dean. "So, you know how Vic's been really gunning for that one red head-" Dean nodded, he hadn't really paid attention to the girl but he knew Vic well enough. He wasn't exactly a dick, but he really was a certain something DB. A very loud, opinionated DB. He'd seen him around with a girl but other than the fact that they'd played together when he was still playing soccer he'd never cared too much. "- sot hey were at the pool hall, got a table next to us. And she had a few of her friends there, and this other guy. That one really weird theater kid.- "Dean made a fast forward motion with his hand "- Calm down. But so. He's been really sweet on this chick and they were talking and she was just being nice, you could tell. Well, he walks over to her, I swear the guy was high, and he goes in to kiss her, and Vic, oh god-" Ash scrunched his face as he re-lived it in his head" -her pool stick jams around his legs and he falls forward. Theater kid makes a grab for him so he doesn't fall on the chick and BAM."

Dean widened his eyes a little and slowly moved his head, not quite following.

"Ash, you're kind of a crap story teller," Chuck said and Dean turned to him, "it wasn't actually that big of a deal. Guy tripped, their mouths brushed against each other. It was embarrassing for everyone involved."

"Oh," Dean said, a twitch running from his lower back up to his shoulder. Ash was laughing next to him.

"Come on, that's funny as hell! Especially with Vic," Ash said nudging him. "God, he's gonna get the worst shit for weeks."

"Yeah well, it's not like brushing lips with another guy makes you gay," Dean said suddenly feeling the need to defend Vic.

Ash quieted for a moment and stared at him, eyebrows raised. "Of course not, that's kind of a given."

Before Dean could be scrutinized by his friends further, he wiped his hands on his jeans and hopped down. "Okay, I gotta get back to work. I'll text you in an hour to meet up somewhere."

"Sure thing," Chuck said as Dean walked off. Ash just shrugged his shoulders when he and Chuck shared a look and got back into their car.

Dean was happy to be able to bury his head under the hood of a car. It hid the small res flush creeping up his neck. Why the hell did he have to say that? Why did that no filter out before it left his mouth? He blamed Cas. He spent the rest of his hour angrily going through the engine, his irritation with Cas growing as he kept blaming the younger kid for his weird mood and retarded mouth. It was just weird. He needed a manual or something to figure out how to clear this type of shit out of his head. And he didn't like it at all. He knew he liked women, his back seat, a few angry fathers, and his internet history was proof enough of that. And so were the boxes of tissues he went through. He knew what he was attracted to. And then Sam's stupid voice rang in his head about what exactly it meant to be attracted to someone, and Dean slammed his head into the hood as he tried to mentally chase Sam away. At least the day was over, he grumbled to himself as he closed the hood and started to put all of his tools up. Before he left Booby told him to remind his parents that he would be coming Sunday evening for a little get together before Mary had to leave. Dean nodded and got into his car, sitting there for a little while, wiping grease off of his hands.

The internal battle wouldn't leave him easy. He finds small moments of relief when he's at home, talking to his mother, until he hears Sam talk about Cas and how he's doing. And how it's a shame that he never had the chance to come over while Mary was there, Dean only mutters an agreement trying to shy away from the conversation. And sometimes when he's alone in his room going through some of his favorite porn, he can forget about the stupid dialogue his brain has going on with itself. Or when he's thinking of the list of girls he might consider liking enough to ask to go to prom with him. Which ends up a rather short list, which brings the annoying mental Sammy back to life about why it's such a short list and he should've narrowed it down further because exactly what does he even like about these girls? He chucks a rubber band at Sam the next time he passed him in the hallway. His brother only stares at him confused with his arms raised. Dean ignores him.

Monday rolls around and his mood hasn't gotten any better. He barely notices in the morning when Sam sprints off rather quickly towards Cas, who seems to be cornered by some girl. For a little he thinks maybe the whole thing was a fluke with Cas, but judging by the terror in the boys eyes and then the relief when Sam steps in, he'll have no such luck. He goes through the motions and b-lines it to his car after school, Sam in tow. Sam gets a little watery eyed and Dean bites a hole into the inside of his cheek as they eat their last dinner together with their mother. He holds Mary for what feels like half an hour as she walks out the door with John, and spends the rest of the day in his room.

This is how the rest of the school year slowly passes for Dean. A mixture of an identity crisis that he thinks he's blowing up out of proportion. And due to it a sharp avoidance of anything Cas related. They don't talk about him unless Sam brings him up and how much he misses him, and how worried he is, and how for a little while he wanted to join the swim team but with his academics it wouldn't work for him. Sometimes, John would pick up where Mary left off on home-made meals for Cas, trying to recreate some of the things his wife did, but for the most part he's too busy with work to do it. Sam and Dean go back to school lunches too.

Dean's day's pass with frustration at his school work for not being easier in his senior year. It was supposed to be the lazy year if any of his previous upperclassmen should be trusted. With a growing worry bubbling about what his plans for college would be too his stress levels were shooting out the roof. He'd been saving money for it sure, but he hadn't actually thought about it at all. Ash's early acceptance due to his scores to MIT didn't help. And at least Chuck had the schools picked out. It was about time to start sending in his applications. Early application ended in December and late ended in February. With his grades, they weren't bad at all but he wasn't top bracket, he wasn't sure he could afford to wait too late. It didn't help that when he mentioned it in passing to Sam, the kid already knew where he'd wanted to go. Fuckin' Stanford.

And it's cold. Damn cold. And snowing. And as the first day of December rolls around with their stupid holiday cheer Dean just needs to go exhaust himself or he's going to explode. The next morning he went to school he sought out his old coach who gave him permission to use the weight room, the indoor track, and to take out some of the soccer balls and other equipment he might want to use after school. Slowly through the hours, as he poured out his muddled brain, he found his body relaxing. Dean practiced a few trick shots into the net he'd set up for himself before grabbing a basketball and doing a few drills by himself. It had been about an hour or two after school and he figured it was high time to leave, the school only stayed open so long. He gathered up most of the equipment and went to deposit it in the bin. He's about to go back into the gym from the middle hallway when he hears a nervous voice coming from one of the locker rooms. The doors is a bit cracked open, which it shouldn't be.

And a weirdly...

Dean doesn't spend much time thinking as he opens the door to the men's locker room. "What the fuck?!" he exclaims. He'd been right. The second voice belonged to a girl. A girl with a nice ass, he told himself as he took a second to stare before she turned around. "What are you doing here. You can't be-" not that he'd never thought about pulling a girl into the locker room but- "Cas?!"

"Dean."

For a second Dean almost believed that Cas had invited this girl here with him. But the way he was holding the towel between himself and the way she'd been trying to inch closer made him think different. The girl turned around fully and raised an eyebrow. He'd seen her before. Awhile back. He was surprised he even remembered.

"Get out of here before I call someone," Dean said sternly, walking further into the locker room. She gave him a sneer but didn't fight it, winking at Cas as she sauntered out. "Skank," Dean muttered under his breath.

And then he turned to Cas and found himself wishing for the skank back. Because holy hell Cas. Feeling much more relaxed Cas had dropped his towel down a little and was leaning against the lockers, head tilted back and a relieved smile on his face. "Thank you. She's not the most pleasant person," Cas said as he breathed in deeply. Dean couldn't say much, but he'd changed a bit since the last time Dean had taken a glimpse at him. Cas was still a little on the pale side but he'd never been exactly tan, but there was color there now. He wasn't bulky either but he'd definitely built muscle. There wasn't a single part of him that wasn't toned. Strong legs and sharply defines sex lines and then. Oh. Fuck. Dean had to shoot his eyes straight back up because that was not an area of another man he should be looking at. Or be impressed by. There's some silence for awhile and Dean finally remembered how to speak, "Yeah. No problem." His voice doesn't crack.

Cas smiled and his eyes darted away, gathering the towel back around himself. He finished drying off as Dean stared. He grabbed the rest of his clothes and made a hasty exit into the bathroom to finish changing, but before he disappears around the corner he takes a quick glance at the older boy's lips. This doesn't go unnoticed by Dean. His mouth went dry and he tapped open the box of courage he'd been preparing for months.

"Hey listen Cas, we gotta talk," Dean starts nervous. Palms a little sweaty.

Cas tightens his arms around his piles of clothing. His eyes dart around nervously as he tries to bring his racing heart rate down. His father was going to pick him p in a little, and he'd already tried to make mental steps on how this was going to go if the conversation came up and he wasn't ready and oh god. "It's fine Dean," Cas said instead, "Don't worry about it." He tucked himself further and locked the bathroom stall to be sure.

Dean stared ahead for a little, willing his brain to catch up. His chest tumbled and he felt like a rug had just been pulled out from under him and he just couldn't make the right connections. "Fine?" he finally said out loud after a long silence. He'd prepared a speech and this wasn't even a damn chit chat.

"Fine," Cs said when he stepped out of the stall. He hurried to grab his bag and stuff everything in it. He passed by Dean before the older boy really had a chance to regroup. "Thanks gain, Meg is a bit of a terrifying woman."

And just like that Cas was out the door. And Dean couldn't help but feel cheated. Here he'd been spending months obsessed. Not being able to let it go, replaying it again and again and analyzing it and taking it apart and putting it back together in every way he could. His hours of agonizing over Sam and what it would do to their friendship when he and Cas finally talked, and how he was going to take it and where they would go from there and the damn 'we can still be friends' line. All of it. Down to 'fine'. All of the worries about how what if Cas had been staying away from their house because he was avoiding talking to him, that it was okay to come over, down the drain to the most anticlimactic of scenarios that coul'dve happened.

What the hell did fine mean anyway.

**A/N: Cool thing I noticed. S.E. Hinton is a fan of Supernatural and recently visited the set. I didn't know this when I started the story. Super happy I used Outsiders now. **


	14. Ash and Dust

**Re-Written December 6-7th 2012 **

**A/N: Trigger warnings. Pay attention to them. This chapter gets dicey. Also; Christmas Coda goes in for about half of this chapter. **

**Chapter 14: Ash and Dust **

Cas took in a deep breath, enjoying the way the icy air curled up in his lungs. He was sure that his face was red and flushed. He wasn't sure how he felt about the fact that Dean had remembered their kiss and wanted to talk about it. He knew it was cowardly to run off. But he'd never been one for confrontation. Cas shuffled his feet around, trying to get some feeling into them. He hadn't dried off properly so the cold was seeping under his jeans. All things aside he tried not to admit to himself that maybe he was a little hopeful with the eye sweep Dean had given him, that there might be something there. He told himself he'd imagined it even as it was happening but there was a strange electricity in his chest, still leftover in a soft buzz from where the older boy's eyes had lingered. Not that it mattered. The instructions from his father had been very clear. Stay away. Even if Cas had wanted nothing more than to indulge in more time with Dean, it was better to keep distant and be allowed some time with the Winchesters than risk complete alienation. His father had been a little drunk but the word 'home schooled' had been thrown around enough times to where Cas knew it wasn't a fleeting fancy. Alone, in a locker, half naked with Dean Winchester was probably the most dangerous setting Cas could've found himself in for that to happen.

He saw his father's car pull up to the loop and quickly glanced behind him to make sure Dean hadn't followed him. Satisfied, he slid into the seat next to his father. They drove home in silence. Once home, Lucifer went to his own room leaving Cas to start preparing dinner again. His eyes darted around every time he heard a noise from his father's room. He'd never truly beaten him before, and usually wasn't very violent with him, but the flip of a switch he'd experienced when his father had found out about Dean. Well. It had taken three weeks for the bruises to fade enough to where he could return to school. Cas' hands shook a little as he wondered if his father could smell Dean on him, even if they hadn't touched.

Cas started cutting up a tomato as his thoughts wandered to his own body. Another small bright light that had been (maybe just in his imagination solidified by Dean) was that he was changing. For better. Cas had always been a hard work for sure, but swimming made him realize while he might never be a weight lifter; he had strength. And muscle. And power hidden under his skin. He still had trouble being unclothed in front of the other boys but the medication helped dull his senses. Although his father hadn't intended swimming to be anything other than a distraction, Cas couldn't help but feel more grown up every time he looked at himself in the mirror.

The down side, he thought to himself as he filled up a pot with water. Dean didn't appear to be the only one who maybe noticed. Things had been eerily silent the first few weeks he had been back. The worst of it was the cold stares he'd received from Roy and his brother Dirk. He'd been expecting little paper balls to the back of his head, a trip down the stairs, or being cornered. But not only were they silent, everyone else was too. No compromising images in his locker. Nothing. It scared him more than a tumble to the ground would have. At least he knew what to expect.

He hadn't mentioned his paranoia to anyone really. He didn't feel comfortable and open enough with his library group to do that type of sharing, although he had felt warm when he'd heard that they'd attempted to get in contact with him. And Rachel had even agreed to make the trip to go find Sam (why she disliked his best friend was still under question). After a few weeks he'd made a brief comment to Sam who'd agreed that things seemed a little calmer than usual, but he seemed distracted. Cas was pretty sure Sam didn't think he was acting any different, or was doing it on purpose, but he'd noticed Sam had been a little more thoughtful than usual. And a little more nervous around their friends. But nonetheless he knew Sam would never let it go if he didn't share, the Uriel incident had taught him that. So he'd continued. He mentioned that other than the stares he hadn't had any incidences. Sam had smiled and given him a half hug. Maybe this is a good thing, maybe things were slowly startng to get better Sam had suggested. Especially as the weather was getting colder, maybe they just didn't have the energy anymore. They had all been good reasons but, Cas had still been convinced it was the calm before a storm.

And in a way he'd been right. He'd started feeling the wolves closing in after Halloween when the first days of November rolled around. He couldn't explain it. There was just a sudden shift and in his nightmares Cas could swear when he walked the empty school he could hear gears moving within the walls. Things had finally started clicking into place as he saw Meg lurking around more. He hadn't realized she'd been that absent until she started showing up again in force. His panic worsened by the fact that the other bullies, the ones he didn't really have to worry about actively, still did nothing but give him uncomfortable vibes.

The worst of it was being convinced that she waited for him somewhere behind him out of sight while he waited for his father after swim practice. Those were the times he missed the warmth of the Impala the most. November passed eerily still. Shadows, stares, and swim practice. With a peppering of exams and obsessive work during library hours on his essay. He couldn't take it home, he doubted his father would appreciate a family essay on the Winchesters. By others standards, November had been the most normal month he'd had at school yet. But with Cas' life something had to be waiting around the corner.

Meg.

Cas had to admit even to himself that he'd never expected her to be quite so bold. Or patient. He'd been back since October and she'd waited until she school year was nearly over. He'd almost let himself believe that things could be okay. Almost.

He'd never had a lot of other boys to compare his body to. He'd only ever seen his father's, Uriel's, and briefly Dean's through the crack in the door until swimming. Although he knew it was stupid, he spent all evening in the pool in nothing but a speedo with these guys, he always made sure to wait until the rest of the boys had left before he took his own shower and changed. When he was feeling really paranoid he showered in his speedo. Today had been a speedo day for which in retrospect Cas had been grateful for. Cas had been busy rubbing shampoo through his hair and trying to enjoy the hot water working into his sore muscles. They'd really pushed hard today. He'd heard the door creak open slowly and immediately scrubbed the rest of his hair clean. He hadn't even made it out of the showers before her face came into view behind the steam.

His throat closed up a little, panic eating into his muscles as he fought between whether to back peddle into the showers or make a dash past her to his clothes.

"Hey there gorgeous," Meg purred, running her eyes slowly up and down Cas' body. His body decided on clothes as he darted around her, a little faster than he'd expected to be able to move. His hands pulled the towel tight around his body. Cas was yanked back briefly as Meg grabbed a hold of the edge of the towel and pulled back. "Slow down there handsome," she said throwing another glance across his body and moving closer, using the towel as leverage to bring them together.

"You're not supposed to be here," Cas said turning so that he could put a wall at his back at least. The lockers weren't the most comfortable thing to be pressed to, the locks digging into his back were sure to leave dents, but it made him feel a little safer. That was one thing that swimming and his new stronger body had not changed, his fear. Next to Meg, he still felt like a bird staring down a viper.

"I can be wherever I want," Meg said scooting her body closer to him. She moved her arm briefly to pop a few of her shirt buttons open. Her eyes darkened and a frown formed on her lips as Cas didn't even glance down. Her pride flared angrily, even the men that could be polite at least glanced. Meg shoved closer to him, trying to align their bodies. She grabbed the towel more aggressively as Cas slid to the side along the lockers. Cas' panic fluttered as Meg's hands started to move along his body with the towel still safely between them.

"Stop, please," Cas whimpered, not knowing what else to do. Briefly he figured he could... push her or something but fear as to what the repercussions from it would be kept his arms locked in place. Meg didn't seem the type to easily be pushed over either, simply physically speaking. And then there were the vague threats she'd always made about directing her attention to Sam. Cas'd had several nights of unsatisfying sleep obsessing about how to make sure that the Winchester's stayed out of the issue. The pornographic calling card that been left in his locker had been enough. "I've never done anything to you."

Meeg gave a drawn out chuckle and sighed airily. "Oh yes you have. You see, Cas, you see, I'm not the only one who's noticed that under those god awful sweaters and shuffly walk is a bombshell. I've got somewhat of a reputation to keep up, of getting what I want. When I want it. And I want you first and only. Although I'm sure you've noticed that already-" she stroked a finger down his cheek and leaned in close, lips hovering around Cas' ear- "I don't share my toys. And-" she laughed "- you know what you did? You-" she leaned in closer "- said -" her lips touched his ear and Cas' body twitched trying to move away "-No."

Cas flinched back. The air constricting tightly and memories of his father itching at the back of his skull, hammering so loud he thought the bone might break. He couldn't even focus on what she'd said next as she pulled back to smile at him, with both full rows of pearly teeth showing. His stomach was trying to crawl its way up through his chest and throat when suddenly he could breathe again. He'd snapped up at Dean's voice and almost fell to his knees as he'd said Dean's name. Cas smiled at the memory.

"What are you smiling about?"

Cas jumped and turned to face his father. "Good day at swim practice," Cas mumbled out. It wasn't a lie, technically. He turned back to the food on the stove, glad that his trip down memory lane hadn't burnt any of the food. His stomach clenched tightly as his father remained hovered behind him. After a while he stepped forward and stroked a hand along Cas' shoulder and neck.

"Good," Lucifer said leaning down and placing a gentle kiss on the back of his head. "I"m glad you're enjoying it. It has been doing great things for you," his father paused to stare up and down Cas' body, "healthy things."

"Yes, it has," Cas agreed quietly, shoulders relaxing tension out of them when his father moved away.

The next morning he carefully took out his paper, reading it over for the final draft before hiding it deep within the random loose papers in his binder. He'd asked his father to bring him to school a little earlier so that he could use the library, and after convincing that it was for extra work he had missed that he hadn't had time to do (and that the Winchester's didn't get up that early) his father had allowed it. Originally he hadn't though about editing the essay more than he had. It was already border lining on a few too many words, but Dean's rescue of him had given him a need to expand on Dean's part of the essay. He wasn't intending on ever telling Sam or Dean about the essay, or his other friends, and definitely not his own family, but there was at least one person who he could share these amazing stories of these human beings with.

Cas held these warm humming thoughts to himself as he sat in the half lit library with only the kind librarian for his company. He let his hand linger on the warm paper after it had freshly printed, nodding his head and smiling. There were a lot of things that could be taken from him, but this. They couldn't take away. He'd been so uplifted by the re-reading of his own essay that he even gave Dean an enthusiastic wave as he passed (and had that been a blush on his cheeks? Or just the cold), leaving Sam as he b-lined to the cafeteria as per usual. The effects were so apparent that Sam even had to make fun of him as they turned their essays in, pouting then as Cas refused to reveal what he'd written about that was so great.

The last two weeks before winter break were spent in a delicate dance of shy waves by Cas and odd silences between him and Dean that even Sam found necessary to comment on. Mainly to Cas of course. (The one morning Sam had braved to bring it up to Dean he'd gotten a solid smack on the arm for ti and a grouchy walk away). He hadn't been looking forward to the end of the year quite like Sam had been. He knew that their mother would not be able to join them but Sam still painted him wonderful, colorful, warm pictures of their Christmas traditions. This excitement hit its peak the last day of school when Sam cam bounding in with a grin on his face, and even Dean was smiling at him a little.

"You're in a good mood," he commented as he waved at Dean who gave him the first full eye contact in almost a month. It made Cas' knees quiver.

Sam nodded, a glint in his eyes, "I am."

Cas frowned confuse and tilted his head to squint at Sam better. "Which would be why?"

Sam grinned, "It's a secret."

Cas pouted, "We don't have secrets."

Sam stuck out his tongue, "Yes we do. You won't tell me what the essay is but that's okay," Sam teased holding his hands up dramatically. "No, but more seriously, you'll find out. I don't want to give it to you until the end of the day."

Cas spent the rest of the day staring at Sam, wondering what in the world the other boy could be thinking of. Obviously it was an item. What else could someone give another person? So it was something he could physically hold. He kept trying to ask for details but Sam insisted that it would make it all better when you had to wait for good things. Sam was right. As he packed up his stuff to go to swim practice Sam walked up to his locker, hands behinds his back. Before Cas could say anything Sam took one of Cas' hands and placed two palm sized boxes stacked on top of each other into his hand. Cas' mouth went dry.

Sam smiled up at him, "Merry Christmas Cas. Don't open them until Christmas tho'. Mom's orders."

Cas fish mouthed a little, "Your mothers?"

Sam pointed to the box that was underneath. "The top one's mainly from me and Dean, and dad 'cause he helped pay. But mom sent that in special from Haiti. We got it a few weeks ago but I figured the longer I waited the less likely you would be to open it early."

Cas' face went pink then red, "I didn't.. I didn't get you guys anything."

Sam hugged him tightly, "Make it up next year. We're just happy you're back." Sam's smile tightened a bit and his eyes drew lines of worry at the corners. They didn't talk much about his absence.

"Next year," Cas agreed, throat thick and eyes burning as he hugged Sam back. It was an amazing feeling to have a 'next year' to look forward to, to be so cared for. "I won't open it until Christmas. I promise."

And weeks later, hidden underneath his bed he pulled out the two boxes once his father had passed out and opened them. From Dean and Sam he'd received a leather cord necklace and a hand made string bracelet. The note Sam had left him said "all of us have one. We couldn't decide which you'd actually wear. I voted bracelet! Merry Christmas Cas!" He ran his thumb carefully over them and found his chest clenching tightly. He doubted he would ever be able to wear them.

The other box he opened more carefully, and it was with shaking hands. In it was an ornament. It was a handmade clay angel. Mary's note was printed in neat cursive and Cas couldn't help but feel his eyes water. "Merry Christmas Castiel. I hope things are going well for you. I hope you don't mind but I was curious about your family names. I had myself a little chuckle when I saw this and thought of you. Maybe you can hang it up in the tree or just in your room. Have an angel watching over you. My best wishes and I'd better see you at the dinner table next time I visit!"

Cas held his blanket a little tighter around him that night.

He'd hidden the ornament behind a bunch of boxed and books, carefully wrapped in newspaper he'd snuck into his room. That was easy but as quickly as the winter break had started it had ended under the stern, watchful eye of his father. The bracelet and simple leather necklace he'd hidden he took out on the first day of school. He spent awhile playing with them finally deciding to tuck them into his backpack to wear later. He hadn't had a phone or any way to communicate with the boys and Cas wanted to make sure they knew just how much he appreciated them.

There was still snow on the ground that Cas nearly tripped through as he slid out of his father's car and hurried to the entrance. He moved to his usual corner and pushed his back against it. Things had been quiet after Meg's run in with Dean but he was expecting her to come back with new vigor with the break over. Despite his worry he couldn't dampen his smile as he pulled the string bracelet and leather cord out. (He tucked the leather cord under shirt, because if he remembered correctly that's how Dean wore his.) When he finally spotted them coming in and towards him, butterflies started crawling in his stomach. He still hadn't gotten them anything. And he was a little paler since he'd been under house arrest all break. And Dean was looking straight at him. He watched Dean's eyes drop to his neckline where the cord of the necklace could be seen. A smile over came his features before Sam gave him a friendly shove on the shoulder. He pouted and looked back at Cas, elbowing his brother back with a smile and pointed to the bracelet visible at the edge of Cas' sweater.

He swallowed the saliva gathering in his mouth and gave them the best smile he could muster. "It's good to see you again," he said once they got close enough.

"I'd call you greedy for choosing both but," Dean said stopping in front of him. He paused and stared at Cas for a bit, running a hand through the back of his hair. He made a small coughing noise in the back of his throat. "Looks good tho'. Glad to see you're wearing it right." He gave Cas a friendly clap on the back and nodded goodbye to Sam. Looking at his friend he wasn't sure which one of them had the most surprised expression. Sam's lip quirked up a little bit but he didn't explain anything more. Apparently his brother had done a little more thinking than he'd expected over the winter break.

"Really glad you liked them," Sam said.

"Of course," Cas said earnestly, "They're wonderful. They feel very... personal."

Sam smiled and nudged Cas towards the hallway of their lockers. "Good. They were supposed to be. Just so you know, wanted to make sure you knew just because we don't see you as much anymore doesn't mean you're not one of us now. Pretty much family, ya know?"

Cas ducked his head behind his bangs and held onto the straps of his backpack. He bit his lip and then lifted his head back up, eyes glimmering happily. "Thank you, Sam. I'm glad you think that."

Maybe he would tell Sam about his essay after all.

He'd half convinced himself to, until push came to shove and they were returned. Cas beamed at the A+ circled at the top of his paper and didn't even feel the strange sexual spark he used to when the teacher smiled at him as a silent 'I knew you could do better'. He tucked it away into his bag before Sam had a chance to look at it.

"No fair," Sam pouted at him.

Cas smiled, "Maybe one day."

"One day my butt," Sam grumbled but got out his calendar, dropping the subject. "Okay, so. If your library buddies don't mind. Project due date is next Monday so I figure we work in the library for lunch this next week and get it done."

Cas laughed at that and took out his own materials, "I'll see if the library mafia can be persuaded."

And things were good.

Until Cas was dragged that Thursday evening into his room by his father. He held two notes and the ornament in his hand. His room had been pulled apart.

How had he forgotten to hide the notes better? Cas' head swam and he couldn't even remember at the moment if he'd even hid them.

His ears roared.

"Where are they?" Lucifer demanded sharply.

Cas couldn't even pretend not to know what his father was talking about. His stomach filled with acid and his palms became clammy as he held out his backpack to his father. He flinched as his father ripped it open and threw everything on the bed from the backpack. Cas could feel tears rolling off of his cheeks and clinging to his chin before dropping as his father found them. Lucifer's hands shook as he held them, looking through the note again and about to speak before his eyes landed on a paper on the bed.

"I haven't seen this," he said and Cas cursed himself for forgetting about the essay tucked away in the mass of papers. "It's an A+ too. Why haven't I seen this?" Lucifer demanded, voice growing angrier.

Cas's entire body trembled and he struggled to stay standing. He stood military hushed as his father slowly lowered himself on the bed to read the essay. It took him about 20 minutes to read it through over. Lucifer looked up at him and Cas stopped breathing. His eyes were absolutely blank. Not a single emotion in them. His father stood up and stormed out of the room. Cas crumbled to the ground, chest heaving. His eyes wide and panicked like an animal caught in a trap, which he might as well have been. But he wouldn't even know where to begin chewing his leg off to escape. So instead, he crawled into his bed and moved to the far corner. He knew the blanket he was clutching wouldn't do much to protect him but it was all he had.

He waited, his breathing the only discernible noise in the house. Every rustle from a tree outside or change of light when a car passed by the streetlight made him cringe. The clock hit a little past 11 when his door opened again. It reeked. He looked at the half empty bottle his father was holding. Cas opened his mouth to say something, anything.

He closed it when the ornament went flying past his head and shattered against the wall.

"You ungrateful," Lucifer started, swaying as the stepped into the room. "Little. Slut."

"Please dad," Cas begged trying to move himself way from the small dent in the wall and the ceramic pieces. "I didn't mean-"

"No." Was all he said before yanking Cas back from the corner and taking out the bracelet and the necklace. "No." Lucifer repeated trying his hands together with them.

Cas closed his eyes and let out a whimper.

He was going to miss the project deadline. He was going to let Sam down.

But of course when the last day rolled around that wasn't Sam's worry. Friday morning Sam lingered around the corner he and Cas met at every morning, confused. Dean stayed with him.

"He's probably just late," Dean told him, huddled in his jacket.

"Late... right," Sam said looking around at the people walking into the school. "Except, you know he's _never _late."

Dean glanced down at his brother but chose not to comment. Because his brother did have a point. Sam's worry doubled when he didn't see him in English, and went into full blown panic mode when he didn't show up at the library. Something was wrong. Seriously wrong. And he refused to believe it was Cas being sick. If anything Cas had been healthier than ever, growing taller and looking older, which wasn't surprising with his birthday around the corner, and putting meat onto his bones.

"Cas should be here," Sam told himself as he sat in the library alone, tucked away towards the back. Instead of working on the project he pulled out the student hand book to check if there were addresses in it. He was pretty sure he knew how to get to Cas' but he'd like to double check to make sure. The only thing he found were phone numbers. Frustrated Sam stared at the student handbook considering his options. He already knew Dean was weary of the house, and he'd probably drive them home first and ask their dad's permission before going over. But all his dad would do is maybe call. Once. So Sam decided to lie.

He found Dean after school and put on his best good mood face. "He's okay."

Dean relaxed and his body dropped a little, even though all he said was, "Good. Told you everything was fine."

Sam nodded continuing, "Whatever, jerk. There's no shame in worrying about your friends."

"Whatever you say, bitch." Dean shot back with a grin. "Ready?"

"No, if you'd let me finish. They called the English teacher we have. Some stuff happened but Cas and his dad are picking me up from school so that we can get the project done and then I'll be home."

Dean's shoulders froze and his jaw clenched. "Is that so?" His eye twitched. He didn't like this. At all.

"Don't be paranoid. We know his aunt's been sick and there was a relapse thing. But they'er fine, I'll be with an adult and Cas, Dean. We can trust Cas."

"It's not Cas I have an issue with," Dean responded frowning tightly. "You're not going."

"Dean, this thing is like 50% of our grade!" Sam fought back.

"And I said no, do it some other time."

"There is no other time. Just because you don't take your work seriously doesn't mean the rest of us slack off."

"Sam. I don't trust that fucking house."

"Dad seems to think they're fine. Anyway, I'm going to wait at the loop," Sam shot back stubbornly walking off. He hadn't accounted for his brother's instincts. He'd managed to storm his way all the way outside before Dean finally caught up with him.

"I don't like this, why can't I drive you?" Dean complained, feeling he'd already lost a part of the argument. Damn Winchester stubbornness stretched to Sam too.

"Because they're already on their way," Sam said crossing his arms and huddling in his jacket.

"I'm waiting with you then," Dean replied crossing his own arms, daring Sam to fight back.

Sam shrugged his shoulders but his brain was working quickly on an escape plan. The snow was coming down pretty hard, and some of the cars were a little less than recognizable. He went over the route to Cas' mentally. He figured he could find a few shortcuts. He glanced at his brother who was stubbornly staring into practically nothing, teeth chattering. A hit van about the size of Cas' father's was just pausing on the other side of the street, ready to leave. "There they are!" Sam said loudly, surprising Dean as he sprinted across the two lanes.

"SAM!" Dean yelled angrily, trying to follow but the line of cars moved forward blocking his path.

"I'll be home in a few hours!" Sam yelled back, disappearing behind the car and shimmying past it as it began to move. He took a sharp turn and a quick sprint way from it as it took off out of the loop.

Two hours later Sam had decided this had not been his best plan. He played with the phone in his pocket, wondering whether or not to call Dean or his dad and which one was going to be more pissed. It was getting a little freezing. "One more street," he told himself as he turned another corner. "Yes!" he exclaimed as he finally saw the street sign he'd been looking for at the end of the street. With renewed vigor he made it to the house. He didn't slow down until he hit the driveway. Staring at the dark house he felt something was wrong. Swallowing his nerves, and telling himself Cas was more important than a few spooky vibes, he stepped up. He took in a deep breath and rang the doorbell. Sam shuffled nervously from foot to foot and glanced at his cellphone clock. Already after 6 and a missed call from their dad. He tucked the phone away just as the door opened.

The smell of alcohol hit him like a brick wall. He almost gagged. He'd never smelt anything so bad. He looked up at the slightly swaying older man. "Uhm, Mr. Novak?"

"How can I help you?" Lucifer said leaning forward a little bit, not turning on the porch light.

Sam swallowed nervously, warning bells going off in his head. "Uhm, I"m Sam. If you remember." If it had been any other situation Sam would've hightailed it away from the porch the second the door had opened but he had to ask about Cas. "Cas didn't show up to school today, we have a project due and-"

Lucifer cut him off looking behind him, "What are you doing here so late on your own?"

"Oh, I was dropped off."

"Were you now," Lucifer said his voice starting to coat with honey. Sam's gut clenched a little. He knew by the tone that Cas' dad knew that he was there by himself. "I bet you walked all the way here." Sam clenched his teeth together. "Well, come on it. You look frozen to death. Cas is inside. He'd never forgive me if I let his best friend freeze to death." Sam almost didn't catch the slight sneer in the way he said 'best friend.' Sam hesitated not wanting to go in. 'It's just alcohol,' he told himself as he felt his body prepare to sprint off. 'Cas is in there, and you need to make sure he's okay'. 'Quit being such a coward.' He followed Lucifer in and took his shoes off politely at the entrance. Sam looked around the mostly dark house, the TV playing and the lit fireplace in the background. But no sign of Cas. He opened his mouth to ask when Lucifer placed a hand on his shoulder. "Shh, he's a little sensitive to noise right now."

"Oh," Sam said stupidly, hushing his voice automatically. He let himself be guided by Cas' dad to the kitchenette area and Sam's nerves continued to rise. The entire place felt so different from his own home. This was clinical, almost too clean. If he hadn't known better he'd say Lucifer lived there by himself. There were no traces that a child had ever been under the same roof. He turned to ask more forcefully where Cas was but swallowed it down. Lucifer was staring at him without so much as one blink.

"You're very cute you know," Lucifer said walking over into the kitchen and pouring himself another cup of whatever it was on his breath that smelled. "He said you were younger but look at how tall you are.

"I think I should call my dad," Sam stammered out, reaching into his pocket for the cellphone he'd been fiddling with earlier.

Lucifer's expression dropped and Sam found his phone taken from him and thrown across the room onto the couch. Before he can get a noise out he's shoved against the wall by the much stronger older body, and a hand clasped tightly around his mouth, the other (once free of the cellphone) going to his neck. "You'll like this," Lucifer whispered, hiccuping a little into Sam's ear, "Cassie does."

Sam felt bile crawl up his throat as his too clever brain pulled the strings together. Where the hell was Cas?

Sam felt tears and self hatred rise up at the same time. He shouldn't have lied. He should've gotten his brother. When the wheels of his brain started to function more again he found himself trying to lift his leg to kick Cas' dad. After all, it wasn't like the Winchester's hadn't been taught how to fight. No self respecting father with a marine history would let that escape the lesson plan. Lucifer stumbled back a bit as Sam struggled against the grip but he could only wheeze, half in pain and half because he couldn't breathe as he was slammed back against the wall.

"Stop," Lucifer commanded, squeezing Sam's throat tighter. "I don't like noise."

Sam let out another desperate wheeze, trying to pry the older man's hands off, his head becoming dizzy and clouded. His kicks and trashing becoming weaker. Tears started fully falling as Cas' dad lifted his shirt up and their skin connected. "No," Sam wheezed out, wincing at the thumb digging further into his throat. It hurt so much.

"DAD!"

Sam registered the voice in the back of his head but couldn't move his head to look at the owner. 'Cas' he thought weakly.

"What are you doi- whats- Sam." Words jumbled together and the more words flowed from Cas the easier it seemed to breathe.

"Dad."

Sam felt himself turned around and pulled against Lucifer's body from the wall.

"Let him go."

"No Cassie, I won't. I think he wants me just like you do. I have to admit, I see the charm," his father said, running a hand across Sam's chest, "why you would disobey."

Cas' hands started shaking as he took a step forward, anger roaring in his chest. "Dad. Let him go. Now."

"Tell me Cassie. Is Sam as good of a kisser as the older brother?"

Before Lucifer could turn Sam's head up Cas dashed forward. His father staggered back, hands flying off of Sam and into the air to try and find purchase. One arm landed on a chair but his weight is too skewed by the alcohol and he falls to the ground. "Did you just push me?!" his father roared out. Cas ignored him and dragged Sam from the floor and backwards into the hallway.

"Cas?" Sam wheezed out, disoriented.

Eyes wide with panic as his father gets up, angry and cheeks flushed red, he kneels down to grab Sam's shoes and shoves them into his arms. He pushed them both towards the door. "Cas," Sam repeats, reaching out a hand to touch the bruise on Cas' eye turning purple as oxygen returns to his brain.

"Sam. Leave. Right now. Leave, run, get home, NOW," he chair scrapes angrily as his father throws it behind him and to the ground- "And do not come back. Understand. Do. Not. Come. Back." Cas ripped the door open and shoved Sam out of it just as his father reaches them. He throws himself against the door and his shoved aside roughly as Lucifer tries to open it. Lucifer made it about halfway and they find Sam still standing there. "Run!" Cas screamed, pushing past his father and running outside to push Sam further down the street.

Sam finally takes off running as Cas tackles his father.

"You should not have done that," Lucifer ground out, dragging Cas by his hair and shirt back into the house.

"I've been so nice to you."

Cas hits the table.

"I've been so gentle."

He's dragged back up by his arm and thrown down the hallway towards his bedroom.

"You, useless, ungrateful brat."

Cas is dragged back up from where he crumbled to the floor by his hair the rest of the way to the bedroom. He staggers around and hears a soft sound of leather being pulled out of belt loops.

"This is your fault!"

Cas falls backwards into his bed as metal catches him across his forehead.

"All your fault! And your mother! That damned harpie mother of yours!"

Another hard smack and Cas' nose is bleeding. His vision starts to blur.

"And I still loved you and her bastard son."

Somewhere in the back of his head Cas realizes his clothes are being taken off.

"Loved you in the best way possible."

There's knocking somewhere in the distance.

"You stupid, child."

Louder knocking.

Someone yelling. And pain. Searing pain.

"You will remember me. And what you did. You will carry this lesson the rest of your life. You will learn."

A crash and a loud booming voice. Cas thinks he feels blood.

Then flashing lights and loud voices. He wonders who the sirens are for.

And finally, nothing.

**A/N: . 2 / The Christmas coda (All I Want For Christmas; goes until halfway through his chapter.) **


	15. Stray Child

**Re-written Dec. 8th 2012. **

**Chapter 15 part 1: Stray Child**

Dean Winchester was not having the best of days. His best days included a win for his favorite teams (whatever sport season was on), a nice hot, fresh meal with some pie after, and a little good night session before bed. Having his brother disappear on him was much closer to the day he was playing around Mary's old car and knocked the parking break loose and sent it down the hill into his aunt's car. Or when he'd chosen not to quit rough housing with Ash and knocked straight over into the cabinet with the nice china plates their grandma had left them, and broken every single one of them. No, this was not a good day for Dean Winchester.

He'd sworn, as he slammed his hand down on the hood of the car that had effectively cut him off from Sam, to deal with the god damn cold. He'd taken off across the street, eyeing the car that Sam had said Cas' father's car. "Sammy, Sammy, Sammy," he grit out between his teeth, frustrated. His little brother was a shit liar a, and b, probably should've remembered that Dean had worked on Lucifer's car before. And if Dean had a knack for anything, it was cars. He'd taken off a little bit behind the path he assumed his brother ditched towards. Realizing he was never going to catch up he sprinted through the parking lot and across the parking lot and across the small hill that was between the football field and the main school building, and into the student parking lot.

AS he slid into his car, he also wished that he had tires that handled snow a little better. He revved up the Impala and twisted in his seat, making sure no one was behind him, before peeling out of the parking lot as safely as he could. He may have cut off one or two people. Dean pulled the phone out of his pocked and immediately dialed Sam. After 8 chain calls messages and a few angry voice mails didn't help he concentrated on tracing Sam's route with his car. It would be greatly in his interest if he found Sam before having to call their dad. He couldn't even make up a single strong excuse in his head as to how he would've let Sam sprint off like that. At that point, Dean wasn't dumb enough to assume this little adventure had anything to do with grades but something else. The bile in his stomach building up didn't give him any fun ideas. Hell, his stomach hadn't calmed down yet from the fact that Sam had blatantly lied to him. Yeah, they fibbed and poked around, but this?

Dean stared angrily at the road ahead and glared, his hands shaking on the wheel.

"Damn it, Sammy!" he cursed, slamming the dashboard with an open palm.

What the hell was so special about Cas that he'd lie to his own brother? Despite the personal feelings Dean had been working through for the boy. It was no excuse. Dean mulled the thought over as he chewed on his chapped lips. It wasn't that he could completely dismiss his brother's concern. Hell, Dean's return to school had been heavily peppered with interesting day dream and thoughts he kept telling himself weren't his own. His porn preference had been shifting into bluer eyed, darker haired women too. Dean was still drowning even though he felt knee deep, in holding onto his heterosexuality. But at least he'd stopped arguing that Cas was going to grow up handsome. Not that it had anything to do with the situation, his mind was just rotating wheels as he drove around. Dean paid stern attention to every single person he saw passing on the street as he contemplated why Sam had run off. Yeah, he'd accepted that Cas was special to him too, and had done something special for him for christmas, but it wasn't like he was gonna go sprinting off aimlessly into the streets after lying to his brother.

"And then not answer his phone!" Dean yelled at his cellphone, after another redial. And Cas still didn't have a cell, and the Novak house number wasn't programmed into his phone so he had no way to reach anyone.

He looped the same drive twice, the distance he figured Sam could've gone on foot. "Fuck this."

At the end of his hunt Dean decided to just drive straight to the Novak household. Angry, but trying to contain himself as he marched up to the door and rang the doorbell, keeping his hands clenched tightly together in front of him. Rage filled door banging seemed a little off the kilter. It didn't take too long before Lucifer opened the door, looking confused with a glass of Brandy in his hand.

Dean's eyebrows shot to his hairline, "Isn't it a bit early?"

Lucifer's lip twitched in a downward motion but he simply took a sip and smiled, "Long work day, I'm sure you understand."

"Right.. hey, is my brother here" Dean asked bluntly.

"Your brother?" Lucifer said looking genuinely surprised, "I don't think I've ever even met him."

"Right. Well, he said he was coming over to see Cas," Dean said, and maybe if he hadn't been revving up all the alarms he had on finding Sam he might've remembered to ask about Cas' well being.

"No, he is not here. But I do have your father's number," Lucifer said with that slicked up smile that made Dean's gut clench in the worst of ways. "I'll call if I see him."

Huffing to himself Dean tears up a piece of a note card that had been left in his jacket from one of his classes, and dug around for a pen. Watching the motions, Lucifer simply retreated further into the house, sliding the door shut, before he returned with a pen. He took the card with Dean's cell on it wordlessly and then nodded a brief good bye while Dean jogged back to his car. Because he sprinted straight back to his car, Dean missed the way that Lucifer tapped the card against his lips, trying to hide a satisfied smile. He also wouldn't know that when Lucifer went back inside, he walks into Cas' room (where he is curled up on the bed) and gives the boy a cryptic 'thank you'.

What Dean doesn't know is that his brother should've gotten to the house by now if it hadn't been for the extra ways Sam tried to make his way there. So it's time to nut up for Dean for loosing his little brother. After one more loop. He can't help imagining what would happen if he got home without his brother. Dean drove around for a little longer, angry, and finally caved in and called their father. He was driving back towards the home stretch when a figure caught his eye.

"_Dean, Bobby said you called in late to work and then canceled? And why isn't Sam home?" _

"Sorry Dad," Dean swallows, as he watches the figure sprint as fast at it could across the street. "I-" And before he can finish his sentence he stepped on the gas and let his phone drop into the crevice between his seat and the gear shit.

Sam.

His tires screeched a little as he slid into a messy stop after overtaking Sam's path by a little bit. Dean vaulted out of the car and took off after the little shape of his brother, sprinting faster after being spooked by the sound of the car. "Damn it Sammy!" Dean yelled out, speeding up and tackling him to the ground.

The terrified screams that ripped out of Sam's throat made Dean want to vomit.

"Sam. Sam. It's me, Dean. Calm down, it's your brother," Dean said as he tried to hold onto his little brother, trying to soothe him with his hand running up and down Sam's back.

He couldn't tell what scared him the most. The tears, or the shaking. "Car. Now."

Sam struggled to his feet, breathing heavy, and clinging to Dean in a way he hadn't since he was about 5. Dean eases him into the passenger seat and slams his own door shut. He took a little time to examine Sam, but it was dark and he only remembered to start breathing again when their father's angry voice bellowed from between the seats. He picked up the phone and in a dismissal that he knows he'll get in trouble later for tells John that he'll call him back in a bit.

"Sam?" Dean's voice broke.

Sam just shook his head and buried his face in his hands. But when Dean leaned over to gather him in an almost awkward hug, Sam doesn't hesitate to lean in. Confusion, rage, and a huge urge to vomit ran through Dean as he listened to his baby brother sob into his arms.

"Sam?" Dean tried again.

This time Sam sat up and looked him straight in the eye. Dean's mouth sows itself shut as his jaw locks.

His brother looks haunted.

He scans his brain for a memory, but he'd never seen anything else in life, other than the eyes of some of their father's marines buddies, that looked as torn to shreds. Instead of speaking, Sam's shaking hands pull down the sweater he's wearing. There are lightly visible finger prints speckled around Sam's neck, and they look like they'd darken.

"What?" It sounds like a mouse squeak.

Sam only breaks down again, shuddered, and started rubbing at his body like he was trying to scrub his skin off.

"C-cas' – d- da-ad." Sam hiccups finally.

Two instincts light fire in Dean's chest.

The first, is to step on the gas and drive his car straight through the Novak family living room, shatter a bottle of that obnoxious Brandy that Lucifer was drinking, and shove the broken shards up the man's ass. Probably followed by the emptying of the extra container he kept of gasoline in the Impala's trunk, and a very satisfying human bonfire. The second, is the one that curls around his shoulders and his stomach. Cradling his anger. And his rage. The second makes him look at his brother and decide that they need to get to the emergency room. He has to make sure Sam is safe first. Vengeance can wait. Dean doesn't call their father until he's given the short, muddled synopsis of the story to the ER staff. Somewhere during the talk with the staff, Sam's little explosions of random words create enough of a story for the staff to call the police. A little confused feeling anger leaps up in Dean's chest at the idea of the police being involved. They'll get what they deserve.

Even as Dean gives his father the few bits of information he got out of Sam, and his father hangs up on the phone cursing and spitting, Dean doesn't remember to actually be worried about Cas. His anger turns to wrath as he watched nervously the hover nurses go over his brother's injuries. All he can feel is a deep sense of betrayal and he couldn't pinpoint why.

The Winchester's end up missing Cas in the hospital. From Sam's panicked little quips, they'd gathered enough to realize that another child was in immediate danger and dispatchers were needed. Sam was in a cushy room with his father holding him fiercely, Dean half ripping out his hair in the corner (head hung low), when an ambulance came speeding alone the ramp at the back of the building.

The stretcher bounced when it hit the ground as a team of doctors and nurses raced along with the EMT's to bring in the child, his limp hand bouncing with every step.

'Shock,' was a word that was tossed around as they squeezed into an elevator and straight up to the nearest open surgery room.

There was no one waiting for that child as they pushed past the doors.

And there would be no one waiting for him when he woke up for a delirious fifteen minutes, to a pale blue and white room, that smelled a little too bleached.


	16. Mad World

**A/N: Re-written Dec. 9th 2012**

**Chapter 15 part 2; Mad World**

Uriel didn't think anything could make him quit anything he was on, cold turkey.

It had taken two days for someone to track him down.

Cas was pretty sure he was hallucinating when he woke up for the first time.

"Hello." A soft, and raspy tired squeak escapes Uriel. And not in the way that smoking cigarettes gives you, but when you've been cursing the world too loudly for too long.

Cas blinked his eyes lazily at the, what had to be a mirage, of his older brother sitting, concerned, at Cas' bedside. His head hurt and the lights were way too bright. He wondered if he took too much of his anxiety medication and that's why he felt woozy. It wasn't until he starts panicking about his whereabouts, his heart monitor skyrocketing, that things start to come back in pieces. Painful, colorful, pieces that send him into a hyperventilating fit and then into darkness again. The next time he wakes, his brother doesn't appear as hazy but there are dried tear tracks on Uriel's cheeks. His brother stands up from the chair he'd scooted next to the bed and slides up along the side of the bed. He lays his hand across his little brother's forehead and the other hand clenching Cas' hand tightly. Cas hadn't even noticed they'd been holding hands.

"I didn't know-" came the broken phrase, in pieces and whines from the back of the throat, followed by a sob that Cas couldn't believe belonged to his older brother. There was no way it could've. Uriel didn't cry, or whine, or sob for anything.

Cas' brain struggled to fully catch up with everything that was going on. He was just happy to have his brother spending some time with him. Not matter the circumstances he was going to push forward. It felt good to spend any time with his brother. "Didn't know what?" cam Cas' tired, slurred answer. But it had come out way too quiet and Uriel hadn't heard it. So instead, he rambled on, hands shaking. Cas wondered for a moment if his brother was coming down from something.

"I didn't know." Came the broken phrase again.

"Ok," was the soft, slow response. Cas still wasn't sure what he was supposed to be saying.

"God damn it, it's not. It's not," his brother said, teeth clenched trying to control his rage. If he wanted to be allowed to stay with his little brother until their aunt hit the ground, he'd have to control his temper. And having failed at just about every other aspect of being an older brother, this was the last he could attempt to do. "I swear. If I'd known. Castiel," Uriel shook his head, turning up to the ceiling and blinked, trying to wipe the moisture from his eyes. "I"m gonna kill him" he hissed out low, "I'm gonna fucking kill him."

Cas tried to sit up to ask 'who', his head leaning a little and his brother's anger starting to distress him, when a sharp pain erupted along his spine and he had to double over. He let out a log whimper and Uriel immediately snapped at the nearest nurse to hook up another bag of morphine.

Oh.

Unlike the first set of flashbacks when he woke, this one settled in slowly. It probably helped that the ache that he was becoming more aware of was dulled off by his shock. Cas almost laughed at that. He sat up with a wince and leaned back against the pillows. He took in a deep breath and ran through the pictures forming in his head of the last night he was coherent for. There was something he was supposed to remember. Something very important. It wasn't the first time Cas had ended up in the hospital, but it was the first time he had such a hard time with his recollection of events. He took a slow inventory of his injuries as his brother watched, shamefaced and his hands now clenched together. Cas brought his hand up and ran a gentle touch across the stitches along his stitched up scars.

Oh. The table.

Cas examined his arms and took note of the stammering of bruises in the shapes of fingers. His hand found a few deep cuts with little bits of surgical tape over them. 'Must've been the metal on the belt,' Cas thought to himself. He only stopped looking around when a nurse cam in and they go through a 'how do you feel' tango and he gets new medicine pumped into him.

There's still something not right.

He thinks he remembers being punished for a paper... and gifts...

"Sam!" Cas screams out, lurching forward in his bed, ignoring the pain and the IV drip. He attempts to crawl off the bed. The only reason he didn't make a successful plummet to the floor, machines dragged with him, was his older brother moving in and enveloping him; holding him down. "Sam!" Cas repeated, panicked and struggling against his older brother and making noises akin to an animal in quick sand. He almost elbowed out of Uriel's arms but after five minutes of listening to his brother beg, each word becoming more garbled, he let himself stop moving. Cas' eyes were fierce and clear, like a night sky lit up under blue lightning. "Sam. Uriel, this is important. Where's Sam?" Cas' brain felt like it was running on overtime. If Sam didn't make it... If he'd passed out in the hospital... What if his father...

"Sam's fine," Uriel said with a frown. He'd heard that the kid had been the reason the police were even called in the first place, but he hadn't been given the details on the kid's involvement. But he'd also been told that Sam had been discharged from the hospital soon after being looked over. Cas' eyes watered and he took in a deep, shaking breath, a smile blossoming across his face (although it looked wrong and scared. But he didn't know what other expression to put on).

"Sam's okay. Good." Cas swallowed thickly and hiccuped. "Sam's okay."

Uriel pulled his chair slower, wiping his face again to clear it of the tear streaks that lingered. "Sam's just fine. But you're not. You've been out for two days."

"Two days," Cas whispered softly, shivering a little. "I must have really angered dad."

Uriel inhaled and his breath shook. He clenched his teeth together and wished for nothing more than a bottle of booze, a few lines, and some tabs. Anything. But he wasn't stupid enough to think that the hospital staff would let him stay if he was high. His legs bounced up and down thinking about it. "Cassie," he started and then pinched himself hard in the arm when he saw his brother recoil. "Cas," he amended, using the nickname he'd hear Dean Winchester use for his brother. "I swear to you, I didn't know. I would've never..." Uriel shook his head, "I would... have never..." his voice died down. "I should've been there." The admission came out almost too queit for Cas to hear.

"You didn't know," Cas whispers out, in awe.

Uriel's head snapped up, wide eyed and slack jawed he spoke, "No. No. God no. I had no idea. I should've. I – But I had no idea. I should've been there to save you."

The morphine kicks in again as Cas relaxes into the pillow, a wistful smile on his face. "You don't hate me," he mumbled out, drifting away.

His older brothers face scrunched up, and he felt like taking a Glock to his head. Because yeah, for a long time. He did. He did hate his brother, his baby brother. He had hated Cas with every fiber of his being. He reached out to hold his brother's hand again. "No. No I don't hate you."

"Good, cause dad said..." Cas mumbled out slowly, head falling comfortably further into the pillow.

"Dad's a liar," Uriel responded, his voice shaking. Cas smiled a little and within five minutes he was passed out again and Uriel ran to the bathroom to dunk his head into ice cold water. He ran his hands through the icy water and tried to get his breathing regulated.

Uriel tells the police that come in a few hours later that he'd notify someone when Cas was awake and coherent enough for interrogation. For now, he was going to try and take a page out of Dean Winchester's brother quota and try and be a decent older brother for once. If he could do nothing else, he could make sure Cas had a long, pain-free sleep. As he sat, watching the heart monitors slow beeps, he didn't know which was more painful. Having left his brother with their father, or that he'd for a second believed Lucifer about how 'good' Cas was. He hadn't felt so young and stupid in many, many years. Not since the first day that he understood what his step-father was doing to him.

And he had to decide, yes. Watching his baby brother, definitely felt worse than any bruises he'd ever carried.


	17. Caressing Concrete

**Re-Written December 9th 2012 **

**Chapter 16: Caressing Concrete **

Dean stood next to his father and watched, with identically clenched fists and tight set jaws, as a nurse thoroughly examined Sam. After awhile they'd drawn the curtains for privacy and Dean felt like he had to vomit. A few hours later, his legs stiff and with white knuckles, Sam had been cleared from a night stay in the hospital. There was no major physical trauma. Hearing that Dean almost knocked over one of the trays they had sitting out in the room. How the hell were the bruises around his brother's neck not physical trauma? They had suggested to keep Sam overnight but his wide eyes and sharp intake of breath made the choice for them.

"I want to go home," he whispered, his voice breaking halfway through the sentence. Dean stayed to keep an eye on his brother as their dad went to fill out release paper work. They'd had offices drop by briefly but the catatonic state Sam had been in when he'd first arrive hadn't given them much to work with. John had stepped in and promised to arrange something the next day and told them where they could be found as well as his phone number. John just wanted to take his son home.

Every so often Sam's stare would twitch, and his eyes would go a little wide, breath hitching as he bit his lip and curl himself into his own arms tightly, shaking his head as if to get the memory of whatever he was thinking of out. And then the blanks stare would continue. Dean stepped out of the room as quickly as he could and threw a solid punch against the wall, growling, "God damn it" as he swung. He immediately regretted it as Sam jumped from his spot on the stretch bed at the sound. Before Dean had a chance to rush in an apologize his father's strong hand came to rest on his shoulder.

"That's not going to help Sam," he said, eyes dark and his voice a low rumble. The reprimand didn't feel as harsh as it could've because Dean could tell by the shake of his father's hand that he wasn't alone in wanting to indulge in a little bit of senseless destruction. Dean ground his teeth together and took in a deep breath. Nodding his head, he walked back into the room and started to gather Sam's jacket and his other few belongings; he'd noticed when he grabbed his brother that his book bag wasn't with him. Anger flamed up in his chest again, just imagining the situation that would've made his brother leave all of his prized belongings behind. He made sure not to look at Sam so that he couldn't see the rage burning in his eyes. Instead, he gave his brother a tight hug and rubbed his back before saying, softly, "Come on Sammy. Let's go home."

Sam nodded weakly into Dean's neck and he pulled back. Dean double checked the room for anything that was theirs while John held onto Sam outside of the room. The ride home was tense and silent. Dean opted to sit in the back of his dad's truck with his brother. Snow started falling again and the only reaction Sam gave the entire ride was watching those little star flakes fall to the ground. Sam's ushered out of the car and towards the house. Halfway into the hallway, Sam freezes up and just stares straight ahead. John and Dean share a concerned look and then their father walks ahead to turn all the lights on in the house. Sam relaxes.

"Come on, kiddo," Dean says quietly, not knowing what else to do. They'd been given some basics on how to handle the situation by the staff but it doesn't make it any easier. As Sam shuffles his way into their house he wonders if they should've made Sam stay the night at the hospital. The second that thought crossed his mind he remembers how his brother panicked in those white walls and decides they can handle whatever comes, as long as his brother is home. First, he thinks about taking his brother straight upstairs but with one look at the warm couch he directs him into the living room. While Sam sits down, John is already in the kitchen making some of Mary's soup, and running hot water for tea. It's supposed to be relaxing. Dean turns the TV on and searches for something Sam might want. Finding nothing he pulls up the On Demand screen and scrolls until he finds one of Sam's favorite documentaries.

"Hey dad," Dean quips. His father turns around and Dean points to the screen with the remote. It would cost them extra money to get the particular 'movie'. John just nodded his head and Dean selects it. He spends the next few minutes finding all the family blankets in the house and building his brother a little blanket fort. Dean sat down next to Sam and pulled his brother closer and was reward with a small upturn of his brother's lips. Even if it didn't quite reach his eyes, Dean counted it as a small victory.

They watch the documentary quietly for a bit before Dean speaks up, "You want to talk about it?"

Sam freezes up next to him for a little, followed by a shake of his head. "Can't right now," comes out from Sam, shaky and muffled by the layers of blankets he's curled himself into.

"Okay."

Their father walks into the living room and he and Dean share another look. John brings the fold out table in front of Sammy and puts down a hot bowl of Mary's soup, tea, and a piece of bread freshly heated. "Here you go kid. Mom's recipe," John says as he scoots it to where Sam can reach. He pauses for a second and then runs his hand through his sons hair, eyes staring at the ceiling. Sam sat up and tentatively took the spoon into his hand and stars blowing on the soup.

"I'll be right back." Dean looked up at his dad, who gives him a look. He needs to go blow off some steam. Dean leans against the couch and turns up the TV a little more as their father steps out into the backyard and disappears into the shadows. He can vaguely hear the scrape of their gate door as it slides open and then slams shut. Dean turns the volume on the TV up a few notches.

"I'm tired," comes the shaky admission from Sam as he puts down the spoon into his empty bowl.

Dean's thoughts snap out of the dark spiral he'd been festering since his father left, and silence took over the room. "Okay," he said, sitting up. "You want me to go get your pillows?"

Sam shook his head and took in a deep breath, "No. I'd like to sleep in my room. If that's okay?"

"What? Yeah, of course. Whatever you want Sammy," Dean replied, frowning. He figured out of anything Sam wouldn't want to be alone, but if he wanted his own room that's what he would get. It wasn't like he knew much about how people reacted in these situations. He figured that he'd want to be safe and warm around his family, with the TV on and sleeping on the couch while Dean would take the floor.

"Thanks."

Dean swallowed thickly and moved the fold out table out of the way. His voice shook a little as he said, "You're not... you're not going to do...anything, right?" As the words leave his mouth, his gut twists a little. He's heavily reminded of the fact that he doesn't know how to help his baby brother. Sam just shook his head in response and stood up to hug Dean.

"I just," Sam started and then stopped, shoulders shaking bit, "I just. Need a little-" there was another deep breath.

"Right," Dean supplied, figuring out where his brother state was at. It wasn't like he was foreign to the concept of someone needing a little bit of time to their-selves. Especially since things had happened pretty fast and the nurses had told them that Sam would need some time to mentally pull himself out of the shock haze; and that the hardest part would start once reality set in. He'd just figured the 'lone wolf, deal with it myself', was more of a Dean Winchester thing than a Sam thing. Sam thanked him again and Dean watched as his heart sank further and further into his stomach, palms tingling, while his brother retreated upstairs and into his room.

The door opened and John came back in, cheeks flushed and a little out of breath.

"I'm going to the garage," Dean announced, rage swirling in his chest now that Sam wasn't there to see it.

"I'll let Bobby know so he doesn't call the cops," his father replied, eyes flitting to the stairs.

"He's in his room," Dean said after seeing his father's eyes travel, immediately after he turned and sprinted towards the door. He'd kept an excellent check on his temper. Dean ripped the keys from their holder and didn't even bother to grab a jacket. Anger would keep his skin warm. He slid into the Impala, turned the music blasting and speed his way to the garage. He didn't even bother driving all the way in, instead leaving his car sitting out in front of the yard and opening the gate with the spare key he had. Dean strode, his movements getting faster as he walked, to the nearest scrap junker he could find. Grabbing a heavy bolt screw that had been let on top of a pile, he pulled his arm back and let it fly straight into a windshield of the car. His shoulders lifted and the feeling in his chest flared at the spiderweb that and the sharp sound of cracking that was left behind by the piece of metal.

He reached further into another pile of random shit and pulled out a long, squarish piece of metal that had once been a part of a frame of a car, and stormed over to the rusted Chevy. Dean took a solid stance and let the swing fly from his shoulders, through his arms, and the rage exploded at the same time that he shattered the entire windshield that the bolt had earlier landed in.

"God."

Dean took another swing, shards skittering across the hood of the car.

"Fucking!"

Two palm sized chunks flew back into the car seat.

"DAMN IT!"

And with two more swings half of the windshield was gone. Dean knelt in the glass, grabbing his short hair between his fingers and pulling tightly; an angry yell soaring out of his chest into the night sky and echoing across the quiet yard. Not feeling any better, Dean grabbed the same piece of metal and started hacking away at the side mirrors on the car, letting out angry grunts with every swing until one of the mirrors went flying into the air, smashing into another car. Chest heaving with exhaustion, Dean let himself drop to the ground, feeling a few pokes of sharp glass through his jeans; but he wasn't exactly in a mood to care. He thought about Sam, in his room at the moment, and how there was nothing he could do. This wasn't a problem a big brother could fix. This was a problem he couldn't even imagine how to start fixing.

How could he have let it happen?

Dean let the cold sink into his skin while his bare arms were covered in a small layer of snow.

God damn, sick, fuck.

Wrath reared its head again as Dean thought about Cas' dad. That creepy, slimey motherfucker. And Cas had called Lucifer overprotective... and normal... and...

How could Cas have let this happen?

What sounded like a mix between a growl and a sob erupted from Dean as he stood up and took one more swing at the car... It's into the early AM's by the time Dean makes it home. He figured at the very least getting frostbite wouldn't be on the list of things that would help Sam. The lights are all still on when he gets home, and John is still up, staring blankly at the TV. Dean thinks for a moment he sees a red rim around his father's eyes but doesn't mention it. Instead he just sits down on the couch for a second.

"Your mother is out of reach until tomorrow. They don't have a phone in the immediate vicinity for her to make a long distance call from. She went on a run a little deeper into the country," John said, his voice hoarse and tired.

"Fuck," Dean muttered, putting his head between his hands. His dad doesn't even admonish him for the curse. They sat like that in silence for awhile before Dean stood up, clapping his father on the shoulder (who returned the gesture) and dragged himself upstairs. Before Dean headed into his own room, he paused by Sam's door and hears quiet sobbing. Not caring about usual protocol, he moves into his brother's room and leaves the door a little cracked. His brother is curled up at the edge of the bed, one pillow in his arms and his head buried into the second. Sam's body shakes harder than his sobs sound and Dean lets the rage pool somewhere in the back of his spine. It can take a back seat.

He walks over to his brother and sat down on the bed. It took him only two seconds to wonder if it was appropriate to to be schmoozy like they were as kids. He lies down on the bed and pulls one strong arm around his brother's shoulders and squeezes him tightly against his chest.

"It's okay Sammy. I've got you."

Sam's shoulders hitch.

"It's okay. I've got you."

Sam sleeps until mid-afternoon the next day As Dean and John walk around the house with hushed voices. Every so often, one of them will start to get angry and they have to remind each other that Sam is still sleeping.

"I can pick up some extra shifts if we need more money for therapy," Dean said over a cup of coffee, his eyes red rimmed. He'd stayed up most of the night with Sam until his brother's breathing had evened out and the hiccuping stopped.

"Don't worry about it," his father replied, shaking his head as they looked over a list that the hospital had provided them for after care tips. "We'll figure it out." John took in a deep breath and tried to start his sentence a few times before being able to continue. "They're sending a general, something rather, I don't remember what the hell they are but, they're sending a therapist to talk to Sam, about. Well. The cops are gonna be here too later and," John's sentence trailed off, his eyes a little wide. Those were words he'd never expected to utter. Hell, Dean had gotten into trouble plenty of times as a kid, so it wasn't like police officer wasn't in the family vocabulary; just not like this. His own emotions started to crawl out and he slammed them down tight, letting his emotional conditioning from the marines take over. Breaking down wouldn't help, getting angry wouldn't help. Taking steps to make sure Sam would start the road to recovery right would help, and Sam _would _recover; the world be damned.

"Sam's a tough kid, dad," Dean said, trying assure himself more than his father if truth were told.

"Yeah, he is," his father agreed; the words coming out of his mouth slowly and heavily, followed by a sigh.

There was creaking above them and they both stood up a little straighter, waiting for Sam to come down. A few tense seconds later, Sam's feet peeked at the top of the stairs and he made his way down, bleary eyed. He almost seemed normal, like any other morning, until he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror in the hallway, and his hand flew to his throat to cover the bruises.

"Hey... hey," Dean said softly, running up to his brother and turning him away from the mirror and steering him into the kitchen. Sam trembled a little under his hands as he guided him to a chair.

"Food?" John asked, moving into the kitchen getting out everything he could imagine he needed to cook any of Sam's favorite food's.

"I thought it was nightmare," Sam whispered out, instead of replying to the question.

Dean sat next to his brother while his father began cooking. He rubbed his hand up and down Sam's back. "I wish it was Sammy."

He watched as his brother's hands fisted tightly into the hem of his shirt. The tremors lessened as Sam tried to control his breathing. "I need to- I need to talk to," he paused and scrunched his eyes shut.

"We've got officers and a therapist lady coming over okay?" Dean said with what he hoped was an encouraging smile, "That bastard is never going to touch you again."

Sam nodded and tried to say something more when the doorbell rang. John nodded and Dean went up to get it.

"Speak of the devil," Dean muttered as a greeting at the two officers and what he assumed was the therapist. "Uhm, come on in," he said side stepping, after asking to see their badges. John had taught him to never let anyone official into the house that wouldn't show their credentials. He led them into the living room kitchenette area where Sam was sitting, his face pale.

"Sam, correct?" the brown haired woman of the group said with a warm smile. She sat down across from him and held out her hand, "I'm Jenifer, my job is to help kids that've been hurt."

"You're a therapist," Sam said as he gave her hand a quick shake.

"Something like that," she responded with the same small smile. "I don't like calling myself that though. I'm not here to take you apart and poke at you. I'm here to help the best way I can. Try and make you feel safe while these nice officers ask you some questions. Is that going to be okay? Because you don't have to answer right now if you're not capable."

Sam paused staring at the two other officers, and even Dean had to admit they'd picked a friendly looking group. "Okay."

The two officers introduce themselves and sat down, John turning off the stove in the kitchen and bringing water cups to the table. Before questioning could begin Sam's eyes flashed to Dean. "I don't... I don't want you to hear this," Sam whispered out, shame vibrant behind his eyes. One day, he might be able to tell Dean the details, but not now. He just couldn't. Dean tried to mask his hurt but knew some of it flashed through. He was just glad that Sam had stopped looking at him. This was about Sam, not him. He swallowed and clenched his fists together. A part of him understood, if it was him he wasn't sure if he'd be comfortable sharing all the details with his brother but this wasn't... he was supposed to be there for him. He'd already failed once. Hell, his father hadn't even approached the subject yet of how Sam had gotten away from him. But after this, it was sure to come. So Dean just took in a deep breath and leaned over to rub Sam's hair a little.

"Okay," it hurt to see his brother relax at the word. He looked at their father, "I'll be at the garage. Got some stuff to clean up anyway."

"I'll call you when we're all done here," John said, standing up and walking Dean to the start of the hallway. Under his breath he whispered, "Listen Dean. Your brother, he just-"

"Yeah I know," Dean cut in, his chest stinging a bit. "It's what I would do."

John gave his son an endearing smiled and pulled him into a quick, one armed hug. "He's gonna need you when things pick up speed." Dean just nodded and stomped out of the house. He made sure not to slam the door. Making his brother feel guilty wouldn't help anything. He told himself it worked out anyway as he got into the Impala, he had a mess of a few cars to clean up anyway from his rampage the night before.

**A/N: Since it's come up a few times, this chapter takes place during Cas's two day pass out. The chapter picks up immediately after Sam's been admitted to the hospital. **


	18. Songs of First Snow

**Re-written Dec. 10th 2012**

**Chapter 17; Songs of First Snow**

Sam fiddled with the threads on his comforter. He'd asked it it was okay if he disappeared upstairs for the rest of the day. His father had just held onto him tightly and whispered okay. Sam's breath shook as he reached a hand up to his neck and gently ran the pads of his fingers over the soft little dents around his neck. He knew by looking in the mirror that they didn't protrude as far as he felt they did, and that the colors could've been worse. It was still unsettling.

13 year old's shouldn't have to make sense of something like this.

But Sammy was going to try to anyway. He screwed his eyes shut tight and turned over on his side in the bed, staring out of the window. Maybe if he'd had the energy he would've gotten up to draw patterns on the frosted glass. The house vibrated a little as the loud banging of the front door announced Dean coming home. It startled him a little bit. He quieted himself and went back to his musings. He thought about age, and maybe he was going to be 14 in the summer. But still too young. Cas was going to turn 15 in a few weeks. Still much too young. He clenched his hands tightly around his stomach and dug his fingers into the soft flesh. A part of him wished he could remember all the details. The way that Cas had looked at him, or hell, even Lucifer's expression when he flipped his switch. Some detail to give that could help. But all he could remember were the wandering hands and the shockingly strong push of Cas shoving and pushing him out of the house. And the cold snow. Even now, when he closed his eyes the chill would creep back into his bones.

AS he tried to angrily scrub his body with his palms he thought of Cas.

He thought of 15 years.

He thought of fear.

They hadn't gotten everything done in the interview with the officers and the 'non-therapist'. They'd told him there would still be further questions and that he might have to speak at a trial. He'd raised his head at that. Not that he would be looking forward to the event, or seeing Lucifer ever again (his life already invaded enough by the man), but it made him focus on Cas. His stomach dropped and he felt acid build up. The rationally functioning part of his brain, what was left of it, told him that when he'd been admitted he'd immediately alerted the hospital staff of Cas still being there. So he'd done well. But no one had offered him any news on his best friend and a part of his rational mind told him that even if they had he probably couldn't have registered it anyway because of the shock he was in. The angry, hateful part of his mind (the one that was getting a hell of a feeding from his run with Lucifer) tore him to shreds. Sam remembered not being able to get out of his numbed stupor while talking to the officers until he registered his father rubbing soothing circles along his back and calling his name.

"Cas?"

The officers had looked at him funny before making the connection to the young boy they'd retrieved later that night.

"They're flying his aunt in," one of the officers had said, trying to be kind, "we've tracked down his brother. He's not alone." Sam had nodded his head and remained at the table as his father escorted them out. His feeble, "He's okay, right?" fell on deaf ears. Then his father had come back and Sam had asked him not to discuss any of the details he'd spouted with Dean. He wanted to do it himself. When he was ready. As he curled up further under the covers he found himself praying that Cas' aunt was more akin to their mother than the rest of the Novak he'd met. Admitted, no matter what Anna Milton would never be a Mary Winchester, but she was not a bad woman, not that Sam knew any of that.

Anna had made herself a name in fashion. She'd started out as a simple designer living on her own in Chicago, living off of cheap Chinese food (because they were the only place that delivered at 3am when she got home from her night shift). It'd been gritty, and she'd spent years cursing her useless degree until her hard fight finally paid off. And as the world went to hell in that little small town, she was finalizing the last of her new clothing line release and living a swanky life in St. Louis, trying to finish dressing up the last few pins and adjustments on a new dress. She smiled at her model with pins between her teeth, grabbed a fold of fabric (turning it over in a thin line) and began working a long line down the side.

"Miss Milton!"

Anna lifted one eyebrow inquisitively at the woman who'd walked in, her heels clacking on the floor. The woman held a black phone in her arm and waved it around a little. Anna frowned and widened her eyes a little, and then nodded her head towards the dress. She was busy. She'd been working with her assistant, Hester, for years and knew she could handle just about everything on her own. It was unusual for her to bother her in the middle of a project like this. More than that Anna hated to be interrupted during work. This hadn't happened in years.

Hester smiled at her boss and knelt down on the ground next to her, covering the receiver with one hand and cupping the other around her mouth to prevent nosy lip reading. "I'm afraid I can't cover this one."

Frustrated, Anna rolled her eyes and peeled the pins from her mouth and re-worked them into one hand and shrugged the shoulder the phone should be slid into. Hester smiled apologetically again and tucked the phone in. Anna dropped her head down to the side and lifter he shoulder more to make sure the phone stayed pressed into her ear. An irritated 'yes' came from her.

"_Anna Milton?_"

"Speaking."

"_My apologies for the disturbance, your assistant assured me you were busy but I'm afraid I have some bad news. My name is Jody Mills and I'm an officer in-_"

"An officer?" Anna interrupted, confused. Her mind cataloged through just about every crime that could've happened under her management. She found none and put another pin into the dress.

"_Yes, as I was saying ma'am_," the woman on the other side continued, "_your brother, Lucifer Novak? He's been arrested_."

A sharp shriek came from the model she was working on as she missed the dress entirely and made a small puncture in her leg.

"Excuse me?" she said, her voice shocked intro neutrality from the attitude she'd had before, clutching the edge of the dress she was working on.

She hadn't heard that name in years.

"_Yes..._"there was a pause on the line, "_Ma'am, how much are you aware of your brother's and his two son's life style situations?_"

"No... not very, why?" she asked sharply, now concerned. She barely even remembered that her brother had kids.

"_You may want to sit down for this_."

"They're not dead are they?" Anna asked, gripping the fabric tighter.

"_No ma'am. It's..." _another pause, " _Castiel Novak is in the hospital right now, hes' been there for a day so far. He is in critical condition. His brother Uriel is with him at the moment and we need an adult to over see them and to sign papers. You are the physically closest next of kin that we could contact." _

"I don't-" Anna's mind drew several blanks as she tried to imagine the situation. This was not how a usual Saturday went for her. She dropped the pins to the floor, realizing that people were edging in closer, trying to hear the conversation. She waved one of the younger designers over to finish the dress and sped her way to her office, as composed as she could be. "Why isn't my brother there to take care of him? Why is he in jail?"

"_Because ma'am. Lucifer did this to Castiel." _

Anna nearly dropped the phone to the ground as she closed her office door. A sickness crept in her stomach as she listened to more details. The words abuse, and sexual, were used somewhere in the snippets of the conversation her brain could catch up to. "O-okay. I"ll be there first flight out," Anna said softly, and with condolences from the officer and a good bye the phone went dead. She leaned back in her chair and brought her hand to her mouth and pressed down. The nausea curled deeper around her as she tried to wrap her mind around what she'd just heard. Anna hadn't heard from her brother in years. Their dad had never been around, raised by a strange rag tag team of maids and other adults; mother absent. Lucifer'd been the first to leave. Gabriel after that, and Anna had flown the coop last. The only other time she'd seen Lucifer since then was when they'd managed to get some people together for Lucifer's wedding. That was the only time she'd seen that side of the family.

Anna rubbed her hand over her eyes and tried to imagine the scene. It was a pretty small, private wedding. Uriel, the son from the previous marriage of the bride, had been standing next to his mother, awkward and small. She rubbed at her chest as it clenched painfully, trying to conjure up a different image. As her mind churned she went back to feelings she'd had as a kid. There'd always been something a little weird about her brother but nothing like this. Never like this. She took in a deep breath and sent Hester a page to organize her the soonest flight out of St. Louis.

"I need a drink," she told herself, and as he was pouring herself a glass of skotch, she stopped. Emotional drinking reminded her a little too rawly of her brother at the moment. She stared down at the glass and tossed the liquid into the trash can, glad for their heavy duty bags so that it wouldn't leak, even if it would make her office reek of liquor. But she figured, the sharp smell might be enough to distract her from the spiders crawling up her spine. For a moment, she wondered if the wife knew, and then quickly remembered that the divorce had taken life shortly after Castiel's birth. Anna couldn't even imagine him. Lucifer had never even sent pictures.

Biting her lip, she settled back in her chair and turned it so that she could look out at the cold city through the window. Frantically, she tried to pull memories out of her brain but there were so few. And now every one of them had a suspicions tint to them, and she wasn't sure which ones she could believe were good. Anna's computer beeped and a confirmation e-mail came up for her flight. She paged Hester a thank you and began to gather her belongings from the office. Anna frowned at her desk and pushed aside a loose red strand of hair, as numbness sank in.

Surely there had to be a mistake. She held onto that hope as tightly as she could. Yeah they hadn't been the most regular family but this? Surely not her family. She kept that thought tight to her as she boarded the plane, arrived, and until she flashed her ID and was admitted to the hospital, escorted by officers. Anna kept trying to squeeze that thought into her as she stepped into the hospital room and stared down at the bed.

And there he was.

The spitting image of his mother, she thought at first. His eyes were closed but she'd bet her fashion line that they were the same bright blue that her's had been. Anna wondered if their mother had felt something off with her brother, or if he'd driven her insane, for her to leave her kids.

Her eyes drifted to the dark shape bunched near the window under a blanket between two squished chairs for a makeshift bed.

Uriel.

Anna didn't know these kids.

They didn't mean much to her other than a vague notion that they were related by blood. Well, at least one of them. But despite her general logistical detachment, she felt tears stinging her eyes at the 18 year old boy (she'd asked for their ages, and it shamed her that she didn't even know that) cramped up in a chair, long legs dangling at odd angles, and the pale, bruised boy lying in the bed. There was an IV attached in his arms and tubes going up his nose. She was assured the tubes would come out that evening. If the image itself wasn't eerie enough, the beep from the heart monitor made it feel like she was in a movie. There was a soft click of heels, as she stepped further into the room. The nurses had gone over a brief description of what had happened, with a snappy summary of the older evidences of harm they'd found. Feeling it would be too intimate to hold the hand of a child she barely knew, she just stood by the machines. Anna stood above him and wanted nothing but to put a gentle hand over the purplish blotches on the child's arms and face. She'd been told Lucifer had taken a belt to the kid's head and sliced it open.

"Miss Milton?"

Anna jumped half a mile and placed a hand over her fluttering chest. A woman was standing there with a lopsided smile and sadness in her eyes. She walked over to the other woman and shook her hand.

"Jody Mills I presume," Anna said softly, stepping out of the room entirely.

"Yes ma'am.," her eyes drifted over to the boy lying in the white sheets. "My deepest condolences. It's a damn shame and a tragedy. Castiel's a good kid. Quiet, kind. And for all the trouble that older brother of his got up to. He's a good kid too."

"You knew them well" Anna asked softly, adjusting her handbag further up her shoulder.

"We're not a very big town," the officer admitted, beckoning her towards the bench so that they could talk. She had a file with her. "Now... the case is still on going. Just started actually. They're searching through Lucifer's house right now for... well," her voice drifted off, soft and quiet, "they should be done in a day or two and you may gather some stuff from the house."

"My brother?" Anna asked, her voice foreign to her own ears. The words tasted bad in her mouth.

"In custody. I don't believe he'll be awarded any type of reasonable bail. We figured we'd give you a day or so too to get settled, get the boys safe and the then proceed to go through some of the evidence with you."

"Evidence?", this time her voice cracked a little.

"We found some...there's no sensitive way to say this. Tapes. We haven't gone through everything yet but," Jody took in a deep breath and put a warm hand on Anna's shoulder. "I am so sorry for all of this. I can't imagine... Lucifer... None of this is public yet with his notoriety in the community, so nothing has hit because of the favors he's earned, but. There's going to be a huge mess coming up and those kids have been through enough."

"Yeah," Anna said, her voice trailing off, " they have."

"Sheriff?"

The two women looked up at the deep voice and found Uriel standing in the doorway, rubbing sleep away from his eyes.

"Uriel," Jody said, standing up.

"Who's that?" he asked, suspicious, eyes narrowed and fists clenched. It helped his temper flare that other than a few drinks and cigarettes he'd had his first two days sober in a few years. A twitch ran from his knuckles up his forearm as he stared at the stranger.

"Oh, you don't-"

"I'm Anna Milton," Anna said softly. She glanced at officer Mill's and gave a worried expression. "We've... met once maybe but..."

"Milton?" Uriel repeated after her, not relenting his aggressive stance.

"I'm your aunt," she said, nervous. It'd been mentioned that Uriel had a bit of violent history, and it had also been mentioned that Lucifer had abused him too (but with far less details and more speculation). She wasn't sure how he'd react to the familial tie.

Sure enough, Uriel's expression darkened and rage brewed behind his eyes. His jaw strung tight and if you paid close enough attention one could probably hear his teeth squeak against each other. "Glad to have the support of the family," he spat out. "What's she doing here?" he asked, turning to Jody.

"Cas needs a guardian in... your father's absence," she said slowly.

That did nothing but piss him off more, "He doesn't need some damn sister of that fuck's guardian. I'm 18. I can take of him just fine."

Jody chose not to mention that he hadn't had the best record for his past years, but neither could she blame him for his reaction, or even try and twist a guilt knife. "I'm sorry, but you don't qualify."

There as silence as Uriel stared Anna down. "Did you know?" he asked, voice dropping low with a dangerous growl.

"What?! No!" Anna sputtered out, a little offended and shocked. If she'd know... "If I'd known, I would've..."

Uriel kicked the wall with force, interrupting her but then took a deep breath. The parallel of what he'd told his brother echoing in his own ears. If only he'd known. He would have never... Things would've been different. He didn't like her one bit, especially seeing a part of himself in her. How the hell do you fall out of touch with your brother for years like that? But, he couldn't yell at her because it'd been exactly what he had done, except he'd been closer. And would've continued on that same path of separation if push hadn't come to shove. A twisted, dark humor rose in him and he mentally thanked the Winchester's for bringing everything to light.

"You handle the paperwork, that's it," Uriel said finally, straightening his body back out. Anna nodded and glanced at Jody who gave her a shrug. The boy turned back and walked into the room and Jody mouthed at Anna that they would work out the papers later. For now, just a few signatures would be enough while they waited for the next step, and that when Cas was released they were free to find a hotel to stay at, instead of trapping the boy at the hospital.

"Well?!"

Anna and Jody snapped their heads towards Cas' room as an irritated Uriel peeked his head out.

"Well what?" Anna asked, clutching at her bag to ground herself.

"If you're gonna have custody over him, might as well meet the kid that you're going to run their life for," he said, impatient and ducked back into the room.

Jody nodded at Anna, who walked slowly into the room. She watched as Uriel walked over to his brother and gently woke him up by ruffling his hair and running calm fingers through the strands. There was a whispered 'hey' and a lazy, pained smile from the young boy. Finally, he opened his eyes and Anna stood by the door clutching her bag even tighter. There was a hushed conversation and a head now towards Anna by Uriel.

And sure enough.

Blue eyes.


	19. Villa Del Refugio

**Re-written Dec. 12th 2012**

**Chapter 18; Villa Del Refugio **

Cas was finally well enough to really sit up for a long period of time before passing out. He had a splint on his arm and a brace around his knee that could be tucked under jeans, and most of the bruises were getting to the color where they would start fading. Uriel hadn't left his side, other than to go to the bathroom. Anna wasn't there when he woke to full coherency, having disappeared to fill out more paperwork. His first thoughts on Anna, the glimpses he could recall, were that they looked nothing alike. But then again, he'd learned that family didn't have anything to do with what someone looked like, or even if they shared a genetic lineage. Cas munched slowly on his mashed potatoes and stared at his older brother's sleeping form in the chair.

He had a lot to think about.

But for now, all he could do was smile. The sky is darkest before dawn, he told himself as Uriel grumbled in his sleep and tried to adjust in the tiny plastic coated chairs he'd made into a bed. Life wasn't going to perfect, and especially anytime soon, but Cas still felt a warm buzz in his chest. His older brother didn't hate him. And just maybe, when things were said and done, he could have something resembling the bond the Winchester brother's had with each other. He looked forward to it.

Just as quickly as he'd wrapped himself in warm feelings they left.

He'd managed to get a hold of a nurse as he was becoming more coherent, and asked about Sam. The kind man had smiled at him and told him that he was safely at home with his family and that there were no permanent injuries. Cas almost collapsed on his bed at the news as he ran his finger over the stitches across his forehead. He felt a small swell of pride with every bump. He'd protected Sam. Just like Sam had protected him.

It was still cold outside, but the snow had stopped falling and for the first time in weeks the sun was brightly shining during the day. His pain was fading, although that could've been just because of the pain killers, and at Cas' insistence he was going to be discharged from the hospital. At first, he'd thought they were going to go home, now that his father was gone (although the details on how was still a bit fuzzy for him), there were things he had to retrieve. But it turned out his aunt had rented them a nice hotel suite that would easily accommodate anything for them until the house was cleared. Practically speaking it was the best, and Cas found himself thankful. He wasn't sure if he ever wanted to see their old house again.

Cas wasn't unaware of the situation either. Admitted, he'd spent most of his young life thinking that what they were doing was a normal family relationship. But he was aware. The concerned looks from the staff and the frequent police uniforms that flitted in and out of his room (as well as his brother's stony, angry expression) told him that he would probably never see his father again. And although Cas could tell you the capital city of any country, rattle off physics theories like a pro, and compose essays like they were going out of style, he didn't know a lot about the basket of crazy that was sex. And how his situation with his father was the pineapple in a basket of apples. It had never occurred to him that what his father had been doing to him was illegal.

There'd never been a burn of shame in his chest like it before as the officers went over the legal details with him and what he would have to testify for.

Thinking about it, Cas brought his hands to his stomach and rubbed it gently, trying to push the sick feelings way from his body. He'd been told that there would be an investigation on what had happened, and it dug that black mess of anxious emotions deeper into him. 'Throughout the investigation' meant that they would find the tapes. Tears threatened to spill from Cas's eyes as the officers told him they were searching the house. While he'd felt shame throughout the years, and an innate vibration of wrongness (there had been maybe one brief mention in his schooling of the topic of molestation, a word he refused to use on himself), Cas thought that this was what humiliation felt like. They kept calling him a victim but it didn't help him feel any less like his dirty laundry was being waved around like a flag.

Whenever the nurses would hover around him during their shifts they would glance at one another, muttering 'incest' until Uriel had barked at them to get the hell out of the room and to quit gossiping. At least that's what he thought he remembered. For a moment Cas wondered if he should wake up his brother from his spot in the chair and thank him but thought better of it. They were both emotionally drained enough. After Anna had left the first time, Uriel had sat next to him, clenching Cas' hand tightly, and to his horror, tears started streaming down Uriel's face. It had started as small shakes while he rocked his little brother's body. Cas'd listened silently as his brother begged for forgiveness as he cursed himself. That he'd been hurt too, and he had just wanted to get the hell away, and was already pissed because of their mom (and that he lied that one time, she would've loved him) and that he'd just never seen Lucifer treat Cas the same way. So he'd assumed. He sobbed out apologies even when the small rush of tears had dried, apologizing for being angry, and hurt, and for finding friends in all the right places to numb everything out. Including his little brother.

Cas just smiled at him gently, held his hand tighter, and told him, "It's okay. I never blamed you. I knew." He'd said it, intending to be comforting (maybe absolve some of his brother's guilt, that he understood). Instead Uriel's eyes flew wide, emotion hammering behind them.

"Wh-at?" came out, a little squeaky and the word breaking in half in the middle.

"I knew," Cas repeated softer, scared to have broken the fragile peace between them.

Uriel looked like he was about to puke. He'd walked over to the sink in the room, splashed his face and then held his hands rigidly against the sink. 'Ho?'

So Cas told him. He'd told him about when he was about 4, he'd wandered out of his bedroom one night to see the door cracked open to their father's room. How he hadn't understood what was going on until years later when he'd been neck deep in the same treatment, and had just looked at them on the bed before running away and back to his own room after hearing his older brother squeak a pained, muffled cry, and slammed the door. He told him about how he'd hear things sometimes and fight between having to go take a look and hiding under his pillow, because their father's eyes had haunted him. So he'd hidden. Cas told his brother about how one night some time later, he'd woken up and ran to their father, begging him not to make Uriel cry at night anymore. That he was sorry, although he had nothing to be sorry for. But that was just the kid in him trying to desperately make things right. The only thing he really understood was that someone was hurting and someone in the big situation of things was being bad. He assumed it was somehow his fault. He told him how things he remembered the time of less screaming after the first bad fight Uriel had with their dad (Cas also recalled peeking through a door to see Uriel fling a book across the room) and their father coming into his room after, sitting down next to him, petting his hair with a far away look in his eyes. Whispering that if Cas was a good boy, then yes, everything with Uriel could end.

Quietly, shaking and hiccuping even after a new dose of anxiety meds in his system (Uriel holding his hand and just listening) that the nights he'd asked for it to stop, their father had told him that it was fine. That he would never force anything on him, but if not him then he would have to go back to Uriel. And every time Cas had taken his request for things to stop, back. And Lucifer had told him he was a Guardian Angel. Uriel had punched the wall after that and they'd been forced to move rooms so that they could re-plaster the wall. He read his little brother a story that night, curled up in the hospital bed with him and stroking his hair, after they'd both exhausted themselves crying.

Cas roused out of his thoughts of the past few days, maybe even a week (Cas couldn't tell time very well. Not even knowing what day he was admitted), when there was a gentle knock at the open door to his room. Anna was there, tentatively standing just outside the room, peeking her head in. He struggled for a few minutes on what to call her. It was hard to establish familiar perimeters with a woman he'd only just met. "Aunt Anna," he finally settled with, smiling at her. Her shoulders seemed to drop a bit in relief, as if she'd expected to be turned away.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, pulling up a stool next to Cas' bed and sitting down in it. Her hands moved a bit awkwardly for a moment, trying to figure out where to go until she chose to rest them on the edge of the bed.

"Tired mainly, but I'm not in pain," he said with a brave smile.

"Good. Good, that's," she paused, brushing back a chunk of her long hair, "good."

A bit of silence passed as Cas stared at the woman while she composed herself to say something. Her eyes darted around the room and finally settled back onto him. "Look, I know... I'm not exactly ideal for this," she started and held a hand up when Cas tried to interrupt to defend her. At least someone had to come take care of them. "I don't think you'd want to go back to your hom-" she paused, "house. So for now the hotel should do. It's, it's very roomy. Nice big comfy beds. You each have your own and mine is connected by a door in between to a second suite. The view is rather nice too."

"Thank you," Cas interrupted finally with a soft smile. If he hadn't he was sure this woman would've spent hours trying to sell him on their arrangements. "I"m just grateful someone came."

Anna smiled back sadly and reached over to give him an awkward one armed hug. "The family has never been very close knit..." she apologized. She took in a deep breath and her smile wavered a bit,"I guess I"ll go get a doctor to check on you to see if you're ready to be discharged." Cas was cleared with very specific instructions on after care, a list of proceedings after this as well as a time schedule of regular check up, a new anxiety medicine and pain killers. They'd also given a list of exactly portioned meals and what to put in them to make sure he had the best nutrition for his new medicine. They'd written him a permission slip to stay away from school for a few weeks but Cas had nearly thrown a fit at that. He wanted to see Sam, first thing, and during his talks with his brother, he'd decided that he could fend off the memories father to go to his friend, that he could brave one day at school and the weird stares to make sure Sam was all right. That's what friends did. And the officers had assured them that nothing had gotten out yet but a few rumors here and there. Lucifer's lawyers and business associates ran a tight ship.

Uriel had argued the entire way to the hotel about Cas' return to school and how they had treated him to begin with, to which Anna quirked an eyebrow but Cas' charming smiles and platitudes had assured her that his brother was exaggerating. It had ended in a rather tense silence all the way to their room. Once they opened the door, even Uriel in his sullen mood had to be impressed. He let out a soft whistle. "I guess I could stay here for a few days," he muttered, looking around, "sure as hell better than my place."

"Your place?" Anna asked after setting down some of their belongings. "I wasn't aware we had other arrangement options."

Uriel shrugged his shoulders and shoved his hands deep into his pockets, standing ramrod straight. "It's not exactly a good place to be. But it's mine." Their aunt attempted to pry more information out of him but Cas knew not to ask. Uriel had confessed to him just about how much he'd been doing while on his own and what type of place he was living at, and what they did there. Briefly, Cas had asked him if he was okay and his brother had just laughed at him. 'You just got the shit beat out of you and you're worried about my withdrawals? Kid, you're something else.' They'd made a mutual agreement after to ignore the long stretches of time his brother spent in the bathroom to hide his shaking body until he could calm down for a little.

"Are you sure about this?" Uriel asked Cas once Anna had left them alone, getting ready for bed. "You've had like, two days to recover and you look like shit. It's not like school's going anywhere."

"I'm sure," he said with a decisive nod. He clutched tighter at the blankets in his lap as he settled in in with the TV playing softly in front of him. A luxury he'd never had and it reminded him of the few times he'd dozed off on the Winchester couch. "It doesn't hurt so bad anymore. And people stare all the time anyway. I need to see Sam," he added, staring his brother in the eye, "And, Dean too. I can. I can be brave."

The two stared at each other for awhile before Uriel shook his head, lip giving a quick quirk upwards. "I don't see what's so special about those Winchester's but," he shrugged his shoulders and shook his hed again. He settled into his own bed and regarded Cas for awhile before speaking before he turned out the light, "and you've always been brave." Cas went to bed smiling that night.

He'd gone to school the next day with the same smile plastered on his face. Anna had asked if she should stay near the school or do something else but he'd just waved her off and told her to do the office stuff they'd been told by the police to clear up. Explain the circumstances in person. Uriel had offered to skip classes and shadow him but he'd also refused that (telling him that if he was going to be there anyway he'd rather Uriel attend his classes or go home). Time ticked by slowly for him, and it wasn't because of the stares and the raised eyebrows people were giving him. He still had his scars but he'd brushed as much hair in front of them as he could, he hid the arm brace under several layers of clothing (which helped hide his bruises too, other than the one on his cheek) and his leg brace was tucked away under his jeans as well. They'd arrived after classes had started so he hadn't been able to see Sam yet. He practically ran towards their shared English class only to find him absent.

Numbly, Cas sat down and clutched tightly at his notebook. Every ounce of bravery he thought he had drained out of him and seeped into the floor. Where was Sam? He'd been told his friend was okay. No major injuries, no permanent damage, just spooked and safely with his family within a few hours of his admittance to the hospital. Sweat started to form at the edges of his hairline as his mind started to panic. He'd taken his meds that day but it wouldn't stop the hammering inside of his chest. The rest of the day he spent wearing mental blinders to the rest of the world, pulling himself in tighter and more hunched, dodging people and desperately trying to stay out of everyone's way. He opted eating lunch as well, or going to the library either to face the questions of his other friends, instead sitting in a hidden corner behind some plants, waiting for the time to pass. Was Sam mad at him? Was he in trouble? Had the officers and nurses lied? He figured Sam hadn't called him because he was dealing with his own trauma, but assumed that they would still see each other had school. Cas had never even considered an alternative situation, and sitting there he thought maybe it had been selfish to think that Sam would be at school after what his father had done to his best friend. The soft haze that rang through his ears carried him through the rest of the day until he felt a rough hand jerking him around at the end of the hall as he trudged towards the parent loop.

Bright green eyes filled his vision and a bright smile erupted on his lips, pulling them and threatening to split open in several places again. "Dean," he said with a relieved breath.

"Don't you fuckin' 'Dean' me," the older teen snapped at him. Cas recoiled, the tone chasing away what little relief he'd found in the face of a familiar friend.

"What?" Cas squeaked out, confused, the smile dying from his eyes as he stared at the furious face of the Winchester.

"What kind of fucking friend are you?" he hissed, leaning in towards Cas, crowding and cornering him against the wall. "Huh?! The fuck kind of friend lets their dad molest their best friend."

Cas' heart sank into his stomach and pooled there. "I didn'-"

"You knew he was like this, didn't you?" Dean accused, rage shaking his arms. "How could you not let even your god damn best friend know what your dad was a friggin' pedo!" The last part rang loudly across the halls and a few people turned to look their way.

"Dean, no-" Cas started shaking his head, "I would've never put Sam in-"

"You know he's not eating really? He doesn't talk, especially not to me," Cas watched as Dean's adam's apple bobbed up and down, fiery glass swirling behind his eyes. "He just stares in the damn mirror and touches those bruises your dad left." Cas can feel his chest constrict and his eyes bloom open. Dean pulled back a little and straightened himself out, a bitter laugh exploding in his chest and ricocheting off the walls. He ran a hand through his hair, not really looking at Cas. "You did know. Didn't you?" he asked, his voice softly laced with venom.

"I-yes, because-" Cas started, bringing his hands up to his in horror, his book dropping to the floor. Sam really did hate him. It WAS all his fault.

"Is that where you get it from?" Dean shot at him, and Cas stared confused until Dean's eye flickered to his lips in disgust. "Just come up on people and do shit like that when they don't want it? Just like daddy?" he clenched his fists tightly at his sides, "how could you do that to him, Cas? How the fuck could you do that to him?" The world swam and things moved a little too fast in Cas' vision. He couldn't breathe. There was no air. Silence over took them before a breathy, angry laugh escapes Dean. He sends a fist flying against the wall next to Cas' head taking Cas' silence as an admission of similarity to his father, the reason for their kiss, and that he was a player in Lucifer's violation of Sam. As Dean leans into Cas, fear burns itself through Cas' body. But not at Dean, at the words ringing through his head. What if Dean was right on all counts? He'd never even thought about that.

"You stay away from my family," Dean warned, "understood?"

Cas doesn't even have the energy to nod as Dean walks away, glaring at the few spectators that had gathered during their argument. And then the whispering started. Working blind, Cas stumbled towards the loop where his aunt was supposed to be picking him up. The world swayed under his feet.

'They hate me,' he thinks as he opens the door to his aunt's car.

'It's all my fault,' he thinks, closing it as he slides into the seat.

'Damn it,' he thinks as he tries not to let the tears fall.


	20. I've Seen A Good Man Sin

**Re-Written Dec. 13th **

**Chapter 19: I've Seen A Good Man Sin, I've Seen The Good Side of Bad **

Cas had managed to control his shaking by pinching little hidden welts into the underside of his arm as he huddled into himself. He gave the best smile he could to his aunt as they climbed out of the car and up to the suite. He dropped his books on the bed the second they walked into the room.

"How was school?" Anna asked a little awkwardly. Kids had never been her forte. Not matter if they were almost 15. She wasn't sure if he would even want to do anything for the birthday coming up.

Her nephew just smiled at her, although it was a little shaky around the edges, "Fine. Just a little more overwhelming than I originally assumed it would be." Cas turned around to hide the meltdown spreading across his face.

"Okay, well," her voice sounded faraway, "they told me that the release papers for entry into the house are ready to go. It's just downstairs, if you, do you want to-"

"I'm really tired," Cas paused her abruptly feeling like he could no longer continue standing. "I'd like to take a bath if that's all right."

An involuntary relieved shoulder drop escaped Anna. Protocol for when your devil of a brother abused his own kids and you have to sign papers to be allowed back into the crime scene and how to ask if they wanted to get anything from it was not something that she'd ever been taught. Or how to deal with an abused child. Or child at all. "If you're sure," Anna said hesitantly, not wanting to take the quickest out she could to gather herself.

"I spent a lot of time alone back home," Cas said and it sounds sadder than he means it, those were the good times. "Uriel will be back sometime anyway and I'm sure my bath won't take too long." His breath was starting to quicken as he clutched at the last threads of himself before he would unravel. He could only keep pinching new welts into his arm for so long. When he door closed Cas dropped to the floor, knees thudding loudly. He pitched forward with a strangled cry, sounding like someone turning a rusty tap open. His hands clutched tightly at his biceps, fingers digging in as he rocked back an forth trying to breathe life back into himself. Surely whatever god was out there didn't mean for him to die now after surviving his father's attacks. Surely, he wasn't meant to suffocate on the floor of a strange hotel. Yet the vice grip his ribs seemed to have on his lungs wouldn't relent. Cas finally managed to get one wheezing gulp of air past his lips, squeaky scream following it as he tried to sort through his emotions.

No. No. NO.

They couldn't hate him. He couldn't loose them. He'd stayed away from them for so long. He'd tried so hard.

Panic continued to sweep through him in waves as he rocked his body back and forth on the carpet. Forehead grazing the floor with every down sweep of his body.

And not Dean, not his wonderful, protective, righteous, Dean. But if Dean thought that. Then... It had to be true. Why else would he say it? Dean wasn't cruel without reason. Violently protective, no filter, but not cruel. A cavity of pain split in his chest between his ribs, racing across like he'd swallowed something sharp and it was stuck. Whimpers continued to escape him as he flung himself up from the ground and eyeballed the room. His feet where slightly turned into each other as he stumbled along, trying to stay curled up while standing. He hit the door with his forehead twice with a cracked sob escaped him, following the wet sliding sound as the saliva that he'd been gathering in his mouth separated at the wide open of his lips. After a few fumbles, Cas wrenched the door open and stumbled forward to the sink. He refused to look at himself in the mirror. He'd only feel impulsed to damage himself. His only few brushes with it in childhood had been trained out of him. His father'd hadn't like it. He liked his toys undamaged. So Cas wouldn't be smashing his fists into the reflection of himself in the mirror either, his body seizing in muscle memory as he considered it. Instead, he reached into the drawer and pulled out his anxiety medicine. Another distressed squeaking cry emerged from his throat as he struggled to get the top open, getting frustrated at the child lock on the bottle. Feeling his knees weaken he sank to the floor and crawled to the bath tub, reaching over to turn it on and fumbling badly with the plug to the bathtub. The roar of water calmed his hands enough to yank the pill bottle open. Grabbing one he swallowed it dry, relishing in the smallest amount of self punishment as it scraped its way down his throat. Satisfied with the progress of the bath he sat on the edge, his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees. His fingers slid from his face into his hair where he tangled them tightly. Cas yanked at the strands as he bounced his knees.

"_He just stares in the god damn mirror and touches those bruises your dad left." _

Cas sunk from the edge of the tub back to the floor, letting the sharp edge drag against his back. The pill bottle rattled to the ground loudly as he let himself fall sideways onto the cold tile. How could he ever hurt his best friend like that? How could he ever have hurt that wonderful family like that? Dean, Sam, John... and Mary. He clenched his hair harder as he thought about the hatred and disappointment that she would feel for him. Maybe she would be too kind to hate him, and just be disappointment that didn't protect her son as her son had him. It would kill Castiel all the same. Frantic hiccuping began as he forced himself to sit up and go to the counter, pouring himself a glass of water. As he let the glass fill he began to violently take his clothes off. He might was well take an actual bath instead of using it to drown out noise. Keep his story true. It wasn't until a few seconds later when he chose to actually look at himself in the mirror and immediately regretted not toppling into the bathtub fully clothed.

Most of his body was covered in light bruises, the colors starting to recede a little into yellow. He ran a shaking hand across his torso and down across what he could see in the mirror. He lifted his arms for inspection, and next to the welts he'd given himself, were finger bruises. Cas swallowed thickly and brushed his bangs aside to examine the diagonally stitched cut from the second place the belt had sliced at him. He didn't dare turn around to examine the rest of his body. Instead, he took a swig of water and with shaking hands pushed another anxiety pill down his throat. His body shook as he climbed into the water, a little too hot, and slid in.

Cas curled to the side, resting on his arm and scrunched his face against the ceramic side of the tub, shaking his head from side. Slowly the shaking in his body stopped. His body seemed to separate itself from him and he could breathe again. A defeated smile had even crept to his lips. Cas rolled onto his back and let his upper body float while he kept his knees curled up underneath the water. He felt water spill into his ears as he listened to the roar coming from it rushing out of the faucet. It wasn't until water started splashing loudly off the side of the tub that he bothered to lean up and weakly roll the faucet shut. He fell back with a splash and felt a self-deprecatory chuckle bubble out of his chest. He laid there for hours, staring at the ceiling in a comfortably numb shell.

He could even think about Dean's face without wanting to claw his heart out of his chest. He could think about the glassy film across his eyes as he'd tried to hold tears back. He could think about the rage that crawled beneath those water lines. He could think about how that same rage had raced down into Dean's arms and the strain of the muscles as he tried not to beat him to the ground. And... the deep pit of betrayal that had screaming at him from behind the bars on his eyes.

He'd always know that he was welcome by the Winchester family, and he'd always known that while Dean and him were friendly they probably held no mutually special place for each other. Cas hated himself now for how incredibly selfish that emotion had been, and what he'd lost. A sharp pain raced from his heart to his hand and erupted across his palm. He'd had Dean's trust. Maybe even Dean's care. Everything he'd fantasized about. Everything he'd wanted. He'd ruined it.

Cas was sure he would've spent the rest of the evening happily sinking into the bath tub if Uriel hadn't barged into the bathroom like the building was on fire. He didn't have the effort left to even acknowledge his older brother with anything but a flick of his eyes. He watched, tired, immobile as his brother leaned over him face lit up with concern. Uriel waved a hand back and forth in front of his face. His eyes barely registered the motion, staring instead past the moving fingers at the ceiling. His brother frowned before behind down and pulling him into a sitting position against the wall of the tub. Cas let his body be manhandled and then slid a little with a sad shake of his head, eyes shiny.

"Cas, I've been calling your name for-" his brother stopped for second. "Are you HIGH?" Cas almost laughed. His brother leaned over and turned Cas by the jaw to look at him. "Castiel."

"I just took my meds," Cas mumbled back with a pout. It wasn't like his brother hadn't done worse. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so calm and would really appreciate it if Uriel would stop yelling.

His brother sprang up and walked over to the counter to examine the bottle. Cas hears his brother let out a huge breath and then tuck the pills away. "I don't know if I should take these away from you or," he started before moving back to where Cas was, perching himself on the edge of the tub. "You'll be fine just," he shook his head and lifted his eyes to the ceiling as if praying, "you've always been careful. What's with the double dose?"

Cas stared for a minute, hoping to stare his brother into going away but the longer he sat there, and the colder the water got, the more he felt compelled to offer some answer. "Dean."

Uriel's face flashed heavy with confusion as he tried to remember who it was. "Oh, yeah," he said with a slow nod, "Winchester. Sam's brother." He gave a rueful smile, "the damn 'good older brother' crusader."

Cas sniffed a little at that. To think Dean had gone so far for him, and this is how he had repaid them. By putting Sam in danger. Uriel seemed to sense that something was awfully wrong and with clinical detachment Cas recounted the tale to his older brother. When he was done he watched as Uriel got up, informing that he would be back. The door to the bathroom slammed as he strode through it, and then momentarily opened again with a rueful smile. "Probably not a good idea to leave you alone right now," Uriel admitted, anger still clouded over his features. His hands shook with the effort to keep still. "Is there anything I can do?"

Castiel contemplated the question seriously for a second, lolling his head from side to side, weird smiles and frowns flitting across his expression as he shuffled through his thoughts. If he hadn't been high his would've ached at the idea that came to him, and what would have to happen next. "You could throw something away for me." Uriel's eyebrows shot up a little. It hadn't been on the list of requests he'd been expecting. Maybe beat someone up, fetch him a drink, something usual. "There's ah-" Cas paused and collected himself, closing his eyes and letting the pills warm him into a pleasant, catatonic state. "There's this, necklace and bracelet thing," Cas swallowed thickly, "I don't know where it is. Dad tied 'em together and wrapped me up with 'em." Uriel's hands clenched at the side of the tub, threatening to put a crack in it. "And, ah- if you can find the pieces in my room, there's an angel," Cas sunk further into the water, curling onto his side. "And an essay. At the house. Throw them away?" Uriel frowned confused while stuffing away the rage that had been fed more with his brother's casual admittance of details. Misunderstanding Uriel's confusion Cas lifted his head more, "Anna went to sign papers. We can go back there."

"No ah- I mean. What are they?" Uriel asked shifting as the edge of the tub had made a nice dent in his skin.

"Presents," Cas said softly, the word coming out more like a puff of air between his lips than syllables.

"Winchesters," Uriel replied with an understanding nod. He continued to nod to himself as he angrily contemplated, finally letting out a sigh. "All right." His heart hammered a little in his heart about how difficult it would to find such small items in a quick time before remembering that Cas had never even seemed to have a lot of personal effects. How could he not even have noticed that? "If you promise to get out of the tub and to bed, okay. And food, order room service." Cas nodded weakly and climbed out on his own, stumbling a little. Uriel settled his younger brother into the bed and called Anna down at the office with the room phone. She headed upstairs and he explained briefly that Cas was tired from his anxiety medicine and that he needed something to eat. Anna asked him briefly where he was going but he simply replied 'a few errands.'

He walked the almost two miles from the hotel to the house and broke in, not having bothered to wait for the release papers and the key. Uriel swallowed and was tempted to grab the nearest thing and fling it across the house, seeing the damage from the struggle between his brother and his father still remaining in the house. Bitterly, he thought about the Winchesters as he stomped through the house and into Cas' room to begin looking for things. He was a little relieved that there wasn't a reason for Cas' to come with him (other than figuring out what the hell exactly he was looking for), not just because he didn't want the kid anywhere the house ever again, but because then he couldn't see him saving all of the pieces and the essay he found, tucking them away to bring to those ungrateful Wincheter's, especially after having glanced through the essay. Petty. Maybe, but Uriel couldn't shake the feeling of having to do something back and he figured a physical fight was out of the question. It didn't mean he had to sit idly by while the Winchesters crawled up on some damn pedestal.

The main Winchester in question of Uriel's wrath had returned home fuming. Dean had gripped the wheel of his Impala far too tightly and hit a curb as he turned, unable to let the wheel slide smoothly out of his grip. The jarring shock calmed him a little but not by far. He didn't think Castiel would have the guts to show his face at school after what had happened to Sam, especially since they had to know about the papers being filed against Lucifer. A feeling the sizzle of a pebble rolled around his chest, flinging itself back and forth between rage at having Cas so casually hay his name, and the other poking at the feeling that something didn't quite match up. Not that it mattered as long as Cas stayed away. He wiped angrily at his lips, thinking about the kiss that the boy had planted on him. A sick roar had curled up in his chest when his brain supplied him with the idea that they'd kissed after he and his father had done their fun. Shuddering, he made himself wait in the car until his temper had dampened down a bit and wandered into the house. He came in softly and glanced around the kitchen, surprised to find Sam in the living room. He found his dad in the kitchen and raised his eyebrows. "Your mother's going to call in a little," he said simply as he mashed potatoes. Although nothing was actually fixed Dean couldn't help but feel like someone had taken weights off of his shoulders. He wouldn't be able to fix anything but he had faith in his mother that she could. She would make it better. Take that haunted look out of his eyes and put a smile back on Sam's face. Dean glanced at what was being cooked in the kitchen, Sam's favorite food. Dean took it as a sign that he'd agreed to eat.

Not wanting to push his luck he didn't try and talk to Sam too much, not wanting to pressure him back into hiding in his own room. Instead he put a warm hand on his little brother's head and ruffled it, adding a soft, "Hey kiddo." He sat down on the couch next to him while making sure he had enough space to stretch out if he wanted to as they waited patiently for the phone call. Dinner wasn't even ready yet when the phone rang and Dean all but sprang up to it.

His father reached it first and his entire body sagged like a doll with its string's cut off. He put one large hand against the wall and leaned into it, whispering softly, "It's good to hear your voice, Mary." In an even softer voice he gave some of the more specifics of why she'd had an urgent call waiting. They'd briefly mentioned the incident to the people who'd received the call but John figured this was the type of news better received from a family member than some stranger. Dean couldn't hear the conversation on the other side but didn't bother asking for the phone. Instead, he just picked up the cordless phone in the living room, turning it on and handing to Sam after a nod from his father. John and Dean stood wordlessly in the kitchen, preparing the meal, wanting to give them some privacy. They only paused their methodical movements as they heard Sam bursting into tears, sobbing that he loved her and to come home. By the time they'd finished the food and placed it on the table, Sam had trotted up to them holding the phone out with a weak smile, but at least it was a smile.

"I'm pretty hungry. Thanks, dad" Sam said hugging John around the waist as he handed the phone to him. "You too, Dean." Dean couldn't help the massive grin that erupted on his face as Sam sat down at the dinner table and started digging into his food. There wasn't really a lot of idle chatter after John had hung up the phone but that was all right. Sam hadn't given them any clues as to what he'd talked about with their mom, only asked politely if he could have one more day off of school and then figured he'd be ready to go back, a stubborn spark in his eyes. Dean didn't comment on anything when Sam had muttered, walking away from the table, that he was ready to see Cas again. In hindsight he probably should've remembered that they had a class together. But there wasn't much he could do about that. He'd just have to stalk the halls menacingly once Sam did get ready to go back to school.

Dean usually didn't watch the news at all, but if he had, he would've known from the evening news that Lucifer's lawyers could no longer keep the story under wraps and parts of it had leaked. Castiel's face was plastered along with his father's about a 'disturbance' call to the house. Of course they'd left facts out and with the lack of information had left out that Castiel himself was a victim that night too. His two day hospital stay hadn't been mentioned yet, just wondering about the whereabouts of the boy. They had mentioned that Lucifer Novak had gone after a boy from the city that had been visiting at Castiel's house and had barely managed to escape. This, coupled with Sam's absence and Dean's explosion in the school hallway, sent the rumor mill into a dark, conspiratory spiral.

Maybe if Cas had watched the news too he would've known well enough to stay away from school that day. He had considered telling Anna he didn't feel well enough to go but after taking his pill in the morning, and not wanting her to worry, he packed into the car with her Uriel promising to actually attend classes that day too. He didn't see Dean that morning, nor did Uriel hunt the older boy down. Although in retrospect facing Dean again probably would've gone better for Cas.

It was chance really that Uriel happened to use the same bathroom, at the same time, during third period.

He only paused for a second to take in the scene in front of him before he flew onto three boys that had his brother surrounded. Cas was curled up on the floor, his pants were still pulled to his thighs and he had his arms covering his face as one of the kids spat down at him as he flung his leg out into Cas' stomach. As Uriel beat the teens to the floor he made sure he knew the names before releasing them with a violent throw out of the bathroom. He knelt by his brother and pulled him into his arms, dragging his brothers pants up so that they wouldn't slide further and show off the angry belt welts that their father had stroked down his legs. Uriel held his brother as he sobbed quietly, mumbling something about how he'd deserved it for 'feeding his best friend to a child molester' and for daring to show his face at school, let alone the bathroom. One of the boys had accused him of shopping for his dad.

Uriel bit his lip until it bled, trying to work his anger into the piece of flesh instead of accidentally crushing his brother to death. "Let's go," he said finally to the top of Cas' head.

"Where?" Cas asked shakily.

"Home."

He pulled Cas up with him, checking for damage while Cas' eyes turned into saucers. "I can't skip school. That's not okay."

"It is with me," Uriel said, eyes steely. "Did you bring anything but books to school?" His brother shook his head, "Good. We're going home then." Cas only managed a weak protest, secretly, desperately glad that his brother was taking the reigns and forcing him home. They only paused briefly for Uriel to stop by a class room, rudely slamming the door open and demanding to borrow one of his buddies keys and promising to compensate. The boy happily agreed. Uriel loaded Cas into a car that reeked of weed and cigarettes but at the moment it was the most comforting smell he could've been around.

They drove in silence while Uriel dug around for a cigarette. He only gave his brother one questioning glance before rolling the windows all the way down to air out and angrily inhaling the smoke into his lungs. At that point he couldn't tell if the angry burn of the smoke was actually calming him down or prepping him for a fight. He pulled sharply to the hotel loop, threatening the surrounding staff not to touch the car and that he'd be back. He guided Cas into the elevator and upstairs, knocking loudly on Anna's side of the double sweet doors from the hallways, pounding angrier when she didn't answer immediately.

"What is-" she started to snap, opening the door with a quick swing only to freeze at seeing her nephews outside her door. "Aren't you supposed to be at school?"

Uriel grunted and shoved past her, not much caring about the whole 'respect adults' thing or her being Cas' legal caretaker and maybe deserving a little more gracefulness. "He's being beat up at school. Keep him home from now on," he said testily, leading Cas to sit down. He turned around and marched back to the door, pointing a finger at her, "make sure he eats, get him to take a shower. Call someone to check him over for bruises. I have business to take care of."

Ignoring the offended look on the older woman's face, he slammed the door, trusting her at least to handle that much. He flipped his cell phone open as he raced down the stairs. He dialed a number he knew by heart from one too many binges. "Hey man... no, no 8 ball today," he lit up a cigarette from his friend's pack as he hopped into the car, peeling out of the lot. "I'm calling in my favor." There was a pause on the other end a few voice talking, he smiled when his dealer confirmed that he had some free time. A dark feeling took flight from his gut as he listed out the names of the boys he'd found in the bathroom. "Find 'em, and bring 'em out to the yard later." He hung up the phone and drove back to his one apartment for one more errand before he would return to the school and give his friend the car back. He took two stairs at a time and grabbed a small bundle he'd wrapped up himself and drove blindly to the Winchester's house, having to call a few people for directions.

He was bounced around a few times before someone actually figured out how to get there. Uriel pulled up the way too homely feeling house and marched up to the front door. He pulled his shoulders back and forced himself to breathe as he rang the doorbell. A few good, long minutes passed before he rang it again. This time the sound was followed by the padding of feet. The door opened to reveal Sam Winchester in his PJ's, hiding behind the door. Shock exploded over his face as he realized who was at the door.

Sam's initial thought as he opened the door was that Uriel had returned to the house and didn't know where anyone was. "Uriel, I don't know where your broth-"

The older boy cut him off. "I know where he is." He grabbed the parcel and half threw it at Sam who caught it after bouncing it in the air once. "I believe these are yours."

He gave Sam one last cold stare but didn't bother to wait for the aftermath.

He had bigger fish to flay.


	21. The Guilt of Uncomplicated Thoughts

**Re-written; December 16th 2012 **

**Chapter 20: The Guilt Of Uncomplicated Thoughts**

Sam stared at the package in his hands, confused. The exchange between him and Uriel had been too brief for him to get his bearings, or even properly comprehend that he'd shown up in the first place. It felt like a half remembered dream. He frowned and took the parcel with him to his room. He'd half considered running after Uriel to try and get some information about Cas but by the time he came out of his shock he was already in the car. The few times during his catatonic recovery that he'd moved around he'd asked his father about Cas but there'd been 'no major news'. He had found out that Cas had been taken to the hospital and that Lucifer was in police custody. His father hadn't been able to tell him whether or not they'd moved him from the hospital or if another family member had claimed him since Cas' father was in jail. It made him feel worse that he had no way of contacting Cas and his worry increased. He'd taken a lot of time to think to himself about what had happened, and every time the sick feeling in his gut spread up and across his neck. He had pulled himself together enough to relive some of the night with clarity. And he'd developed a new sickness in his heart.

When he squeezed his eyes shut a murky image of his best friends wide eyes, terrified blue with a strange dark line running across his forehead, staring at him. Sam's throat squeezed up when he thought about it. It wasn't difficult to put two and two together, especially with what he'd vaguely gathered from the news (his father and brother weren't letting him see any of the coverage footage) when the actual convictions on multiple charges came out, that Cas had been abused.

Sam made his way back to his room and bit his lip trying to push the memories into a neatly packaged, manageable portion. If things had been as bad as his imagination was painting them, he would have to be strong for Cas. A few bruises couldn't possibly compare. A feeble spark of determination flared briefly in his chest underneath his own trauma. He'd always had amazing protective instincts, or so he'd been told. That spark died as quickly as it was born as the contents of the bag lay across his bed spread. Pins seemed to erupt in his throat and scratch their way down into his stomach. He picked up the pieces of the angel, well, the ones that had been collected. Instinctively he closed his hand around the shattered ceramic parts and cradled them in his palm before the edges felt like they would break the skin of his palm. An odd croak (something akin to a toad's noise) escaped his mouth as he picked up the tied together necklace and bracelet. They'd been cut at an odd juncture to imply they'd been wrapped around something and the soft brown coating on them suggested small traces of blood. Digging in. His string bracelet was mostly in tact but the necklace was missing it's dangling charm.

With shaking hands he picked up the last item on the bed, crumpled pieces of paper. Some of the papers had holes in them, as if something had pressed through to tear into them. It looked like someone had attempted to rip it apart. He fiddled with the pages for a moment, looking at the numbering and putting the pages in the right order, sliding his eyes shut to gather himself, and reading the name and title of the paper.

Heavy weights seemed to drag Sam down as he scanned over Castiel's name and skimmed the start of the paper.

He was clutching the essay to his chest with tears in his eyes when he was done. Sniffling, he angrily brushed against his eyes. He _needed _to make sure Cas was okay. And if nothing else had driven the ugly family life the boy had home, the fact that his best friend had written about the Winchesters instead of his own family, killed him. And made him angry. Nearly tripping over his own feet he rolled out of bed and picked up the items. He placed them gently on his desk and dug around the drawers for glue. And his hands only trembled a little as he tried to put the angel back together.

Sam worked on the angel silently for the rest of the evening, letting his thoughts simmer on the back burner as he concentrated on something he could do. Fixing something. Fixing something felt good.

The sun had been working its way own steadily and by the time the last yellow hue ran cross his room, he was satisfied with his handiwork. Glue bits stuck out from some of the seams but he figured Cas would just think it was homely and endearing. He was sweet like that. Every fault always had its good side.

"Sam?"

Sam looked up at the door and called back to his dad, "yeah?"

"Dean's working late at the garage tonight. You want to eat downstairs or?" his father paused.

Although Sam appreciated how much both his father, and his brother, were doing he wasn't sure how he felt about getting away with the anxiety he was exhibiting. Usually, they would've never been allowed to bring food into their rooms (John was very strict about seeing the family together at least once a day) but he as he looked at the angel he was trying to hold together so the glue would set, he figured he could ask. "Can I eat in here, dad?" he asked as John slowly opened the door so they could talk. Sam put his hands down a little to hide the broken angel and slid it under a half opened book. He wouldn't have been able to explain later why he didn't want his father to see what he was doing it, but it felt strangely personal and intimate. Private between him and Cas, a shared pain. Or at least, that's what he told himself when his father nodded and went downstairs to get the cooking done. A part of him objected at keeping anything from his father (he'd already decided however not to tell them him that Uriel had visited), and he toyed for a moment with not telling Dean. Sam wasn't sure how his brother would react to Uriel having come over to the house, but he figured Dean had the same right to know about the items like he did. He knew it was important to him too.

That night, Sam fell asleep before Dean had mate it home, the angel cheaply glued back together and hiding in one of the drawers with the necklace and bracelets (untied), placed away. They seemed unsalvageable but he wanted to keep them regardless. His last few thoughts before he let himself slip away into unconsciousness, was that he needed to find the willpower to go to school, soon. He needed to see Cas, hold him, and tell him that it was okay.

It was a shame that Sam didn't choose the next day to go to school, a pity Mary hadn't showed up that ay, because maybe then they would've noticed that Cas wasn't there. Maybe they'd known about the bathroom incident and known that Uriel had dropped out of high school, and that a small group of students walked around with limps and a few more bruises that went beyond just a scuffle. And if one of them had disappeared to the hospital, well, they may or may not have noticed that too. Instead, Sam woke up with a small prayer in his heart, oblivious to the chaotic undercurrents going on outside the safety of his home, that things were going to be okay. He woke up to an all too strange but familiar smell drifting through the house. It was a special recipe for French Toast that they only had on very special occasions. He wanted to wrap himself up in the smell and curl deeper into sleep until all the tumblers dropped into place and he remembered why it smelled strongly like home.

Jumping out of bed, and almost tangling himself in the sheets, Sam bit his lip and yanked the door to his room wide open. The staircase vibrated as he lunged himself down them. He turned the corner and his knees nearly buckled underneath them.

Standing in the middle of the kitchen, quietly humming a tune to herself while she was busy over a pan, was just about the greatest human being on the planet.

"Mom," Sam croaked out, his voice slipping into a high pitched octave.

Mary turned around, the corners of her eyes crinkling a little with unshed tears. She closed her eyes to push them away and smiled. "Hey baby," she said, stepping froward and around all the chairs to scoop him up in her arms.

And just like that, Sam broke.

A half scream, half sob raced its way out of his Sam's lungs and echoed around the house. It was followed by two pairs of stomping feet (one from the garage, and one from upstairs), racing their way to them. Mary looked up at her other son and husband as they made it, panting, into the makeshift dining area. She simply shook her head and flashed them a watery smile. Dean bit his lip and clenched his nails, digging crescents into his palms. John simply stared before turning away an walking back out to the garage. Dean watched the skaing kid in his mother's arm for a few moments before he felt the swell of ugly emotions and sorrow bleed out of him.

Sam was just a kid.

Mary watched her eldest son march back up the stairs to his room and coming back down, within seconds out the door. She took in a deep breath and rolled a rock in front of her heart. It wouldn't help if she turned into a crying mess too. They only needed one set of yelling sobs in the house.

As Sam crumbled in her arms she folded herself down and pulled him into her lap. Quietly, she began whispering a tune to him as she rocked him back and forth.

"_Hey Jude, don't make it bad." _

"I was s-so scared."

"_Take a sad song," _she took in a shaky breath, "_and make it better." _

"A-and I couldn't move. I froze." A wet, sticky sob followed and Mary clutched onto her son tighter.

"_Remember," _she brushed a strand of Sam's hair behind his ear, "_to let her into your heart." _

"I c-can't, can't stop feeling it."

"_Then you can start, to make it better." _

"And, and, and," Sam's breath hitched and broke, hovering into panic. Heart hammering hard in his chest. "I-I feel lik-e," a whimper fluttered out of Sam's throat as he clutched onto his mother's shirt tighter.

Mary kissed the top of Sam's head and took in a quiet breath. "_Hey Jude..." _

"I c-c-could-n't br-breathe."

"_Don't be afraid." _

"A-and," a wail pushed out of him, "it's-s all my fault. I I lie-d to Dean. I- d-d-ditched him, after school."

"_You were made to, go out and get her." _

"And oh- g-god , mom," heavy sobs shook Sam's shoulders up and down," C-cas he wa- he was-, he was hurt. And th-e angel."

"_The minute, you let her under your skin." _

"H-he sav-ved me," he cried, "a-and I jus-st left. Mamma, I j-just left h-him."

"_Then you begin, to make it, better." _

Another strong whimper vibrated in Sam's chest as he hiccuped into his mother's shoulder. She adjusted her grip and cradled him further, moving her limbs gracefully around his growing, lanky form. "B-but I, I w-as so scared. An- and he smelled. H-he wouldn't le-let go."

"_And any time you feel the pain." _

"A-and I- just, left him!" Mary rubbed her open palm up and down Sam's spine as he bit his lip and tried to bury himself deeper into her arms.

"_Don't carry the world upon your shoulders." _

"I kee-p, I keep seeing it. It won-'t st-stop, but I g-g-gotta be brave, C-as had it w-wo-worse," Sam whined out as he fought with the self hatred curling in him. A stretch of quiet passed between them as he concentrated on the steady beat of his mother's heart.

"_For well you know it's a fool," _Mary sang quietly as he carded her fingers through Sam's hair, "_who plays it cool." _

"I-I ca-can't shut it out. I-it won't wo-won't go away." Sam's breathing hitched and paused, a huge breath leaving his body.

"_By making his world a little colder." _

"Thanks for coming home, mom," Sam whispered into her shirt. Mary let her voice fade out and kissed his forehead.

She pulled back a little so that she could tilt her sons face up to him. "Of course baby," she said, brushing his bangs out of his eyes. "There isn't a single thing more important in this world than my boys."

Sam's body relaxed a little under her touch until he was sagging into her, emotionally hammered, and physically drained. In a post-break down haze he wondered if he'd even let himself cry like that about it since it had happened. Another thread in his hazy mind gave a dry chuckle at the probable actual amount of time that had passed since the incident.

"It's gonna be okay Sammy," she said, smiling down at him and pulling a napking down from the table for him to blow on.

"But this is," Sam said his brain fumbling for words. It was a cloth napkin, the ones just for show.

"It doesn't matter," she gave a lopsided smile, "if you won't then I'll just have to mop you up myself."

Sam laughed weakly and shook his head, "I got it, Mamma."

"You, you do," she said and continued to stroke through his hair as he blew his nose. Some silence passed before she looked at her son again. "Do you want to talk about it now or?" she left the rest of her sentence hanging in the air.

Sam took in a shaky breath and separated himself from his mother's arms. They got up together, Sam on shaky legs but doing his best to stand up by himself anyway. He gave her a watery smiled as she said "you've gotten tall" and squared his shoulders in what he hoped looked like a very brave pose. "I'm okay for now," he said, adding a nod as if agreeing with himself. He would be fine for now. He sniffled and wiped at his eyes with the back of his sleeve. "I," he took in a deep breath, controlling his breathing. "I need to- to make sure Cas is okay."

"And we will," Mary said, pulling him into a nearly crushing hug. "We'll talk later then, okay, and I'll make sure we get in contact with him." She pulled back and ran a soft knuckle across her son's cheek. "How about some French Toast for now?"

Sam smiled and almost broke down into another wave of tears as he nodded and let himself be seated at the table. "Maybe you can make Cas some too."

"That's a great idea," she said as she took out two plates, "and if your brother doesn't stay too long at the garage tonight he might get lucky enough to get some too."

Sam laughed in good humor, intending to chow down on as many as he could before Dean got home.

While Sam had stayed at home with their mom, Dean had fumed through his school day, snapping at everyone and anything, letting his foul mood spike and explode. He spent homeroom digging a pen through a stack of paper until it scraped with an ugly noise against the desk. Since the incident had made some public waves, Dean had made sure that the first thing everyone knew was not to talk to him. Some girls had tried when he'd first gotten back and he'd almost shoved one of them straight through one of the lockers. He didn't need, or want their stupid BS 'oh I'm so sorry' speeches and empty pats on the arm. He wanted his brother better. Not a quivering, broken thing. Even Ash and Chuck had backed off a respectable distance, but they stayed closed. When Dean wasn't busy raging in is head he made a mental note to thank them for playing bodyguard throughout the day. Every time someone tried to approach him, they were around, a human wall built between him and the world. A small wall, yeah, but it helped.

At least some of the whispers had stopped around him.

The ay before he'd made it very clear, with a rather violent demonstration, that they should talk about what they didn't know jack shit about. The only people he'd let approach for questions had been Ruby and Jess. They'd come up to him after the news first broke, Jess crying with her make up splotched and Ruby's jaw clenched so hard she probably broke some teeth. He'd given them the short version of a lot of nothing. Jess had respectfully dropped the subject. It wasn't Dean's place to give out any of the information on Sam. Especially to girls Dean had already decided that Sam was eventually going to end up with. Not both at the same time of course, although he'd once teased Sam about it. Ruby had circled around later and thrown a book at a door when Dean refused to give anymore details. As she stormed off, fuming, he could only think that she had a funny way of caring. Much too like his own.

But at least they cared.

Dean had willed the entire day into one massive blur, and even as he buckled himself into his car he wondered if he should just turn and go back home instead of the garage. He'd promised Sam he wouldn't slack off after the phone conversation with their mom before she came home. He'd promised he wasn't going to drop everything and quit. He needed to get done with his senior year as soon as possible and make sure he didn't slack off at work so that he could pay for college. Shit like that was important to his brother. Which was a laughable thought in itself now. He'd toyed with the idea just like everyone else had, but now, itching at the end of February, and the deadlines for applications rolling to a shut he'd found himself thinking he just wasn't going to do it. He was going to stay home, work at the garage, and stay near his brother until he graduated and went to Stanford or wherever.

But. He had promised.

So, like a good soldier, he drove the Impala straight into the garage lot, waving briefly at Bobby who only gave him a solemn nod.

He'd made a rule at work too, about his brother, and to his blessing the other guys easily accepted it.

Dean was elbow deep inside the hood of a stupid little yellow bug when something smashed against the back of his head and drove him face first into the cylinder head.

"The fuck!" he yelled out as he shoved the hood of the car off of his head and moved back, letting it crash back down with a bang. Rage exploded in his gut as he came face to face with Uriel. "The hell is wrong with you, you god dam-"

Dean never got to finish the word as Uriel pulled his arm back and clocked him clean in the right eye. It wasn't that Dean couldn't hold his own, or that he didn't have a high pain tolerance, but as his head popped back, he realized that Uriel threw a hard punch. And it hit its mark clear. He bought his hands up to his eye and cursed, the ridge of his eye socket throbbed where Uriel's knuckles had rammed into it.

"What the fuck?!" Dean yelled out, getting stranger looks from some of the customers milling about as well as some of the other mechanics.

"You- self righteous- " Uriel started, launching forward and landing a solid kick to Dean's knee, bringing him to the ground, "- son of a-" he reached down and grabbed him by the shirt, shoving him into the bumper of the car, " - bitch." He slammed Dean's against it. "You WORTHLESS- piece- of shit!"

Dean pulled his leg back and made a solid connect with the inside of Uriel's thigh when he kicked it back out, causing a muscle spasm and forcing Uriel to back up. "Me? ME? You're the fuckin' junkie drop out with a pervert for a broth-"

Uriel's fist collided with Dean's nose, blood spurting out of it.

By then, the customers had been ushered away and some of the other mechanics were coming over. Bobby had even stepped out of the office to take a look at the commotion. Uriel backed away as he saw the others approaching, making sure his back was to an easy exit. "Don't ever come near my brother again," Uriel said, words heavy but with no real inflection.

"Me?! That's my line you-"

"You entitled, fucking waste of space," Uriel interrupted, voice tight. "Try watching the news sometimes. I hear it's very informative."

"Is there a problem?" Bobby asked, walking up and his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes zeroed in on Uriel as the other mechanics gathered around curiously.

"I was just leaving," Uriel responded, giving a glare in turn and walking off.

Silence followed in his wake and one of the mechanics suggested calling the cops. Dean blew it off and Bobby sent them back to work. "Care to explain what that was?" Bobby snapped gruffly, hauling him off of the ground and inspecting the damage to the boy. Other than the nose, nothing else was bleeding. He'd just have a nasty shiner.

"Uriel."

"Well that's helpful."

"Cas' brother," Dean replied, wincing as he touched his nose. He'd have to push it back into place. Bobby only nodded, any commentary or mention of the situation wouldn't have made anything better. He sighed and reached over, shoving Dean's nose back into place before he had a chance complain. "OW- fuck Bobby, warn a guy," Dean grumbled as he wiggled it, experimentally.

"I'll get you an ice pack and sending you home for the day," Bobby replied. If it were any other day, he would've grilled Dean about why the hell there was a fight in his yard that had chased away customers and that now there was a small dent in the hood of the yellow bug that would take forever to come out of their budget to fix.

"Whatever," Dean grumbled, and Bobby nearly smacked him upside the head for the disrespect. Dean made it home slower than usual. His eye had started to swell and he was in no hurry to explain it to his parents. All he knew was that he was going to find that damn junkie and kick his ass into next Sunday. If he ever saw out of his left eye again. Fucker hit hard. With a sigh, he pulled up and let out a small 'thank god' as he noticed that his parent's car was gone. Glancing at his watch, he guessed they went out grocery shopping, which meant he had at least another hour to think of how to sell what happened. Much more pleased with the situation, he walked in the door and glanced around downstairs for a sigh of Sammy. Not finding him (he assumed he was asleep upstairs) he went to the fridge. The bowls clacked loudly as he pulled them out at the same time and nicked milk out of the fridge.

"Mom?" came from behind him as he was halfway through his cereal hunt.

"I hope not," Dean replied with a dry chuckle as he wrestled the cereal box down from the shelf.

"You're home early," Sam said, confused.

"You're incredibly observant," Dean remarked, daring to tease. Ever since the phone call from their mom, Sam had seemed a little more awake, or alive or whatever. He just hoped everything wouldn't bite him in the ass for being hopeful. He tried to see out of the corner of his eye if Sam had his traditional 'bitch face' smirk on to the tease but realized he'd have to turn more to see it. For a brief second, he was sure he saw a small twitch of that smile before Sam's expression dropped with a horrified gasp.

"Dean! What the hell?" Sam said, stepping into the kitchen, concerned and cornering him.

"It's no big deal," Dean muttered, turning away and tucking all of the supplies he'd gotten out away.

"No big deal?! Dean, I can barely see your eye!" Sam said, attempting to yank his brother around to face him. His heart hammered in his chest, all the worst case scenarios racing through his head. His immediate terror was that Lucifer had somehow gotten out and gone after his brother. "It wasn't Luc-"

"What?" Dean said, finally turning around. "Oh, no. No, no. Sam. No. He's still locked up. You're safe."

Sam pouted at him, "You're apparently not."

Dean sighed and ran a hand across his good eye and into his hair. "It was Uriel, okay."

Sam frowned, puzzled. "Uriel? Why would Uriel want to beat you up?"

Dean looked to the side and tried to busy himself with the cereal supplies again.

"Dean," Sam said, sternly. When his older brother refused to look at him his voice hitched up a notch into panic. "Dean... what did you do?"

"Nothing!"

"DEAN."

"Fine!" Dean ground out, throwing his hands up and trying to keep his temper down. "Something about not coming near Cas again which is bullcrap because that's exactly what I told him."

"Who him?" Sam asked, a dark pit growing in his stomach.

"Who the hell else? The bastard that go you into this mess."

Sam's face turned pale white as his blood plummeted down to his ankles and collected, making his legs feel like bricks. "Dean..." he took in a shaky, shallow breath. "What did you say to Cas?"

Dean shrugged and sent a sullen glance at the fridge, not quite sure what to make of his brother's reaction. He figured that Sam'd be happy, or supportive of his actions, or something. He tried to ignore his younger brother's staring but as the minutes ticked by, and he refused to relent, Dean gave. "the truth. Just... made sure he knew not to come around anymore. Not with that type of sick shit. I mean, who the hell willingly invites their friend over to-"

"You know I lied about the invite-"

Dean felt anger rising. But he shoveled it down. "Whatever the hell. He still did this to you, he let this happen. He doesn't give a damn or he would've warned you and he'd better fuckin' not ever come near you again with that damn perversion of his." There was silence that followed his statement and Dean spent another few minutes pointedly looking at the fridge and playing with the magnets. Once he ran out of things to look at, he dared to look at his brother.

To his horror. Sam was crying.

This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

Wide eyes, holding a kind of hurt and betrayal that gutted him clean, and left him skin and bones bare.

It made him feel cold.

"Sammy... what?" Dean said, panicking and moving forward. Sam stepped back out of his reach, shaking his head. His eyes twitched as he fought between anger and the sharp tourniquet of paralyzing sadness twisting him inside.

"Dean... how... could you do that?" Sam asked, voice in a dangerous hush.

"T-... to protect you of course. Sammy. What's wrong?" Dean said, his own voice weaving together anxiety and fear.

Sam began walking towards the stairs and as Dean attempted to follow, he held his hand up. Dean stopped and watched his brother stomp up the stairs. There was a sound of a slamming door, a bit of rummaging and then the door slammed open again. Still confused, Dean watched as Sam marched up the table and slid a handful of items across to him. "Uriel brought these over."

"I don't-" Dean started as he examined the objects on the table. His stomach lurched uncomfortably at the sight. His first thought was hateful, "That little shit broke the stuff we-"

"Dean," Sam snapped, his arms shaking. Although taking a swing would've eased some of the pressure boiling inside him, it wouldn't help get the point across. Sometimes it hurt more not to slap someone. "Cas didn't break those, Dean. And you know it."

Dean gripped the back of the chair tighter as he watched the little pieces of information try and work it's way into a picture through the hick layers that Dean had, sinking deeper until a part of it hit home. Dean shook his head slowly, trying to toss the thought that came into his head. He looked up at Sam, whose eyes were clearing a little from the angry mist.

Sam stepped forward and slid a paper to Dean. "It should've been the first words out of my mouth," Sam muttered as he thought about the incident, his voice catching in the back of his throat," because whatever treatment is happening to Cas... makes it my fault too... Dean... "he paused, until he was sure he had his brother's full attention. "Cas was _hurt _when I came over. And Cas saved me."

Dean blinked owlishly as he tried to make room for this new information.

No.

Because... if that was true.

"Read this," Sam said, softer, fight going out of his shoulders. Before his brother could respond he'd slouched upstairs. Sam needed to be alone.

Dean frowned after him but sat down with the paper in his hands.

They were shaking by the time he was done.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and told himself that Cas could've still cared about them and done what he did. Some messed up, form of affection, or he cared about getting close to his dad more than them or-

Taking Uriel's advice, he bit the bullet, and went to the computer that they had set up in the living room. There was already a sick feeling crawling up his spine as he pulled up a local newspaper online.

"_Lucifer Novak, a once widely respected and prominent member of the community is now facing more charges than just the original assault of a young boy, whose name has been asked to be kept anonymous. Investigators have now found tapes in the Novak home that feature his own two sons being repeatedly sexually assaulted. Correspondents have found it difficult to get in touch with the rest of the Novak's but sources a the hospital say that the youngest son, Castiel Novak, was admitted to the hospital in critical condition, and that too many of the injuries on the boy's body suggested years of abuse..." _

Dean felt the air leave him, as if someone had punctured his lungs. He stared at the computer screen, his eyes flitting across the images that they had somehow gotten of the night the police invaded the Novak home. They looked like neighbor phone shots. There was a sharp pinch in his stomach as he stared at the snapshots of Cas in a stretcher, being hauled out of the house and into an ambulance and an enraged Lucifer being bodily dragged into a cop car.

He didn't linger too long on some of the other pictures and dropped his head into his hands. Nearly an hour later the door opened, but Dean didn't look up until he felt his mother approach him.

"Dean?" she said, confused.

Finally, Dean lifted his head, remnants of tears squeezing past his eyes, gathering heavier in his one swollen eye. "Mom," he said, voice wavering. He took in a shaky breath and gave a bitter, self hating smile. "I fucked up."


	22. Fallout Shelter

**Re-Written Dec. 20th 2012**

**Chapter 21: Fallout Shelter **

Dean doesn't elaborate to his mother on exactly what he did. Her eyes were panicked and wide as were his father's. It wasn't a exactly a regular event for Dean to sprout waterworks, and the huge black eye that was starting to purple around the edges made them panic. Every time his mother tried to pull him in and wrap her arms around him, he shook his head and held her at arms length. Whispering, "I can't. Don't worry. I deserved it." He clenched his fists and took a shuddered breath, plastering a self-depreciating smile on his face and slinked past them upstairs. His feet felt heavy and his back tingled, knowing his parents eyes were on him. Briefly, he considered talking to Sam but the pinching in his gut told him that his face was probably the last he wanted to see at the moment, and for a long time. So Dean resigned to quietly walking to his room, leaving the lights off, and crawling into his bed.

"Fuck," he said to his ceiling, laughing bitterly.

It wasn't like he was a malicious guy, or got off on other people's suffering. Hell, when it came down to it he was half a teddy bear with a helping of sunshine. Taking care of people was kind of his thing. Dean wasn't delusional enough to think that he didn't have a single good thing about him. His dad had taught him well enough on mechanics, Bobby appreciated his work at the garage. He'd been a pretty decent athlete and had made it to vp-captain of the soccer team in the spring semester of his freshman year. But those weren't exactly moral merits.

He was the good guy. The older brother. The on you went to when everything went to hell and he'd fix it with a joke and some elbow grease. Hell, his brother was turning out to be a great kid, even with of their parents usually absent so surely he had to be doing something right. The one job he had.

And he'd royally screwed it all to hell. In regards to both his brother and Cas. Dean rubbed his palms across his face, not caring when his eye throbbed painfully. He dug the heel of his palm tighter into the bruise. His muscles tensed with the need to lash out and put a hole in the wall. But if he did that, someone would come knocking. Not that it would've mattered as there was already creaking outside of his door. Probably their dad trying to figure out what was wrong so Mary would calm down. Sure enough, a knock followed and his dad's voice drifted, muffled by the door. "Dean?"

"Go talk to Sam." Dean snapped out and winced. He hadn't meant to be snippy. Hell, out of all the people involved he had no right to get any type of attitude, well, one that didn't involve him groveling in the dirt for forgiveness that he didn't deserve. His chest felt like a balloon about to pop as he waited for the creak of the footsteps to move away. A loud whoosh of air flew past his lips as he heard the second knock on Sam's door. He heard the door open and moved to grab his headphones from the desk, tossed them on, crawling back into bed and pulling a pillow over his head. It was the cowards way out, but he wasn't sure he could handle to hear the conversation. Maybe if he could pass out in time he wouldn't have to face his family's disappointment until the morning. At least the pain in his eye was dizzying enough to lull him into a brainless stare, but when he closed his eyes, all he could see were Cas' big ol' baby blues staring at him, terrified. Of him.

In the other room across the hallway, the quiet conversation continued on. Sam had tears drying on his cheeks as his father entered, closing the door behind him. "Hey Sammy," he said in a hushed tone and went to sit on the edge of his youngest son's bed. "What happened?"

Sam, first only shakes his head and brings his knees up, angrily glaring through a new shimmer of tears. A huge part of him roars with anger. At Dean. At the world. At himself. How could Dean not have known? His dad knew, but then again, his dad had been there for the police interrogation, and then of course his mother knew because he'd sobbed it out on her shoulder. He felt awfully, sickly, guilty. "Uriel hit him," Sam mumbled out, finally.

"Uriel, isn't that?"

"Cas' brother," Sam confirmed sniffing roughly. "Dean went asshole on Cas and told him it was hi fault that this happened to me."

John looked a little taken aback. Not that he hand't first blamed the boy himself. After all, it was his youngest son on the line, that had been hurt. He'd been angry for hours, fuming, ready to go oer tot he house himself once he'd made it to the hospital. Of course, once he'd figured out that Cas was still at the house and that dispatchers had been sent, his anger had lightened but not lifted. He briefly thought about Cas and Dean. The entire thing was messier than he cared to deal with. John wasn't comfortable with the thought and it still left him unsure once he'd figured out the truth. Yes he was angry, and Dean had been angry, but out of the two of his sons, Dean had been gifted with Mary's heart of gold, not John's easily temperamental one. Or so he'd thought. "That doesn't sound like Dean," he ventured out to say. He'd noticed that despite the little indiscretion that made him uncomfortable his son was very fond of the boy, looking out for him as much as he did Sam. And even without that, Dean wasn't know for being cruel.

"He didn't know," Sam whispered, curling up deeper behind his legs, "about Cas."

John wined and gritted his teeth together. No wonder Dean had come home beat up. While he had that heart of gold, when it came to people he cared about it could ignite with flames of fury, with a righteous stubbornness that he had inherited from John. He ran his hand through the back of his hair and down his neck, rubbing up and down, not knowing what to do. He'd expected a quick story about someone getting hurt and Dean defending them or a random fight. Something easy to deal with. He'd just wanted to know about his son's black eye. This was more Mary's field. "Do you want me to send your mo-"

"No thanks," Sam whispered and shook his head, "I'm tired. I think, I'm going to bed."

"Okay," John said softly with a sigh. He got up and gave his son's head an affectionate ruffle on the head. "We'll... we'll be downstairs if you need anything." He received no response as he walked to the door, looking back and seeing his son curled in the same position. He closed the door and leaned against it, eyes fixated on Dean's room. John knew his son well enough not to go knocking again. Hell, he hadn't even decided what he would say to him. On one hand, there was an aggressively defensive part of him that wanted to give him a clap on the shoulder for defending his family, for a thorough follow through on a personal level. And he still wasn't sure exactly where he stood on the issue, his mind unable to disentangle the pedophile father's fixation on boys and Sam's incident, and Castiel's and Dean's lip lock. What he'd originally written off as a troubling footnote now weighed a few bricks worth of speculation in his mind. It seemed more perverted now.

So, he left Dean alone and headed downstairs to his wife. He found her sitting in the living room, staring at the TV but her head tilted in just the tiniest way that he knew meant she was listening for other noises. Mary looked up with a question in her eyes and he sighed and sat down next to her. John moved his hand around her back, running his palm across it before pulling her in tightly, placing a tender kiss on top of her head. She pulled back, using a hand on his chest to lift herself up to look at him. "What?"

John closed his eyes tightly and canted his head towards the ceiling. "Dean got beat up by Cas' brother, Uriel, for saying something to Cas about what happened to Sam being his fault. Dean didn't know Cas protected Sam," he said, getting it out in one go. Something that he'd always loved about her, she didn't like to beat around the bush and disliked convoluted stories. The faster she could get to the end of the story, the faster she could try and figure out something to do about it.

"Oh no," she said, her hand coming up to cup in front of her mouth. Her feelings split into a conflicted web of sympathetic pain. She knew her boy's very well and sent a quick glanced towards the stairs, her expression dropping into a soft frown. Mary had been very in tune with the news, trying to bring together facts she'd been unaware of or missing while she'd been gone. Her stomach clenched tightly as she recalled the images that had flashed across the evening news and the stories accompanying them. It didn't surprise her that Dean hadn't known. Not unless he'd been told. News had never been his thing anyway and he tended to get tunnel vision when it came to his family. Before she'd started working full time over-seas she'd seen it developing in him at a young age. On the playground, if he saw Sam knocked over or a scrape on his knee he'd go push the other kid into the ground, not waiting for Sam's tears over the scrape to stop to see whether or not it had been an accident. And while she didn't know Castiel very personally, what she had seen of him made him seem a very sensitive boy. Kind. And someone that that took others very seriously. She let her hand drop to John's chest and shook her head slowly. "That poor boy."

"Which one," John said with a dry, humorless chuckle as he focused to stare on the TV.

Mary's lip quirked a little as she snuggled closer to him. "Castiel. With everything that's going on, well. I'm sure Dean didn't help anything... do you know when this happened? Sammy told me he hadn't heard from Cas at all."

John shrugged and moved his other arm to drape across the back of the couch, "No idea. School I guess. Sam hasn't gone."

Mary nodded slowly and let her hands run idly up and down her husband's stomach. After a moment of silence she spoke up, "What do we do?"

"I was hoping you'd have the answer to that."

"Well," she said, sitting up a little further and turned so that she could tuck one leg underneath her, the other hanging off the couch. "First, I guess we get in contact with... whoever Castiel's guardian is. Have you tried calling?"

John looked to the slide a little guiltily. It hadn't exactly been something he was interested in. As far as he had been concerned was that the entire family could go to hell and rot there. Other than a few times Sam had brought it up he hadn't even given a second thought to the Novak boy. "I haven't heard anything."

Mary smacked his arm with the back of her hand, "You didn't even try, you liar." She pursed her lips and glared at him, "I know you want to help Sam. Making sure his best friend was okay probably would've been a good way to help."

John threw his arms up in the air and gave her a look, "Well, I get that now! Wasn't exactly a priority at the time. For all I knew the kid was in on it!"

"John!"

"Doesn't matter now tho', does it," he continued, crossing his arms over his chest and scooting a little away so they were face to face. "We know better now. No use feeling guilty about things we could've done."

Mary shook her head and rubbed at her temples. She loved him, she really did, but he was practical to a fault. It was one of the reasons she secretly relished her time abroad, it was a lot easier coming home when they hadn't been butting heads all week. "We do know better now," she said diplomatically, not wanting to get into an argument. The tensions in the house were high enough already, her own included. She took a deep breath and stood up. John watched her walk over to a little cabinet and take out a notepad and pen, "Write down the name of the doctor and the number for the hospital. And the cops that you talk to, too. We can probably get contact info from them." She leaned down and kissed him on the forehead, "I'm going to bed." John sighed and held onto her hand for a little while he took the notepad and pen from her. He closed his eyes while she kissed him and watched her walk past the stairs and back to their bedroom. He wrote down the information he could remember and followed, after aimlessly watching TV for awhile. Mary had a way of pushing buttons and fighting with an unmatched fire for things she cared for, especially when it came to family. She also had a knack for making him feel guilty, and guilt became anger, but it wasn't like he'd ever claimed to be the most emotionally balanced person on the planet. And hell his one track mind and quick emotional transgression had been a useful personally trait while he'd been in the trenches. John shook his head and stood in front of the door to their bedroom and smiled despite the fallout of the night sitting tightly in his chest. It'd been awhile since he'd been able to have a warm body next to him.

Silently, he slid in next to her and wrapped one arm around her waist, pulling her closer. "The information's on the kitchen table," he murmured. Mary turned around and he felt her smile in the darkness.

"Thank you baby," she whispered, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "Now it's time for sleep. I have to get up early in the morning."

True to her word, she did. Mary woke up at 6:30 to get ready. She shuffled out into the kitchen and started making a quick breakfast for herself before pulling up the list of numbers. The computer hummed as she looked through for opening hours. She waited for 7am to roll around and looked through the stack of papers they'd received through the hospital, officers, and the lawyers that had been contacting them, wanting the case since they had no official lawyer. There were even some papers asking if they would be doing their own law suite or if they would be joining their case with that of the Novak children, and even those letters didn't tell her much. But more than likely the state would make a case on behalf of Castiel and Social Services would be brought in with their own attorneys but past that nothing. She sipped on her coffee as she felt a headache brewing from looking at the papers. No amount of TV show drama's could've prepared her for how fast things seemed to be moving. She glanced up at the ceiling towards Sam's room and her shoulder's sagged. While the proceedings would no doubt take months before they even made it to court, and the session itself at least a week, she wished her son could have a longer time to recuperate from the incident before fighting the legal battle.

They were only kids.

7am rolled around and she dialed the hospital first, giving the specifics of the how she knew the patient and about her son, and how they hadn't been told anything through the police and just needed to know they were okay. As she was on the phone she heard creaking on the stairs. She glanced to the side as Dean trudged down, eye swollen completely shut and the bruise shining a little even in the dim light. He glanced over to her a little confused but turned immediately, kicking on his shoes and leaving the house as she tried to wave him over. Mary had intended to offer Dean a free sick day to stay home. But she should've known better. He would've never accepted it, but he could've at least eaten breakfast to humor her.

"Are you still there?"

"Yes ma'am. I'm sorry, could you repeat that number?" Mary asked, snapping out of her thoughts and grabbing a pen from the desk. She repeated the number back to the woman on the other line and set the phone down with a thank you. They hadn't been able to offer her much information, just the name of the woman taking care of them. Anna Milton, they'd said, the aunt. They weren't staying at the children's wing anymore. She was in the middle of staring at her phone, wondering what time would be an appropriate time to call before hearing more creaking from upstairs. She stood up form her chair and walked to the stairs as Sam waddled down them. "Morning baby," she said with a smile, opening her arms and pulling Sam into them as he got to the last step. "You're up early."

"Have to go to school," Sam said, sleepily, rubbing at his eyes.

"Are you sure?" Mary asked, guiding him into the kitchen and pulling out a chair for both him and her.

Sam nodded sleepily and put his head in his arms as he got comfy. "Mmm."

"You know you don't have to. You can take a few more days off," she offered gently, pushing back a strand of his hair behind his ear.

Sam shook his head in his arms, "No... I'm... Cas' dad is locked up. My neck doesn't look so bad anymore," he mumbled, "and I need to see Cas."

Mary smiled at her son even tho' he couldn't see it and rubbed his back, "It does look better doesn't it?" She paused for a second, considering. It was a good sign that Sam felt he was ready to go out. He'd been cooped up in the house for, counting the end of the week, two weeks. It would do him to good to go out but she wasn't sure if school was the best place to start. She knew how high school could be, and how fast things spread. "I got the number for Cas' aunt, Anna? She's the one taking care of them," she offered instead.

Sam's head lifted from his hands at that, "Anna? The one that was sick?"

"If I remember you telling me correctly, yes," she said, although with the new information that had come in on the case and how the TV continued to allude to the severity of the injuries she had to wonder if the woman had ever been sick, if it had just been something Lucifer had told his sons to tell others.

"That's good," Sam said, nodding his head. He brightened up a little more as he woke up, registering that they finally had a lead. "Can we call them now?"

Mary chuckled softly and stood up to prepare Sam breakfast. "It might be a little early for that, but if you want to make sure Cas is okay, we can wait a few hours and then call. If you want to, you don't have to go to school just to make sure."

Sam shook his head, "No. If Dean.. thought that and if he yelled at Cas somewhere other kids heard, I have to set it right. He's got some bullies that are probably going after him and I gotta be there to protect him. Like he protected me."

"You've got a big heart Sam," she said, coming over to ruffle his hair before pulling out the eggs.

Sam blushed a little but didn't try and disagree beyond a tired shake of his head. It was just the right thing to do. Yeah, he was still scared. Not because he thought he was going to get attacked around the corner, but it wasn't like he didn't know that high school didn't need any help to be cruel and crazy. A part of him felt anxious and jittery and wanted nothing more than to go back upstairs and curl up in bed, or watch lame daytime cartoons with his mother. And even if he still, when he settled for too long, felt two long hands form around his neck, it was something he needed to do, and it also helped his anxiety that he had his mom to break open to. He'd found that some of the nightmares stopped earlier now. So yeah, he had his mom.

Cas had no one. Not really. Not someone who knew Cas like Mary knew him. Sam was happy that Uriel seemed to be stepping up into a big brother role but couldn't find it in him to believe that it was the same as having his mom hold him, or hell, if he was going to be completely fair, even Dean standing up for him and taking care of him. Or his dad there to make all the big calls so they could all try and breathe a little easier. So no, he needed to get to school and face the world. If he got scared he knew he could call his mother to pick him up, or find Dean. Which reminded him, "Where's Dean?" He'd gotten up an extra hour early from their usual time to make sure that he was actually ready to go. Sam hadn't seen his brother last night since their talk but figured that Dean had at least figured out the truth. Otherwise John wouldn't have come to talk to him. So he had no idea what Dean was feeling or thinking. A part of him had briefly thought it would've been nice for Dean to have come in and told him, but knowing his brother he'd spend some quiet thinking time to himself first. With only about forty minutes left to get ready to go to school he was surprised the smell of scrambled eggs hadn't sent him own already. No matter how guilty he felt.

Mary gave a sad smile as she added a little pepper into the pan and put two pieces of toast int the toaster. "He left already."

Sam's eye brow twitched up a little, "It's barely past seven."

Mary nodded and stirred the eggs, "He was out the door at almost exactly seven. Didn't even stop for a kiss goodbye."

Sam frowned and felt a touch of anger at his brother drift away. Early was unusual enough for Dean but to just walk past their mom after not seeing her in months? He glanced around the kitchen then and noticed that the only utensils being used were to make him breakfast, and the coffee pot being on, implying that Dean hadn't even grabbed himself food. He sighed and slumped in his seat. Yeah. He was still a little mad. Dean shouldn't have said that to Cas and he'd better spend the rest of his life making it up to him, but if he was going to be honest, Dean wasn't the malicious type either. And Dean was still his older brother no matter what. "He's gonna be okay," Sam said to the table, trying to convince himself out loud.

"Your brother's a tough kid," was all his mother supplied as she made a plate for Sam and put it out in front of him. "I'll drive you to school. Your dad doesn't have work until noon so I can drive."

Sam nodded and gave his mother a grateful smile, digging in as she disappeared to get dressed. He chewed through his meal slowly, the food as tasty as it was feeling a little rubbery as he tried to push the nasty feelings in his gut away. He'd hope to have been able to talk to Dean before anything else happened but avoidance was classic Dean Winchester. Sam figured he got it from their dad. He just hoped that Dean didn't find Cas first and accidentally make things worse. With that thought, he stuffed down the rest of his food and sprinted upstairs to get dressed. They were out the door in the next twenty minutes and towards the school.

**A/N: Anyone else super disappointed in tonight's Supernatural episode? 'Cause I was.**


	23. Cut Me An Olive Branch

**Re-Written Dec 20th 2012 **

**Chapter 22; Cut Me An Olive Branch **

Dean had arrived early, with the hope of catching Cas somewhere in the corner hiding out. He spent the entire morning searching frantically, movements rushed so that he would have to double back in some of the areas he'd looked in, just in case he missed something. He leaned back against a wall, frustrated, and then marched into a bathroom. He leaned over the sink and stared at himself in the mirror before turning the faucet on. The water was nice and cold as he cupped it and splashed it over his face. He let it run down his face and down his neck as he stayed with his head bowed over the sink. Dean was so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he didn't even hear the door swing open and shut. The man who'd entered stared at Dean's back for awhile before speaking up.

"You okay, Winchester?"

"What?" Dean said, snapping his head up and looking at the person behind him. The name of the stranger passed him for a second, tho' he knew he'd seen the face before.

"It's about your brother, right?" the other boy asked, shrugging his shoulders as he moved to the other sink and started washing his hands.

"What the hell do you want?" Dean snapped. 'Fuck did this kid know, anyway.

"Hey it's okay," the boy said raising his hands up defensively with a half smirk. Dean's eyes narrowed a little as he took the boy in. He knew they were in the same grade, he'd seen him around too much for them not to be but there was something disturbingly familiar. If he could just get his head out of his ass to figure out. "I gotta admit, man. I'm impressed with your self-control," the boy laughed, "I would've killed that little shit if I'd been you."

"Who?"

"Should've know this was gonna happen. I told myself I knew why he'd gotten on my shit list so quick-" Dean felt his control snap as he finally recognized the face. "That Castiel kid really needed to learn his pl-"

The wall shook a little as Dean launched forward, curling his hands into the lapels of the other teens jacket. A puff of air and a squeak escaped the other boy as he collided with the wall, Dean crowding into his space. "Don't talk about shit you don't understand," he growled out.

"Dirk?"

Dean's head snapped around at the door, he had to be really not to have noticed either of them enter. "I know you," Dean hissed out. He was a little relieved he hadn't just thrown a stranger into a wall because he was too high strung. He'd only ever seen small things, Sam hadn't done a lot of name dropping on the people that picked on him and Cas (well, mainly Cas), so it had made sense he couldn't remember the older brother's name. This kid, he knew. Roy. The little shit that had English with them and spent it tormenting the two. The kid's eyes were wide as he glanced nervously between his brother and Dean.

Dean wasn't the only one who had been agitated and not being able to find Cas, the other party was only a little more clued in. Meg's frustration since the first few disappearances of her favorite plaything had only grown with how difficult it was to get near him. The news had exploded over the school like a wild forest fire. First the fight and then the news reports had started rolling in. Most of the kids didn't spend a lot of time watching the evening news so the "truth" for the most part circulating around was Dean's little explosion at the creepy, lonely, gay kid who fed his friends to his dad. They kept saying maybe that's why they moved districts. There had been a bitter rush of disgust in Meg's stomach as the news had started filtering in. She'd spent long hours in front of the TV. Her favorite toy had been sullied. She wasn't sure if he could ever be scrubbed clean, but to find that out, she would have to get her toy first and he'd been suspiciously absent. There had been whispers of it coinciding with a disappearance of a few other kids who she'd figured out (through various sources) had attacked Castiel in the bathroom. Meg figured he wasn't likely to return soon. So, Meg deployed her favorite drones. If there was anyone who had any news on Cas it would be the Winchester family and with Sam still absent she'd told Dirk and Roy to shadow Dean. Judging by the rumors of how violent their little yelling match had been, Dean might be able to find comradeship in Dirk. Perfect information back.

Those had been the assumptions that they had stalked Dean Winchester into the bathroom with and Roy's heart hammered in his chest as he watched his older brother being lifted a few inches from the ground. Dirk dropped to the ground in a heap as Dean backed up and removed his hands. He turned to the younger kid, fists clenched and trying to control his temper. It wasn't a habit of his to hit younger kids, especially if technically all he was doing was standing there even with the boy's history weighing heavy on his shoulders. "Stay away from Sam and Cas," he finally warned them as he stalked out of the bathroom, giving both of them a look that could wither the Garden of Eden.

Whether it was stupidity or a last ditch effort to try and tap into a hope that the Winchester still hated Cas, Dirk blurted out, "Not like I could do anything to the little shit even if I wanted to."

Dean froze in the door, "What?"

Dirk laughed and slid back up the wall, making sure not to move from it so that he had his back covered in case Dean decided to lunge at him again. "Yeah, some kids jumped him in the bathroom, haven't seen him since. You think you'd be on top of this shit?"

Roy flinched out of the way as Dean took a few angry steps forward, slamming both of his hands on either side of Dirk's head. "I want details. Now."

Dirk's adam's apple bobbed painfully in his throat as he swallowed, trying to move his face away from Dean's fuming one. "I don't know much! Just, got jumped and no one's seen him since!" Dean fought every instinct in him to just beat the boy in front of him to a pulp, but a glance at the younger brother, almost in tears now and hiding in one of the stalls relaxed his fists. He was getting tired of people looking at him like that. Dean pulled back and stormed out of the bathroom, letting the door slam violently shut. He didn't stop walking until he reached the parking lot and slid into his car. He didn't even turn any music on as he pulled out of the parking lot, driving nowhere.

Sam's search for Cas had gone much the same, except without the violence. When he'd first walked up to the school he'd been swarmed by a mass of students all trying to offer him condolences and tell him very sweetly that if he needed anything they would be there for him, and how awful it was to have a friend like that, and if they could just get their hands on him. Sam felt sick an wished that his brother was there.

"Back off harpies!"

Sam grinned from his position, crowded against the wall, having been rendered mute as well as immobile by the onslaught of questions. He watched as Ruby elbowed her way through the crow, catching kids in the ribs and eyes, pulling some people back by their shirt collars. Jess followed behind her, giving a silent glare at those they passed, sticking close to Ruby. He smiled as Ruby reached him and pulled Sam into a tight hug. It almost hurt. "We were so fucking worried."

"You should've called," Jess added as Ruby moved aside enough to let her have her hug.

"I know. I"m sorry," he said, softly clinging to both of them with each arm. "Things've been kinda... overwhelming."

Rubys' face darkened as she pulled Sam into another, one armed hug, noting briefly that they were now the same height when she'd been taller less than half a year ago. "I'm gonna kill that fucker."

"As long as that 'fucker' is Cas' dad I'm all for it," Sam agreed pulling away. He held of of the girls at arms length so that he could catch their eyes. "I don't know what you've heard but Cas saved me."

Ruby and Jess exchanged confused glances, Jess' held more relief than anything in it. Since the news had started circulating she'd had trouble believe that Cas would be capable of something like that. The few glimpses of news her parents let her watch had continued to convince her that Cas was just a victim too, but until she'd heard it from Sam she hadn't made an official opinion. "What?" Ruby asked finally, staring at Sam like he'd grown a second head.

"Cas, he saved me from his dad," Sam said after taking a deep breath, his voice shook a little as he said it, fighting the flashbacks that threatened to spill over. But he'd have to be brave for Cas.

"Is that why," Jess looked around and lowered her voice, "he had all those cuts and bruises?"

Sam's heart stuttered and almost dropped into his gut, turning cold. Of course he'd know that Cas wouldn't be unharmed, it was impossible for him to have gotten out of there without some scares. It just killed him to hear it from someone else and out loud. His own voice lowered as he wrapped his arms around himself. "How bad?"

Jess shrugged and shook her head sadly, looking at Ruby who shrugged too, "I don't actually know. We haven't seen Cas yet, not really. I went to talk to those friends that he had, the one's that are usually in the library? They told me, tho they hadn't really seen him either."

The bell rang shrilly across the campus and it broke the quiet shell they'd had growing around them. "So... Cas saved you, huh?" Ruby said as they turned to face the doors that led to the building. "That's not what's going around."

"I know," Sam said as he stopped walking, eyes glued to the ground. He lifted his head up and looked her straight in the eye, "Help me set it right."

Ruby sighed and rubbed the back of head, "Sounds like a lot of work," Sam pouted looking horrified for a second, "but of course." Jess wrapped both of her arms around Sam and hugged it as her own form of confirmation. "Now come on. Time to face the piranhas."

Halfway through the day Sam had convinced himself that maybe he hadn't been ready at all. At least by English he'd been left alone some more and some of the comments he'd heard whispered were more on the shocked 'fuck, that's what happened?' than the violence he'd heard rumbling that morning. If there was something those two girls could get done it was news circulation. He waited patiently in his usual seat. His arm twitched as someone not Cas sat down in the seat next to him. "Wha-" He never had a chance to finish his sentence as their teacher walked in, the actual teacher with their substitute in tow. She was doing great and was going to start taking over the class again before the semester ended. She thanked them for their essays and Sam felt an anxiety attack rolling forward at every word and second the class continued.

Cas hadn't shown up.

The bell rang and he nearly tumbled out of his seat as he cornered the substitute teacher. "Where's Cas?"

The teacher frowned a little and crossed one leg over the other, leaning back in the chair. "First, how are you doing, Sam?" he asked, tone kind.

Sam flapped his hand in dismissal, "I'm fine. Fine as I can be. Where's Cas?"

The teacher just seemed more confused. He figured if anything that the families involved would be more aware of what's going on than the small slips of paper they were handed down from the office. "I'm not sure if I can share that," he pondered out loud. It wasn't exactly a typical situation and maybe there was even a reason that the young Winchester wasn't supposed to know.

"Please," Sam pleaded.

The teacher sighed and rubbed a hand over the bridge of his nose, massaging it. "I figured you would have known this but Castiel is no longer attending school. Much more than that I don't know."

Sam felt tears prick at the corner's of his eyes as panic swelled in his chest. He walked blindly out of the classroom and past the whispering voices that accompanied him everywhere. He even b-lined it past Jess and Ruby, who had volunteered to walk with him from every class to lighten the crowd control on him, and straight to the counselors office. "I want to go home," he said, hands shaking.

"O-okay, okay," the woman at the reception for the office said, stuttering. They'd been informed that it would be his first day back and that he might need extra help, but that didn't stop her from being slightly taken off guard as the boy stood in front of her desk, shoulder's shaking. "We'll call your mother."

Sam only nodded and let himself drop onto one of the couches in the room. The half hour it took for him to get picked up passed in a daze. He held onto Mary's arm as she led him out of school and into the parking lot, missing the confused looks his mother was giving the receptionist. He hadn't told them anything. The only time Sam said anything was when they got to the car. He stared at the slightly worn down Honda. "Bobby let me borrow one of the cars he's got sitting around gathering dust," Mary explained as she opened the door for him. They sat in the parking lot in silence as she let her son gather himself. "What's wrong baby?" she asked as she turned the radio on for background music. "Did something happen?"

Sam swallowed thickly and his shoulders shuddered as he spoke, "Cas isn't going to school anymore."

There was a small pause before Mary rubbed a hand through his hair, "I know."

"You know?!" Sam said, head snapping up and feeling betrayed. He'd thought-

"I got in contact with Anna Milton," Mary explained, knowing exactly where her sons mind was going. Her voice softened as she put the car in reverse and started backing out of the parking lot now that it seemed like her son wasn't going to have an immediate breakdown before they made it to the house. It wasn't exactly safe driving to let go of the wheel just to wrap her son in her arms. "She told me that they're going to home school him."

Sam stared blankly at his mother, trying to get all the information to properly feed into his brain. 'Home-schooling'. He clenched his teeth together. That would mean he'd probably never see Cas again. Except for maybe in court. His stomach knotted further. He hadn't even wanted to think about the next steps that he'd have to follow. "Home schooling?" he whispered, repeating after her.

"Mhmm. Miss Milton said that there had been an incident following his return to school to where it would be safer for Cas' health to be home-schooled for now," she said, voice low. She hadn't pried into the details of the incident, even if Anna had admitted to not knowing much herself. Anna had discovered to know enough that it was a common problem for Cas, having talked to a few people at the school as they signed the paper work to pull him out. With the brewing storm that rippled through the community with every new piece of information, it was probably better that he was kept at home. She glanced at Sam, wondering briefly if she should do the same for her own son. When she looked at him she his eyes, wide and fearful. "What's wrong, Sammy?"

"They're not staying at that house, are they?" Sam asked, his voice breaking and squeaking. Judging by how pale his skin had gotten, probably about to get sick too.

"Oh- oh no," she assured him, reaching over and wrapping one of his hands into her own. She brushed her thumb over his knuckles and squeezed tightly. "They're currently living at a hotel. With no other family nearby Miss Milton had to make arrangements until it's decided what family they'll be going with."

"Family? But-"

Mary interrupted before he could fall into a full blown panic. It didn't seem like the appropriate time to discuss that with no other family in town and even if Uriel could somehow snag custody, or that they didn't go to Anna, Cas wouldn't be staying. Either being shipped off to relatives or the foster care system would take him. "We can visit."

Although Sam's face was still pale with worry, a constant shadow behind his eyes, a smile lit up on his face. He squeezed his mother's hand tightly, "Really?"

"Yes, really," She said, smiling as they pulled up to their house.

"Can we go no?" he asked, eagerly turned around to face his mother instead of trying to take his seat belt off.

"How about we go in and eat something first. I'll call her and see when would be appropriate," she compromised. She'd expected to pick up Sam later in the evening or have Dean bring him home, but nothing in recent times had exactly gone as expected. Sam pouted and seemed like he was going to argue but she reached over and ruffled his hair. "I promise we can go see him today, but we want to make sure they're all awake and not busy, right?" Sam nodded but didn't seem happy about it. "Besides, wouldn't you want your brother to be there too?" she asked with a little more reservation. Anna hadn't mentioned anything about that incident and hadn't even sounded vaguely upset so Mary made an educated guess that the woman wasn't aware of what had happened. She didn't know why Cas hadn't told her but figured at the very least it wasn't appropriate to oust someone without talking to them first.

Sam sighed, his shoulders heaving up and then down dramatically. He stared out of the windshield for a little bit before taking the seat belt off. He nodded more to himself than anything,"Yeah. Dean needs to apologize to Cas."

"It's only a few more hours left until school ends. Cas isn't going anywhere, okay baby?"

Sam smiled a little and nodded again. "Are there any desserts?"

"Of course."


	24. Know Me From Adam

**Re-written Dec. 20****th**** 2012 **

**Chapter 23: Known Me From Adam**

Mary called Anna sometime after she'd made Sam some lunch. They'd agreed on a quick visit around the afternoon, and from the sound of the other woman's voice she was relieved to have someone drop by. The short conversations they'd had revealed that she was largely alone on the matter. There was no other family to really contact and even if she'd known how to, and Anna wasn't convinced they'd come within a spitting distance to the mess. They waited until well after 4, the latest (without any after school activities) it took Dean to get home, but the longer the minutes ticked away the further it became clear that they would not be hearing the rumble of the Impala's engine anytime soon. John had called earlier saying he had a few more tasks to finish at work and after making a not too happy noise at the idea of them visiting Cas (too many variables to go wrong he'd said)and told them just to leave him some leftovers. Sam was staring out the window and down the street, worrying the pad of his thumb between his teeth. He pulled out his phone and texted his brother for the third time in the last half an hour as the hour hand slowly inched towards the 5.

"It's getting late," Sam complained, feeling irritation grate inside him at his brother. They'd finally pegged down Cas, he'd finally see his friend again and Dean had decided to take an unannounced field trip. He wasn't sure if he could handle too many more days without making sure that Cas was okay. He turned around and walked back to the table where his mother sat idly fiddling through papers.

"It's a little unusual," Mary admitted, stacking the papers neatly to the side.

She motioned with her arm for Sam to come forward and she gave him a one armed squeeze. "We could go tomorrow?"

Sam shook his head vigorously and pulled back a little out of arms reach. "Dean has a car, we can just text him or leave him a voicemail about where we are," Sam rushed out now anxious. He'd been waiting all day since he'd first gotten the pit of anxiety in his gut at his best friends absence.

"Okay, okay," Mary said softly brushing an open palm down his arm. She smiled softly trying to ease her son's growing panic. "That sounds like a good plan."

As Sam ran upstairs to get himself a sweater to toss on in the cold weather Mary thumbed through her phone and left Dean a voicemail. It wasn't as if it was the first time Dean had forgotten to notify someone at home about his plans, but the emotional weight of the past few weeks made her nervous. "One son at a time," she told herself with a sigh as Sam thundered back down the stairs and bolted straight into the hallway to toss his shoes on.

The longer the drive took the more anxious Sam got. He began fiddling with the loose threads on his jeans first before going to drumming his fingers on the handle to the door. Images flashed through his mind and his stomach curdled like rotten milk at every new one that popped into his brain. He'd had to pinch himself eventually to try and make them stop. Sam prayed his imagination wasn't anywhere close to the truth but just in case it was, he'd told himself he needed to be strong. Cas had stood up for him, now it was time for him to stand up for breath seemed to come in shorter breaths as they pulled up into the parking lot of the rather nice hotel that they'd been told Anna was renting out during the proceedings. Sam had felt a boulder of fear lifted from his shoulders when he'd realized that Cas wasn't being made to stay at the place where every shadow probably spoke volumes of abuse to him, his mother had told him they weren't but it helped to have visual conformation. That he didn't have to sleep in a bed where Lucifer had- Sam wouldn't let his thoughts wonder further, bringing his hand up to his throat where the bruises were pretty much invisible now.

He wondered if Cas still had any.

Sam roused out of his thoughts as Mary gently touched him on the shoulder and darted her eyes from him to the door to the hotel entrance. Sam nodded and took a deep breath, shaking a little. After locking the car Mary moved over to her son and firmly took his hand in hers, smiling down at him. They walked at Sam's pace.

The large doors to the entrance slid open to reveal a beige, golden wall and fixture scheme with a red carpet and furniture layout. Both Sam and Mary gave a small cringe, it looked a little tacky. Mary's eyes scanned the room as she tugged Sam along a little until she noticed a tall pale woman with shock bright red hair. If it weren't for assurances that they were related and the legal back up for it Mary wasn't sure if she would've believed her to be family. She waved her free arm to get the woman's attention. Anna Milton's gaze finally locked on them and she gave a shaky smile. They walked forward as she smoothed her palms down the two sides of her pale black, more on a dark gray, pencil skirt. Her eyes darted around nervously never lingering too long on either Winchester.

"Mary Winchester," Mary said politely extending her hand when they were within reach, "and this is my son, Sam."

Anna's hand flew out almost too fast, there was a small tremor in it as they shook. Her hand hovered as they let go, unsure of how to greet Sam. Although she'd had a few lifetimes worth of shocks seeing her own two nephews, especially Cas in the condition they were in, and knowing what had happened, it didn't make it any easier facing Sam. Her eyes darted to his neck and a small bit of her eased when she couldn't harshly notice any marks that she'd been told by the officers her brother had left on the child. Luckily for both of them, Sam was ever the diplomat and eager to reach out to anyone who helped his best friend, especially what he considered 'non-shitty family', moved forward. He held out his hand with a small defiant tilt of his chin. Anna smiled shakily and shook his hand, "Anna Milton. It was, very nice of you to come."

"Where's Cas?" Sam butted in before anymore pleasantries could be exchanged.

Anna's eyes darted towards the ceiling and a little to the side, probably imagining where the room was in her head. "He's upstairs, he should be done with all of his work. He's been very diligent about that," she said, trailing off towards the end obviously not knowing how to handle the situation. "Would you like to go see him now?" she recovered with.

Sam nodded enthusiastically and started pulling Mary towards the elevator behind Cas's aunt. Anna shuffled side to side a little in the elevator, sending glances out of the corner of her eye towards Sam as the light climbed up the buttons. She opened and closed her mouth a few times in attempt to say something, but really what could be said? I'm sorry my brother abused you? I'm sorry my brother assaulted your son? I'm sorry no one saw the signs? There weren't really any words that she could provide so after a few more attempts she resigned herself, her shoulders dropping a bit. It briefly occurred to her she hadn't let Cas know he was going to be having visitors. She was really not cut out for this. Something like this should've never happened. The doors dinged open and Sam's breath caught a little in his throat, this time his mother guiding him out and forward. They walked a little further, Sam's steps becoming more and more hesitating as they walked forward. Anna stopped at the main door to the suite, Sam halting and his mother further back. His face was pale and his hand had started to shake a bit. Mary looked down at her son and rubbed a thumb over his knuckles.

"What's wrong baby?" she asked softly signaling Anna to wait.

"What if he really doesn't want to see me?" Sam whispered quietly, panic evident in the tremor in his voice. The thought hadn't really spent too much time in his brain after he'd given it the initial brush overs due to his brother's behavior. Now, two feet from the door to his best friend his legs were lead as he thought about his best friend hating him.

Mary's eyes softened as she guided Sam to a small sitting bench that they had littered through some of the hallways. She knelt down on the ground and took both of her son's hands into hers and lifted them up to her face. She gave them a gentle kiss and tilted her head to catch Sam's eyes. "I'm sure he wants to see you, but how about this," she offered gently "I'll go in first and then you can follow in a few minutes. You can just wait out here and listen a bit and then when you feel okay you just come in?" She glanced at Anna as she said it who shrugged but nodded in agreement.

Sam sniffled a little. He felt like a coward. "Okay," came the choked out answer. His skin felt like ants were crawling under it every time he looked at the door and thought about Cas hating him. Tho' he couldn't exactly argue to himself that there wasn't a lot to blame on his part. He leaned into the tight embrace his mother gave him and tried to take steadying breaths as she walked up to the door with Anna. Cas's aunt opened the door after a soft knock and a 'Cas'. She flipped on the hallway light and glanced around towards the fold out couch bed that the boy had practically taken over to spread out all of his schoolwork on. He was curled up a little in one of the corners, arms snugly held around a pillow in front of him as the TV played some show quietly in front of him. He raised himself a little slowly off the couch.

Cas's heart stopped beating as he took in the woman standing next to his aunt.

Tears sprung from his eyes and his chest seized tightly. He pushed himself further back into the couch trying to hide himself away. He refused to look at her face, finding that he didn't need the expression he'd seen plastered on his own face in the mirror for far too long on her soft and gentle one. The ugly sneer that spread across his features every time he looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. Every time he caught a glimpse of himself in the reflection of the windows or the glass on top of the tables. If he'd had the strength to he probably would've smashed his reflection in. But that coupled with the bill it would probably put on his aunt, and his brothers watchful eye had kept him largely under check. It hadn't stopped him from bitterly fantasizing about getting what he deserved for his weakness.

He could hear his throat let out a whimper he'd tried desperately to clamp down. This wasn't about him, this was about Sam, and what he'd let happen to their family by not being more vigilant. By not being stronger or better. His mouth felt sticky as he tried to open it to bubble out and I'm sorry but he shut it tightly as he felt more wheezing in his chest that could turn into whimpers. Cas flinched as a hand touched his arm gently, running down to where some the nicks and bruises on his wrist and arms were showing. Some from the beat down in the bathroom and some from when his father had tied him up with the bracelet and necklace, not that it mattered to him anymore where they came from. He held his breath and watched out of the corner of his eye as Mary's eyes examined some of the newer bruises and the ugly scars from the ones his father had left him. Her hand lifted and gently ran across the ridge that now permanently graced his eyebrow. He whimpered a little at the touch and once more tried to get his mouth to spit out the 'I'm sorry' that would never seem to be enough.

Instead he felt the couch dip a little and warm hands encircle him pulling him slowly and gently into her warm lap. He felt her squeeze him tightly, wrapping as much of his body as she could into her arms and resting her head on top of his.

"It's okay, Castiel."

A wail escaped from Cas's mouth as he completely sank into Mary.

She whispered softly and rocked back and forth humming a tune that Cas could only barely recognize through the sobs that now would not stop shaking his body. His heart burned as he tried to get out the words, the don't be's, and the it's my fault's, and the how can you be so nice's. But none of it made it past the tight clench of his chest, giving more fuel to the quiet screams. His voice had gotten tired of wailing.

He continued to quietly sob into her shirt as she kissed the top of his head. "It's okay." A loud whine tore through Cas's throat.

Cas pulled back frantically, grimacing at the smear that his tears and runny nose had left on her shirt. He wiped at his face angrily, eyes red rimmed and swollen halfway shut, he pulled his hands up and clenched them into his hair, practically screaming "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Please, I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me."

"Cas."

Cas pulled further away from Mary almost in the same movement he'd pulled away from Mary from. He looked at the doorway where his aunt still stood awkwardly. Shimmying his way through the door was Sam.

Images of his father's hands tight around Sam's neck spread in front of his eyes. The terror and pleading in his best friends eyes as his father's hands had threateningly moved across him.

"Please don't hate me!" he wailed out followed by a babbled attempt at an I'm sorry. Cas didn't get very far as Sam marched across the room, tears already dripping down his own cheeks.

With his recent growth spurt it didn't take him long at all to cross the threshold and move over the fold out couch. He blindly reached forward, his vision now blurred and pulled Cas sharply towards him. Cas choked out another sob at the same time as Sam. His hands clutched tightly at Sam's shirt as he burried himself into it, halfway curling up trying to duck his head in shame.

"As long as you don't hate me," Sam squeaked out, his voice breaking a little, causing Cas's voice to die out and silent sobs to rake through his body.

Mary slid away from the two boys, running a gentle hand down each boys back. She moved as quietly as she could towards Cas's aunt as the boys clung to each other tighter, broken sentences muffled by more sobs and gentle shakes of heads. Mary found Anna's eyes and with a nod of her head indicated towards the door. The other woman looked uncomfortable for a second. "We'll leave the door cracked," Mary whispered stepping closer. There were some things a mother could do. Several things a mother could fix, tape together, tighten a loose screw, put a band aid on a scrape, but there were also things that a mother could not do. With a tight chest and a sadness creeping through her shoulders she watched the two boys hold each other knowing this was one of those things she couldn't magically talk better. They stepped out into the hallway and let the door swing silently so that it was open enough for them to only catch small snippets of apologies and sniffles that echoed eerily loudly down the entire hall. They stood there quietly leaned against separate sides of the door as the sobs lessened and the words lessened. Anna glanced in through the crack of the door briefly a soft expression on her face. After almost an hour of silent standing in the hallway the boy's were quietly holding each other amidst the now hurricane mess of Cas's schoolwork strewn about them. She pulled back and stared at Mary and her somber expression.

"You're good at this," Anna said softly, a strong feeling of regret trailing after the statement. She knew logically that the dam had to break at some point, and that Cas knew these people, but it didn't make her feel better that she hadn't been able to do anything for her nephew.

Mary smiled at her, expression as soft as it had been when she'd pulled Cas into her arms. "Hardly, I'm just as lost at sea as you are." She paused and glanced into the room herself, "Sometimes... sometimes there's not much else that will help than finally tumbling down."

Anna nodded silently fumbling with her phone nervously. "Still, thank you. I woul-," her face scrunched up in a small bit of self loathing at the over-sight she'd noticed - "you know it didn't even occur to me just to hold him."

"You have kids Miss Milton?"

"Anna, please, and no."

"From what I understand your family had never been close either," Mary stated more than asked pulling out her own phone to see if Dean had responded. It was already nearing 8 and it was dark outside, but no response from her son.

"Not particularly no, I didn't even-" Anna paused a sighed, "I haven't even seen Cas other than in a picture I think as a baby. I don't remember even remember if I've ever met my own nephew."

Mary hummed and turned to look her straight in the eye. "But you came didn't you? Dropped everything and came for this nephew you don't even remember meeting?"

Anna looked puzzled, her brows coming together, "Yeah, well. Of course, I mean. He's family."

"Then you did just fine Anna, just fine," Mary replied giving her an encouraging touch on the shoulder. She left Anna to stand in the hallway for a second as she walked back into the hotel room. Cas and Sam had fallen asleep wrapped around each other, eyes bright red around the edges and puffy, sticky patches on their shirts where they had used them to wipe off their faces. Anna followed her after staring down the corridor for a second, feeling her own chest lighten. From the snippets she'd gotten out of Cas, she thought she could understand a little bit the what had seemed a little like hero worship for the other family.

The Winchesters sure were something.

Anna closed the door behind her as Mary began moving papers off of the fold out bed. "You're welcome to stay here tonight," she started softly while she moved to help the other woman with the papers, "seems a shame to wake them. Or Sam can spend the night here if he wants. I can get a room for you or get an extra bed brought in. I sleep in the adjourning room."

Mary put her pile of papers neatly on the desk beside the bed and pulled the blanket out from under the two and then over them. It didn't look like they would be awake anytime soon. "That would be lovely," she replied as she hunted down a few tissues and wiped the worst of the mess off the boy's faces. "An extra bed and a coffee would be great if you could." Anna nodded and put away her own stack, looking around the room.

"Here's Cas's key," she said grabbing the rectangular piece of plastic off of the dresser and handing it to her. "I'll be right back." She paused at the door, "And thank you again."

The door closed with a soft click and Mary lowered herself into the arm chair next to the couch with a soft groan. She watched the boys, snoring now, for a little before pulling out her phone and dialing her husband. The conversation was short and a little clipped, John not quite understanding why they had to spend the night, why they couldn't come home and ending with a brief discussion to tell Dean to text her. John informed her that he hadn't come home yet. Mary pulled the phone from her ear for a second and checked the clock on it. Almost nine. Her voice gave way to droplets of worry as she asked John to let her know when he was then, which was followed by a stern promise to deal with it when the boy came home. Mary told him not to be too harsh on him. That it'd been a rough few days for Dean too. To which John replied with a sharp 'it has been for all of us' and a promise, and an I love you before the line went dead.

With a soft sigh she closed her own phone after muttering out her own 'love you too', hoping that John wouldn't be too angry simply because he'd worried her. She'd known from the start that he had an odd way of expressing his love, being excessively angry at others when she was anywhere from slightly bothered to upset being one of them.

Although it would turn out that it was something she shouldn't have had to worry about as midnight rolled around and Dean had still not returned home.


	25. Important

**A/N .1 ; **Random thoughts while writing this. **Warning; will be a little rambly. It's hard to get these types of thoughts together. **Originally I was not going to publish any thoughts until I was done with the story but the amount I've written **(and I'm in the middle of re-writes for the chapters, don't think I've given up on updating the story ; please check them out. How the hell did you guys let me get away with writing drunk and not editing sober?)** and where we are in the story, this needs to be pointed out. Because I am dealing with a difficult subject, and maybe this should've been something in the original A/N from chapter one but these are feelings I've had to develop while writing and seeing just how far this story is going. I've spent half a year on this story. I've written 100k+ in content, the first two Harry Potter books were 90k and some change. I _never _expected this story to go on so long or have so much stuff in it. But I kept realizing things that mattered that I would have to explain. And I apologize profusely to those who will be sad, angry, or disappointed that this was not a new chapter. I hate, hate doing this. But I felt that this needed to be pointed out. Thank you for following the story and having the patience to experience this with me. 

**.2 ; **If you have ever experienced something like this or have friends or work in the field with this; and any of my thoughts or research are not doing the issue at hand justice, please send me a note. Drop me some knowledge so I can re-write and make sure this story does not misrepresent the pain and suffering the people involved experience. I pray that while writing this I have never belittled or misrepresented the horror of the topic on hand. Because it is not okay. When I got the prompt I was warned that it was on a _dark _subject. I went ahead and said okay, because just to my personal speakings you do not get to turn a blind eye to something hard because it does happen. As a person you owe not to blink an eye, to go through the awful emotions that you feel and the rage because these people had to experience it. If something makes you uncomfortable and that's generally a sign of something that you shouldn't look away from. I had my reservations about writing a story like this because it is such a big, awful thing that exists. Way. Too. Often. And lord knows I will _never _have the right words to say. I will _never _be able to make this story do the people that have been hurt by rape, especially as children and by their own family, justice. I can't. Because I don't know what it's like to go through this type of life. I can only take emotions I've felt in my life and try and adapt them to the story. I can not fathom the amount of psychological twists and pain that goes into this situation; for everyone involved.

First, I'd like to mention, not all abuse cases are the same. Sometimes there's physical evidence, sometimes there's not. There is an entire world and a half of things that go into child abuse, sexual or not. The small things that make all the difference, make a difference. Please, after reading this story do not think that this is the 100% truth. It has parts. Yes. I did a lot of research and watched footage to last a lifetime on this awful shit. And it is haunting.

When I was given the prompt I wrote it because it's important. I believe that stories, fiction, help make things that are abstract in our personal life more real to us. Reading fiction stories all my life have taught me _all _of my important morals. And when people create characters, when you see their lives and what they go through, it becomes more personal. It is not a fault not to bawl and cry when we hear news or statistics, they're not real to us. They just aren't. It is human nature, you care because you love and you love what's around you. Loving abstract people or ideas takes a personal relationship, and that is what changes the whole field. It's why I felt that I couldn't shy away from the topic. Because it is... just very haunting. It will stay with me for the rest of my life. A part of me feels like I didn't have the right to write this type of story. I don't know so how dare I speak about it. But those are my own feelings about myself, and I am not the point of this story. So whatever comments, critique I get for it. That's fine. Because I am not the one who suffered this type of life. I can wake up tomorrow morning without those scars. I have the luxury of having a better life than what I've written.

And that's sort of second thing; especially when I look at actors. How can you step into that? When you're playing villains or victims or bystanders, how do you live with getting into that psychie? I'm gonna pull an actor quote (you know who it is) about being being shocked that you could _ever _get into that psychie. And you get terrified that you are that person because you were able to get into that character to represent it. That something inside you existed to be able to draw from, and you feel like you personally did that to the other actor, or character. How do you get into that role and wake up with yourself the next morning and realize you could see that character, and write it or act it. It stays with you. And while I enjoyed writing the good parts (warm and fluffy) , I fucking loved them; Lucifer's parts were the hardest to write. Trying to research and get into that god damn pyschie, was hard. Because I'd read through some parts after I wrote them and in the worst of ways it didn't feel like punching someone in the gut enough, and I'd have to go further into that psychie to... well. The original drafts were very blank, and I went through, and will keep going through re-writes of this entire story, but the Lucifer parts. Originally felt and came off very blank, just lines and things thrown in because when you write characters you gotta _know _your characters. I know I keep using that word but that's what it was. It didn't, represent the human feelings and psychology that goes into that shit. And I did not want to get into Lucifer's head that big to begin with. I did not want to. Because I couldn't personally fathom seeing that side, how the hell is that okay? I've always been interested in criminal psychology, I used to want to go to the FBI Academy until I realized I didn't meet the physical requirements to go through the program. So I've had a long history of research and just wanting to know what hell makes these people tick. Especially child offenders. 'Cause I've got a lil' sister, and I still see her as the small kido that she will always be to me. How could anyone _ever_... well. It's hard for me to think about. The amount of shit that goes into creating a person like this, maybe some of it's biology, some of its social, some of it's god damn personal to their lives. Hell, half of the stories I hear about they were abused as kids themselves so they think it's okay. Or there's a cross wiring of the sex drive. The same way that some people end up wiring sex with fear or pain and for a hand basket of god damn reasons. And I am personally struggling with being able to write this the best I can. Like I mentioned, you don't get the right to look away. There's more to it that I can't explain in this brief author's note but a quick starting point, if you're interested in these subjects I recommend Roy Hazelwood's 'Dark Dreams' as far as criminal psychology goes.

But what I was getting back to. It was and will continue to be... very, difficult and haunting to get into this guy's head. Yes, I have (to the best of my ability) tried to keep the personality canon. It's one of the reasons and specified by my prompter on Lucifer is that he's a manipulator. He's not physical violence. Lucifer is very... 'only if you ask me to' but he will always find a way to make you ask for it so the victim feels like they're at fault and the offender feels they don't have that smudge on their soul. Either by mental boxing since you were small or Stockholm syndrome type, or because there's someone else at risk. And most of the time they play it to their victim, it's their fault. They 'asked' for it. They 'gave consent'. Lord knows that ain't true. Because pain takes as many forms as love does.

A lot of child abuse cases are physically abusive in the awfulest of ways. A lot of it, is not. There are cases that are never documented because there's that manipulation, "if you don't then this". They create a situation where they can't be blamed in the other persons mind because "well you could've done this, but you didn't". Messed up to all hell. And the type of character I wrote _knows _it's messed up. KNOWS it's wrong, so he doesn't want red flags popping up by physical markings that would have people realize it because he wants to continue. He's not an 'urge' offender. I've heard a statistic, and hopefully I can get all the right links for anyone reading for those, most children abducted and have sexual abuse are killed withing 24 hours and are usually hit with the reality of what they've done (and it _does not excuse what they did) _and feel 'remorse'. Urge offenders "fight" it until they can't, they do it, and because they can't live with it they destroy it. Yes; it happens with more normative vices and that behavior exists (like when you fuck up and you just want to erase the fact that you ever made a mistake? From photos to posts to just everything), when you take it into pedophilia or anything that involves sex the drive as far as I understand is like taking a hit of meth and just rushing. And then there's the comedown where you sober up and realize that what just happened was fucked to all levels.

That's not the type of character Lucifer is. I haven't done enough research, and I'm trying to do, on what a pedophile thinks growing up. Because they were 4, 10, 15, 20, etc. at one point in their lives. Did they as children before they had a sex drive have an attraction to something? Or when puberty hit, were people their age or younger the only people they were interested in? When they went to college where they unable to be attracted to people their own age, or older? Or did it have to just that much younger. Why are they stuck at that age? Is it some innocence thing? Because I know 40 year olds that are pearl white in the christian virginal sense. Why aren't those people their preferential? Why is it kids that matter to them? WHY? And it just doesn't make sense to me. So trying to get into Lucifer characters head was and is difficult. I'm going to be writing a court scene where Lucifer's on the stand that's going to try and highlight that and lord knows it's a trigger and just... I hope my readers know that it is HARD as all hell to write him. To be writing Cas, to be writing Sam and have to get into the mind of the offender and in _his _own head think that what he's doing is, well fine and then to the victims. What he thinks to himself, Lucifer thinks he's in the right, he's messed in the head possessive, but he knows the rest of the community and world see it as a sin so he hides to be able to keep going. Lucifer feels... like. God, this is difficult. That that's the way it is.

So far into this story, I just had to pause (half because I'm doing re-writes and I hope you guys don't think I've abandoned the story) to realize that I am _not _taking this issue lightly. This story _will _have a happy ending. The best thing you can ever wish for as a writer is that your story gives hope or some type of 'they're not looking away from it. This exists' thing. It's why it's so important that this story has a happy ending. Because if by some angel you are able to make it through that awful mess, and keep going, things can sometimes end up good. End up okay.

Just. I'm 11 chapters into the re-writes of 23? 24? I don't know anymore; and it's getting more haunting every time I re-write it. I just wanted to make sure that if I have any readers out there who have gone through this experience that if I've made it seem not... that... that I didn't give the situation justice. That I was writing it off as just a "fandom Destiel" thing. Because don't get me wrong, this is a Destiel story. I have wonderful personalities and characteristics to start writing from, and I can't wait until I write and you guys get to see when Dean and Cas get together, and the healing begins. But the topic at hand _is _more important than just the fandom I'm in. And if I've somewhere along the line caused some bad triggers or haven't warned enough or made some situation seem easier than the reality, you are welcome to call me out on it. Please. I want this story to mean something other than drabble.

Like I mentioned I usually don't update a chapter with an A/N; I don't. I _hate _doing that and when I get my acceptance to A03 in December (they gave me a date) and when I compile it on livejournal this will be a bold note to link to at the start and published at the end. But this issue is way too important to care about messing up "story flow" with an author's note. I felt like this needed to be said and if you have any questions or concerns about where characters are headed and if something seems incorrect, I invite you to send me messages about them, and help make this a more worthwhile story to sit through. All issues and concerns and "well what happened after this but you didn't write it" will either get brought up in coda's or in a final Q&A post at the end of the story.

Thank you for reading through my rambling if you made it this far. And I do pray I am not making light of this subject.


	26. I Am Young

**A/N; For those of you that missed it All I Want For Christmas  was published awhile ago. Christmas coda that goes in between some old chapters. + I've re-written every chapter to this point! :] Go check it out if you have the chance!**

**; NO BETA; Written but not re-written. / This chapter takes place the day of Dean finding out about Cas and about... 2-3 weeks since Sam was taken to the hospital and things finally exploded. / Also; there will be notes on this chapter when the story is said and done. **

**Chapter 24: I Am Young **

Dean showed up when the stars were already spreading across the night sky. He drove his Impala into the abandoned back wood area and despite the protests from his car slammed the gas to get her up the hill. He parked her in a corner under trees that were over looking the town and climbed out. His head swam as he stumbled forward, wanting nothing more than to get his brain to shut up. He slammed his baby's door shut and wandered towards his friends. He noted that neither Ash nor Chuck was there; just fragments of people he'd met before. He marched forward and was greeted with a bottle of Jack. Dean clutched the neck of the bottle tightly and tilted it towards his lips. He chugged the burn down as half of the liquid spilled down the sides of his cheeks and down his own neck. He coughed and felt some of the burn explode into his lungs. He coughed as the people around him laughed, offering him bottles and cups of smoother alcohol. He waved them off and spat into the ground before taking another swig.

It was a strangely cloudless sky with the feet of snow they had in late January. Not that they didn't have snow, it just usually wasn't so heavy. He waded through the footsteps of others to the trash can that had been lit on fire to provide them warmth. He grinned and for a moment thought about tossing himself in there as kindling. He shook the thought from his head; you couldn't run from the pain you've caused other people. Still... he was tempted. He moved forward, now 4 gulps into the bottle he'd been handed and felt himself pulled into a one armed hug by someone there. The voice was familiar enough for him to assume they'd played on the soccer team together. They rubbed each other's head's affectionately as he moved further towards the center of the crowd.

He stared at the fire his own mind burning. Dean didn't know what was more painful, the reality of what he had done to the boy, no, near man, that he'd started finally crushed on, or the heat licking up his face as he walked next to the brass tin to accept a cigarette from a stumbling woman. He didn't even smoke.

Dean inhaled the hurricane in his head through his lungs, and felt it bitterly ignite his loathing. He took another drag and imagined his lungs curling up into two black smudges that could never be recovered.

"Dean!" He looked up and smiled, plastering his expression into concrete if he was to survive the night. A woman slung herself at him, one arm on his shoulder and the other slipping past his arm and desperately clinging to his belt loop to keep herself upright. He laughed and said hello, giving her a kiss on the head without even registering what she looked like.

"Where've you been?"

Dean laughed and slung his free arm, sloshing booze over the top of the bottle as he pulled the man close to him. "Around."

They grinned at him and pulled him further into the fire.

The fire sparks, as someone throws in a handful of empty cigarette packs and a beer bottle. Dean finds himself dragged onto a log and sandwiched between two people. They curl next to him, already hammered, one of their hands running across his chest.

"I'm sor—riee" one of the girls slurs as she tries to cuddle closer to his body.

"Me too," the guy adds after taking a swig.

He looks around between them confused. Sorry for what? He doesn't realize he's said it out loud until he feels another person wrap their arms around him from behind, hands sliding down his chest and squeezing. They cuddle closer.

"Things've been so hard for you, baby," she purrs into his ear, trying to get closer, nuzzling her head affectionately. Dean probably should've checked the time to see that the drinking had been going on for hours. There wasn't a single sober person there but him, but that was about to change.

Dean huffed and opened his throat, slinging the bottle back and letting the fire run down his throat and settle into his stomach to roar. He wiped his mouth of with his sleeve before tossing his jacket off, noting that the leather didn't do anything to collect the moisture. It just spread it to where his lips tingled. The burn almost reminded him of the tingle he'd felt when Cas' lips brushed against his. Panic and fear rose up in him at the memory of soft lips and he quickly took another swig, droplets of liquor burning away his memories. 'You're okay' someone whispered. The people around him had changed, he felt his body swaying on the log. He didn't drink much to begin with. But the furnace inside him kept him warm from the cold feelings trying to eat their way into him.

"No I'm not," he laughed out, falling backwards, the two people on his arms squealing and falling back with him. The rest of the bottle, what was left of it, spilling to the ground next to his head, collecting in his hair. It smelled bitter. And that felt appropriate. He rolled his head to the side and felt the scrape of the wood scratch him across the back. The two people with him, curled closer, one of them slinging their leg across him whispering sweet nothings. He listened to it for a little before angrily pulling away. "No!"

The people gathered all stared at him. He hated the way that their eyes spilled pity and 'sorry's' towards him. It made him want to up chuck what he had consumed. Vaguely he remembered not having eaten anything but stale crackers he'd found in his car. Why would they look at him like that? Of course, he knew why. He'd lost his shit. He'd... he'd pushed... that gorgeous, strong boy into a corner. He'd made Cas stare at him like he was going to shove him through glass and give him more bruises and cuts. He knew they'd seen the anger, and the screams that had escaped him as he'd cornered the boy. Hell, he'd heard them echo around the walls. Dean's hand twitched around the empty liquor bottle wanting to bring it to his neck and smash it to bleed him dry. How could he have done that? A loud, bitter, cracked laugh launched from his chest and out of his throat. Some of the people turned away. The two people clinging to him tried to hold him tighter.

He wanted to smash their brains in.

Couldn't they see it? Hadn't they watched the news? Didn't they know he was the abuser? Didn't they know he'd hurt one of the most beautiful in this world, clipped it's wings and smashed it into a glass case for tours for other's amusement, didn't they know he'd trapped an angel and skinned it of its wings. How could anyone stand by his side. Why hadn't they tossed the tower of burning embers on him yet and let him rot inside the flames.

He thought about the fist he'd slammed next to Cas' head as he raged. How he'd crowded into the boy's space. Lining himself up as close as he could to be intimidating. In his head he saw his hands transform into the paler, longer fingers. Ones that had also wrapped around his brother's neck. Dean recoiled at the thought and ground the back of his head against the dirt. It caked into the strands of his hair with the liquor and he launched himself up, shaking his head and accidentally smashing the lip of the bottle into his bruised eye. He winced but laughed. There was a drunken temptation to bury it into his eye socket and let it rest there, pouring fire into him to attempt to burn out the wrong he'd done.

Dean told himself again, that it was the easy way out. But all he could think of was showing Cas what a spark plug was and burying inside the boy. He dropped the bottle and squeezed his temples with his hands. All he wanted to do was to rewind time. To be there to rush into the door as the medics had done. Somewhere deep in his soul was a voice that said he did the best he could at the time, taking Sam straight to the hospital. The louder voice told him he should've doubled back for Cas if any of his feelings were real. If he'd actually cared and had begun to develop feelings he would've put the Impala in gear and skidded across the icy snow back to the house.

But he hadn't.

That was on him.

How could he have not known? How hadn't he seen the signs? He'd looked up enough small information on how to take care of his brother to see some signs of abuse, although every article said it wasn't sure fire when it happened. Sometimes things were accidents. Dean recalled the twisted sick feelings he'd had at seeing Lucifer and how he and Cas interacted. How could he have not reacted to that? How did he not see what had been going on? He was the protector. He was supposed to be the safe place. Warm arms and an even warmer house. It wasn't like he'd never sneaked in a friend at 1 am because they didn't feel safe at home. He was supposed to know better. But he'd failed.

"Dean?"

He looked up to find Ash and Chuck staring down at him. The ground was cold and he realized he was sitting in half frosted mud, the wetness sinking into his pants. He let his hands drop and dug his frozen fingers into the ground, breaking some of his nails. There was something stinging in his palms but he couldn't figure out what. Water seemed to slosh around his head, from one side to the other, as he tried to straighten himself. He felt his hand lifted and vaguely registered that his knuckles were torn apart and bloodied. If he'd bothered to look further down his arm he might've seen that the rest of his arm was torn to shreds, as if he'd ripped it through a harsh surface.

For a little bit he saw what was actually happening around him. He'd wandered out from the fire pit after tossing the people around him into the dirt, and knocking over the fire pit (it had grown bigger as drunken participants in the celebration had tried to put it out with alcohol). Luckily someone had called the two best friends he had and someone had still had the sense to shovel dirt over the fire. The bin was back up and roaring with a healthy flame to keep the party going in Dean's destructive wake. There was nothing but glowing black in front of him with shards on the earth that reminded him of stars. He felt two strong arms drag him back up from the ground as best they could. All he wanted to do was to let himself fall backwards and drag himself through whatever hell may become him. Maybe he shouldn't have drank so much. Dean shoves the people around him away and stumbles, after turning around to shove these people away, into something solid and feels his back spike in something deliciously sharp. He runs his back against it before he's pulled back forward.

"Dean, okay, man, Dean. Calm down."

He shakes his head.

"Dean, stop. Okay. Dude, please just please. Man, stop."

He giggles and tries to swing his head towards the spikes of ice he'd felt earlier.

"-... may be girly... just- man... we're he... gon... -"

Dean pulls himself up enough to see the figures. He tries to look one of them in the eye before stumbling his way to the light. He feels another flame put in between his fingers. He drags on it and it and lets himself lean back, coughing out pieces that feel like fire. The two voices fade out as he stumbles and leans into a strong body. He grins at them with wetness on his face. Dean knows this because he feels them drying on his cheeks by heat. There's some more laughter before he bellows.

"I'm just as bad!"

"I'M JUST AS BAD!"

"FUCK!"

"GOD FUCKING DAMN."

"I DID THE SAME DAMN THING!"

"I MIGHT'VE JUST RAPED HIM!"

The next time Dean comes to he's wrapped in blankets with two people holding him and he realizes he's sobbing. His head hurts and he thinks he's bleeding somewhere. The two people around him try and hold him tighter but he won't let it. He shoves them away and crawls up as far as he can on the surface behind him. Dean ways a little before his knee buckles and he almost eats dirt again.

"Dean... man- just- it's okay just- what's wrong?"

"Cas-" he thinks he says before he breaks into hammered sobs and vague admissions of abuse. He thinks he swings at someone but falls forward into the ground as it misses. He vaguely enjoys the ice biting at his lip. Bitter iron swells in his mouth and he swallows it down. Dean thinks he imagines Chuck's face swimming into view, "I hurt him. I... HURT... him." It tastes like snot and spit in his mouth.

It wasn't until he'd screamed to call the cops on everyone that the group had left. There were two lingering touches until he'd threatened everything he knew about his two best friends, for them to leave. He crawled towards that cold metallic skin he'd felt and rested. His eyes drifted lazily, vision blurring. Dean saw imagines of Cas' smile, when he dared to. The first time that he'd won a fighting game. Dean had sat next to him, probably scooted way too close and thriving off of each others body heat, coaching him on all the tricks it took to win against Sam. They'd high fived and curled their fingers around each other, held for a little longer than necessary, and teased Sam about their joint victory. Dean had lost against Cas after that. No one would be able to tell whether it was on purpose or not. Maybe Dean had been too distracted by the glow in the boy's eyes. Visions rotated with the world of crawling into the car and letting Cas pick the music out of his outdated box of tapes. Sam scowled at him the entire time but Cas had ran his hands gently across every tape before finally selecting one. Dean had popped it in with a grin and he may have stuck out his tongue in childish victory.

Dean felt his body lurch forward as he thought of the times that he'd waited at the Impala with Sam. Back when it was warmer he'd popped the hood and had him memorize some of the parts. They'd slammed it shut the second they could see Sam's lanky form emerge in their peripheral vision. The two of them had shared a shy smile and a laugh before Cas crawled into the back of the Impala, with Dean holding it open for him.

Looking back, he realized those small moments were affection. Not attraction, but affection. Cas had seemed too young. Dean's dick throbbed for a little, and it only made him feel sicker, as he thought of Cas gaining muscle and some color. And his chest moving up and down in panicked rhythms after Meg (which was fucked to all hell, he knew as it dug another spike in him, but seeing the hips follow the movement nailed something in him), and his own body responding in interest. Curiosity. The curiosity of that muscular body against his. Feeling such strength, more like his own, than the type of women he usually went for. His memory scorched his head as he thought about it.

No woman that he'd picked had ever looked at him with such a hidden strength and resilience. Until his worn down body let himself think it, he didn't realize he'd been thrilled by the thought of something stronger than him taking him over.

As Dean crawled up the cold metal and swung a cold latch between his frozen fingertips, he realized he'd wanted something to envelop him so completely. He'd never been invested to the point of a tidal wave other than his family before this boy and what he'd done to him. Cas was a tsunami that he was a small fish swept up in. And he wanted to keep riding that wave for forever. Never wanting to come down. But he had. Sam.

He crawled onto cold leather seats, trying to imagine the warmth of fire he'd had earlier, and turned to his side. Dean curled into his shirt and cried, snot dripping into black as he ran his face into it. He should've known better. The few days he'd spent obsessing about his brother...

Dean slammed his fist down to the ground and let his memories play live in his head. He watched them dance across the ceiling and watched every memory of affection turned into torture. How could he have notice the pull back? His parents had told him he'd always inherited Mary's intuition about what was going on. And yet, here he was, lying in something cold, hammered, his entire body dripping with venom. He was supposed to be better. He was supposed to be the good guy. The one... that...

When Dean woke up he felt sore, and sick. His stomach was trying to shoot out of his throat. He dry heaved, on his back and worried that it would spew out everywhere. It took him a few seconds to realize he was staring at the roof of the Impala. He swallowed back bile, looking glassy eyed and trying to wipe sleep away from them, realizing where he was. A nasty hiccup rocked his system as he tried to find some hold to drag his body up. The windows showed bright sky and he heard a few birds chirping. He wanted to sling rocks at them.

Slowly the memories road like a monster truck into his head and he let himself back down, a dry screech escaping his lungs. He tried to find something to toss over himself at the air nipping at him. His eyes wandered to try and find the source of the cold. Shattered glass laid across the front seat and he giggled. Dean dragged himself up and rested against the back passenger side door. There was a hole in the driver side window, about fist size. For a little bit he remembered swinging against his 'Baby' repeatedly before breaking through the glass and breathing a sigh of relief. Somewhere a part of him told him he'd tried to break the other windows.

Dean laughs and curls up towards the freezing leather seats and presses his lips to it in an apology. She wasn't at fault. He lets himself freeze over a little more before crawling around the car for his phone. He finds several missed calls and a text from Ash saying 'You might not wanna c ome to school today. Shit you said last night just hit the school. Go home.'

Birds chirp in the background as he sits up, laughing at the text. He should go to school. But he won't. He needs to go to make sure that he's punished properly for hurting someone he cares about.

But he won't.

Because Dean feels like a coward. He shouldv'e been punished the night before. But somehow he's still awake to see the next day. To see what he'd done to Cas.

He prays for divine punishment as he sinks back into the back seat of the Impala.

He fucked up.


	27. Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates

**Merry Christmas guys! (And rem. If you missed it, the christmas coda is out ; All I Want For Christmas) **

**Chapter 25: Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates**

Dean woke up several hours later and groaned. His head hammered and he could only laugh at himself. He crawled out of his car and into the front seat, noticing a water bottle and a packet of Quickie Stop pain killers in the front seat. He swallowed it down and started to rev his car up, pausing as he saw a figure pass somewhere down the hill. They made eye contact. It was Uriel. His heart froze and he felt like crawling back into the nice little buzz he'd had going on the night before. But for whatever reason the other man didn't b-line his way to beat him into pieces. Instead, he stared and kept walking.

What Dean didn't know is while he'd spent his night getting lost out in his own emotions Uriel had stopped by the hotel where Sam and Mary were spending the night.

Uriel had slid his key card into the slot and just about had a heart attack at seeing two new figures in the room. Sam he finally recognized, curled around his little brother, Mary, he'd never seen before. She woke to the closing of the door, eyes slowly blinking open. She froze up for a second before recognizing him from the pictures she'd seen on the news. She gave a warm smile and pushed the blanket off of her and tucked it around the shoulder of the chair.

"Hello Uriel, my name is Mary Winchester," she said, standing up and holding her hand out. "I am honored to meet you."

Uriel reeled back, taking one single step back confused. "What?"

"Mary Winchester, Sam's mother," she explained pulling her hand back and holding both of her arms against herself to seem as nonthreatening as possible. "I know you had a transgression with my older son, Dean. I hope you know I'm not angry. But, if I may," there was silence as he tried to gather himself, "he didn't know about the full situation. He'd been kept out of the full story."

"Show me your ID."

Mary walked around the corner with her hands raised and dug into her purse and pulled out her driver's license. She handed it to him and he examined it for a little before handing it back. He knew his fakes. "Their mom, huh?"

"Yes," she replied, sitting back down in the chair. "I would tell you I'm sorry for what happened but I feel like that's not something you want to hear right now."

Uriel shrugged his shoulders and moved towards the bundle on the pull out couch. His face softened at his brother's expression. Cas seemed relaxed. At peace. "Right."

Mary took in a deep breath, trying to figure out something to keep the conversation going. "Something I can... apologize for is... my son. Dean. He didn't," she took in another deep breath.

"He's a piece of trash," Uriel ground out, itching to take a swig of the flask in his pocket.

She flinched but nodded, "I- I can't make excuses for what he did. It was wrong," she almost used the word ' inappropriate' but in light of the situation it felt offensive. "We came here to try and set things right."

Uriel nodded and sat down on the main bed in the room, reaching into his pocket and letting his hands play across the pack of smokes he had. "Go for it." He sounded skeptic.

"We... Dean didn't know-"

"You know I found him in the bathtub high off his ass on his medication," he interrupted.

Mary swallowed a rock down the throat and into her stomach. Her eyes drifted to the boy, softly snoring, and her shoulders sank. She hadn't been optimistic enough to have thought that what her son had said wouldn't have affected the boy but the visual image would give her nightmares. Uriel noted that and leaned his head back, staring up at the heavens even if all he could see was the slightly stained hotel room ceiling. She seemed sincere enough.

"He's fine. We-, he's not fine. But I think he's all right. It wasn't on purpose."

"Oh. That's, that's good," Mary whispered, her fingers itching to run through both of the boys hair, try and comfort them even if they didn't seem to be having any nightmares. "I apologize for the surprise. I cleared it with your aunt first. Anna was supposed to make sure you knew as well."

Uriel dug his phone out of his pocket and noticed a missed call, a voice mail, and a text that he finally read. He snapped it shut and nodded at her. "I didn't notice."

"Is it all right?"

He dug his hands into the comforter and leaned forward, breathing heavy. "Yeah. Sam... seems all right.""

Mary smiled and let herself relax a little. "Do you need-"

"I'm fine, lady," Uriel responded knowing exactly where the sentence was headed. As far as he was concerned he'd fought his demons long ago.

"You do seem strong," Mary responded, folding her hands back into her lap. "If you'd like... I could arrange for you and Dean to-"

Uriel shook his head, "No.-" he paused and took a heavy sigh into his body " - No ma'am. We'll figure it out. Castiel... he seems all right for now. We can deal with the fall out later."

Half an hour of silence passed in the blink of an eye as they stared at Sam and Cas snoring on the pillows. Eventually Mary spoke up, "I'm taking Sam to school tomorrow morning if he wants to, or just back home... do you, need a ride to school? I think you go to the same place? "

"No, I'm fine," Uriel said, shaking his head. He stood up and walked to the door. "Take care of him," he gave an ominous stare to the woman. Just because she'd passed certain tests didn't mean that she was clear. He wasn't going to mess up again. Mary nodded at him and he marched out the door. He really needed a joint to calm down and figure things out. He was haunted by the feeling of wanting to run into her arms and be held. That look she had. He took a huge gulp out of his flask as the elevator doors closed.

Cas woke up with sunlight skating across his face. He's confused for a moment before relaxing into the warm body next to him, one too small to feel threatened by. By the time he's woken up enough to realize that there is a body that he's next to he's worked himself into a full blown anxiety attack. And then there's a warm pair of arms around him and a soothing voice in his hear. A paper bag appears in front of him and he grabs it with greed, wanting to push air back into his lungs. He leans into the warm hand, nothing like his father's (he notes with a relieved exhale), and lets his breathing slow as the bag crinkles loudly.

"Shhh... it's okay," the soft voice whispers. He feels himself rocked back an forth and the other hand run lines up and down his spine to attempt to relax him. Cas freezes for a moment, confusing the gentleness with Lucifer's soft touches until he feels the the scrape of a long fingernail so unlike his fathers. He thinks it's odd that he would be so focused on minute details. Cas has took a few more deep breaths before his memory rolls into his consciousness and he recalls who spent the night with him.

"Mrs. Winchester?" he asked weakly, turning his head to look behind him.

The sunlight behind her head almost looked like a halo.

"Hey there," she said softly, a warm smile radiating on her face. His entire body didn't feel as cold.

"Hello."

"You okay?" she asked, touching the paper bag. He nodded and she pulled it back, setting it off to the side. Mary scooted onto the bed and ran a tentative hand across his shoulder, trying to knead the knots out.

"I'm... I'm all right," Cas admitted, feeling a strange calm that he hadn't in weeks. Maybe even in years.

Mary smiled and stood up to get him a glass of water. Cas turned to the soft body in bed with him and couldn't help but smile. They didn't hate him. They really didn't hate him. His cheeks started to hurt from the grin he was sporting and even as he drank the cup of water Mary gave him, the water threatened to spill out of his cheeks and between his teeth as he continued to smile. He was still scared. Still terrified. But, he felt he had a stronger ground to stand on. Some safety net to fall back into.

Before he could even get the full word 'thank you' out she shushed him and asked what he wanted for breakfast, apologizing that she couldn't quite run home and get a meal done so it would still be warm by the time she got back.

Cas laughed.

"I'm- I'm glad you don't hate me," he whispered, voice cracking a little as his eyes darted around the room.

Her eyes went heavy with a sense of sadness, not so much pity, but an empathetic twitch of pain for what he'd gone through. Mary made sure, now that Cas was out of his panic attack, to sit at a respectable distance and very slowly moved her hand where Cas could see it to give him a friendly squeeze of the shoulders. She'd been told that abuse victims sometimes had major issues with touching that they either already had or would develop. There was really no telling. "Of course we don't." She paused while Cas smiled to himself and tried to figure out exactly where he stood.

Cas turned to glance at Sam, still dead to the world and drooling slightly on the spot next to him. There were red rims around his eyes and they looked swollen. He was sure he didn't look any better himself. "Thanks for bringing Sam," he whispered, playing with the strands of string on sweater. Briefly, now that he wasn't in the middle of an emotional breakdown, he let himself wonder where Dean was but he couldn't dare say it, despite having been told the motivation behind what had happened. Cas wasn't sure if he could handle it if some of the words thrown at him hadn't been bitter, cruel weapons just to mark him up for the perceived attack on his family.

"I know it might be hard to imagine, but Dean cares about you a lot. I do believe you've been indoctrinated into the family. He's sweet but he's-"

"I know," Cas replied, voice hushed and a small smile fighting to life at the corners of his lips. Dean was a good man, a sweet man, but he was also rash and much like a fire. Warm you, help feed you, and fend off the night but with one stray spark the entire forest would be on fire and nothing left in it's ashes but whispers of what was once there. He took in a deep breath and straightened out his back. His whole world seemed a little bit brighter. There were still shadows in the corners threatening to eat him alive but things felt a little more bearable. He found himself having the strength to hope. It was a sensation that made him giddy.

"Are you hungry?" Mary asked after watching Cas for a little bit. She wasn't aware of the lip lock situation that had happened between the two boys. John had kept that secretly tightly guarded and it wasn't like Sam was going to go chatting about his brother's personal business. But sitting there she felt some type of slide lock into place in her head. Her heart ached for this boy. He'd have his work cut out for him. She wondered for a little whether or not Dean even had male interests but felt a flutter of hope for the non-relationship at how different Dean had seemed on anything concerning Cas. It wasn't much but it was worthy food for thought.

"I'm okay," Cas said, "I think I can wait until Sam wakes up."

"Or we could just wake him up," she winked, "it's way past get up time anyway."

Mary moved over to the other side of the couch-bed and shook Sam awake. He got up mouth open in mid-yawn trying to blink sleep out of his eyes. He closed his mouth and pouted, taking in inventory of the room and remaining absolutely confused. Sam's eyes finally landed on Cas and his face flashed in pleased surprise. "Oh. Hi Cas."

"Hey Sam," Cas replied reaching out to give him a tentative hug. This seemed to jar Sam's sleep laden mind enough to remember the circumstances that had led him to seeing his best friend again.

"You hungry?" Mary asked now that Sam was coherent.

"Starving," Sam said just as his belly rumbled, he let himself dramatically flop to the bed. There was a giddiness in his belly that he couldn't shake off. Things weren't perfect but he felt like things _were _okay, and with everything that had been happening recently; he could live with it.

"I'll order us some room service."

"What? No, home made!" Sam protested, sitting back up and tossing his long legs over the side of the bed. "You want home made food too Cas, right?"

Cas' ears tinged with red, shy. His eyes flicked around the room before dropping down. Mary hesitated with her hand on the phone as Sam scooted forward, confused about his friend's silence. As far as he understood Cas liked their family's cooking and liked eating with them. So he couldn't understand what the prob- "Oh." He ducked his head so that he could catch Cas' eyes and force him to look up. "Cas, you're still welcome at our house anytime. You're family. And don't worry about Dean." The other boy only shook his head a little and worried at his lip. It was too much to hope.

"Castiel," Mary said softly, setting the phone down and crouching down so that she was eye level. "We're not going to force you to come to our house. If you're not comfortable with it, we can eat here or I can go make some and bring it back. But we want you there, our door is always open, even when Dean does stupid things like slam the door."

"Especially when Dean does stupid things," Sam grumbled, momentarily angry at his brother again.

Cas' hands shook and he wrung them together. "But you don't have to," Sam sighed, a little defeated.

Hearing the tone in his friends voice Cas' head bobbed up, eyes wide. He just got Sam back, he wasn't going to let his own insecurities cripple him. "No-no I do. I'm just- yeah okay." The smile that burst onto Sam's face was well worth the anxiety crawling around in his gut.

With the hour, Anna had been notified and Mary had called home to see if John was around. He had a short work day and if he had the time could get a head start on the cooking. She'd told him to give Dean a heads up but felt something churn in her stomach as John admitted, rather angrily, that he hadn't been home. Sam and Cas gave her confused look at her change in expression but she waved it off. Her son was nearly an adult now, he could take care of himself. She didn't have anything to worry about.

They made it to the Winchester household within record time, Sam eager to have Cas back where he considered his home to be. Not that hotel room and certainly not the cold trap he'd been a prisoner of for so long. Cas hedged back a little as they parked the car. He swallowed nervously and felt his feet turn into concrete until Sam placed a warm hand on his back. "It's okay." Cas nodded and took a first brave step forward. "It's okay," he whispered to himself as he followed Mary in the door. There was already the faint smell of cooking in the air and Cas' stomach rumbled. He followed the smell into the kitchenette and felt his body freeze with a new anxiety at seeing John Winchester. Despite assurances this was a terrifying point of worry. He wasn't sure where they had stood before, and especially now.

Sam crowded next to him as their father looked up from the pan. "We ran out of garlic powder so I hand cut a few cloves, if that's all right?"

Cas blinked confused and then felt his heart melt and tears work their way in. No one in the Winchester family was the biggest fan of garlic unless it was on lasagna or garlic bread with three mountains of cheese on it. But just for him, John had sometimes made him batches of mashed potatoes that were peppered with it, or tossed some in an omelet. And when he didn't, it was always on the table for him to use as he pleased. "That's just fine," he said, voice coming out in a breathy croak.

John nodded and turned back to his cooking, mumbling a, "Good to see you back, boy" from underneath the loud cooking fan. Cas suddenly wasn't sure if he could make it through the day.

Hours later and a satisfied meal warming his stomach, Sam had Cas curled up on the couch with him as his parents argued in hushed voices in the kitchen. He knew it was about Dean but he turned the volume on the TV up anyway. He didn't want Cas to even mentally skirt the idea that the arguing was about him. It didn't last long. The sound of the door swinging open caused everyone to pause and look to it, even Sam dialed down the volume a little.

Forgetting that there was a guest in the house the second Dean's haggard appearance and the smell that came off of him in waves, made it into the kitchen he was bellowing. "Where the hell have you been!"

Mary took a gentler approach, hands out and weary. Her eyes skimmed to the broken skin on one of his hands. She didn't think he'd be fighting again, she'd talked to Uriel and she couldn't imagine anyone else wanting to pick a fight with her boy. There was also the stale stink of alcohol and smoke.

"Out," was Dean's only response to his father's yelling.

"Not good enough, Dean! Do you have any idea how much you worried your mother! And you smell like a bar! What the hell Dean!"

"John please- we have-" her eyes darted to the couch.

Dean's gaze followed and the world was swept away from underneath him. Cas blinked at him owlishly, fear dancing as alive as it had been the day he'd threatened him. Dean couldn't tell if it was his own shaking body or if the other boy's hands were actually trembling.

He felt the awful need to retch.

So Dean did the only thing he could. Like an animal running from a gun shot he took off back down the hall way. The door slammed closed and open, bouncing on the hinges as he flung himself into the Impala and hit the gas. He zeroed his focus in on the loud radio to drown out the sound of his parents shouting after him.


	28. San Andreas Fault

**Chapter 26: San Andreas Fault**

Sam watched as Cas curled into himself, eyes wide and breath coming in deep gulps. The door slammed after his brother's departure and Sam could've sworn the entire house shook with the impact. Mary made an aborted movement towards the door after her son while John cursed and stormed to the door, throwing the door open and calling after him. She turned back to look at the two boys and Sam just shook his head and with quiet whispers coaxed Cas off of the couch and upstairs to his room. Cas' feet were heavy on the steps as he was dragged into Sam's room. With one nimble hand Sam popped the door to his room open and led Cas to his bed before closing the door. He took in a deep breath before kneeling by the ground in front of Cas and taking Cas' hands into his own. Outside it starts raining.

Dean knows he's a coward. And maybe he had always been a coward. As he watched droplets start to gather on his windshield, his neighborhood disappearing in the rear view mirror, he cursed. In the silence of the Impala all he can do is replay those blue eyes and how they'd opened wide and scared, still, at him. Hell, what had the kid been doing at their house anyway? 'Probably more right to be there than I do right now,' Dean thought bitterly as he turned onto the access road to a highway. While he'd never hailed himself as much of anything, somewhere along the way he'd considered himself a man. It stung a little to fail so impressively and remind himself that he is just a boy. A man would've stood his ground. A man would've faced those eyes. A man would've stood there without flinching away and confessed to his crimes without asking for forgiveness.

Dean Winchester is no man.

He stared forward with a comfortable numbness that the open road gives him, contemplating turning back but feeling his feet turn into massive blocks of concrete. Dean has to struggle to lift his foot off of the accelerator.

Maybe he will be braver tomorrow, he thinks as he pulls aside at a truck rest stop, reclines his car seat and stares at the rain. He can't afford to waste the gas so he turns off his car and lets the cold seep into the car and through his leather jacket. 'No. Tomorrow I WILL,' he thinks as he drifts off.

The rain brings with it a cold that makes Sam's windows fog over a little as he turns up the heat upstairs and pads back into his room. Cas fell asleep a little after Dean left, probably trying to catalog the emotional blow the quick exchange had been. Sam had briefly left him alone to pad silently downstairs and suggest that Cas spend the night with them. Mary at first had brought up a small concern over Dean' coming back later that night and maybe another issue arising but John's sharp snap at them about how Dean was probably going to spend another night wallowing in liquor and not to bother to even wait up for him they'd dropped it. Mary had called Anna and kept details to a minimum, she wasn't sure if this was something Cas would've liked shared (since the original story was still not something Anna was fully aware of) and she had gratefully given permission. Cas seemed to do better in their care than hers.

By the time Sam made it upstairs Cas was already stirring in bed.

"Hey," Sam said softly, moving to sit beside him. "You okay?" Sam winced. "Dumb question. Sorry."

Cas blinked slowly, lips pouted in confusion as he glanced around the room. His eyebrows furrowed as he realized that he wasn't at home, nor was he at the hotel room. Sam's room. "Oh," he said without inflection, sitting up and letting the comforter Sam had put on top of him slide down to his waist. "Dean- is he-" Cas's voice quivered a little as his brain caught up to the events. "Oh- I'm sorry- dinner-" he added as he looked outside and saw that the sky was dark.

"Dean's not back," Sam said scooting on the bed and leaning against the wall. "And don't worry about dinner. Mom saved you some, they ate but I wanted to wait with you."

"Sam- you didn't have to do that," Cas said ducking his head down and fiddling nervously with the edge of the blanket.

"Yeah, but I wanted to."

Cas looked up with a shy, thankful smile on his face. They made eye contact for a second before he had to look away. It was still a little too much. While his shoulder's felt lighter, there were less needles in his lungs every time he tried to breathe, and he could've sworn his heart pumped blood smother. It didn't seem to stop every few seconds. So yes, Cas was relieved, but that didn't change that just two days ago he hadn't had any friends, and that he had been hated. It left a dark shadow over him that he couldn't shake off. It made him feel guilty. And despite Sam's assurances, he was scared if he looked into Sam's eyes for too long, he would see that hatred there.

"You hungry?" Sam asked noting how Cas had gone quiet. He had a hunch on what it was. He wondered if they should talk about Dean later that night or if he should just leave it alone. Ironically enough for the situation the food remedy awkward air or emotional distress was his brother's go to solution. Cas' head snapped up and his face paled a little. John and Mary would be downstairs. They'd have to address what had happened with Dean. Maybe they would ask him about it. "Let me re-phrase, want me to bring some food up for you? I can bring a movie upstairs and we just sit and hang out okay?" Cas nodded his head and his shoulder's sagged in relief.

Sam smiled warmly before crawling off the bed and leaving Cas alone. The boy took in a deep, shuddering breath and forcefully unclenched his hands. He raised his arms up and stretched them, trying to push the nervous energy out of him. While he'd had a warm reception at the Winchester household, even John offering him his own type of kindness, he wasn't sure what would actually happen if the issue at hand was to stand toe to toe. He and Sam had cried their fears and resolutions into each other and Mary had been frank and gentle about her own standing ground. Cas didn't wholly believe it, he couldn't. He couldn't even blame that on them, hell he blamed himself for that mostly. Wasn't this what he'd been praying for? Absolution with his loved ones, a warm reception back into their arms. Maybe there was such a drastic difference between praying for forgiveness and inclusion, knowing where you stood, and all of a sudden having nothing to be forgiven for. To become the person with the power to wield forgiveness onto others. It wasn't a position he had ever expected to be put in.

While he felt there was nothing to forgive on their parts, it did leave him confused about where he stood. Now he no longer had a script he'd played and re-played in his head. And it wasn't that he didn't... trust them, except, the dark weight that hung in his gut said, that he didn't. Cas found himself angrily staring at his reflection in Sam's window wondering what the hell was wrong with him. Here he had everything he wanted, the same warmth that he'd been enveloped when he'd first met the Winchesters. That same unconditional love. Except he'd lost that once already hadn't he? Cas made an ugly face at himself at that feeling. 'You're being awfully entitled' a nasty little voice in his head whispered. 'Sam got hurt because of you and you're being a little ungrateful, aren't you?'

"You okay?"

Cas turned to the door to see Sam staring at him with a frown. He balanced a tray in his arms with a DVD tucked into his side. "Yeah. Yeah I'm... all right. Thank you, Sam."

Sam nodded but felt it wasn't his place to pry. Hell just weeks ago he'd held his own silent vigil about his experiences. He still didn't want to talk about it. There were too many emotions he hadn't sorted through to do that. As he set down the tray next to Cas and watched him gingerly pick up the plate, as if someone was going to yell at him for it, he decided that if it did come up. He'd talk. If Cas started the conversation, Sam wouldn't back down. He owed his friend that.

"Scoot over," Sam said, plastering a smile on his face as he dragged his laptop to the bed and settled in next to Cas, propping it open and sliding the DVD home. He scooted it forward, far enough to where they could both see it and leaned over to grab one of the bowls from the tray. As he pulled back Cas took in a deep breath and Sam glanced over. His eyes were a little glassy. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, trying to hold the other boys eyes with his own.

Cas shook his head and swallowed. He took in another deep breath. "No- I just. Ah. You've healed well," he whispered, voice breaking on the vowel sounds.

Sam's hand flew up to his neck and ran over his skin. There was soft discoloration still left, something that looked a lot more like mosquito bites than anything else, but the bruises had faded fairly well from existence. He smiled brightly at his friend and took Cas' free hand into his own. "I am aren't it? And you will too, we'll both be all right," he said, eyes brimming with conviction. If Cas couldn't believe, he'd just have to believe enough for the both of them.

Cas sniffled a little but smiled, squeezing Sam's hand tightly. "What movie are we watching?"

They ate in relative silence, but the air around them didn't hold the same chill it had earlier that evening. Halfway through the movie Cas looked over at the clock with concern. "It's getting late, shouldn't I be?"

"Mom called your aunt, she said it's cool if you spend the night."

"Oh, but," Cas chewed on his lip. "What about Dean?" Dean's name coming out as a whisper.

Sam sighed, to himself, eyes tired. "Don't worry about Dean. See... the thing with Dean is. He's... when he gets scared. Like really scared, emotional scared. 'Cause I mean, my brother could probably stare down a raging bull heading his way and never even flinch but when it comes to people he cares about... when it comes to things he gives a damn about. He gets scared, and when he gets scared he avoids it. Dean is a lot of things but emotionally mature is not one of them."

Cas nodded and then felt a heat creep up his neck. He coughed nervously and tried not to sound too invested in whatever answer his question would bring. "Cares about what?"

Sam looked over and there was a small mischievous twinkle in his eye, his smile lopsided and endearing. "You, stupid." He brushed his knuckles across Castiel's shoulders in a mock punch.

"Oh," Cas muttered, biting his lip. "But... he... I mean I know you said he didn't know, but."

Sam turned a little so that he could fully face his friend. "When Dean fights he gets nasty. My brother isn't the type to half-ass things, well, most things. Fights are one of those things he goes in both guns blazing. I don't know everything he said, and I kinda don't. It might just make me march into his room and burn down his record collection-" Cas' eyes widened in panic, as if he wasn't in enough strife with Dean already- "might Cas, might. I wouldn't do something like that. Just. Look. I know he cares about you." Cas nodded, still disbelieving. "In fact, it's probably because he cares about you, and cares about me that he went off the handle on you with... however bad what he said was." Sam wasn't about to admit to some of the garbled details he'd heard at school. "I'd say too that with the way my brother's acting right now. He really cares. He hasn't been... he's been gone, since he found out about. Well you."

The movie credits started to play loudly, interrupting their conversation. Sam leaned over to hit the stop button and pop in another one. Even if they didn't end up watching it, it would be good background noise.

"I kiss him, ya know," Cas admitted. It was so quiet that Sam almost missed it.

He chewed his lip, wondering how to answer. "I know."

Cas' eyes flew open wide, fear crawling into his gut. If Sam knew then- but if they all knew- why was he still allowed in their home? Lucifer had punished him for... He could feel his head swimming, trying to drag his drowning thoughts to the surface. Misreading Castiel's panic, not knowing about the phone call, he reached over. "Hey it's okay, Cas. It's okay. I don't mind. It's cool actually. Totally. I mean, for a little there I thought I had a crush on you so, you know." Sam winced a little, hoping that he'd picked the right route of full disclosure. Miscommunication had gotten them into a damn bad place the first time. He wasn't looking forward to repeating any of this.

"What?" Cas asked, the simple admission dragging Cas' brain from the sea and onto a clear, confused road. "You?" He blushed.

Sam laughed, feeling some relief at finally being able to get it out with. It had been something that he'd always felt heavy between them, even after reaching the conclusion that his feelings for Cas were merely protective, that he was pulling in another person into the family, someone that made him feel clever and funny and like he was strong. Ruby and Jess had made him realize the difference. That you could feel those things for someone and not want them in a romantic or sexual sense. He still had so much to learn. "Yeah, I mean. I realized I was just super happy at having a best friend, someone I could look out for. Which, I guess I didn't do so good of a job-" Cas started to protest but Sam raised his hand"- but yeah. I was so jealous for awhile too. Of you and Dean. 'Cause he really liked you, and started spending a lot of time with you. Thought I was loosing my best friend and my brother,so. When I found out, when Dean told me-" if the situation hadn't been so serious Sam might've laughed at Cas' expression- "I got jealous there for a bit. But listen Cas. He was so worried. He didn't want to hurt you. I could tell there was something bothering him, he couldn't stop moping and then he told me and he was so paranoid about making sure you were all right."

"He wanted to let me down easy," Cas said, voice soft. Briefly he wondered if nothing had happened, if he'd still be in that house and Sam had never come over, how much easier things might be. Less confusing. Then the disappointment set in. Not that he should've been surprised. He'd already accepted his role as a walking abomination after Dean's freak out, but hearing that Dean had't meant it. That he was sorry. Well. Everyone has dreams.

"Yeah," Sam said with a frown, realizing that he'd probably just made everything worse. He rubbed the back of his neck and wondered if he should poke the bear. Because while that had been what Dean had said he knew his brother well enough that there had been something else bothering him about Cas even after the confession. He'd seen it in his brother's erratic movements, changes in his diet (nothing huge, just a few too many distracted vegetables sneaking in through his meticulous separation process, and if he'd noticed that the types of girls that his brother talked to had changed a little, he hadn't thought much of it until now. Feeling guilty Sam didn't mention any of these behaviors. It wasn't his place to speak for his brother. Especially not with a sexuality swing like this, and especially not with the life Cas had lived and the recent events he'd been through. He wasn't going to be the one to add another knife into his friends back. And he certainly wasn't going to help twist it. "Sorry."

Cas smiled shakily, his breathing evening out. "No, it's okay." Sam looked at him like he didn't believe it. "No, really. It... it's good to know you're okay with it. And it's good to know that Dean. That Dean wasn't.."

"He wasn't disgusted with it, or grossed out. He didn't feel violated or anything. He would've told me. He was just worried about what it would do to you, and the friendship."

"That's.. yeah. I will be okay. It still stings. But it's good to know. A relief, actually," Cas said as his smile cracked a little and a hysterical sob threatening to spill out. It really was okay, he could live with this. He tried to desperately explain with his movements that he wasn't upset about this. There was just a strange hysteria that came with something painful and dark that has held you down for so long sliding away and giving you air to breathe. Like those first desperate gulps of air you take when you're saved from drowning. It may hurt, but at least you're breathing. Sam crawled towards Cas and pulled his friend into his arms and they stayed like that for awhile watching the computer screen with no real interest.

"So, are we okay?" Sam asked tentatively as they neared the end of the second movie.

"Yeah, we're okay," Cas mumbled.

"Is it okay if I stay home and hang out with you tomorrow?" Cas asked, unsure if the other boy wanted to b-line it away from their house and to the safety of a door he could lock and put between him and their family (specifically Dean)or if he wanted to stick around.

"Don't you have school?" Cas asked, tired.

"It's gonna be Friday, I can miss one more day," he felt Cas try and mount a counter-argument, "I want to Cas. Let me?"

"Okay."

Sam slid the laptop off the bed, noticing that most of Cas' words following the quiet 'okay' were just slurs of sounds. He crawled out of bed and changed into his pajamas. He walked over to turn his desk light off and stared out of the window where the rain was still coming down hard. He frowned and thought of Dean. "Dumbass had better be staying at Ash's or something," he mumbled at the window before crawling into bed.

Which of course he wasn't. If there was anything Dean Winchester did well it was self-flagellation. He woke up in his freezing car, still parked at the rest stop. It was freezing. Dean grumbled at the pain in his lower back as he sat up, turning his car on to heat it up and watching his air puff in front of him. He groaned and let his head drop back into the headrest. One cold hand fumbled blindly around the crevices between the seat cushion and the gear shift. It was too early to play hide and go fuck yourself with his phone. His car was warm by the time he dug the little bastard out and started flipping through it. 5 missed phone calls from 'Home'. 4 from 'Mom'. And 15 from 'Dad'. 4 voice mails. Dean ran his hand across his face and stretched. He let the phone drop and turned on his windshield wipers, and switching the heat off so that he could unfog his windows.

"So much for being brave," Dean muttered to himself. He probably should call his parents. Probably should listen to the voice mails. But if he was going to go anywhere near his house tonight he wasn't sure he could listen to them. He knew his family was pissed at him but he didn't think he'd have the courage to knock on the door if he heard it. He pulled out from the side of the road and into the practically empty highway. It was still raining, and it probably would for a few weeks. Just that time of year. He turned on the radio and promptly turned it off. Always a classic rock fan, he wasn't quite in the mood for anything that wasn't a ballad about how some people are fuck up's.

Dean spent most of the day driving around aimlessly, pausing halfway through the day to fill up the tank to his car. He stood there, huddled in his jacket, rain misting on his face even underneath the protective awning.

"One more short drive Dean," he told himself as he watched the numbers roll on the gas pump. "One more short drive and you march up to your damn house and you earn the fuckin' balls you were born with." Dean slammed the door to his car a little harder than he'd intended as he peeled out of the gas station, back of his car swinging out a little too wide in the rain. He cursed and pumped his break, steering himself straight, his heart pounding. "Focus, you idiot." He was pretty sure that intending to apologize and never having the chance to because you were an ass who got himself in a car wreck wouldn't get him any browny points upstairs.

The rain picked up as he started to make his way to his neighborhood. He had to turn around twice before actually making it onto to the street. He swallowed the thick gobs of saliva that had been gathering in his mouth at his nerves and gripped the steering wheel tightly. Dean's knuckles were white as he pulled up into the driveway. It was well after dinner. He'd planned it that way so that he wouldn't have to feel guilty about eating food prepared with love when he wasn't in a position to be asking for it. The energy bar he'd grabbed at the gas station had been plenty enough. His hands shook as he stared at the door to his house. There was no way they hadn't heard him rolling up, even in the loud rain and the occasional rumble of thunder in the distance. Dean ran his hands over his face and through his hair, massaging his neck. He'd fucked up bad. Several times. He'd fucked up with Cas, then fucked up again by ditching, then fucked up again by not telling his parents where he was, then again by coming home and picking a fight, fucking up again by bolting on Cas, fucking up by not answering his parents phone calls, by not calling them back, and now coming home so late.

He stepped out of the car and stood in the rain for a little bit before marching towards the door. He slid the key out of his soaked pocket and watched his hand tremble as he tried to slide it in home. He missed the keyhole several times. It was starting to get a little harder to breathe.

The door finally clicked open and his heart stopped as he stepped into the hallway. He let the door slide closed without locking it, his shoes making an obnoxious sloshing sound as he edged himself further into the house. The TV was humming quietly and there was the leftover scent of tomato sauce. Pasta maybe? Or home-made pizza. Mary did that sometimes. He heard movement from the living room and took in a deep breath. Under usual circumstances he would've kicked off his shoes and run to go grab a towel so as not to ruin the floors but it was taking every fiber of his self control not to just bolt back out the door.

"You sober now?"

Dean's head snapped up at his father's voice. John was standing in the kitchenette. His eyes snapped up quickly and he tried to straighten out as much as he could. They never spoke to their father in a slouched position, especially when they were in trouble. "Yes, sir."

"Honey?" Dean's eyes moved towards his mother, who'd gotten up from the couch and was slowly moving towards him. "You look awful, do you need-"

"Mary." She looked at John, "it can wait." Mary sighed and started to pull herself up for a fight. She knew what John was like, and it wasn't like she approved of what Dean had done but she wasn't just about to let her son stand like a drowned rat in the middle of the hallway, looking like death had warmed him over. "Get him a towel," John conceded, eyes soft before turning to look back at Dean all the fight and anger back in them.

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Damn better be. I am very disappointed in you, Dean. I thought you were a better man than this. I thought I'd raised a better son," John said setting down the mug he'd been cleaning. "Look at me when I'm talking to you." Dean raised his head up and tried to hide the flinch. "How could you do that to your mother? What the hell was going on through that head of yours? Are you completely brain dead?" Dean didn't even bother replying. His father didn't want to hear excuses so he wasn't going to give it to them. He'd gotten too old for punishments or for being grounded to work. Hell he hadn't acted out in years for it to be necessary. He also knew that 'I'm sorry' wouldn't get him anywhere other than a more irritated John. His father gave him one last stern look before moving to a chair in the living room. Dean remained where he was. He wasn't sure if he was dismissed, if his dad was taking a break from the lecture, or if his dad had just gotten tired of looking at him. So he stood there, dripping water onto the floorboard.

"Here," Mary said from next to him. He looked at the towel she held out to him and almost let it drop wanting to instead just walk back out the door.

"Sorry about the floors mom," Dean said, voice dry and cracked. He bent down to wipe the excess muddy water off of the ground before toweling down some of his face and arms.

"Oh honey, I'm not worried about the floors," Mary responded trying to wrap herself around her son as much as possible, finding that she was subtly sidestepped each time.

"Sorry."

"I know," Mary said running to get another towel and inching Dean's jacket off of him to hang to dry. She sat him down in a chair in the kitchen, sending glances towards John who was still firmly ignoring them. "You're father's stubborn but he'll be all right. You know how he gets."

"It's okay."

She sighed gently and lifted one of the towels to her son's head, drying it the same way she used to do it for them when they were kids and couldn't get it all done themselves.

"I just- I," Dean started voice sounding like it was being dragged over shards of glass. "Cas. Just. I couldn't." He stood up abruptly, backing away from his mother and pacing around a little nervously. His eyes watered and he tried to wish them away.

"Shh, it's okay," Mary tried but it only made Dean feel worse. He shook his head, sending droplets of water flying off of it.

"I shouldn't- I'm fuckin'- damn it," he said voice fighting between a whimper and a yell. He shouldn't have come home. He felt his emotions unraveling from the little box he'd tried to shove them in. They were avalanching out, tumbling over one another. Anger, self-hatred, fear, guilt, misery. One after another fighting to come out of Dean's mouth first. He felt his eyes blur over and his hearing seemed to dip in and out of existence.

"Son, calm down."

Dean's body reacted to his father's command but it did nothing for the flood gates that had been popped open. His mother was standing further away as he paced trying to physically shove everything back in. "I can't. I mean. I'm sorry. And I know, and I'm a fuckin' idiot and I fucked everything up and I'm still fucking everything up. Friggin' let down and just I couldn't handle it I ran and just damn it-" Dean was so into his quiet ranting that he didn't hear Sam's door open and close- " I was just so angry already- just fuckin' pissed and I couldn't help it-" two pairs of feet began to appear at the top of the stairway as Dean's voice started to rise- "Just how could that fucker do that? How could he- It was so fuckin' wrong!-" the two people start making their way down, stairs creaking but Dean can't hear that. "I tried to protect- I just- that fucker hurt him-" Mary attempts to hush Dean and John starts to raise his voice- "and then he's fucking here out of nowhere and I just argh!" Dean turns around and slams his hand into one of the walls, trying to control his chest heaving and to stop the world from spinning.

There's a tense quiet as Dean recovers. He looks up into a pair of blue eyes. There are tracks of tears slowly rolling down the boy's cheeks. Sam's holding onto his arm tightly. Something about "he didn't mean you" and "it's okay just breathe". Then the blue eyes are gone as he circles around Dean, as far as he can.

"Fuck, Cas," Dean says, trying to make it sound... he doesn't know, but what comes out is gruff and short. Cas' eyes hold that same terror in them, and Dean should've thought about what he'd done the last time they'd really talked. Well. Dean had yelled, Cas had listened. Maybe if he'd thought about it he wouldn't have stepped forward towards Cas so quickly, reached out his arm after he'd just slammed it into a wall. Maybe if he'd remembered that Cas had been abused, and that he now played the role of at least one of his abusers, he wouldn't have had to watch Cas bring two scared hands up to his face and bolt towards the door. Whimpering in the back of his throat before running out of it into the rain.

It took two seconds for Dean's brain to catch up.

"God damn it!" he yelled at himself before dropping the towel in his hand and taking off after him in the rain, leg muscles screaming at him as he chased down the small figure sprinting through the down pore. The guy didn't even have socks on.

**A/N: Next chapter we get a bit of schmoop. Cliché, schmoop but this was a scene I'd already created with my beta/prompt giver back in the day. Plus every so often I want a sprinkling of cliché schmoop. Sorry for being gone so long. But, lots of drinking, lots of new years, and my sis leaving. EDIT: OH, AND HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS. Hope yours has started out okay. **


	29. Be Brave For You

**A/N: So. My day sucked. Out the ass. And I want to set a few buildings on fire. I've been doing shit non-stop from 8am to 5pm. Fuck everything. In celebration of me finally sitting my ass down you guys get a chapter. The next one may come out tomorrow if I get all my classes registered for this time without interruptions. **

**Chapter 27: Be Brave For You **

Dean tried to shield his eyes against the the sharp rain drops invading them. Every time he blinked he felt himself loosing sight of Cas. And he couldn't do that, not again. The kid was fast, especially for someone who hadn't been out of the hospital very long. His foot slipped a little as he missed the curb, crossing the street after the other boy. Somewhere in the back of his head it barely registered that maybe chasing after him wasn't the least threatening way to approach the situation, but anything could happen to him. And honestly, Dean was friggin' tired of things happening to him. From the bullying at school, to his shit brother who turned out kinda all right, to his dad, and Dean himself.

Cas' short legs carried him blindly through the neighborhood, he wasn't even aware that Dean had chased after him. All that rang through his head was 'run, run, run and don't stop, whatever you do, don't stop'. His vision felt shaky, too bright but logically he knew nothing had physically changed. Somewhere a part of him told him to take in deep breaths, to calm down, to at least see where the hell he was running but the only thing driving him was the boa around his ribs, squeezing him slowly, and the slosh of the water gathered in his clothes. His feet hit something soft and his body turned towards a different direction. He felt something cut the bottom of his foot but it barely registered. Things smelled fresher.

"Damn it, Cas!" Dean ground to himself, wanting to bellow at the top of his lungs but figured that yelling was probably not the best thing to do. Instead he made a bitter wish to himself that he could just fling off his jeans mid-run, they were heavy as all fuck with water, and catch up to the kid faster. He cursed again when he saw Cas dart into a park at the end of the street and head past the parking lot towards the trees were the forest got thicker. He prayed Cas wasn't too out of it. If you weren't careful there was a drop off into a river, tho' if everyone was being honest it was more like a sewer. And it wasn't safe. If the rain didn't make dropping into it bad enough the thing had so much crap thrown into it, random branches, and it got scary deep at some parts.

Hit feet slipped in the mud as he raced after the other boy. The good thing at least was that with how much vigor Cas was running with, his feet left deep footprints in the ground that Dean could concentrate on when staring out in the rain starting to hurt his eyes. He watched his figure inch closer and closer to the edge of the woods. 'Come on Cas' he thought desperately. He'd had a hard enough time catching up to him on concrete streets in his own neighborhood, he had no idea what the hell he was going to do in the damn forest.

Adrenaline spurred him forward as Cas disappeared behind some of the first few trees. He felt his shows fill with water as he ran through a deep puddle but only cursed it for slowing him down, foot sloshing with water. His hand scraped harshly against the bark of the first tree he used to propel himself into the last clearing before the woods started. His heart hammered as he tried to take inventory of his surroundings. Yeah their dad had taken them hunting before, he was supposed to be able to track things but it wasn't like Cas was a deer. And it wasn't like they'd ever done it in the rain. He felt panic claw it's way out of his gut, screeching and dragging nails down his sides as it ripped out of his throat. "CAS?!" Dean was pretty sure that the kid wouldn't have heard him anyway, the rain and trees muffling his voice. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." He stepped further into the forest, trying to make note of which way he'd come from. It'd be a damn stupid if both of them got lost.

He bit his lip and continued on a bit of a slower pace through the forest. He might not be going as fast but it wouldn't do him any good to run a mile in the wrong direction. He called out Cas' name a few times before figuring that even if he could hear him, it'd probably spur him on to run further away from him. Not something he wanted. At least the rain wasn't as thick. Annoying, but not as thick. Dean's body froze as he saw a shape running somewhere in front of him, perfectly framed by a clearing of trees. "Gotcha," he told himself as he took for sprinting, bare arms scraping against tree branches but not caring to stop for them. Not being as careful of course cost him and he found himself smacked across the face by a rather nasty branch. He cursed and snapped it in half, reminding himself to apologize to mother nature later and started running again.

He'd lost Cas.

"Really!?" he shouted at the tree canopy as he took off in the direction he'd seen Cas in earlier. He almost breathed a sigh of relief as he finally cleared some of the worst of the trees and then had to scramble backwards and grab onto the nearest tree as his feet slid, nearly sending him into the water below. The river. "Holy fuck." Dean pulled himself upwards, crawling on his hands and knees in them mud to get away from the ledge. His eyes burned as he glanced over, heart threatening to jump out of his chest. Where the hell was Cas. If he was running like a bat out of hell... "Cas?!" he yelled out, keeping one hand tightly wrapped around a tree and searching the running stream. He started taking off his shirt to jump in, consequences be damned, when he heard it. Something snapping loudly and then a whimper. Dean whipped around and turned back into the woods, the whimpering sound coming closer. He turned around a group of trees and saw Cas crouched on the small forest floor under a tree, cradling his ankle. There was a rather large branch next to him that looked like it had snapped in half.

Scared, Dean swallowed his nerves and moved as quietly and slowly as he could. It would do no good to spook him now, not after he'd finally found him. His heart slowed and then began to plummet the longer he stared at Cas. His hair matted completely to his head, heavy droplets of water racing down his face. His clothing stuck to him and his feet were muddy and scratched up, his arms weren't in much better condition. Cas had taken off in just a t-shirt and sweatpants. He inched forward and put his hand out.

Cas reared back and scooted so that his back slammed against the tree trunk as he noticed Dean. He was spooked to begin with, that someone was there, but that it was Dean had him whimpering, lip quivering and hands coming up to wrap around him. "I'm sorry-I'm sorry-"

"Cas, fuck," Dean replied pulling his hand back but inching a little closer.

"Please don't hurt me."

"I would never-" Dean bit his lip. Empty platitudes didn't seem appropriate. Because yes he had. Hell, he'd tossed a fist next to Cas' head without so much as blinking twice. He got into fights, he hurt people. "I'm not going to hurt you. I promise."

Cas sniffled and curled up tighter on himself, muffled 'sorries' crawling out from beneath his arms. Dean's hand trembled as he fought his instincts on what to do. If it had been Sammy, well, he'd just reach over and pull him into a hug and try and tell him that everything was okay. Somehow he felt that it wouldn't be quite the same now. But he couldn't think of anything else. He was shit with words, complete and total shit. He crouched down to Cas's level, knees digging into the mud and soaking through his jeans. Dean reached out a tentative hand and touched Cas' shoulder. The boy flinched a little but didn't do much else to move away so Dean moved forward. Gingerly, like he was handling a fragile china doll, he pulled Cas towards him, moving as he did so that his beck would be against the rough bark. Cas was rigid and limp at the same time as he was maneuvered into Dean's arms. Dean pulled one hand to lift Cas' legs, tucking them close to his body and then wrapping both arms tightly around him, encasing Cas in his legs to try and provide more body heat.

"I am so sorry."

Cas's sniffling seemed to slow down a little.

"God Cas. I fucked up."

The body in his arms tensed a little.

"This is all my fault."

Dean could feel Cas' hands still.

"I fucked up real bad Cas. And I'm sorry. And you don't need to forgive. Just. Just come home."

Cas tensed a little again.

"You'll catch some horrible disease out here and end up droppin' dead," Dean's small laugh at the end was a little hysterical. He held onto the boy in his arms tighter, running one large palm up and down Cas' arm to try and generate heat into it. "So, please?" His voice cracked.

Cas tilted his head up, the top of his head nudging against Dean's chin. He pulled back a little, although Dean resisted. He couldn't move far so when he tried to look at Dean they ended nearly brushing noses together, a small bit of space between them. Cas felt his stomach curdle as he recalled the last time he'd been this close to Dean but he tried to let his panic dwindle as he stared the older boy down. 'Huh,' Cas thought surprised. Dean actually looked destroyed. It wasn't the expression he was expecting. Even without the scene in the living room he hadn't quite expected such raw pain. "Home?" he asked so quiet that the rain almost drowned the word out.

Dean breathed out, his breath warm against Cas' face. "Yeah, home. Mom's got some great soup that'll warm you right up." Dean's voice quivered, shocked that Cas had even bothered to reply to him. His arms tensed against Cas as he drew him in a little closer, scared to loose the moment.

"You don't- you don't really want me there, in the living room-"

"Fuck Cas-" Cas flinched "- I mean. Shit. I'm so bad at this. No. I was. I didn't. I didn't know. And I didn't find out until. God Cas I'm so fucking sorry and I've just been climbing the friggin' walls and not doing okay and I was talking about how that fuck excuse for space did that shit to both of you and just I hadn't really dealt- and shit the stuff I said t you- and then you were just THERE."

Cas reached a hand up and brushed it across Dean's cheek, feeling strangely calm. If anything he figured he'd be the one having a break down. In fact he had been until Dean had pulled him into his arms and his body had crashed from exhaustion. He watched quietly as Dean struggled to string words together. He tilted his head to catch all of the emotions firing pasts green eyes, seeing as he was no longer looking at him (or maybe he couldn't) small knots uncoiling in his spine. Cas felt himself sit up straighter. 'Huh' he thought to himself. He felt one of the knots unleash a shadow in his soul. It dripped down the length of his spine and spread out at his hips, following the rain down into the soil leaving behind a smudged reminder that it had ever been there. He could feel the other knots tighten in protest but at the moment it was fine for him.

Dean babbled on, oblivious as Cas watched, fascinated. Dean Winchester had started crying. No heaving sobs, no snot dribbling everywhere. For a moment Cas thought that he looked very beautiful. It was a raw and vulnerable side of Dean he had never seen. In a way it made him feel strong. He touched a hand to his own eyes, finding them dry. "You care." Dean's head snapped up at that, their noses actually brushing this time. He'd said it like a statement, but it had come out with a sound of awe.

"I do," Dean gulped and nodded his head, trying to bring them closer together, "I really do Cas. You have no idea. You have-" he swallowed thickly and scrunched his eyes together, trying to stop whatever emotion that was trying to expel itself. "Always have Cas." Dean's voice broke on the name.

Cas frowned, confused. The cold was starting to seep into his bones, or at the very least he was starting to notice it. They'd both catch hypothermia at his point but Cas had to know. He had to set some things straight. When would he get another chance? When would he be this weirdly numb the next time? "I don't understand."

Dean laughed bitterly, "Of course you don't. How could you. I never told you. I never-" he took in a deep breath and shook his head, laughing at himself. "I'm not a very talkative guy Cas. And then, you disappeared and just things happened so fast and then you- and we didn't see you anymore and you didn't ride with us-"

"My dad's fault-"

"Figured, that douche fuck. Fuckin' piece of trash-"

"Dean-"

"Swear to god I'm gonna kill him-"

"Dean-"

"Carve him up and toss him down the-"

"Dean!"

Cas wrapped Dean's cheeks between his hands and held him. Dean's eyes were erratic and wild, bouncing from side to side, barely able to stay straight on Cas' face, let alone his eyes. Cas' own heart hammered. There was a lot riding on this, for both of them. This small moment could make or break him. Could make or break them. "Dean. Make me understand."

Dean's body tensed and his eyes went from fearful to terrified.

"It's okay," Cas said softly feeling strangely confident.

Dean bit his lip but nodded. After all, hadn't he promised himself he was going to be brave? If Cas could be brave. If Cas could sit here in the pouring rain in some dumb woods, scraped and cut up, cold and panicked and try and talk. Then he could too. It was a pity he wasn't very good at that. He pulled Cas forward to his chest instead, nuzzling his chin in the crook of Castiel's neck and tilted his head up so that his lips barely brushed the shell of Cas' ear. The boy froze, heart racing and waited. "I can't stop thinking about you. That. What I said. What I wanted to say. Cas." He felt himself squeezed tightly. "There's an empty space in the Impala where you belong."

And then the dam broke.

Castiel felt a sob break free of the cage he'd built and thunder around their little area of forest. He cried out Dean's name like a prayer, letting himself be rocked back and forth in the arms he'd wanted to nestle himself in for so long. He let Dean crush him to his ribs. He wasn't sure when Dean's 'I'm sorry's turned into 'it's okay's but he felt himself calming under Dean's touch. He pulled back, eyes puffy and red and throat soar from the half screeching sobs he'd let fly loose. He rubbed at his snotty nose and wiped it away on the soaked sweatpants staring at the older boy. Dean gave a shaky smile that kept wilting around the edges, he leaned forward so that their foreheads were touching, sharing the same warm breath.

"Come home?"

"Yeah, okay. Yeah."

Dean squeezed his eyes shut, a few more tears slipping out from the edges. He leaned forward and their lips brushed briefly, both cold and wet. They pulled back and Cas held Dean's gaze, running his hand to reach behind to Dean's neck. "I can't do more than this. At least... not right now," he said softly.

Dean laughed and reached one arm back to wrap his hand over Cas'. "It's okay, I can't either."

They stared at each other before breaking out into laughter. The type of giggles that you get after you've exhausted every single other emotion in your repertoire and you just have nothing else left to give. Their laughter died out and the loud splashing of the rain around them took over.

"Let's go home," Dean said and as Cas tried to dislodge his arm from around Dean's neck he shook his head. Instead he reached for Cas other arm and draped it around his neck too. Then he adjusted his position so that he was kneeling, one knee on the ground and the other bent. He tucked one arm underneath Cas' legs and the other securely around his waist and back and lifted. Cas squeaked a little and started to protest. "You're hurt. Let me. I've got a lot of making up to do. And I probably never will. But just... could you let me?"

Cas stared at him for a moment, blushing, before deciding that being carried, warm and snug against his chest despite the rain, might not be so bad. He let his head rest and stopped struggling, it would be easier for Dean to carry him that way. He vaguely wondered how far he'd run. His feet ached and it felt like he'd torn them pretty well so he assumed quite a distance. If the situation wasn't so serious he might've laughed, he would've never pegged himself as a runner. Maybe it had been all those swimming lessons. Build up his body. Cas felt anxiety try and creep up again, his body. With all of it's bruises and blemishes. He felt Dean's arms tighten around him, tugging him closer into his body as if he knew what Cas been thinking, and snuggled closer, concentrating instead on the steady thump of Dean's heart.

"Sorry I ruined your clothing," he whispered as they made it out of the woods, the rain slowing a little and street lights eliminating the damage on them.

"Sorry I broke your heart," Dean shot back, trying for a joking tone, despite being completely serious.

Cas laughed and curled up tighter around Dean's neck, trying to take some of the pressure off of his hands. Dean grunted and adjusted his position a little but he figured it had been the right thing to do. Dean's body felt less tense. "It's okay, we can put it back together," Cas whispered, flinching a little. Just because they'd... had a moment didn't mean anything. Fear gripped him and he felt his body starting to tense. It had to be something really cheesy romantic too. It was like Cas couldn't help sabotage-

"You'll just have to make sure you keep a close eye on me. Make sure I put it back together right." Then to cover up for his response he coughed. "You know, use some shitty off brand glue and a few rolls of duct ape and just have it fall apart again. Or something. I'm just. Yeah. I'm gonna stop now."

Cas smiled into Dean's neck and just held onto him tighter.

Things weren't good. They were far from good. And they might never even be good. But for now, they were okay. And Cas could do okay. He could wake up the next morning with okay.

Okay was good.

**A/N: Wow. Holy hell guys. This uh, snuck up on me out of nowhere. One or two more chapters and we're done. Probably one if it's really long. So. Yeah. **


	30. Radio Static

**A/N: Celebratory chapter for me registering (tho' still not as planned) and officially going back to school on the 22nd. And my ass going numb chillin' at the campus cafe with a sneaky hangover.**

**Chapter 28: Radio Static **

There was a shock of silence in the house after Dean had sprinted off, the door slamming and threatening to bounce off of it's hinges.

"With how many times that doors been slammed lately we won't have a door anymore," John muttered, unable to gather the mass of emotions he'd had earlier. The double ditch out the door had taken the wind out of his sails. He'd still have to talk to Dean when he had the chance but it didn't seem quite as important.

"Should we-?" Sam asked inching towards the door himself, not wanting to leave either of them to fend the weather themselves.

Mary chewed her lip, "We could take the car... but someone has to stay home for when they come back. I'm sure..." she turned to smile at her youngest son, "I'm sure Dean will find him."

"Might as well take the truck out," John sighed, resigned. He grabbed his keys off of the hook and toed on his boots. "You and Mary stay here, I'll try and find the boys. Re-heat some food if you can. Soup. They'll be drenched to the bone."

Sam almost argued, wanting to go on the search party with his father but his mother's gentle hand on his shoulder stopped him. "Want to help me make some soup?" she asked as she steered him towards the kitchen, giving John a stern look before she turned. Just because she was letting him run off on his own didn't mean that he had free reign on his temper when he did find the boys.

John ducked his head further into his jacket, pulling up the lapels. He squinted a little in the rain and hurried into his truck, shaking off some of the raindrops in his hair. The roads were going to be hell. Two days of rain and with no sign of letting up. He'd have to be careful, and not just because he had no idea where the hell along the roads they would be sprinting. He sent a small, dubious prayer up that they didn't get hit by a car, or worse, his own car.

Mary listened to the rumble of the truck as it pulled out of the driveway, tires squeaking in the rain. She sighed and rubbed a tired hand over her face, pinching the skin between her eyes. She watched as Sam moved slowly around in the kitchen, staring blankly at the pantry with a pout on his face. Not that she'd ever had illusions that life in general was easy, she did way too much work around the world to think otherwise. Life was tough all around. Sometimes tougher than others. She'd hoped to spare her children some of the suffering she'd seen by moving to the neighborhood, by finding a good school in a safe environment, with high ratings for the entire suburb area. But there were some things a mother just couldn't protect her children from and there were some things that just lurked in the shadows no matter where you were from. "They'll be all right," Mary said, reaching over Sam, which she wouldn't be able to do if he kept growing at the rate he was, and grabbing a can of chicken noodle soup to start her base with. They'd add to it as they went along.

"Yeah, but. I don't..." Sam's shoulders sagged under an invisible weight. "I don't know what to do. Everything was... kind of okay last night. Cas was. I just. I just don't know."

"It's okay not to know," she said as she pulled out a pot. "It's okay not to have a game plan and not know where you're going. Or how things are going to end up."

"I feel useless."

"It's okay to feel useless too. There's something pretty awesome I've learned tho'," she said nudging her son playfully with her elbow. "Every little bit counts. You can't fix the world. You can't fix Castiel. You can't fix your brother and whatever those two have going on. But what you can do, is you can make them a nice warm soup to eat when they get back. Find some nice warm towels so they can dry off. And trust me sweetie, that's just good enough."

Sam smiled shakily up at his mother and shook out his shoulders. It wasn't the appropriate time for moping around. Hadn't he told himself he was going to do his best? That he wasn't going to let himself be put in a corner by anything anymore? He didn't have any illusions that things were going to be easy but that didn't mean he had to abandon the drive he'd always had. For the thousands time he thanked whoever might've been listening that his mother was there. "What do I do next?"

The soup was threatening to start cooling when Dean and Cas made it home. The door creaked open and slightly tapped the wall as Dean kneed it open. Mary and Sam jumped up from the kitchen table, each with a towel in hand. Cas was draped across Dean's back, hands firmly around his neck and legs tightly squeezed around his waist. It had gotten a little heavy to carry Cas 'princess style' as he'd originally tried. There was a huge puddle starting to gather underneath them and every time Dean moved water sloshed out of his shoe and onto the floor. "He needs his feet looked at," Dean mumbled as he nudged Cas with his shoulder, testing to see if the boy was awake. He'd passed out somewhere along the walk back.

"I'll call your father," Mary said as she handed Sam the other towel, returning to the kitchen.

"Are you- is he.. okay?" Sam asked as Dean moved further into the house, a puddle trail behind him.

"I don't know," Dean replied, starting to climb the stairs, Sam following, anxious. "Where's dad?"

"He went out to find you."

"Oh, well-"

"Did it stop raining?" a hoarse voice mumbled.

Dean froze at the door to the upstairs bathroom. Sam smiled and moved so that he could look Cas in the eye. "No, you're home," Sam said holding one of the towels out to him.

"Oh," Cas said, eyes blinking slowly as his brain caught up with him. He reached out to grab the towel and nudged Dean a little so that he could slide down. He wobbled a little bit before getting his bearings. He focused on Sam not being able to look at Dean, which worked just fine for the older boy too. Now that the adrenaline had faded an awkward aura had enveloped them.

"I'll go shower downstairs," Dean said, eyes bouncing along the hallway. He glanced briefly at Cas, gave a shaky smile and ran his hand gently across his shoulder as he passed, snagging the other towel from his brother.

Cas' cheeks turned pink and he buried his head in the towel, letting Sam direct him into the bathroom. They stood quietly for a moment before Cas pulled the towel away. "I'm sorry."

"What for?" Sam asked, brows furrowed, "if anything I should be apologizing for my idiot brother."

"He's not that bad," Cas responded, the edges of his lips twitching.

Sam stared at his best friend for a little while, confused at how soft his expression was. He wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth tho', and sure as hell wasn't going to pry until Cas was ready to talk about it. Apparently a little melodrama was good for you. "I'll grab you some clothes, and Dean said your feet?"

Cas looked down and shook his head, "Just a small cut. Running bare foot through the woods hasn't been my wisest choice lately."

Sam squirmed a little, wondering if it was something he could pry on. "Why did you?" he asked, concerned curiosity taking over. He hadn't spent a little over an hour in the kitchen wringing his hands for nothing. More than that it had come completely out of left field.

"I panicked," Cas muttered, looking ashamed. "All I could... it doesn't … even make sense to me. I just. I never ran, ya know? And Dean, he scared me. I didn't want to. I know he would never, well I think he would never hit me. I just-"

"Triggered?" Sam ventured out. Not just for Cas but for himself, he'd looked through the information the therapist social worker lady that had visited gave him. He'd been told to expect not to be okay. That there would be inconsequential things or random situations that would trigger the memory. That he might freeze up, panic, and react on base emotion. He should've guessed that it had to be worse for Cas, especially with his brother. Hell they'd talked about if before the nights fiasco.

"Yeah," Cas admitted, continuing to look ashamed. "Triggered. And it's not like- I swear I don't think Dean's anything like-"

Sam strode forward, hands outstretched so as not to surprise him, and pulled Cas into a tight hug. "Cas, you don't ever have to justify that to me, or anyone for that matter. You got scared. Flight or fight response right? It's okay." He tightened his hold on Cas. "It's gonna be okay," he repeated. Tho' wether he said it for his own sake or Cas' he didn't know.

Reluctantly Cas relaxed and let his head drop. A soft 'okay' blew past his lips with an exhale. "You're getting wet," Cas commented, pulling back.

"I've got an entire wardrobe," Sam said smiling and pulling back. He coughed and ran a hand through his hair. "I'll go get you some warm clothes."

Cas waited until Sam peeked his head back in with pajamas before stepping into the hot spray. He let himself zone out, sighing as he felt the warmth seep underneath his skin and into the bones. As he warmed up he considered briefly just sitting down in the bathtub and letting the water rush over him. A part of him didn't want to leave the shower. Not that he could argue that this was the most peaceful he'd felt in years. He was out, his brother and his relationship was building, a new family member had flown down to see him, the Winchesters invited him back to their home, Sam didn't hate him, and Dean... Dean was exactly the person in question that he didn't want to leave the shower for. Leaving the shower meant dealing with why he'd bolted. It meant dealing with the fact that Dean had run after him. It meant dealing with what had happened in the woods. Cas groaned into the wall, touching his forehead gently to the tile.

"I'm an idiot," he mumbled to himself, bringing his hands up to tug at his hair. Embarrassment wrapped him up as he let his head gently slam into the wall again. Of course he couldn't have handled it like a normal person. And he'd have to face Mary... and John and oh god he really did just take off running. He looked down at his feet and groaned again. He didn't even put shoes on. Tho' as he stood in the shower longer he was glad he hadn't. It would've been even weirder if in his panic he'd stopped to put his sneakers on and _then _bolted out in the storm he knew was out there. He was never leaving the shower and had fully intended on it until a knock at the door pulled him out of his wallowing.

"There's soup- whenever you're ready, no rush."

"Thank you, Sam," he called back over the spray.

Cas sighed and grabbed the shampoo off of the edge of the bathtub. His stomach lurched a little as he popped it open. It was Dean's. He let himself have a small sniff of it before applying it generously to his hand and scrubbing it through his hair. His hands froze in his hair as he inhaled.

Dean had kissed him.

Dean. Had _kissed _him.

His heart hammered in his chest and his arms began to tremble. The small peace he'd felt moments before flickered and started to pull itself apart into different directions. He swallowed thickly, adams apple bobbing up and down heavily. His body felt prickly as he thought back to how good it had felt to be wrapped up in Dean, nuzzled underneath him. His lips hadn't been as warm as they had been last time, but they had still been soft. The kiss hadn't lasted any longer than the one he'd planted on Dean what seemed like a lifetime ago. Cas let soap run down his body as he dropped his hands. What if Dean regretted it? Didn't he regret the first one? Sam had said that Dean had never had an issue with it, but how did his father find out? That's why he'd been... It's why he couldn't go home with them. It's why he had to abandon comfortable months in the Impala for the cold passenger seat of his father's car in the evening.

Cas highly doubted that if Dean was all right with it he would've talked to his father about it.

Had John seen?

Panic swelled in his chest at the prospect of seeing John Winchester downstairs. Soap dripped into his eye and he blinked and rubbed at it angrily. If John had called his father, then, he had a problem with it? Would he have a problem with him and Dean? Cas mentally slapped himself, there was no him and Dean. There was a desperate peck in the rain and half a year of radio silence and an angry conversation. He desperately wanted to believe Sam. That Dean had always just been confused by it. There was a murky thought that spread from the back of his mind. What if he'd done it just to get him to calm down? What if he was playing a game? What if-

"Stop it Castiel," he told himself out loud. "You are going to finish washing. You are going to towel off. You are going to put some warm clothes on and then go downstairs and eat soup. You are going to stop thinking and making up speculations."

He took in a deep breath and finished washing off, determined not to pay any special attention to what belonged to who in the bathroom and focusing on it with single minded vigor. Now wasn't the time to spiral into himself. There was time for that and it was when he was lying in his bed, by himself. Not when he was in someone else's shower running the water with explanations to face and food waiting for him. Just because he was nervous and scared didn't mean that he could hide away in the shower forever. The events and rapid change still felt like mist hovering barely outside of his skin, not real yet even though he knew it was there. It wasn't a truth he could grasp but he could tackle that later. Cas stepped out of the shower, toweled off and slipped into the clothes Sam had left him. He stared at his reflection in the mirror, wiping some of the steam from it to see himself better, and tried to give himself a pep talk. If he could face down his father, if he could stand up for Sam, if he could live through what he'd experienced at his father's hands, he could go downstairs and talk to Dean, Sam, Mary, and John like a normal human being. He would apologize and be kind, he would eat and look Dean in the eye.

Cas' smile was shaky as he walked out of the bathroom, leaving the door open to let some of the steam drift out. He heard muffled conversation downstairs and gripped the railing tightly as he descended the stairs. His stomach started braiding itself into a series of knots as Dean's voice rose slightly above the others. Cas' knees felt weak as he made himself walk forward. The voices stopped as he stepped into the kitchen where a place had already been set for him. He looked up at Mary's warm smile as she got up to fill his bowl, asking him how the shower was and if he needed the first aid kit. Cas shook his head no. He looked at Sam trying his best to grin lightheartedly, teasing his brother about how he'd looked like a drowned rat when he came in the door. Trying to make sure the atmosphere wasn't awkward. If he'd had any energy left he might've given Sam a laugh so that he knew it was working and he appreciated it. And then he looked at Dean, his eyes reminding him of his own in the mirror upstairs, terrified and a little nervous. He watched as Dean's hand curled around his bowl tightly, trying to ground him in the same way that Cas had clutched at his hair in the shower. The sharp rise and then freeze of Dean's chest as he waited for Cas to make the next move, to decide were this was going. He could only imagine he looked just the same. Two stalled cars at a stop sign, each desperately signaling the other to go ahead first.

"Hello, Dean," Cas whispered, taking the plunge and feeling incredibly awkward. Hello? Why in the world would he say hello? Admitted they hadn't really talked. He'd seen him and bolted and cried and then gone unconscious. So technically it could've been appropriate to say 'hello', but they'd just seen each other and Dean had touched his shoulder and they'd shared eye contact and they'd come back to the Winchester's home together and now he was just making it worse and Dean would look at him weird and take everything back and there went his good feeling-

"Hey Cas," Dean replied, his shoulders dropping down, eyes lighting up a little as Cas' heart clenched and he took shaky steps towards the table, feeling his hands start to tremble as he slid into his seat among the family.

Love was so much harder to face than pain, he thought as he stared at Dean across the table. He nearly excused himself to go back upstairs, that he wasn't hungry when John entered. Cas held his breath as he moved to make himself a bowl and sat down on a chair next to him. "A little dramatic, don't you think? Next time grab an umbrella" he joked, placing a warm hand on Cas' shoulder before asking Sam to pass him the salt.

A lump formed in Cas' throat and he felt his eyes sting.

Love was definitely harder to face than pain.

**A/N: About two more chapters to go and this story is done, this is not the last chapter tho' I could end it here. Then there will be a few coda's that I don't want to put into the main arc. I've been toying with the idea of a sequel for this story but for now we're getting to the end. I've been working on this story for over half a year now. I will be so proud to put the completed status on it within these next few weeks. I am setting up a thing where you can check for updates and codas and ask questions if you have any and have me answer them without clogging up the story. **


	31. The Cardinal Flies

**Final Chapter ; The Cardinal Flies Through The Open Window **

"You gonna be okay tomorrow?"

Cas turned his head, pulling Dean's jacket a little tighter over himself. His ass was cold from sitting on the hood of the Impala for so long. He bit his lip and stared at his... whatever they were for a little. It'd been about a month since their confessional moment. Cas spent half of his time at the Winchester's and the other at the hotel with his aunt. They still weren't sure exactly what they were going to do about school and where he would go and who he would stay with. Uriel's record turned out not to be clean enough for him to apply for guardianship over his little brother, while he'd made it very clear he wasn't going to toss all of his vices out of a window, he was trying to get better so that maybe one day he could.

Despite them talking Dean still had a hard time looking him in the eye, even at the moment his eyes bounced along the clearing, his feet shuffling nervously as Cas thought. They'd had a few stumbling conversations about what his life had been like living in that house. Dean had admitted that he'd seen some blurred out image stills on the news (the story was now just about the only thing the town talked about as new material was published), Cas had gone into a full blown panic attack, and Dean had held him and rubbed his back until Cas could stop whimpering that he was 'dirty'. They'd had their second kiss after that.

The town wasn't helping much either. There'd been some papers and a few belongings to pick up from the old high school. Dean and Sam had gone with him, flanking on his sides. Originally they'd volunteered to go for him, he wouldn't have to see the damn place every again, but emboldened by getting his support network back, he wanted to go himself. Just as he'd been about to falter, scared of his peers (and especially his usual tormentors), he'd watched as a path was made clear for him. On one side were people he recognized as Dean's friends, casually moving people away that were trying to congregate, on the other were his. Ruby and Jess giving him a thumbs up while his library circle tried their best to look intimidating to the other students. He nearly lost it when Meg pulled Dirk back by his jacket and shoved him into a wall. He couldn't hear the conversation, and never wanted to ask (or go near her ever again) but there was a strange look in her eyes as they passed, Cas shrinking further into Dean to move away from her.

He thought about where he was in his life. He thought about sitting outside in late March getting chilly next to what he hoped would turn out to be the love of his life. He thought about having Mary Winchester preparing a nice home made meal for them at the moment, waiting for them to get back and John giving him a head nod as he entered the household. He thought about Sam and the way they'd talked a week ago about starting therapy, both of them. How they'd do it together.

Cas' hands shook. "I think I'll be all right."

Dean swallowed and scooted a little closer. If Cas was to be honest Dean had done a little bit too much googling on how to treat someone who'd been abused. He reached over and grabbed Dean's hand, pulling him closer. If he wanted to be okay, he'd need to be touched, specifically by someone he loved. He had to get to a point, eventually in his life, to where he'd think of Dean's hands and not his father's. His lungs refused to pull in air as he thought of never being able to do it, never being able to get Lucifer out of his head and body, Dean squeezed his hand and gave him a shaky smile. He wasn't the only one scared.

"Yeah- yeah okay. Good," Dean said, nodding his head up and down his hand shooting to his neck to rub it. His fingers were trembling in Cas'.

"I'll be thinking of you," Cas said softly, running his thumb across Dean's knuckles.

"Cool, yeah. Just, ya know, think good things?" Dean's eyes shifted and he took in a deep breath. "I'm sorry I can't-"

"Dean, if you make it you make it, I'll have Uriel and Anna," Cas slid off of the hood of the Impala and moved in front of Dean. He settled himself in between the 'v' of his legs and pulled Dean's head towards him. "It's okay. I mean. It's not. I'm going to be so scared, and I might freak out. But," he swallowed, "as long as you promise me you'll be there when I get back. That you'll hold me and maybe we'll watch some silly movie or curl up in the Impala and just listen to that same AC/DC tape over and over again."

"I can do that," Dean replied, biting his lip. Tentatively he leaned further and gave Cas' forehead a gentle kiss. They held each other for a moment. "We should go."

It was a little past noon the next day, as Cas tapped his foot on the ground nervously. He was dressed in a nice shirt and pants, even had a tie. The jacket was way too big on him and he couldn't stop sweating. Anna sat next to him, trying to make small, light conversation. It wasn't working but it warmed his heart to see her try. Uriel had walked off to get him a bottle of water as they waited in front of the doors to the court room.

His father was in there.

They'd made an arrangement with the court that he wouldn't have to spend more time in there than he had to, even as the victim of the crime. Instead of filing a personal charge the state had charged one for them. It gave him a little more leeway. But he knew he would have to talk eventually. Cas hadn't asked for the details of what 'evidence' they were showing for their case but he was glad he wouldn't have to bare witness to it.

Cas had never been so grateful for his medication as he felt a rolling anxiety attack start in the pit of his stomach. His hands shook where he was clenching them tightly to his slacks. There was a loud bang of a door and he jumped. An older gentleman with a kind smile and a long beard came out and said something to him. He couldn't hear it, his heart was hammering too fast. His eyes prickled as he tried to stand up. His chest seemed to cave in on himself. 'Just get up,' Cas thought desperately, 'Just get up. It's a few steps. You can do it.'

His body wouldn't move.

He felt frustration build up and start to race through him. It was so simple. Just standing. And he couldn't do it, how in the world was he going to go into that courtroom and let his life get picked apart? Hear them talk about how awful, dirty, and wrong what happened to it was. How it had damaged him. How he would never be the same.

Cas couldn't see the ground anymore, there were too many tears.

Then he felt himself gathered into a warm body. He clung to it confused. After a few minutes of angry sobbing he lifted his head, wiping away snot and tears into his nice suite jacket. Mary's eyes swam into his vision and he felt himself nearly collapse.

"I'm glad we weren't too late," she said, holding him closely and then turning just enough so that he could see Dean, Sam, and John jogging down the long hallway to the courtroom. Cas smiled as he noticed how Dean's dress shirt clung to his sides and his armpits with sweat. "Are we ready?"

Cas nodded, laughing as he cried and squeezed her hand tightly. He walked into the courtroom wiping tears from his eyes and clinging tightly to Mary's hand with his family behind him, watching his back.

15 years down the line their little town has gotten famous for his case. The perfect small town suburb, the perfect father with a high profile job. The perfect school district and the perfect house. The house with the two abused sons. The house that the neighbors drew the curtains on. The family with the drugged up runaway and the poor pale boy who was bullied at school. The little angel boy and his devil father.

They hadn't been back in a few years, or rather he hadn't. The Winchester's usually visited them up north. But every so often he felt the need to come back. Every year he did, he would walk by the house and stare at it. He'd smile at the flowers the new family was trying to raise in the front yard. Every year that they survived he counted as a victory.

And sometimes, someone would get curious. See his face and remember. They'd come up to him and ask, "Hey, I'm sorry if this is rude. But didn't you used to live here?"

He'd say yes.

"Weren't you that kid that his father did messed up shit to? You're one of the victims right?"

And sometimes, he would smile, shakes his head and then hold it up, chin out, and tell them, "No, I'm one of the survivors."

**A/N: So yeah. That's it. For future updates if you don't want to follow me on FF or AO3 goodquestionharlie dot tumblr dot com . It's going to have updates on coda's as well as fanart and a soundtrack to come soon (and if you have songs that made you think of this story please send the to me!). It also has my random Superantural meta ramblings, feel free to tumblr savior those. **

**I would like to say a few words if I may, feel free to ignore it. I have been working on this story for a little over half a year now. It will be the 6/7 month anniversary of this story on the 17th. **

**This is one of the longest stories I have ever written and one of two multi-chapter stories of this length that I have completed. **

**This all started with a simple prompt. I followed someone that was super cool, a stranger at the time, on tumblr. They said they had a dark themed Destiel prompt but didn't want to share it because last time the other person had run away screaming. So I asked her to share it with me. We started talking. After awhile she asked me if by chance I was a writer. I linked her to Oh Alice and my account. I took on her prompt. She's since deleted her tumblr and hasn't responded to my e-mails, so I hope she is well. She was/is an intelligent and amazing woman, pretty to boot. **

**I actually intended this to maybe reach 30k tops. And here I am a novel later. **

**I have a bunch of ya'll to thank, actually, for making me keep trying when I thought I wouldn't make it past the next chapter. Thank you to those of you that have been there from the beginning and stuck around. Super awesome for darkphoenix2345 who has been there since chapter one and reviewed every single one of them. (Other special mentions, lord I could go on for forever- Friggin' Team Free Will, Analei (who has no official account), Destiel101, Wolfa Moon, .Charade, Where's The Angel, Kitsu63, Zavijah, Innogen, and Humanized Serenity.) **

**Thank you so much for those of you who read the "Important" chapter coda. And thank you for those of you who sent me messages everywhere I've posted this about how to better write this story. This story scared me, made me question myself, and made me grow a little bit at the same time and let me take a closer look at some of the things I've seen and have happened in my life.**

**I hope this story does it for you too. The helping part not the scaring part. **

**I hope that for those of you that have lived that life, no matter who you are in this story (the parent that had that happen to their child, the one who was abused for years, the friend of someone whose been hurt, the best friend who was hurt, the lover. The cousin, the aunt, the brother, the sister, the stranger who heard about it. I hope it helps a little bit.) **

**I do have a sequel in mind. But I have to take a break from writing another multi-chapter thing for this for now, it's been very emotionally challenging. There will be two coda's coming up here in the next few few months (I'm including January to make it a few) so there will be new material but I don't know when I'll get to the sequel. **

**Now that it's completed I hope all you lurkers are willing to drop me a review on how you felt about the ride! I love feedback and crave it insanely. If you have questions about the story, small discrepancies or things that weren't resolved in this that you'd like to hear about later, drop me a line on the tumblr account I listed. You don't have to have an account to send me a message. I'm going to compile this and put it on my livejournal and add a questions page later. I will not be updating an FAQ chapter on this site or AO3. **

**Thank you so much for your support, and I know I'll go back and re-write 'cause English is my third language and most of this story was written drunk and on the spot without a spell checker or anything and just... It has been a privilege to be able to tell this story and have it well received. It has been a privilege to become friends with some of my reviewers and to go through this process with everyone who took an interest. I am so proud to call this story completed. And now I'm crying. **

**Thank you and I hope to hear from you again and I wish the best of a life for everyone.**

**Edit January 15: Soundtrack List-** on my profile.


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